Is gratitude cliche?
Yeah, in word. But not in deed. So easy to say. So hard to do. But truly, Seder night is all about gratitude.
“Thank you, God, for taking us out of Egypt.”
That’s the famous part. And the prize for the most famous Seder song goes to Dayenu, sung even at the shortest Seders, which is actually one long gratitude-fest. And phrased just so warmly. God, even if you would have only brought us to the sea, but not split it for us, it would have been enough… dayenu… to thank you forever and ever…
Imagine your teen comes over to you and says, “Mom, even if you would have only washed my clothes, and not dried them, folded them, or put them away, or ironed them, ever, or cooked dinner, or took me shopping… dayenu… it would have been enough for me to be forever grateful to you… today and every day… for all eternity.” (Are you still conscious?)
So, yeah. Easy to say. Hard to do.
Here’s an idea. Write a poem for the Seder. The poem is called “At Least.” First you write five complaints about your life.
The paint job is already looking old.
My car is making weird noises.
I never have enough time to work out.
I am feeling overwhelmed planning my son’s bar mitzvah.
My things are always missing because people in my family move and misplace them.
Okay, that was the easy part. Here’s the hard part. After each sentence, write a companion sentence that remembers the good in that moment. It will start with the words “at least.” Like this.
The paint job is already looking old.
At least I was able to paint the house recently. Many are not able to to do so.
My car is making weird noises.
At least we have two cars that still transport us from place to place, and sometimes it doesn’t make weird noises.
I never have enough time to work out.
At least I have a fulfilling job that I love and people that love and need me, which is why I’m busy. Many do not.
I am feeling overwhelmed planning my son’s bar mitzvah.
At least I have a healthy, happy son who is growing up in a loving Jewish environment, and I’m blessed with many friends and family who want to celebrate his milestone with us, which is where the overwhelmed feelings come from. I’d never trade that.
My things are always missing because people in my family move and misplace them.
At least I have a busy, active family. They are more precious to me than stuff.
Bring this poem to the Seder table, and read it before Dayenu. It will be your personal gratitude workout.
Because while we know we need to be grateful to God for all the “at leasts,” what we are less cognizant of is that we need to be grateful to Him for the complaints too. Because they are good for us. They are there to help us grow. To teach us gratitude. To teach us humility. To teach us to be less judgmental when others complain.
Happy Passover to all my readers. May the gratitude of the holiday spill over into your lives and, indeed, bring you much joy. At least, you know it’s in your hands.
Thank you. Beautiful
One of the books that has had the most profound impact on me as an adult is the children's classic, "Pollyanna" by Eleanor Porter. The primary message of this book is the importance of attitude and appreciation. Pollyanna, the main character, goes through endless life trials with this incredible attitude of "it could always be worse so I won't complain." It is so easy to complain, yet we can train ourselves to see and appreciate the positive instead. This perspective has helped me so much, along with my efforts to always give people the benefit of the doubt.
So true! While some use the term "pollyanna" dismissively, to express childish naivete, I find great wisdom there.
Thank you
A lovely lesson in gratitude. So grateful I got to read this, through my friend Renee. I'm not Jewish, by the way. Wishing you and your loved ones a blessed Passover. 😀
~Kathy
This is wonderful! Such a lesson for all faiths! I am new to blogging and have received invaluable advice from Renee! Preparing to write about Passover and although aware of the meaning behind it, I am not a Jew, so am looking for as much insight as possible. If you don't mind I would love to reference your post. Thanks so much for the reminder to always be grateful!
Jill (the Girl with the Gift/(blog) risingtotheoccasionwithjill)
Thank you Kathy and Jill! Welcome to the blog.
Found this note from 2011. "Arrived at appointment, they said it was cancelled, 'could they fit me in', go to scheduling, no appointment available, 'could you speak to supervisor', much time passes, didn't feel well, waited a long time for this appt, thinking 'no, I don't want to be here if there's no appt, and further tantruming in my head, no no; then thought that Sholem Mordechai Rubashkin and the boys in Japan don't want to be where they are either, what am I complaining about; just then the supervisor came to say doctor could fit me in…" So I learn in your post that I didn't want to be there, but it was enough that I wasn't in prison. And when I switched my attitude, HaShem made a place for me in the schedule.
My favorite part of this story is that you saved that gratitude story and kept it alive!
Thank you Ruchi. Beautiful. Chag kasher v'sameach; a kosher and joyful Passover to you and yours.
Amen!
Dear Ruchi,
I'm going to do this, on this, my second ever Seder.
Alex
Dear Ruchi,
I'm going to do that, on this my second Seder, aged 57 🙂
Alex in Scotland
Alex, that is awesome!
I (originally) call this the "glass half full" approach, as opposed to the "glass half empty" approach.
…and even the empty part is good.
This is a beautiful post!
Oh Ruchi. I don't mean this as a criticism of your post because I actually love this post, and have always thought of gratitude as one of my strengths. But I am finding it so difficult right now. When I read this post I just cried because I couldn't think of very many "at leasts" for my situation.
A few weeks ago, my husband told me he was leaving me (and my two toddlers). I was shocked. Come to find out he had been seeing another woman for months. More shock. I've been a stay at home mom for almost 4 years – I don't have a job or even a credit history. We will have to move. I don't have family nearby or even very close friends as we moved here for my husband's work.
It all feels so devastating. On top of that I and the little ones are all sick sick sick, so I spent last night up with them all night and I just don't know how I'm going to get through the day, let alone the month, the year, etc.
The "at leasts" I can come up with are always followed by a "but." Like, "at least I have my kids." BUT their father should be in their lives too! Etc. How do you practice gratitude even when it feels like your entire life is falling apart?
Anonymous, sorry to hear of your difficult situation. I don't think one must mandate oneself to have gratitude when one's life is in such turmoil. You need to focus on putting one foot in front of the other, taking things one day at a time… one minute at a time if need be.
You have to go through the mourning process. No one tells a person who just lost a close relative that they must feel gratitude. While you did not suffer an actual death, you are going through something similar. Allow yourself to work through the phases of grief.
Thank you Tesyaa. It means a lot to me that you took the time to reply and you are right – in a lot of ways it is a grieving process sort of similar to a death. It is a huge loss, to be sure. Thank you for your understanding words and your encouragement. I guess I can add this "at least" – At least I have the kindness of strangers. 🙂
Hi Anonymous –
The "at leasts" will come in hindsight, or in tiny glimpses. As Tesyaa said, for the moment focus on one step at a time. As someone who is twice divorced (although under very different circumstances than your shocking, painful ones), I promise you that you will be okay, your kids will be okay, and that in time you will be able to see those silver linings. You will find strengths you didn't know you had. Let yourself mourn, and let yourself accept help from anyone who offers – IRL friends, on-line friends, support groups, whatever. Focus your energy on the practical side – hiring a lawyer, figuring out finances, finding a place to live. Those concrete acts will help you process the emotional side.
Wishing you strength and courage in the weeks ahead,
Miriam
Thank you so much Miriam. It's especially good to hear from somebody who has been through it.
Whew…been away from my computer all day. Anonymous, thanks for your honest response. I defer to tesyaa and Miriam, and so agree with their wise and kind responses. Although there's not much I can do, I can pray for you. If you want to email me your Hebrew name and your mom's, I will do that. Sending you hugs..
And, Anonymous, if you'd like to correspond privately, if I can offer you any practical advice or emotional support, Ruchi has my email address.
Anonymous, I am so sorry to read about your ordeal. I went through a divorce myself (we didn't have children though, but the circumstances were similar) and I can only tell you that what the above commenters have written is very very true. It takes time to heal. And it's progressive – you won't wake up one morning and suddenly feel it's ok, but after the initial grieving process there will be progressively more and more moments when you're well.
As for gratefulness, nobody can expect you to be grateful right now. It hurts, and it will hurt for a while. But you may also find help and support and kindness and love from your friends, or even people you don't know well. I've surprised myself quite often thinking "if my husband hadn't left me, maybe I wouldn't have become close with this fantastic woman whom I can now call my friend". I wouldn't have realized I have all this strength and resilience. Am I grateful for my divorce? No. But now enough time has passed that I can be grateful for all the changes it brought into my life.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate this post. Every year I struggle with involving myself in my family's seder, what with the little ones with their 3,476 Dvar Torah's on every word and the older one's forgetting that shacharis still takes place the following morning. Or, a few hours after we finish at the rate we go. It's compounded by me not having much to contribute due to my schedule which doesn't allow for much "extra" learning.
Now I have something. Thank you.
What makes this even more special is that one of the most common Dvar Torah's is, "How can we make the seder and the Pesach story apply to us?" The answers usually given rarely entail something as practical as what you've given.
Thank you for another wonderful, beautiful blog. This was very emotional for me to read today for a variety of reasons. Just had a similar conversation this morning with my husband that whatever struggles and challenges we may be going through and it may be hard to focus on being grateful we need to be grateful for what we have. Have a Chag Kasehr Vesameach.
Beautifully said-Thank you!