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ruchikoval

Uncategorized February 6, 2013

Getting To Know You – The Liebster Award

So my dear friend and band sister Rivki Silver over at Life in the Married Lane made me famous.  Kind of.
Apparently she nominated me for what she calls the blogger’s version of a chain letter.  Here are the rules:
1) Tell 11 things about yourself.
2) Answer 11 questions from the blogger who nominated you.
3) Post 11 questions for those who will be nominated by you.
4) Nominate 11 bloggers.
5) Get in contact with those bloggers to inform them that you nominated them.


Okay.  Here are my 11 things about myself.

1. My father died of cancer when I was 6.
2. I married the boy next door, but we dated in Israel.
3. I speak Hebrew fluently, with a pathetically American accent.
4. I am a pianist and backup vocalist in an all-women’s band, called “In Harmony.”
5. I have seven kids, ranging in age from 18 to 2.  Girl, boy, girl, boy, girl, boy, girl.
6. I have lived in NY, Cleveland, Israel, and Buffalo Grove.
7. I am a major extrovert.  I love people.
8. My jobs have included editing and proofing in a publishing company, running musical and dramatic performances, directing overnight camp, teaching music, public speaking, parent coaching, and running our non-profit, Jewish Family Experience.  None of these things was on my radar as a kid.  I dreamed of being a nurse (age 3), lawyer (age 15), and while I knew it was highly incompatible with my religious leanings, a professional actress (always).
9. I have over 50 nieces and nephews.
10. I love to dance.
11. I hate to sweep.

Okay!
Here are the 11 questions from Rivki:
  1. If you could outsource any domestic chore or duty, which one would you choose? Sweeping!  Also laundry (doing and folding)  – not that I really mind doing them (I actually find them kind of relaxing) but because it takes too much time.  Really cooking but it’s a way to nurture my family, so it’s going to be me.
  2. What mitzvah, or spiritual practice, do you connect with the most?  Shabbos.  It’s just so brilliant and there is no other way to carve out that time unless mandated communally.
  3. If you could rename yourself, what name would you pick?  Gosh, I never thought about that.  Maybe something a little more pronounceable, like Shira or Rina.
  4. What’s your proudest accomplishment?  Every time I think of an accomplishment, I realize it’s really a blessing.  So instead of proud, I am very, very grateful.
  5. What’s your favorite holiday?  Chanukah!
  6. Where’s the most beautiful place you’ve visited?  Rosh Hanikra in Israel.  The water flows through these caves and the sun plays on the water and it’s just crazy.  I also have a weakness for the old city of Tzfat.
  7. What song would you listen to for a boost of energy?  Raffi Rise and Shine 🙂
  8. What do you consider comfort food?  Pasta.  Yum yum.
  9. Prior to marriage, did you have a “list” of qualities you wanted in a spouse?  If so, how close was your list to reality?  Yes.  Very.  Another blessing, thank God.
  10. If you could play any instrument, which one would it be?  Guitar.  It’s on my bucket list.
  11. You won a free trip to anywhere you like.  Where would you go?  Of course I would say Israel first, but I do get to go to Israel with my organization so I’ll pick instead South Africa.  Or Prague.  Because everyone says they’re so beautiful and both are rich with Jewish history.
11 questions for my nominees:
1. When did you start blogging and why?
2. Who is your hero?
3. What was your favorite place to live?
4. What was your most popular post?
5. What was hardest thing you’ve ever done?
6. If you found a spare $100, how would you spend it?
7. What was the best family memory you have?
8. Whom do you speak to the most in a given week?
9. What kind of driver are you?
10. What’s your attitude toward technology?
11. What’s your favorite game?  Are you good at it?
And now, here are my nominees (it was hard not to pick some of Rivki’s!):
Have fun!


Uncategorized January 29, 2013

Be Careful What You Name Your Kid

Most Jewish parents choose Jewish names for their kids.  But they don’t always realize that one fine day, their kids may choose to really use those names.

According to Jewish thought, your Jewish name describes your essence.  When you want to name your child after a relative, you should really use the Hebrew name as closely as possible to the original.  Identical is best.  Starting with the same letter, in either Hebrew or English, is a distant second.  It’s powerful for the memory and honor, but spiritually, the connectedness is in the actual name or the same meaning.

Rabbi Akiva Tatz, originally of South Africa, who did not grow up using his Hebrew name, and who did not grow up Orthodox, for that matter, describes how his parents chose the name “Kevin” for him.  First, he says, they chose Akiva – after the person for whom he was named.  Then they went about searching for a secular name that he could use to navigate in the “real world” that was as similar as possible to the actual (Hebrew) name.  In other words, “Akiva” was the “real him” and Kevin was a distant nickname that replicated the real deal.

Many Jewish parents go about this the opposite way – first they choose an English name that they like or that’s after a loved one, then choose a Hebrew name based on other factors.  But many young parents tell me they wished they had known, when they were naming their kids, how very powerful that Hebrew name is to the essence and the soul of their children.  Many Jewish parents don’t remember their kids’ Hebrew names, if they’ve fallen into disuse.

Sometimes kids will start using their Hebrew names, whether at Sunday school, in Israel, or if they become more religiously-minded.  So you might want to choose carefully.

So here I am, to tell you!  And now you know.

How was your name chosen?  How did you choose your kids’ names?


Related posts:  Your Kid’s Hebrew Name is Yechezkel Simcha Chaim?
High on Hebrew

Uncategorized January 25, 2013

6 Spiritual Lessons from “Words With Friends”

I’m addicted.  OK?  I admit it baldly (B is 4… A is 1…).  But it’s not a total wash.  Firstly, my word geekiness is improving, so that’s exciting.  (X is 8.)  Also, I’ve noticed that life and WWF have some quirky things in common.  Like:

1.  Don’t compare.
Sometimes you’re playing someone who is waaay better than you.  And your self-esteem takes a beating.  Or sometimes you’re crushing your opponent and you start feeling kind of puffed up.  Stop.  And realize that you don’t know what’s on her rack, and he doesn’t know what’s on yours.  How much experience does she have?  Maybe he’s dyslexic.  Maybe she’s playing for the first time.  Maybe he has the flu (he, too, is addicted.  Hey, that has a C, which is four).  You know?  You just don’t know what’s happening.  So don’t compare.  You’ll never come out ahead that way.

2. Bad rack.
So you have four A’s, two E’s and an I.  What’re you gonna do, kvetch about it?  (If that’s a real word, that’s awesome, because the K and the V are 5 each.)  Is a bad rack REALLY a bad rack?  Maybe it makes you a better player.  And maybe it’s better than your opponent’s rack… see #1.  A good player is not he who can play a good rack.  It’s he who can take an awful (Ooh!  A W and an F.  4 and 4.) one and do something really creative with it.

3. It’s finite.
Really, this game will end and you can try another.  There are only a certain number of tiles that can be played (quick, how many??) and then it’s time for a fresh start.  You don’t ever have to get stuck in a permanent rut.

4. Have fun.
Don’t be so obsessed with points that you forget to enjoy yourself.  Every once in awhile, play a word just because it’s awesome (like “plotz” – thank you, to my recent opponent for that great one, and of course we all know a Z is 10!) even if the score value isn’t quite as high or it brings your opponent dangerously close to a triple word spot.

5. Look at it with fresh eyes.
So you’ll look at the board.  And you’ll say, “There is absolutely nothing to do.”  Then you’ll go to sleep.  Because it’s 2 am and you’re still playing.  Because you’re nuts.  Because you’re addicted.  So when you wake up and it’s the first thing you look at you get a chance to sneak a peek, all of a sudden you see a great move!  And you’re like, “THAT was there all along?”  Yup.  It was.  But sometimes you just need fresh eyes.

6. Make your failure a success.
So you’re losing.  And then your opponent plays some crazy ridiculous word.  Like, “qifru.”  (No, I made it up.  Don’t try to play it.)  No one knows what it means.  But you feel like an idiot because now he is 92 points richer than you.  Guess what, but?  You just learned a scary new word to hit a future opponent with.  Because a failure can always be turned into future success.

So go ahead.  Download it.  Invite me to play.  And then we can enjoy some qifru (10, 1, 4, 1, 2…).

Uncategorized January 21, 2013

How A Baby Post Grows Up: 12 Steps

How a post goes from brain to screen is different depending on each blogger.  Here’s my story:

1. Idea
An idea pops into my head, or as I prefer to look at it, God pops an idea into my head.  This may be sparked by a conversation I have with someone, an article or book I’ve read, a question I am asked, a discussion I’m following on Facebook or on another blog, or just out of the blue.

2. ColorNote
I enter the idea into an app on my phone that I use to organize my life, and I do mean my whole entire life.  It’s a sticky notes app, and I have one for calls to make, errands to run, things to discuss with my husband (I do not kid), things to do on a real computer (as opposed to on my phone, on the spot), books I’ve loaned out, people to pray for, and blog post ideas.

3. Immediate Creation
Or, if I feel really passionate about an idea, I’ll bypass the list and just get in front of the computer as soon as I can and whip it out.  I have also been known on occasion to blog on my phone if I feel very strongly about something and my patience level is low and it’s not too long.

4. Computer
When I have a few moments in front of a real computer, like now, I’ll pull an idea off the list and blog away.  I try to switch it up so serious posts are interspersed with light ones (both for your sanity and mine).  If the idea requires research or quoting another source, it’ll take a little longer, but usually I write quickly and get it all out.

5. Editing
I hit “preview” which means I see what the post would look like when published.  This is important because it psychologically puts my brain in the brains of my (varied and eclectic) readers.  I try to imagine what an Orthodox and non-Orthodox person would feel while reading it.  I try to imagine if my rabbi would be pleased, or if I would feel embarrassed for my mother to see it.  I try to envision if a non-Jewish person would respond well or poorly.  I edit for spelling and grammar but rarely actually rework it.  (Major exception: my Disillusioned post was heavily edited and reworked after writing.)  I figure, it’s a blog post, not a novel, and if I try to make it perfect, it will never see the light of day and the blog will die.

6. Labels
I choose “tags” or labels that describe the subject matter.  That keeps my post organized so, if you look on the right sidebar, you can click a topic and see things that have been written on those topics.

7. Publish
I used to schedule my posts to appear during early morning so people will see them first thing.  I don’t do that anymore.  Firstly, I don’t blog every day so it’s not like it’s a daily thing, but mostly, I’m excited to publish and get responses, hits and feedback so basically…I just don’t want to wait!

8. Facebook
I link my new piece on my Facebook page with a little teaser or excerpt.  Facebook is a major traffic source for my blog.  I love when a discussion ensues there as well as on the blog.  It used to bother me (I wanted more comments on the actual blog as opposed to “losing” them to Facebook) but not anymore.  It’s just another place for people to chat about the topic and learn about my blog.

9. Check My Hits
I go to my blogger page and check out my stats.  It’s way fun to see those numbers go up.  Yeah!  I can also see if other websites are bringing me traffic by linking my posts or blog, which is exciting.  Sometimes I’m linked in anti-religion sites, but I’ve already learned not to click those or I will end up reading nasty things about myself – no thanks.

10. Comments
Every time someone posts a comment, I get an email with three options: publish, delete, or mark as spam.  Most of my non-spam comments get published as-is.  On controversial posts, I get a little pang in my stomach when I receive a new comment, wondering if it’s going to upset me or be OK.  Even when a comment upsets me, usually it only upsets me until I formulate a response.  Occasionally I edit comments if I think they contain lashon hara or are mean-spirited.  Or I might choose to delete it entirely.  Or I might not publish it, but will write a response inviting the commenter to rework it so it’s publishable.

If I’m in a meeting or with my kids, and not looking at my phone for awhile, the comments will hang out until I get to them.  Then I might approve a bunch of comments at once when I get to my emails and they will all hit the blog at the same time.  Fortunately, blogger organizes them in the order that they were originally posted, so the logical thread remains intact.

11. Responding to Comments
If I have short response, I just do it on my phone.  Or in the evening when I get in front of my computer I’ll respond to a bunch of comments at once.  Sometimes this can be really frustrating – if I really want to respond but don’t have time to get to it right away.  But sometimes other commenters will respond instead of me, and do an even better job.  THAT is cool.  Bloggie nachas.  The comments usually go on for a few days, and when they wind down, I post something new.  Of course, I love when the conversation continues even after new posts go up.

12. In Person Feedback
I might be in shul/synagogue or the carpool line or at a wedding and someone gives me feedback about the blog.  That is always really exciting!  The idea that what I do here behind my tiny little laptop makes a difference in people’s lives is thrilling and humbling.

How do you participate in this blog?  At work?  At home?  On your phone?  If you’re a blogger, is your process similar?

Uncategorized January 17, 2013

What Jews Find Funny

Last spring, this cartoon was floating around Facebook:


Lots of people thought it was hilariously funny.  I was aghast.  I thought it was invented by Orthodox Jews to make Reform or Conservative Jews look like lightweights.  But then I saw lots of non-Orthodox Jews posting it too, and finding it hilariously funny.  Then I was insulted, like maybe it’s supposed to show that Orthodox Jews overcharge for the same services in the name of religion (think kosher industry?).  Either way, it made me cringe.

Then, come Chanukah, this one was making its rounds:

What do you think?  Funny or no?  I have two opposite reactions:

1. Hey, that’s kind of cute!  (Wouldn’t mind a miracle like that, myself.)
2. That is SO corny and out of touch with what Chanukah is.  The spelling of “Hanukkah” kinda underscored #2 for me.

Then, the kicker, this one appeared:

 

I found this so annoying.  So corny.  So hackneyed.  SO eye-rollable.  I know humor is not always explicable, but what is funny about this?  To be clear, I do NOT find it offensive.  It’s pretty hard to offend me (OK, bad language and insulting comments are offensive) about Judaism.  It’s just that I don’t see the humor.  It’s the kind of thing I’d laugh at only to make someone feel good.

And btw…I NEVER find bris jokes funny.  

In fact, I’m discovering that I’m pretty hard to please when it comes to “Jewish humor.”  I find most of it in poor taste, sacrilegious, corny, or just plain old unfunny.

What kind of Jewish humor do I appreciate?  Clever plays on words with Hebrew and English, especially textual.  Intra-communal jokes about Jews from various ethnicities (German Jews – “yekkies,” Chasidim, Litvaks – Lithuanian Jews) that even the playing field.  Making fun of ourselves is always awesome.

I even searched the web to find a Jewish cartoon I found funny but I couldn’t.  The closest I came was this:

The Shabbos Belt

It’s pretty cute.

So… am I a culturally Jewish humor scrooge?  What do you find funny?  And if it’s off-color, fuggeddabouddit.

Uncategorized January 14, 2013

Guest Blogger: Meet Kate – A Skeptic Becomes a Convert

 While checking out my blog stats one day, I noticed I’d gotten some traffic from a site called “chbagi.blogspot.com.”  (Don’t worry.  I can’t see WHO finds me, just how many and from where.)  Intrigued, I clicked on it, to discover a lovely blog by one Kate, a recent convert to Judaism.  I scrolled through some posts and just warmed to her message.  I tried commenting on her blog but couldn’t find a way to do so, so I emailed Kate my comment.  I also posted one of her pieces on my Facebook page where quite a discussion ensued, so I found Kate on Facebook and tagged her.  
Now we’re friends.  Facebook agrees.  Of course, the next natural step was to ask Kate if she’d guest blog for me.  And here she is:
The number one question I am asked once people
discover I’m a convert is, “Why Judaism?” Actually, scratch that. The first
thing they want to know is when I’m getting married, a natural presumption
given many converts’ introduction to Judaism through a relationship. As I
explain to them, in my particular case I didn’t fall in love with a man; I fell
in love with Judaism. And I’m happy to tell anyone willing to listen (or read)
why.
This time three years ago, I was still about five
weeks away from finding it. If you had asked me if I was happy, I would have
answered, “Of course!” I loved my life in Chicago, and according to most
modern-day standards, I had everything that was supposed to make a person
happy. Certainly I thought religion was the last thing I needed, as I
associated all religion with my Christian upbringing. I began having major
issues with Christian doctrine (Read: Sending people to hell) in my early teens
and subsequently distanced myself from it. Even with a couple of Jewish
boyfriends later, I never bothered to study Judaism, because I thought if I
disagreed with A, B, & C in Christianity, I’d really have a problem with
A-Z in that harsh religion of laws. So imagine my surprise in late February
2010, when I began researching my paper on Judaism for a Religion course and it
was absolutely nothing like what I had been taught it was. The more I read, the
more I realized how much Judaism matched up with what I already believed, e.g.
people have a good side and a bad side, and can freely choose to make the world
better or worse. Miss
“Spirituality-Yoga-Organized-Religion-Is-Bad-I-Do-Whatever-I-Want” suddenly
agreed with an organized religion. Oh. Uh-oh.
Chalk it up to denial, but after finishing my paper,
I kept reading with the specific intention of waiting for the other shoe to
drop. I really and truly believed that I would find something I disagreed with
and be able to go back to my comfortable existence. When that didn’t happen, I
thought I would try keeping Shabbat, to see if I could walk the walk. I thought
for sure that this would be the dealbreaker that would let me off the hook; I’d
get bored two hours into Friday night and be able to say it just wasn’t for me.
If you’re waiting for the part where I fall in love with Judaism, I promise
it’s coming.

If I was going to test the waters, I was going to do
it right. I obviously didn’t know everything about Shabbat—I didn’t even know
there were special candles—but I knew it involved food, so I bought and
prepared all of my favorites, scribbled down the blessing on a Post-it, and
waited for eighteen minutes before sundown. It’s hard for me to put into words
what I felt that night. I didn’t have timers for my lamps, because I had no
idea they were allowed—I just knew I couldn’t turn lights on or off. But it
turned out that I didn’t need them, because the rosy glow of the sunset and the
candlelight filled my apartment with light and me with a sense of awe. From
that first Shabbat, there was no going back, and I knew it. 
It wasn’t just about the beauty of Shabbat in those
25 hours. After a few weeks, I began noticing that I was more patient, more
aware of what mattered. This really speaks to the effects of the mitzvot
overall: with time, I was becoming
better.
I started to see that this organized religion wasn’t judging or
oppressing me; it was freeing me to live up to my full potential. It was why I
refused to resign myself to only 7 laws, even as the Rabbi insisted that it
would be a much easier life. “And what kind of person would I be,” I argued,
“If I believed in something but gave it up because it wasn’t easy?”
I ask myself that question again all the time, as
becoming officially Jewish wasn’t the end of the struggle. Like Jacob and the
angel, I wrestle with other Jews, I wrestle with G-d, I wrestle with myself.
Sometimes I stubbornly push against the mitzvot that I fought so hard to be
able to perform as a Jew, but like a lover after a quarrel, I always come back.
And when someone asks me, “Why Judaism,” I know exactly how to answer. Because
it works. I lived with myself for years before finding Judaism. I know who I
was, and I know who I am now. Still imperfect, but better than I was three
years ago, and always striving to improve.
Uncategorized January 8, 2013

Disillusioned

Dear Ruchi,


I am so confused I don’t know what to think.  When I started studying about Judaism with you, it sounded so beautiful, sweet, and positive.  I met so many nice people who warmly welcomed me into their homes.  I wished I could have that Shabbat experience, faith, and love in my home.


Now it is a few years later.  I have become much more observant, maybe even what you would call “Orthodox.”  I see the flaws in the community.  I see that lots of people are not sweet or warm.  I see judgmentalism and rudeness.  I feel kind of deflated.  Why didn’t you tell me?


Sadly,
Disillusioned

Dear Disillusioned,

Let me begin by expressing my dismay at your disillusionment.  You seem not only dejected and therefore possibly stunted in your Judaism, but also that you feel I have done you a disservice by not opening your eyes to the flaws and difficulties of observant life in advance.

WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME

Imagine that you are dating a guy that you are really excited about.  Finally, you feel like maybe this is Mr. Right.  He’s kind, sweet, thoughtful.  You meet a married girlfriend for coffee and fill her in on your life.   She says, “Oh, honey, they all start out that way.  Let me tell you what married life is REALLY like.  He’ll leave his stinky socks on the floor and gain 15 pounds.  He’ll ignore you when the football game is on and burp loudly even though you hate it.  There are going to be times that you’ll wonder why you ever thought this was a good idea.  And THAT,” (she drops her voice ominously) “is with a GOOD man.”  (Deep, long-suffering sigh.)

Has your friend done you a service or a disservice?  Is she right?

Another analogy:

You schedule a meeting with a new school for your kids.  You meet the director of admissions who shows you around, and extols the virtues of the school.  You ask good questions and get good answers.  You like the look and feel of the school.  Everyone seems to really like it there.  You join.

After a few months you start to notice it’s not all roses.  There seems to be some underlying tensions between some of the administrators that filters down to staff satisfaction.  Some of the policies of the school don’t sit well with you.  But you still like the school in general, and are happy to spend the extra money to send your kids there.

Was it the job of the director of admissions to inform you of the politics and every policy of the school?  If a friend would have filled you in on all the behind-the-scenes negative stuff, is it a favor?  Is it right?  Would it have changed your opinion?

GIVING UP ON THE ORTHODOX

Is there any institution, school, company, family, religion, community, city, that doesn’t have flaws?  That doesn’t have negativity?  That doesn’t contain people who aren’t good role models?  Does that mean the institution or community is inherently flawed?

Here’s what Elie Wiesel said on the subject:

“A credo that defines my path:


I belong to a generation that has often felt abandoned by God and betrayed by mankind.  And yet, I believe that we must not give up on either. 


Was it yesterday – or long ago – that we learned how human beings have been able to attain perfection in cruelty?  That for the killers, the torturers, it is normal, thus human, to act inhumanely?  Should one, therefore, turn away from humanity?


The answer, of course, is up to each of us.  We must choose between the violence of adults and the smiles of children, between the ugliness of hate and the will to oppose it.  Between inflicting suffering and humiliation on our fellow man and offering him the solidarity and hope he deserves.  Or not.”

Open Heart, 2012

You wonder why people in the Orthodox community are flawed.  It’s because humanity is flawed.  But let’s not give up on Torah, on mitzvah observance, on humanity.  You may wonder why the religion didn’t “make” those people better.  It’s because religion can’t “make” anyone anything.  A
religion can’t make someone better, because he has to do the work to bring it
from his head to his heart to his actions. Free will is the arbiter
here and I don’t think anyone would want it taken away.

So, to my dear burned out friend.

Remember the day you discovered your parents weren’t perfect?  Didn’t know everything?  Wasn’t that devastating?  But now you probably see that although they’re not perfect, they did much good and taught you a lot.

WHO ARE THE “REAL” ORTHODOX?

I hope that you can see the meaning and beauty in the life that Torah outlines despite the fact that not all its adherents lead wonderful lives.  I could extol the virtues of the mitzvah-observant “lifestyle” and even its community with so many examples of truly incredible people who lead beautiful and wonderful lives, both in and out of the limelight.  But this is neither the time nor the place to do so, because you know they’re there.  You’re not talking about them.  You’re talking about the others.

Who are the “real” Orthodox?  The great role models you encountered at your gateway to observant life, or the poor role models that you met later on in your journey?  I can’t answer that because Orthodoxy is a human invention.  But I will say this:

To the extent that a Jew is following Torah, his actions will be beautiful.

Because the same Torah that says to keep kosher, enjoins us not to judge those that don’t.
And the same Torah that says to have humility and modesty begs us not to gossip about those that don’t.
And the same Torah that pleads with us not to neglect Shabbat forbids us from embarrassing another human being.

When you find Jews who are keeping all the man-to-God commandments, and are neglecting the man-to-man commandments, you have the most toxic, ugly mix possible.  You have a classic chillul Hashem (desecration of God’s name).  You have before you a person for whom there is a total disconnect.  For whom his relationship to God is stunted, confused, or dead.  For whom Judaism is in his body but not in his heart.  Maybe he is keeping the external ritual laws out of habit or social pressure, but this is incomplete and warped Judaism.

But this is the human condition.  You are disillusioned, yes, because to think that Orthodoxy can magically transform us from all our human flaws of impatience, rudeness, judgmentalism and the rest – is, indeed, an illusion.  When you sign up for Orthodoxy, you don’t buy a KGB of rabbis who force you to comply with anything.  You’re on your own, there.  And if you want to keep Shabbos and be rude, yes, you will have the free will and the space to do just that.

WE ARE REAL PEOPLE

Did you know that Orthodox people struggle with the same character flaws as everyone else?  WE ARE REGULAR PEOPLE.  We are trying, but we’re not perfect.  We are learning, but we may not always apply what we learn.  We are all different.  We are not lumpable together.  Our rabbis and teachers constantly tell us not to judge.  Although we sometimes fail, can we try together to succeed?

I know we’ll both be richer for it.