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Inspirational quote on vintage paper background.
Uncategorized September 10, 2012

Judaism v. Twitter

Is Judaism twitterable?

I’ll confess:  I briefly joined twitter way back when I started my blog, because “everyone” said that bloggers “have to” be on twitter.

It was awful.  The relationship ended very quickly.

This might completely be due to my inadequacies, and I’m delighted to own that.  But I wonder if there’s more.  One of the things that freaked me out about twitter was that when you tweet a link, it’s in truncated code.  You can’t tell until you click what website it’s coming from.  It’s like going down a dark tunnel with your eyes closed.

Also: since you can’t monitor who has access to comment on your output (not that Facebook is foolproof here, but the gates are somewhat more manageable), anyone who vehemently disagrees with your general approach to life is eligible to argue you down every time you tweet (who has time for these things?).

And the space limitations means that you have to pare down, pare down, and pare down your message once again to fit the space.  That’s not terrible, but if someone wants to respond to you and actually have a conversation, your defense/response is severely limited.

Finally, all of twitter is in code, for a newbie (yes, an apt metaphor for newbies in Orthodox environments; I am not oblivious to the irony).  It’s like going to a wedding where you don’t know anyone and they’re all speaking a foreign language.  There are #hashtags and RT@ all over the place.  #goodluckwiththatstupid.

I departed quickly with my tail between my legs, feeling like a blogging failure.  I went running back to Facebook and cried myself to sleep at home where everyone knows me and likes me.  It was a dark time.  (Kidding, sort of.)

But then I read an interesting article that got me thinking: maybe it’s not that I personally was a failure at twitter, although that’s certainly possible, but also/instead that depth in Judaism and twitter are simply incompatible partners.

To my first point, in Judaism it matters deeply what the source is.  Travels down dark tunnels are not recommended.  Learn from a teacher, but first learn about your teacher.

Second, Judaism is both accessible to all (Torah was given in a desert, teaches the midrash, to indicate that it belongs equally to everyone and no one) and not completely readily accessible.  The student must try to find it; exert effort; discover a teacher; and schvitz it out a bit.  Even putting this kind of information on the web for all to see opens it up to ridicule and worse by those that are disinterested and hostile to its message.  Good or bad?  You be the judge.

But it was the forced terseness that ultimately ended the relationship.  I NEED the time, the space, to fully explain, with compassion and nuance, what my message is.  Otherwise, I’ve learned, it’s better to remain silent.  A half message is worse than no message.

And the code was just kind of inhospitable.

But maybe I’m just sensitive.

Anyway.  Here I am.  Blogging, with Facebook as my friend.  I come in peace, as my 11-year-old says.  Those that are open to my message or are searching for depth and understanding, here I am.  Those that are opposed or hostile, shalom unto you.  And those that have questions, by all means.  I have all day, and all the space in the world.

Tweet that.

Rising dough in a covered metal bowl.
Uncategorized September 6, 2012

9 FAQ For Your First Orthodox Wedding

Invited to an Orthodox wedding for the first (or second or third) time?  Scared out of your pants skirt??  Don’t know what to wear, what to bring as a gift, or how to decode the invitation?  Hang on tight.  I’ll walk you right through the anxiety.

Note: Within the Orthodox community there is a range of expectations and habits surrounding the wedding.  I’ll address the kinds of weddings I’m used to attending in my community, and I welcome comments on other kinds of Orthodox weddings that are different from what I describe.

1. WHAT SHOULD I WEAR?

If you are female, this is your first question.  Well, it’s probably your first question about everything, but especially here.  But even if you are male, you might wonder.

Women: “Is it inappropriate to wear black?”  Um, no.  In some circles you might even wonder if it’s mandatory.  Although color is most definitely making a comeback, you can’t go wrong with basic black.

Not OK is sleeveless clothing, short clothes (you will see most guests covering the knee), and low cut tops (most guests will have collarbones covered).  There is a garment you will want to know about.  It’s called a “shell.”  It’s basically a layering top, but dressy, with a crew neck top and long sleeves, that you can pretty much layer under almost anything you already have in your closet.  Lots and lots of your fellow females will be garbed in this wonder invention.

Guys: your basic black dress suit is perfect.  Most Orthodox weddings aren’t the tux type.  A nice dress tie and you’re good.  But y’all have an additional complication: the yarmulke.  You should wear a yarmulke to an Orthodox wedding.  In theory you can wear any old kind you like, but if you’re the type that wants to fit in, you should leave the satin one at home and find out what kind of yarmulke the crowd wears.  Because it’s kind of a statement.

2. WILL THE BRIDE KISS THE GROOM?

Yes, this is a frequently asked question.  The answer is yes, but in private.  Judaism teaches that our romantic affections ought be reserved for private spaces.  Take it or leave it, but you will not see the kiss.  Sorry.  Hang out at the airport and you will see lots.

3. TO WHAT DEGREE WILL MEN AND WOMEN BE SEPARATE?

Some Orthodox weddings will have completely separate seating.  Some with a mechitza (this may be more for the dancing than for the seating, depending on the crowd).  Some will have mixed seating, with certain tables “men-only” and some “women-only.”  Others will have mixed seating entirely.

All Orthodox chuppahs that I have personally attended are seated separately.

Dancing will always be separate, as it is a feature of Jewish law not to have mixed dancing.  However, this can range from with a mechitza to simply separate circles with no mechitza.

4. I’M NOT INTO DANCING.  WHAT DO I NEED TO KNOW?

Firstly, no one *has* to dance.  It’s a mitzvah to make the bride and groom happy, which is supposed to be the goal of any wedding attendee: to achieve this mitzvah.  To that end, some weddings have a circus-like quality to them, with guests juggling, singing special songs, and bringing in all sorts of cute “shtick” – paraphernalia, props, and inside jokes to make the bride and groom laugh.  You might also see gymnastic feats, fire-eaters, jump-ropers, or who-knows-what else.  It’s really fun.

The dancing itself is your typical hora-style circle dancing with a bit of a twist.  The bride/groom/parents usually hover at the center, pulling in close friends and family to whirl around with.

5. WHAT ON EARTH DOES THIS INVITATION MEAN AND WHEN SHOULD I ACTUALLY SHOW UP?

The invitation lists two start times: one for the “kabbalas panim” – when the bride and groom sit, throne-like, and the guests come forward to wish mazel tov.  The second time is for the chuppah.

Hint: don’t come at the first listed time.  Only you and the photographer will be there.  If you want to be on time for the chuppah (some guests come afterwards for the dancing if they can’t come right away – which is fine – it’s kind of casual as far as coming and going when it works for you), consider coming twenty minutes after the first listed time.  You will then have time to greet the family and wish mazel tov before the chuppah begins.  (Sidebar: you will notice that even non-related guests greet each other with “mazel tov.”  Try it, you’ll like it.)

There will be a long break between the chuppah and dancing.  This is because the bride and groom adjourn to their private room (see #2) and afterwards take pictures together – this is because many abide by a custom that bride and groom don’t see each other for a week prior to the wedding and thus have not been together to take pictures until after the chuppah.  The guests will begin dinner until the bride and groom enter the hall in an explosion of music and dancing.

6. WHAT ABOUT KIDS?

If your kids are not listed on the invitation, but are close to either the bride or groom, it is acceptable to bring them for the kabbalas panim and chuppah only.  Then they can go home before dinner.

7. WHY ARE THEY PLAYING THE “ROCKY” THEME SONG AT AN ORTHODOX WEDDING?

Hm.  This is a question about Jewish music today, which is kind of beyond the scope of this post.  I’ll just say that at most Othodox weddings today, you will NOT hear “hava nagila” and “heveinu shalom aleichem.”  That’s reserved for non-Orthodox bnei mitzvah.  Orthodox music has “moved on” to include all kinds of eclectic stuff, which you may love or hate.  You may think it’s awesome, or reject the fact that it’s Jewish.  But that’s what you can expect.  (At a wedding I attended last night, one particular instrumental segment contained strains of both “The Brady Bunch” theme song as well as the one from “Gilligan’s Island.”)

8. WHAT WILL THE CHUPPAH BE LIKE?

Very solemn.  Hopefully.  It’s considered an incredibly holy time.  Many guests rise when the bride and groom are walked down, in respect of their role as king and queen for the evening.  The sources teach that the divine presence comes down at this moment, and that the gates of heaven open for prayer.  The souls of loved ones are believed to be present.  You might see guests praying.  The bride and groom are often praying, sometimes tearfully, as it’s a personal Yom Kippur for them.  It’s about a 20 minute service, mostly in Hebrew.  The Aramaic ketubah is read aloud.

9.  WHAT’S AN APPROPRIATE GIFT?

I have no idea why, but people don’t bring their gifts to the Orthodox weddings I’ve been to.  They either drop them off in advance or after the fact.

While some brides register, many don’t, which leaves you on your own.  Checks are always considered appropriate, often in denominations of “chai” – $18.  If the couple is moving to Israel, this is your best bet, so they don’t have to shlep anything.  Otherwise, household goods, cookbooks, crystal, or Judaica such as kiddush cups.  I don’t recommend mezuzah covers, although it seems so intuitive, because most of them are too small to contain a kosher scroll.

Well, now you’re all prepared.  Remember that you are doing a mitzvah by attending and don’t forget to have fun.  Find a nice Orthodox person and ask all your questions.  He or she will most likely be glad to do a little hand-holding!

Mazel tov!  What are your experiences with Orthodox weddings?


Related post:  Cultural Oddities: Simcha Celebrations

Smiling person holding a cupcake.
Uncategorized September 4, 2012

Why Orthodox Jews Like To Talk About the Messiah

They’ll behave around the non-Orthodox, but among themselves, Orthodox Jews just love to talk about the Messiah.

First let’s get his name straight.  His Hebrew name is “Mashiach.”  Actually, it’s not his name at all,  but just a nickname.  Mashiach is Hebrew for – wait for it – “the anointed one.”  (Messianic Jews got it from somewhere, see?)

Now let’s discuss who he is, then we’ll talk about why we are waiting for him, and finally I’ll do the big reveal: why do we talk about it so much??

WHO HE IS

The Messiah is not some angel or robot or flaming knight in shining armor.  He is probably most similar to King Solomon.  He is a human, a Jew, born of a woman, of the King David family line on his father’s side, who will be an incredibly spiritually inspiring leader, king, and rabbi among the Jewish people.  He will diplomatically restore peace to the Land of Israel, and, perhaps even more miraculously, be accepted by every faction of the Jewish people.

(This is not science fiction so please don’t stop reading yet.)

Over time, he will lead the Jews back to Israel and usher in an era of world peace and spiritual clarity.



WHY WE ARE WAITING FOR HIM

To some degree this is already obvious.  But Judaism teaches that all of our physical ailments and spiritual obstacles will disappear under the leadership of the Messiah, so add that for extra incentive.  The Jewish people will be respected deeply as moral beacons (not science fiction I said) and God’s love will be patently obvious.

Personality disturbances, mental illness, and financial problems will cease to be an issue.  The Jewish people will continue to live and die and have families as usual, but “the world will be filled with the knowledge of God as water covers the sea.”  Thus, religious conflicts will vanish as well.  It will become easy to reach our potential.  Hopelessness and ambiguity will be shined away by the light of joy and clarity.

WHY WE TALK ABOUT HIM A LOT

Here are some common phrases one might use:

  • “We really need Mashiach” [in the context of a tragedy or crisis].
  • “Can you believe that in 20 years I’ll be almost 60?  Mashiach should be here by then!”
  • “Next time we meet may it be to greet Mashiach” [commonly said as the closing of a bar mitzvah or other Jewish occasion speech].



I’ll add here, in the interest of full disclosure, that not all Orthodox Jews are equally comfortable discussing the Messiah.  Some are very open and “out there” about his future appearance, and others are more subtle in their expression.


But part of why this is so key to being Orthodox is that it appears in Maimonides’ “13 Principles of Faith” and thus is a core tenet in Torah observance.  Orthodox Jews also believe that the arrival of the Messiah is an occasion of historical closure, ending religious ambiguity and discomfort of all kinds.  It is the culmination of our hopes and dreams and is deeply important in every matter that is dear to us.  And that is why we talk about it a lot.

WHAT ABOUT NOW?

Now we are in an era of “pre-Messianic times.”  The sources have some chilling things to say about the era just prior to the arrival of the Messiah.  Here are some:

1. There will be a plethora of chutzpah.
2. Costs will soar.
3. Parents will be subservient to their children instead of children being subservient to their parents.
4. People will turn to alcohol to drown their
pain.
5. Common sense will be rare.
6. Ambiguity will replace clarity.

To me these Talmudic words are prophetic.

I’ll close with the words of Maimonides (upon whose works most of this post is based):

“I believe with a complete faith in the arrival of the Messiah.  And even though he delays, with all this I await him every day, that he may come.”

Did you know that these beliefs were a part of Judaism?  What are your thoughts on the subject?

Hikers ascending desert path with direction sign.
Interviews, Uncategorized August 29, 2012

Meet Tzivia, My Orthodox Professional Mom Friend: an Interview

My interview with my Chassidic friend Libby was such a sensation that I thought I might do a series on a variety of Orthodox people I know… problem: they all responded, “Well, I’m not as interesting as Libby…”

Which is OK.  My point here is to show that there are lots of really nice, normal Orthodox people who like being Orthodox, and that there are lots of ways to be Orthodox, too.  So I intend to proceed (without worrying about competing with the world’s fascination with all things Chassidic).

Continue Reading
Event poster on outdoor digital screen.
Uncategorized August 26, 2012

It's My Birthday!

Mazel tov!  I’m 38, which means my Hebrew birth date and my secular calendar birth date coincide.  For most folks, this occurs first on the 19th birthday, and then every 19 years, but in my case my 19th birthdays were a day apart (I was engaged that year!), so this is a first for me.
May I ask for a birthday gift? 

In the comment section, would you take a moment to share what was your favorite OOTOB post and why?  I’d love that!

Thanks, readers – whether you read sometimes or always, are a commenter or not, agree with me or don’t, or sometimes share my posts.  I appreciate every single one of you.

‘Till 120: l’chaim!

White Bosch kitchen mixer on countertop.
Uncategorized August 22, 2012

Dear Teacher: May It Be An Atonement

Dear Teacher,

I’m only in the 5th grade, and you aren’t even my teacher.  But you taught me something that I’ll probably remember for a long time.  

I don’t think you saw me watching when you fell in the cafeteria.  I was eating my lunch with my friends, and some water must have spilled near the sinks, because you slid right across the floor and fell with an embarrassing thud.

All the teachers rushed around to see if you were OK.  I looked away, ashamed to see a grown-up fall like a regular kid.

And then, as you got up, I heard you say a phrase I’d never heard before: “It should be a kapparah.”

Now, I knew the word “kapparah.”  That means “atonement.”  I thought hard about what you said, and realized that you were taking your embarrassment and your hurt, and saying that you hoped, and prayed, sort of, too, that God would take it and use it to erase something wrong that you had once done.  Maybe something by mistake.  Or maybe something on purpose? 

I didn’t know grown-ups did things wrong on purpose.  Especially you.  You’re such a good person.  But my mother told me once that nobody’s perfect.  Only God is perfect.  So I guess that’s what you meant.

Anyway, I thought that was a really neat way of dealing with what happened to you.  Maybe I’ll copy that when something wrong happens to me that I can’t fix or change.  And maybe I’ll take it with me for when I become a grown-up.

So I just wanted to say thank you for that.  It changed the way I think and really helped me.

Sincerely,

Rochel Indich, 1985
5th grader at the Hebrew Academy of Cleveland

Empty stainless steel bowl on countertop.
Uncategorized August 19, 2012

Hi, I’m a Gentile

Jews:  .18% of world population (that’s POINT 18%)
Blacks:  8% of world population
Hindus:  15% of world population
Muslims:  29% of world population
Christians:  32% of world population
Asians:  60% of world population

Of all these groupings, none of them (that I can think of) has a word to classify anyone who is NOT that class.  There is no word in the English language that means “anyone who is not black”; “anyone who is not Christian”; et cetera.

Yet, the smallest, most minuscule grouping, Jews, yields a word that is universally accepted to mean “anyone who is not a Jew.”  Even though that grouping includes 99.82% of the world and includes the most racially, ethnically, and religiously diverse group there is.  The one and only thing everyone in the group has in common, is that he or she is not a Jew.

Does this make any sense to you??

More.

Personally, I don’t use the word Gentile in my common parlance.  I feel that perhaps it would be perceived as somehow exclusionist or elitist and instead employ the more neutral term, “non-Jew.”  Most Jews that I know also prefer the softer term.

But.

Most non-Jews that I know, when telling me that they are not Jewish, seem to be more likely to use the term “Gentile” than Jews.

Hmm.

The term “Gentile” seems to have originally derived from the Hebrew “goy.”  The Hebrew word “goy” means “nation,” and is used many times throughout Torah scripture, never derogatorily.  Sometimes it refers to the Jewish nation and sometimes it refers to the other nations, usually in the context of exhorting the Jewish people to resist the pulls of assimilation and intermarriage and to remain true to its heritage.

Somehow, the term evolved into its common usage, ostensibly by those very non-Jews.  So why did everyone buy into this term?  Do non-Jews feel that “everyone who is not Jewish” somehow shares a common bond?  More than “everyone who is not black”?  More than “everyone who is not Christian”?

Still scratching my head.

Thoughts?