I recently caught up with an old friend. It had been years since we’d talked – really talked – and I was moved by her wisdom. She’s grown up, I thought. Then: so have I.
I’ve learned a lot since high school, mostly the hard way. Here’s what I know:
On respect:
Treat other people with respect. You’ll never regret it. If you don’t it’ll usually come back to haunt you one day.
On decisions:
When you have a big decision to make, don’t let the HOW distract you from the IF. First decide WHAT needs to be done without freaking out about HOW it will be done. Once you’re clear on IF, the time is right to decide HOW, and do so with an unwavering commitment to what you know is the right thing to do. Keep saying: it’s not an IF, it’s a HOW.
On difficult conversations:
You can say almost anything if you think really hard about how to say it. Think what would motivate you and feel good to you. Leave the other person feeling valued and loved and the relationship can survive 99% of difficult conversations.
On criticism:
9.9 out of 10 criticisms that cross your mind, should never be uttered to anyone.
On weight:
The last ten pounds don’t actually matter. Those who love you would much rather you relax and enjoy life. Those who don’t shouldn’t have a say.On wrinkles:
Wear every wrinkle with pride and gratitude. Each is a medal of achievement in the Olympic sport called Life.
The last ten pounds don’t actually matter. Those who love you would much rather you relax and enjoy life. Those who don’t shouldn’t have a say.On wrinkles:
Wear every wrinkle with pride and gratitude. Each is a medal of achievement in the Olympic sport called Life.
On control:
Release control. Trying to control other people’s thoughts, choices, and feelings is like trying to thumb-wrestle an octopus. It’s exhausting, you can’t breathe, and you’ll always lose. Breathe deep breaths and repeat: I am liberating myself from the lose-lose attempt to control others.
For pessimists:
Optimism can be learned. This can be done by saying things like, “We can handle this.” “That’s OK, it was probably a mistake.” “It’s just stuff.” “I’m sure there’s a solution.” “This too shall pass.” “It’ll seem more OK in the morning.” “Sometimes good people just make bad choices.” “I can fix this.” “This is not my problem to fix.” “I can apologize and start over.” Almost nothing in this world is too broken for there to be hope, and hopelessness is its own mistake.
On gratitude:
Thank others relentlessly. Never assume they know, or have heard it enough.
On G-d:
G-d is big enough. He’s seen your problems, heard your questions, watched your mistakes, and loves you anyway. There’s nothing you can do to make Him stop loving you.
On shame:
No matter how weird your thoughts, how embarrassing your questions, how dysfunctional your habits, how scared or small or ugly or worthless you feel, there are others who are exactly like you. Never let shame keep you from finding them, from feeling normal, and from getting help. Love yourself enough to be vulnerable.
On prayer:
Pray like you’re talking to the smartest friend you ever had. Be so open and know that whatever you know, there’s more to know. There’s a bigger story, another layer, more possibilities. Dump your problems at G-d’s feet and walk away lighter.
On knowing things:
I know that whatever I know today, I’ll know something different tomorrow. I’m humble enough and confident enough to be open to new truths. I hope I’ll always remain open to new truths, and I hope you will too.
Beautiful and profound. You can hear all the layers and stories in your wisdom – This is the kind of knowledge that comes through living life a live even when it hurts. You do that so well. You're a wonder to behold!
Beautiful & wise, thank you
Straight forward, common sense and wise. Thanks, Ruchi.
deep. profound. true. honest. and very, very courageous. wow.
I love every word, thought and message in this post!
WOW, Ruchi! So poignant, so relevant, so true. What a piece. Thanks
very nice piece.
LOVED this.
Thanks so much everyone! It's going to appear on aish.com and Huffington Post!
I really love this! I'm looking forward to being on the JWRP trip with you this July. Shabbat Shalom.
Thanks Andrea! I look forward to meeting you!!
This is really lovely and sage advice. I am struck by how much self-control, training and self-talk some of these require. They are not intuitive responses, they require lots of energy and practice (like the one about not uttering criticisms). I will admit that I'm not very good at holding back as much as many of these list items would require–even when it comes to self-criticism (wrinkles, body). So much of this seems like forcing me to go against my most immediate responses, except maybe thanking, which I think I'm good at.
I really agree with the advice, but it does seem also to set us up to always have more to criticize about ourselves–"I shouldn't care about these wrinkles! I shouldn't have tried to take control! I can't pray without feeling like a fake!" On the one hand the advice sets excellent standards, on the other those standards are so high, doesn't it set up well-meaning people for self-berating? I mean this not to criticize, just to discuss what it is to set ourselves the highest standards.
Ah so my next post should be about perfectionism…
You mentioned this point once before. Can't remember in response to what. High standards come with a price. So do low standards. The self talk should also include things like "I don't have to finish the work, just begin," "the Torah wasn't given to angels," "make a small step and God will help," all Torah-based ideas. The going against the grain is a goal unto itself and as always, the point is not the product but the process.
Ah so my next post should be about perfectionism…
You mentioned this point once before. Can't remember in response to what. High standards come with a price. So do low standards. The self talk should also include things like "I don't have to finish the work, just begin," "the Torah wasn't given to angels," "make a small step and God will help," all Torah-based ideas. The going against the grain is a goal unto itself and as always, the point is not the product but the process.
Good post.
Ruchi I respect your wisdom and the honest and beautiful expression in your post.
Now a hard question….What about optimism in the face of frightening illness. How does one stay positive and not live in daily or debillitating fear? How does one pray when we don’t even understand why illness befell us in the fist place?
Hi JGB,
Optimism in the face of fright is very difficult. It becomes a constant battle. Some days you feel the love, and other days you only feel the dismay. The goal is to keep returning to the optimism, because it is the only way to function.
Prayer is a different question. I think your question is, how can one pray when one is angry at G-d or can’t relate to a G-d who brings pain into the world?
Yes better phrased I think that’s the question. What is the answer? Some say tests like these are for our growth. But how can tests this great be for our growth?? Does this really have to be G-d’s plan?
I think there are many different ways that adversity grows us. And yes. I draw great comfort in believing that this is God’s plan.
Refreshing 🙂