I am afraid of isolation
But I believe I’m never alone
I’m afraid of how long this will be
But I believe everything happens on God’s timeline
I’m afraid of my loved ones getting sick
But I believe that health was never guaranteed
I’m afraid we will run out of food
But I believe God will provide
I’m afraid of losing myself in this madness
But I believe you grow most in the darkness
I’m afraid of being afraid
But I believe that it’s okay to be human
I’m afraid I’ll run out of optimism
But I believe it was always a gift from God
I’m afraid of a new scary world
But I believe that love will see us through.
Are you afraid, too?
Will you believe with me?
Good Shabbos dear friend. Thank you for your words of Chizuk for the JFX community. I’m worried too for a lot of things: that I will get sick, that I will be more and more isolated than I already am, that I won’t know who I am when this is over, that the stock market will never recover, that pharmacies will run out of anti-depressants (lol), what will I do about my grey hair (lol). It’s scary to notice that a lot of what was important to me, that my identity was associated with is no longer valid. So it’s back to what was always the bottom line. Ein Od Milvado.. I am so grateful every moment that I am Hashems child and that he loves me and only wants me to be close to him, to reach out and ask for help. I have to create new life habits that allow me to grow spiritually and be the person Hashem intends for me to be. Thank you Hashem for providing me with everything I need to serve him. Thank you Ruchi for your friendship, teachings and sharing yourself. Have a great Shabbos.
Hi Ruchi!
Here in Italy we have been in lockdown (schools cancelled, no leaving the house unless if for necessary reasons, no traveling between cities unless you have super good reasons, all restaurants and bars closed, shops that sell “non essential” stuff closed, and so forth) for the last 20 days. And we don’t really know when this is going to end. The first deadline was set for April 3rd, but it will surely be extended.
It is a weird time to live through. After almost three weeks in a way I have settled into this new routine, but I remember I was really scared at first. I also felt trapped. I remember woking up one of the first mornings of the lockdown and thinking, “there it is, we are trapped”.
We are not trapped, luckily, and we adjust, some more easily than others: but it is normal to feel as if we were, and it’s normale to be restless or worried or oblivious. I think each one of us goes through these emotions several times per day. What many feels is the most frustrating factor is not knowing when it’s going to end. We are used to having deadlines and operating accordingly. Now it’s a bit like chasing a rainbow, except way less poetic.
If I can offer a silver lining (which I don’t quite feel like I am entitled to, because your experience in the US is not necessarily going to mirror ours, for better or for worse) is that testing times can bring out resources a person or a people did not know to possess. A lot of people here are mobilizing, trying to find ways to help those in need while respecting social distancing (which is the priority). Others try to lift the spirit in other ways. Right after the lockdown was announced, people would gather on their balconies to sing the national anthem or play instruments or do something like that. It might have slowed down now (I’m not sure, it’s not in the news anymore) but it was very moving to see it.
Will this be enough in the long run? I don’t know, I am afraid – more than of the illness itself, which does scare me too – of the economical crisis looming. But there is little I can do about it now, and therefore I try not to worry about things that are not within my control. I try to be nicer and more grateful for what I have (a house with a garden! It turned out to be such a gift in these times. And I live with my family, even though I refrain from visiting my grandparents who live one flore above). If anything, I hope these times will give me a sense of clarity about how many good things are in my life: something that I tend to forget as I focus on what is missing.
I am not religious, so I don’t pray, but I do hope a lot. I hope that no one I know gets infected, that people in general will not get infected, that the regions of Italy that were hit the hardest will recover, that the emergency will be contained here and elsewhere, that people won’t lose their jobs and incomes, that we will be back to normal soon.
I hope we can all get out of it, and stronger.
All the best to you and your loved ones.
Beautifully written, and eloquently expresses the fragility of the external things we use to self-define.