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ruchikoval

Text: "The Moments Aren't Gone" on textured background.
Uncategorized May 11, 2012

The Helicopter and the Rocket Ship

Hey readers,

For those of you that like parenting stuff (which this blog is not) I was published yesterday over at parentingsimply.com on the Helicopter and the Rocket Ship.  (I know it says “by Adina Soclof” – she’s the creator of the site – but at the bottom you’ll see my cute little bio so you’ll know it’s really from yours truly.)

Much ink has been spilled on the altar of abolishing the Helicopter
Parent: that mom (or dad) who always hovers worriedly nearby, ready,
willing and able to don spandex tights and a cape and SWOOP down to save
the day!

With forgotten lunches, neglected book reports and excuse notes in tow,
this parent unwittingly inhibits independence in his/her kids and stunts
their ability to grow into confident adults who have the skills to meet
the challenges of life.

What about Helicopter’s arch-nemesis: Rocket Ship Parent? …continue reading

The moments aren't gone, vintage background.
Uncategorized May 9, 2012

What is Israel, Anyway?

Since I shy away from controversial topics, I’ve danced around the Israel issue for a long time.  Well, that’s about to end.

It seems that Neshama Carlebach has changed the lyrics to the Israeli national anthem, Hatikva, to broaden its meaning and include Israeli Arabs.

Here are the revised words below. Changes are in bold, with the original words following in brackets.
As long as the heart within
An Israeli [Jewish] soul still yearns
And onward, towards the East
An eye still gazes towards our country [Zion]
We have still not lost our hope
our ancient [2000 year] hope
To be a free people in the land of our fathers [our land]
in the city in which David, in which David encamped [land of Zion and Jerusalem]
To be a free people in our land
In the land of Zion and Jerusalem.

Part of what stymies American Jews in trying to figure out what in tarnation is going on in Israel is the core issue of separation of church and state.  Now whether that precept is good for the Jews or bad for the Jews depends on a lot of factors, but bottom line, it’s what us US Jews are used to.

Israel, though, was founded as joint church (pardon the expression) and state.  The state IS the church, see?  It was formed as a Jewish nation.  Now we have a move to widen that definition – make it Israeli instead of Jewish.

What IS Israeli???

Falafel?  Nosy taxi drivers?  Searing heat in the southern deserts?  Drought?  War?  Teva pharmaceuticals?  Naot sandals?  Soldiers?  What?

If Israel is not Jewish, what is it?

And if it is Jewish, must it be so politically?

For reasons I cannot fully explain, this change, following the whole controversy of  Jerusalem not being listed as the capital of Israel on birth certificates, makes me so, so weary.  Sad.  Tired.  Help me understand.

What do you think?

Book cover: "Conversations with God" by Ruchi Koval.
Uncategorized May 3, 2012

Birthdays, Valentine’s Day, and Competitive Sports: What I Learned in Buffalo Grove, Illinois

Total immersion – moving from Jerusalem to Buffalo Grove, Illinois:  from almost complete Orthodox social insularity to very heterogeneous Jewish suburbia.

My husband had accepted his first pulpit position in a small outreach congregation, and I was about to learn everything there was to know about the Jews in the ‘burbs.  For the purpose of this post, I will refer to my fellow Jews that I met as HSJs (heterogeneous suburban Jews).  This means they were not Orthodox, not urban, basically raising young families and sending their kids to (the excellent local) public schools.  Some considered themselves Reform, some secular or unaffiliated, some of Orthodox sympathies but not observant quite to that degree, and some Conservative.

I enjoyed meeting these families so much, and they were patient and loving as I figured out what on earth I was doing (at the tender young age of 23).  I learned much about them, and them about me.  So what follows is hardly a judgment call, but simply my learning curve.

Here were the surprises:

1.  HSJs are very big on birthdays.

Now, I am too.  But just because it’s my kid’s birthday, or even my husband’s or mother’s, doesn’t mean I am going to stop the clock and ignore everyone else.  I found this devoted observance of birthdays surprising and interesting.  Growing up, my mother always acknowledged our birthdays with a cake on the Friday night preceding or following our Hebrew birthday, or English.  Depending on which came first.  Or what else was going on.  Occasionally a friend would have party, at home.  With homemade cake usually, or something at the local kosher pizza place.

So when people told me they couldn’t come to an event or class because it was someone’s birthday, I couldn’t really wrap my brain around it.

Here’s why I think:  

In the Orthodox world, people have a lot of kids.  And people get married young and have more kids.  This means a lot of cousins, neighbors and occasions.  For example, in my extended family and community, about once a week, if not more, there is an occasion of some sort: bar/bat mitzvah, upsherin (first haircut for a 3-year-old boy), siyum (celebration of completion of a part of Talmud), wedding, sheva brachos (week-long celebration following the wedding), Jewish holiday, and on and on.

Birthdays, frankly, paled in comparison.

2. HSJs celebrate Valentine’s Day.

This was a shocker to me.  We couldn’t plan an event on Valentine’s?  Really?  For Jews?  Wasn’t St. Valentine, um, a saint?

Here’s why I think:

Hallmark wins on this one, guys.  It’s succeeded in convincing us that this is not a religious thing, but a moral obligation for all husbands.  Jewish guys are menschen, right?  So they do the flowers, wine, and chocolate.  Everyone forgot about the St. and is just trying to stay out of trouble.

3. HSJs live in the car shuffling their kids to sports events and then watch their kids at those events. 


My siblings and I were into extra-curricular stuff.  But it looked really different from what I saw in BG.  I was in the drama group at school, my brothers played football on the front lawn every Sunday, and I took Red Cross first aid and babysitting through my school.  My parents never watched us do those things, and I would never have expected them to.

Here’s why I think:

I think this one just boils down to not only having a lot of kids, but being a part of a community where lots of people have a lot of kids.  Therefore, the soccer mom model is simply not sustainable: not time-wise, and not financially.  Expectations are radically different.  I used to not get that when people said “How do you manage?” they were thinking of ALL. THAT. DRIVING.

I have enough driving with school carpools, going to friends, and household errands.  I could never manage more.  Thankfully, no one expect me to, because our community is just not structured that way.

4.  Finally, HSJs were extraordinarily touched that we had chosen to live in their community.


I had wondered if anyone would wonder why the riffraff was moving in, but we received such a wonderfully warm welcome.  Time and again we were asked if it was hard for us, living away from family, far from the day school, and not in an eruv.

They offered to help with my kids and bring us something kosher from the local bakery, and were thrilled for us when a kosher deli opened in town.

And this, for me, was the best surprise.

Have you ever been in a situation where you learned a lot about a different type of Jew?

Quote about personal mentors on blurred background.
Uncategorized April 27, 2012

Jewish v. Jew-ish, or Is It True that Orthodox People Don’t Think Reform Jews are Jewish

This is the post I didn’t want to write.

I wanted to pretend it wasn’t a problem.  Wasn’t an issue.  Wasn’t the elephant in the room.

The first time I heard this accusation I was flummoxed.  What?  Of course Reform Jews are Jewish.  Where did that even come from??  Where do people even get these things from??  How do people believe these things about us?

But I think I understand things a little better now.  And that’s good news and bad news.  This blog has helped crystallize for me what exactly the issue is.  In Judaism, there’s a teaching:

I’ve learned much from all my teachers.  But from my students most of all.

That’s how I feel about all those who read and comment on this blog.  And here’s what I’ve learned (and please hang on to the end; this is like a geometry proof.  If you hate geometry, hang on anyway; it’s like a recipe):

1. Orthodox people define Judaism very technically.  Either you’re born to a Jewish mother, or you convert according to halacha (Jewish law).

2.  However, Reform Jews (I think) define Judaism more conditionally.  If you feel Jewish, act Jewish, raise the kids Jewish, were raised Jew-ish, you’re Jewish.

3. In some cases, the Orthodox view will be more inclusive (like when a born Jew celebrates Christmas, wears a cross, burns the Israeli flag, and eats pepperoni pizza, he’s still as Jewish as Moses, according to Orthodox philosophy).

4. In some cases, the Reform view will be more inclusive (like when someone is born to a Jewish father but not a Jewish mother, he is still Jewish if he behaves Jewishly, according to Reform philosophy).

5. Therefore, since Reform Jews tie identity with behavior, they think Orthodox Jews do, too.

6. Therefore, a Reform Jew who isn’t very observant might assume that the Orthodox don’t consider him Jewish, since he figures that if he were Orthodox, he wouldn’t consider himself Jewish.

7.  This is not true, since the Orthodox tie identity to technical status only (while acknowledging that observance is very important but simply not a condition for status).

8.  That’s the good news.

9.  The bad news is that since Orthodoxy asserts that only technical status determines Jewishness, conversion can become a sticking point.

10.  However, this is highly dependent on personal circumstances and each situation is taken case-by-case.

11.  Finally, I consider issues of personal status to be extremely private and unless there’s a practical reason that someone is asking me or needs to be told for halachic (Jewish law) reasons, I don’t intervene in this area.

12.  Of all the things I deal with in Jewish education, this is by far the most sensitive and potentially hurtful: who is and isn’t a Jew?

13.  I wish I never had to hurt anyone’s feelings and that my religious beliefs and standards never had to make anyone feel bad.

14. In the vast majority of cases, they don’t.

How are you used to thinking about identity – Jewish (technical) or Jew-ish (behavior-based)?

UPDATE: May 8, 2012 – Due to the unprecedented number of comments below, you must scroll to the bottom of the page and click “load more” to view the more recent comments.

Bag of all-purpose flour on counter.
Uncategorized April 23, 2012

Israel: a Failed Marriage?

Intro: I rarely follow Israeli politics.

Now before you write me off, hear this:  when my kids start reporting intricacies and details of their disagreements, he said/she said, then I did this, then he did that, and that’s why we whatever, an intense wave of fatigue washes over me.  My eyes begin to close, my limbs become heavy, and my speech becomes slurred.  I can’t even listen.

When I hear news from Israel that there was a terrorist attack or an army debacle, I feel awful.  My eyes well up with tears, my lips begin to move in prayerful entreaties, and my heart contracts in pain.

But.

When I read analyses that read like “he said/she said… then they did this and it was in retaliation for that, but that was only because whatever…” that’s when the fatigue hits.

Imagine that Israel and the Palestinians are a couple.  A couple with kids (the Land).  And they’re married (live jointly in the same place).  And they fight.  Ooh, bitterly.  Acrimoniously.  Fatally.  And the history is so long, so bad, and so tangled, that you can’t even unravel anymore who said what and who did what first, second, and third.  And then all the relatives get involved.

I am by conscious choice NOT discussing who’s at fault.  A marriage can be a failure, whether one member is abusive or it’s a mutually disastrously damaged entity.  Of course, I privately hold a very strong opinion on the matter, but that is not the subject of this post, and I’ll probably never write that post.  What’s the point?  Some will agree, and others will hate me.  Meh.

What I am saying is, if this were a couple, and they have a mutual child (by default if not by birthright), and they came to therapy in this state of dysfunction, would YOU counsel them to stay together?  Would YOU consider them peace partners?

This couple needs a divorce.  There is NO WAY to amicably (or in any other fashion) save this relationship. 

Great, Ruchi.  Now what?  Who’s moving out?  And who’s getting the kids?

I don’t know.  And I’m grateful I don’t need to decide.  But one thing is f’shore – these two will never get along, and the children are simply being damaged in the process.

Agree?  Disagree?  Flawed analogy?

Text about priorities and family importance.
Uncategorized April 17, 2012

Profanity Insanity

1996.  Shaarei Tzedek Hospital in Jerusalem.  I’m in for baby #2 when an Israeli midwife asks me in Hebrew:

“G’veret… lama hanashim hadatiyot ainam m’kallelot k’shehaim yoldot?” 

Which means: Lady, why don’t you religious girls curse when you’re giving birth?

Which is a question you’ll only hear in a delivery room in Israel!!

But it did get my wood burning.  People curse for a variety of reasons.  For shock value.  To express frustration or anger.  Out of habit.  But there are a wide variety of words that can shock and express frustration that are not considered profane.  When pushed, tired, overwhelmed, or mad, your brain will reach for the most satisfying bad word it can find and offer it up to your mouth.  Whatever comes out of your mouth will depend on what is stocked in your brain.

If you’re not reading it, saying it, listening to it, or thinking it, it’s not in your inventory, and your brain will come up with the most satisfying word that IS there (like “idiot,” “stupid”).

The other thing is: self-control is a huge part of being religious.  Think before you eat.  Think before you act.  And yes, think before you speak.  Is it nice?  Is it true?  Is it kosher?  So even the act that seems impulsive of having your brain spontaneously reach for a nice juicy word, is often going to be deferred by that process.

There are lots of reasons why profanity is bad for your soul, and bad for the souls of your listeners.  I don’t think anyone would argue that it advances one’s spirituality.  And many people that swear sometimes find that they slip or goof in uncomfortable situations, or in front of their kids (just taught junior a great new vocab word there).

What I don’t really understand is why people curse when they’re NOT pushed, not overwhelmed, not trying to insult someone in the worst way they know how.  Just in calm, casual conversation.  What is that about?  And, if you’ve gotten used to profanity, do you just get jaded?  Like, do you find yourself reaching for even more incendiary speech when you really need to make a point?  Then what?

Thoughts?