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ruchikoval

Book cover: "Conversations with God" by Ruchi Koval.
Uncategorized January 2, 2013

I Don’t Know What To Say

“I don’t know what to say to her… she’s become so Orthodox…”
Just say hi.
“I wouldn’t know how to answer her questions; what if she
asks me why I wear skirts or something??”
Just say hi.
“He’s intermarried; what should I say when we meet?”
Just say hi.
“I think he became a Buddhist now… I wouldn’t even know what
to talk about.”
Just say hi.
“I think she’s involved in a cult…”
Just say hi.
Just be nice.
Just be friendly.
Smile.
Show an interest in the human being…
And remember to just say hi.
Even in line at the grocery store.
Even in synagogue.
Even at a wedding.
Even at Target.
Just smile and say hi.
Is it so hard?
Quote about urgency and personalizing phones.
Uncategorized December 31, 2012

2012 Round-up and Commenter Awards!

Dear OOTOB readers,

2012 is coming to an end and we ring in 2013.  Now, that actually means very little to me, other than my checks will all be wrong for awhile, but it’s a fun time to reflect back on where OOTOB has been this year – the highs, the lows, and the commenters – all of you!

My most popular post this year was my interview with Libby, my new Chassidish friend, back in July.  At this moment the post has been viewed 4,197 times (for contrast, popular post #2, about what you need to know as a guest at an Orthodox Shabbat, from August 2011, has 3,608 hits).  To this day the most frequent search terms that bring people to the blog involve Chassidish people and specifically “Hasidic” women.  Libby is astonished at the interest, btw.  She claims there are far more interesting posts here :).

My least popular post of 2012 was… surprise!  An infomercial.  And it was the very next post after Libby’s interview.

The post with the most comments was about whether Orthodox Jews consider Reform Jews to be Jewish – with 361 comments, back in April.  That was exhilarating, even if we had to keep refreshing the page to continue the conversation.

For least amount of comments (excluding posts that link to guest posts elsewhere), a few of them only got one: in August, about how we manage to spend time with all our numerous relatives; in June, about how religious leadership must comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable (ironic, since it got almost 500 hits – and is also a very popular google search topic that brings people here); in March, some philosophical musings about wheels and windows; and this one really surprised me, my January post Half-Judaism (which also got a couple hundred hits).

Comments!

4,146 comments have been published on OOTOB since its inception in July 2011.

While most of my commenters are anonymous and using an alias, I know who most of them are…heh heh heh.  Blogging has its perks, you see.  And while I never reveal that which is confidential, I’d like to honor my most frequent commenters with some awards!  Here goes:

1. The LINKING LIVING LIBRARY award goes to none other than Larry Lennhoff.  A virtual storehouse of online info, he is also to be credited for using his real name.  I know how scary that is.  Thanks, Larry, for educating us and for always keeping the conversation fascinating.

2. The NON-ORTHODOX  and BEST CONVERSATIONALIST award goes to…SBW (aka Should Be Working).  SBW asks the questions many others are thinking and brings an awesome perspective to this blog.  She (since she has outed herself as female) also hangs around even though rough evidence indicates this blog is 70% Orthodox.  Not easy.  Kudos!

3. The I AGREE WITH ALMOST EVERY SINGLE THING THIS PERSON SAYS EXCEPT S/HE SAYS IT BETTER THAN ME AND KNOWS MORE THAN ME award goes to DG!!  DG also gets the award for NO ONE CAN FIGURE OUT IF DG IS MALE OR FEMALE.  This is impressive.  Thanks for joining the blog, DG!

4. And now, for the ALMOST USES HER REAL NAME AND ADDS SUCH BEAUTIFUL THOUGHTS award goes to miriambyk.  I just love her insights and braveness.  Hey, miriambyk!

5. The MOST EXOTIC PERSPECTIVE award goes by far to Diplogeek, who resides in China (I think?) and, as a convert to Judaism, brings some great views to the table.  Thanks for hanging with us, Diplogeek!

6. A newcomer to the blog, “Anonymous/Orthoprax,” at least from my perspective, wins for MOST INTRIGUING LIFE award.  I would love to learn more about you, A/O!  Thanks for adding your thoughts.

7. And finally, the award for I NEVER KNOW IF YOU’RE THE SAME PERSON WHEN YOU POST goes to “Sarah.”  I always wonder: are you the same Sarah every time?  Or are there multiple Sarahs here?

So that’s my 2012 round-up!  Hope you enjoy the little click down memory lane.  Once again, I’d like to express my gratitude to all of you, my readers, and to all of my commenters, for making this roller coaster worth it.

Happy 2013.  May all your dreams come true.

What was your most favorite/least favorite post?  Who’s your favorite commenter?

Empty stainless steel bowl on granite countertop.
Uncategorized December 26, 2012

To Bagel

My husband was on the West Side of Cleveland (where there are very few Jews) for a bris appointment with new parents.  On the way home, he stopped by a pharmacy to pick up a few items.  The man standing behind him in line leaned in and said, with a distinctive New York accent:

“Ya can’t even get a decent knish around here!”

Bingo, husband.  You’ve been bageled.

Bageling is when a person wants an obviously “Jewish” looking Jew (ie, wearing a yarmulke, buying latke mix at the grocery) to know that he, too, is Jewish.  I’ve been bageled numerous times, and I’ve bageled others too (they don’t always appreciate it).  I love it when people bagel me because it gives me the opportunity to connect with a fellow Jew, but more, it shows me that this person is proud of his Judaism and wants to connect too.

My brother was in an airport once and a guy came over to him and simply said, “CHOLENT!”  I’m not kidding you.  That was the bagel.  That guy wanted my obviously Jewish brother to know that he, too, was a fellow member of the tribe.

I was at the Children’s Museum in Baltimore on a Friday afternoon and looked at my watch, motioning to my kids that we were going to get ready to leave.  The woman sitting next to me said, “It’s almost Shabbos – we better get going too!”  It was important to her that I know that she was cognizant and observant of Shabbos.

On the flip side, I was at a bank opening an account, and the the man helping me out was wearing a nametag that read, “Josh Goldstein.”  He asked me, among other things, my mother’s maiden name, which is very Jewish-sounding.  He seemed like a pretty friendly guy, so I told it to him, smiled and said, “Can’t get a more Jewish name than that!”  He seemed a bit uncomfortable with the bagel.  Maybe it felt off to him professionally.

Another bank teller in the branch I always frequent has a very Jewish name.  Before Rosh Hashanah I was in there and I was thinking, “Should I wish him a Happy New Year?”  I spent the whole time in line pondering this question, and when I finally got to the front, mustered up the courage and wished him a Happy New Year.  His face lit up and he wished me one right back.

To bagel or not to bagel?  Do you like being bageled?  Have you ever bageled someone else?  Good or bad results?

Poster advertising an event at JFX.
Uncategorized December 23, 2012

Tomayto, Tomahto – Shabbat, Shabbos

It has long bothered me that among fellow Jews, even our common language has built-in divisions:

Shabbos, Shabbat
Tallis, tallit
Sukkos, Sukkot
Bat mitzvah, bas mitzvah

I wish we could just ascribe a “tomayto, tomahto” attitude here, but it seems there are some deep attachments to one’s familiar ways of hearing and saying Hebrew – and some consciously overt preferences as well.

These divisions are generally characterized as “Sephardic and Ashkenazic,” but it’s not that simple.  For one, the modern state of Israel, populated in large numbers by Jews of Ashkenazic descent, employ the “Sephardic” pronunciations, using the “t” sound wherever the Hebrew letter “tav” appears, as opposed to pronouncing some of them (grammar-dependent) as an “s.”  Also, the Reform movement, and possibly the Conservative movement, or at least parts of it, employ the Sephardic pronunciation as well, even where its leaders or adherents are of Ashkenazic descent.  I am unsure why this is.  Perhaps to identify with the state of Israel?

According to Rabbi Joe Blair:

As a way of integrating and welcoming the refugees from the Muslim
lands, the State of Israel decided to institute the practice of teaching
Sephardi pronunciation as the official Hebrew spoken in Israel. Most
Hebrew speakers today use this pronunciation. There is a still-sizeable
number of Ashkenazi Jews who have chosen to remain with that
pronunciation; in particular, the Orthodox (and as some would call them,
the ultra-Orthodox) have chosen to hold to the Ashkenazi pronunciation.

This is interesting, because there were Ashkenazic refugees as well.  I think that somehow along the way the Ashkenazic pronunciation became associated with the “old-style” Jew, the “shtetl” Jew – and perhaps this was not the image the state of Israel wished to retain.

When my family lived in Israel for five years, we spoke modern Hebrew, the “Sephardic” way – and I got so used to this that when we returned to the states and put our kids in schools where the “s” sound was used instead, it sounded so odd to my ears.  Yet, in Israel, I often felt on the defensive if I inadvertently slipped into the “s” version – like I was outing myself as a hopelessly outdated Jew.

Now I use whatever word I think my fellow conversant is most used to.  Here on the blog I flip back and forth.  When I see someone approaching, I wish them “Good Shabbos” if I think they might be more used to that, or “Shabbat Shalom” if I think that’s their thing.  Of course, my split-second assessments are often wrong.  Sometimes the approacher corrects me and greets me with the “right” version.  If I’m greeted, I simply return the greeting as it’s offered to me.

So to you, readers, I ask:

Are the different pronunciations such a big deal?  What do they mean to you?

Election aftermath text on textured background.
Uncategorized December 19, 2012

Fiddler on the Roof: an unfavorite movie

I’ve learned that Fiddler on the Roof is one of those universal “Jewy” references that people love to, well, reference.  In fact, I’ve definitely referenced it a few times right here.  And truth be told, that movie has brought me to tears – tears of deep emotion around our beloved traditions, children coming of age, the inevitable assimilation of some of our children, the endless anti-semitism.  And, too, it has made me laugh so hard I’ve had tears in my eyes (the dream scene!).  The music is absolutely magnificent both thematically and musically.

So why is it my unfavorite movie?

Here’s what I think.  See, my grandmothers, who are (thank God) still alive, remember the shtetl.  But as I suspected all along, and unscientifically “confirmed” in my recent research project on the subject, most Jews in the world do not have a living relative who remembers living in the shtetl.  So for most of them, impressions of the shtetl are largely formed by movies such as Fiddler.

What’s wrong with that, you may ask?

Well, a few things.

1. No one in that movie actually seems to know why anyone is keeping any of the Jewish observances.

The trademark song “Tradition” basically says, we have no idea why we do these things, but it’s our tradition so we’ll do them anyway.  Now, I have no need to romanticize life in the shtetl (just as I have no need to romanticize life as a modern-day Orthodox woman) but I do want the truth as I have experienced it to be told.

In my grandparents’ families, there was a deep education and connection with the meaning of the observances, such that my grandparents still recall and repeat today.  In fact, I feel that the movie disrespects their experience.  Of course I am sure that there were some families who just observed out of habit or social pressure, but an entire village?  Even the rabbi is a little clueless, which brings me to…

2. The rabbi is a fool.

Here are his most brilliant, sparkling lines, full of wisdom, depth and guidance (not).  This is still a problem today.  I see some “shtetl-era” books being issued for Jewish kids today.  Most of the time the rabbi is totally unkempt and stupid.  Again, some rabbis are unkempt and I’m sure that some rabbis don’t have particularly good advice, but for this to be the “shtetl-era” rabbi image emblazoned in the minds of your typical American Jew?  What happened to respect for our scholars and leaders, for our role models, and those more learned?  What kind of message is that for our kids?

My grandparents describe the utter reverence for their holy rabbis; the deep respect accorded them by the parents of the household; how the members of the shtetl would vie for the privilege of caring for their needs, hosting them in their homes, attending their lectures.  Where is any of that?  The question about waiting for the Messiah is a good one; why is no response given?

3. Yentl the matchmaker is a caricature but her impressions remains.

To this day when I tell people about how many in the Orthodox world meet and date they immediately think of Yentl.  Yentl of the ugly wife and the blind husband: a match made in heaven.  Granted, “dating” in the shtetl is not identical to Orthodox dating today, even when a “matchmaker” is employed, but I believe this image has damaged the reputation of the matchmaker, casting him/her in the role of “arranger of marriages” rather than how it really is today, which is “arranger of blind dates.”

I’m sure there’s more, but these are the top three that come to mind.  And lest you all think I’m just a Jewish humor grinch be it known that I love to laugh and think lots of things are funny.  But sometimes, I’ve learned, I think different things are funny or enjoyable than other Jews, because of my Orthodox orientation.  The “Jewish” things I find funny are more like inside Orthodox jokes, whereas I find “typical” Jew jokes corny.

And as far as Fiddler, I will end where I started: it’s a masterpiece and a classic.  And a bit sad, because for many viewers, this, and only this, remains the vision of our rich shtetl era.

Empty stainless steel bowl on granite countertop.
Uncategorized December 17, 2012

Newtown

Jewish Response to Tragedy.  No.

When Bad Things Happen to Good People.  No, no.  You said you wouldn’t do that topic except in person.

So…maybe the best thing is to be silent after a tragedy of this magnitude?  But how can you remain silent and just go and blog about something else, as though it never happened?

Judaism certainly has many ideas to share about pain and suffering.  Yes, but is this the time to share them?

No.

Judaism teaches that one does not comfort the mourner while he is still burying his dead.  So what to do?

Be there.  Be present.  Show you care.  Don’t ignore it, but don’t offer words of consolation.

Okay.

Prescription bottle labeled "Pills and Skills".
Uncategorized December 14, 2012

A Mensch

When they asked me, “What are you looking for?” I said, “A mensch.”

A mensch first and foremost.

Someone who takes his Judaism seriously, but also knows how to have a good time.
Someone who comes from a great family.
Tall wouldn’t hurt.
But really?  Someone who is kind.  Patient.  Pays attention to others.

On a date, we passed a toll booth.
You said to the toll collector, with a big smile, “Hi there!!  How are
you doing today??”  Your enthusiasm was so genuine and kind.  As we
rolled away from the window, you said, “Enjoy the rest of your day!”
And I thought, I’m going to marry that guy.  (Not the toll
collector.)

And now, nearly 20 years later, a lot has changed.  Glasses styles. 
Hair color.  Important things, too.  But something hasn’t changed. 
You’re still that ultimate mensch – the one that likes to bring joy to
others.  The one that won’t say no if someone asks for a favor.  The one
that no one can say no to, if you ask a favor, because you are just so,
so, so nice.

I couldn’t have asked for a better role model in being a mensch.

Happy birthday, Sruly.