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ruchikoval

Covered bowl of rising dough on stove.
Uncategorized January 13, 2012

6 Ways to Re-Inspire

Some people look at Judaism as a marathon.  If you finish, you’re Orthodox.

However, God seems to have a rather interesting and multi-layered way of judging us.  And we’re not privy to much of it.  In any event, all Jews of all stripes ought to be asking themselves some tough questions each day.  Like, who am I?  Where am I going in this life?  Why?  Whom have I chose to surround myself with in this journey?  What am I doing Jewishly?  Why?

As an observant Jew, I’m hardly exempt from these questions.  Which
some find unfathomable.  I feel it’s just the opposite: if I’ve been
gifted with passionate Judaism, oughtn’t I constantly check in and see
what my relationship to that entity looks like??

A dear reader Facebook-messaged me the following:

So, I would be looking for suggestions on how to keep that fire for Judaism going. I find that I get it for a while and then I get busy
with all the day to day stuff of work, preparing for Shabbat, childcare, etc.
and then one day I realize I’m totally stagnating Jewishly. So then I
try to get fired up again. I would find helpful 1) tips for getting
fired up and 2) tips for staying fired up amidst the day-to-day grind.
Feel free to hit the delete button.

So it ebbs and flows, like any relationship.  This process is described in many Torah sources.  For the Kabbalistic, mystical-minded among you, one way of describing it is “days of love and days of hate.”  And the real question then becomes: what to do about it??

Here’s what I’ve learned:

1. Exercise.

Whoa – did you read that right??  Yup.  I find that when I’m on my game, I’m on my game across the board.  I’m getting enough sleep, eating well, working out, and paying attention to my soul.  Success breeds success.  Put a different way, when you take care of yourself, you want to take even better care of yourself.

2. Check in with another.

So here’s a newsflash: as smart, savvy, psychologically-aware, and emotionally astute as you may be, you are incapable of being objective about your own stuff.  That’s not an insult, it’s a statement of fact on the human condition, so you’re in good company.  Whoever thinks they can be is in further delusion than simple subjectivity.  So take a deep breath, grit your teeth and ask a wise person who loves you where you can reign it in. Are you being lazy?  Envious?  Materialistic?  Be willing to hear the answers.  Make sure they know you want the (loving version of the) truth.  And don’t respond for 60 seconds.

3. Listen to a lecture.

There are so many ways to hear a good, juicy, deep, thought-provoking class that will re-inspire you to want to be the best version of yourself.  There are Jewish sites that offer material on virtually any topic under the sun.  Some of my personal favorites are aish.com, simpletoremember.com, torah.org, chabad.org.  You can read it, download it onto your ipod (or have your kid do it), play it off your laptop, burn it onto a CD, digitally embed it into your cassette player (kidding).  You can have a Torah thought texted to you, telephone-conferenced with you, Facebooked to you, tweeted at you, or beamed at you daily from above (again, kidding).  It’s a brave new world.

And shockingly, you can learn something live too.  Check out the resources in your area.  Just make sure it’s commensurate with your skill, style and interest level.

4. Do an act of kindness.

Nothing makes you feel like a better person than, well, acting like a better person.  The ancient practice of “mussar” – character development with spirituality – teaches that growth can occur from the outside in.  In other words, behave as though you are spiritual and you will become more spiritual.  On a very practical level, you feel great when you give, and success breeds success (see #1).

5. Switch it up.

Stagnating in prayer?  Make a change in what, where, when you pray.  Add something new to your routine, or say less to focus better.  Shabbat: start inviting guests.  Or stop inviting guests.  Change around your menu.  Light candles in a new place in your home.  Holidays – try a new service, introduce a new family ritual, poll your friends for ideas.  Kosher: scout out some new foods that you’ve never tried before.  Do a food swap with other kosher friends for dinner.  Eliminate your go-to food for a week to appreciate it more.  Don’t let stagnation build.

6. Ask for help.

So this may be new for you, but I find prayer really works.  Ask for help from Above in whatever language feels right for you.

Here’s one for beginners:

“Um, hi.  I don’t know who You are and I don’t know what to call you, and actually I feel very strange talking to You because I feel like I’m talking to myself.  Oh… you probably already know that… OK, I’ll get to the point.  So I’m feeling disconnected… unmoored… uninspired… so maybe you can help me.  I don’t know how You can help me, but probably You know how.  Help me to become more integrated in myself, to be the person I know I can be, to be in touch with my spiritual side, and to feel good at the end of the day.  Help me make a difference in this world, be a good example, and do good deeds with all the amazing gifts and resources You’ve given me.  Kay.  That’s about it.  So… thanks.  Um, have a good day… and let’s chat again tomorrow.”

 Jewish tradition teaches that God will never say no to a prayer like that, because while not everything we pray for is in our best interests, becoming a more spiritual human being is always in our best interests.

So I turn to you now.  Have you experienced the dark days?  What ideas have worked for you?

The moments aren't gone quote image.
Uncategorized January 11, 2012

50,000 Pageview Maccabeats Giveaway!

Mazel tov to us!  OOTOB has reached 50,000 pageviews since its inception in July.

I have no idea if that is a cool milestone in the world of blogging, but it’s sure exciting to me!  So here’s what I’m gonna do to say thank you to all of you, my dear readers, for bringing us to this moment:  I’m giving away a Maccabeats CD!

Why?

I feel that the Maccabeats are totally in sync with my mission of Jewish unity.  When their CD came out last year, Jews from all over the place were suddenly overcome with Jewish pride.  It was such an amazing Jewish unifier, and I am proud to promote them.  They are proud Jews, talented Jews, and Jews that know how to unify Jews with a positive message.

So here’s what you need to do: leave me a comment telling me how OOTOB has made a difference to you.  Big or small, general or personal, an overriding feeling or a specific post.  And/or, leave a comment about the Maccabeats!  Do you love them?  Have they made a difference in your Jewish indentity, or in your kids’?  In 3 days I will randomly choose a winner!

Woohoo!

The moments aren't gone, vintage style text.
Uncategorized January 11, 2012

Meet Me in Chapter 3

My friend Lori Palatnik says you “meet people in chapter 3.”  Meaning you are clueless as to what people experienced before you met them, including upbringing, childhood, challenges, traumas, or triumphs.

If you would have walked into my house a couple of Friday nights ago at 9 pm, here’s what you would have seen:

Me, standing at the sink washing dishes. Husband, asleep on the couch. Daughters, reading on the couch. Toys, strewn across the floor.

Here’s what you may have concluded:

This woman does everything around here!  Why is her husband snoozing on the couch while she does the dishes?!  And what about those spoiled kids – why does she let them slack off??

Here’s what happened in chapter one and two:

Husband encouraged me to take a nap earlier that afternoon.  While I napped, he cleaned up the house, bathed the kids, and finished up in the kitchen.

Husband woke up at 4:45 am that morning while I woke up at 7:30 am.

Daughters helped all afternoon and evening with carpools, shopping, salad-making, serving dinner while I sat at the table, and clearing the table.

Can’t wait for chapter 4!

Have you made the mistake of meeting others in chapter 3, not realizing that you haven’t read chapters one and two?

Book cover: "Conversations with God" by Ruchi Koval.
Uncategorized January 9, 2012

Poll: more, less, or stay where I am?

They say in Judaism your observance should be somewhere between “comfortable” and “overwhelmed.”

Do you wish you could take on more observances?  Feel stretched, and wish you could scale back? Or do you feel you’re holding the tension at a good place?

Complacent? Stressing? Growing? Stagnating? Stretched?  What do you say?

Granite countertop with cooking spray can.
Uncategorized January 5, 2012

The Brother

Once upon a time there lived a nice Jewish family named the Millers.  They lived in a nice suburb with a nice home and respectable jobs, and raised their children with values.  They had three sons: Ben, Josh, and Zack.


The Millers were a very well-known and respected family.  Everyone knew “you could trust a Miller.”  The boys were always proud to be introduced as Millers.


Ben, Josh and Zack grew up and went their respective ways.  Their 20’s found Ben volunteering in Rwanda, Josh in NYC in a prestigious accounting firm, and Zack finishing up college.


One day Ben gets a text from his dad.  “Trouble with Josh.  Call soon.”


As soon as he can, Ben calls home, only to discover that Josh has been implicated in a financial scandal and will probably be going to jail.  His emotions range from anger, to denial, to embarrassment, to rage, to sympathy for his parents.  In Rwanda, he is questioned by his peers about the news they are hearing about Josh.


“Is it true??  A Miller?  What’s the deal, dude?”  Some seem to be gloating over the fall of the “prestigious” Miller legacy with its “sterling reputation.”  Others just want the dirt, to satisfy their curiosity.  All are sanctimonious, that “it would never happen to one of mine.”


So Ben texts Zack.

Ben: what is going ON???  Is this true??

Zack: yeah… true.

Ben: how did this happen

Zack: don’t know, can’t reach Josh

Ben: deadly embarrasing

Zack: miller name and all

Ben: are u getting a million questions

Zack: um… YEAH!!

Ben: what are you telling ppl

Zack: that he’s not my brother

Ben: WHAT

Zack: anyone who could ruin our family is not a brother

Ben: dude… you can’t divorce your brother

Zack: is he acting like a brother?? did he think of us when he threw our family name to the gutter

Ben: I hear ya but he’s still your bro

Zack: i didn’t choose this brother

Ben: did you ever notice you can only divorce those that you chose

Zack: what are YOU telling ppl

Ben: that yeah, he’s my brother

Zack: and…?

Ben: and he made a big mistake

Zack: and…

Ben: i still love him… a brother’s a brother

Zack: do you really still love him

Ben: believe it or not… yah

Zack: how

Ben: do you even know what love is

Zack: duh

Ben: love is when you identify someone by their good stuff

Zack: youre a poet

Ben: cmon… we all have good stuff and bad stuff

Zack: hmmm

Ben: ppl who hate you identify you by the bad… see the good as secondary.  Ppl who love you identify you by the good… see the bad as secondary

Zack: like mom and dad

Ben: like all moms and dads… you think Saddam Hussein’s mom hated him? she identified him by his good

Zack: um now what might that be

Ben: ask her!!

Zack: dude.  don’t u think it would be better for our fam to deny he’s a part of this fam???

Ben: not the point.  a bro is a bro.  we stick together… always.  got it??

Zack: ur not thinking of the whole fam

Ben: actually, i feel like i’m the ONLY one who is

Zack: i’ll think abt it

Ben: thx…gnite

Zack: gnite

Sparkler numbers with healing message and website.
Uncategorized January 3, 2012

Checkpoints for Your Speech

Every Friday night at Shabbat dinner, my family does something hard – and very cool.

We checkpoint our speech.

See, I’ve mentioned a few times on this blog that Jewish tradition has a lot to say about what we say – and what we shouldn’t say.  Some of the things we shouldn’t say are words of gossip, anger, false flattery, and sarcasm – even if the words are true.  Interesting how in American law “libel” or “slander” are prosecutable only if false. But in Judaism, they are condemned even if true.  Perhaps, especially if true – due to the damage caused to the subject.

So we’re supposed to watch our speech all the time (gulp).  But sometimes, when we want to curry extra favor with God, we do something extra special, and choose a finite period of time – say an hour or two each day or week – to be extra vigilant, in the merit of a loved one that needs healing or wishes to find that special someone or perhaps become a parent.  Or in the memory of a loved one that has passed.  It’s called a “machsom l’fi” [pronounced MACH (as in Bach, the composer) some (rhymes with “foam”) l’FEE] which literally translates to “checkpoint for the mouth.”

A year ago, two lovely young women were diagnosed with cancer – one is a little 2-year-old daughter of a good friend, and the other is a 41-year-old friend suffering from a recurrence.  We decided to do a machsom l’fi each Friday night at Shabbat dinner, for one hour.  I promoted it on Facebook and many of my friends decided to do so as well, each in our own homes.  I know some are still doing it – we sure are.

If conversation wanders into questionable waters, one of us will inevitably remind the others that we are “in the middle of a machsom!”  Or we’ll check our watches to see when we can share the juicy tidbit to make sure we are keeping the hour correctly.

After kiddush, I introduce the hour with a short Hebrew formula.  The translation is:

I hereby accept upon myself, without actually taking a vow, to be careful of words of gossip, slander, anger, and false flattery, whether by speaking, hearing, believing, or writing, from now and for one hour, in the merit that the following may experience a complete healing [here I insert their names in Hebrew and their mothers’ Hebrew names] among all the other sick members of Israel, amen.

It is so encouraging that though I am quite helpless in the face of illness, this is something I can do in the spiritual sphere – and at the same time elevate this special time with my family by raising our conversation and our awareness of respect for others to a higher level.

Have you ever joined a machsom l’fi?

The moments aren't gone text on parchment.
Uncategorized December 29, 2011

Religious Extremism and Me

I was supposed to be on break till 2012, but I’ve pulled myself out of retirement to deal with something that’s been, quite literally, keeping me up at night and distracting me from everything I’ve been trying to concentrate on today.

Religious extremism in Bet Shemesh.

Normally, I don’t discuss bad stuff that goes on among Jews, both for lashon hara (gossip) concerns and because it’s just not my way.  I’m an “a little bit of light dispels much of the darkness” kind of girl, and I try to go about my life attempting to shine bits of light upon my world, the world of my children, that of my friends and loved ones, my community in real life, and on this blog.  And hopefully, in the larger universe as well.

But when the Bet Shemesh insanity hit international news, I knew that I had to address this issue for a positive, constructive purpose.

Allow me to go on record saying that as a Torah-observant Jew, one that some might call ultra-Orthodox (dubbed chareidi, or haredi), I am disgusted, horrified, sickened, traumatized and embarrassed by the behaviors of the thugs in Israel who are not only acting completely contrary to Torah values, but disgracing its name publicly.

—

My little boy is four years old.  In preschool, he has a sweet little program called “Social Skills.”  He brought home a little pictorial overview of what he learned in Social Skills.

“Two rules, Mommy.”  Eyes huge.  “Nice face and nice voice.”

How wise we are, at four.

In discussing the issue with my 11-year-old son, he was aghast that anyone could actually believe such actions are Torah-true.  “Ma,” he declared, “they’re doing the opposite of you.  You’re trying to help people see that Torah is beautiful, and they’re making everyone hate it.”

True, that.

—-

A Facebook friend-of-a-friend made the following pithy observation:

But
here is the catch – let’s not worship the same god as they [the thugs] are. Don’t get
angry with them, have pity and compassion on them. And hope and pray
that these people who are also our brothers and sisters are able to come
back to sanity and balance and Truth before they do any more damage to
themselves or others or before The Universe has to knock them back in to
line by force.

Want to practically make a difference? All our
people have one soul. Go work on your own ego issues for one week.
Watch where you hurt others in your life with actions or words from this
unhealthy place. Change yourself, take responsibility for yourself
especially for blaming it on the ubiquitous “them,” as if we are clean
of these very challenges ourselves. And I have no doubt that in the
merit of this and this only, we can turn these people and all of the
Jews and all of the world back to good and G-d, speedily in our days.
Amen.

An ultra-Orthodox rabbi, Rabbi Yaakov Horowitz of Monsey, NY put out a public statement denouncing these awful behaviors, as did the Chassidic Belzer Rebbe and the Agudath Israel of America.  This is all good.

A family friend living in Israel emailed the following:

Twelve years ago when we lived here, I learned [studied Torah] with Reb Noach
Weinberg [of Aish Hatorah] in his office. He took me out on his mirpeset [balcony] where, looking
down at the Kotel Plaza, we saw two groups of protestors.  A Conservative
group demanding women’s rights at the Kotel.  The other, a Chasidishe [Chassidic] group
yelling and fighting.  Reb Noach, z”l [of blessed memory], turned to me and asked: What’s your take on
this?
I was giving a pilpul [Talmudic-style dialectic] on the pros and cons of each group’s actions. He
interrupted by saying… “Do you know what I DON’T see? I DON’T see a tear! Not a sigh.
Just fighting for the rights of zealotry.”

 —-

Around the corner from me lives a family that looks, on the outside, very similar to the thugs.  Fur hats, curly peyos (sidelocks), Chassidic garb.  This family takes my breath away with its love for all Jews.  All Jews, of all stripes, backgrounds, and degrees of socio-economic success, are literally welcomed into their home with a huge smile and a hug.

Yeah, a bear hug.

This past week I was driving carpool and my neighbor’s son had missed the bus.  I took him home, only to find that no one was in at his house.  He assured me that he was supposed to go to this Chassidic family down the block if his parents weren’t home, to be “babysitted.”

Upon corroborating this interesting tidbit, I dropped him off at the love-for-all-Jews abode and watched carefully as he entered the home as one would his own: without knocking and without preamble.  To say that this family puts my unconditional love for my fellow Jew, and my hospitality, to shame, is an embarrassing understatement.  This is a family of role models.  This is the ultra-Orthodoxy I am honored and proud to be associated with.  It would be seriously incorrect to say that “their home is open to everyone” – it simply belongs to everyone.

Can I say the same about myself?

—-

Where does all this leave me?  Insomniatic, distracted, disturbed.  I’ve written my letters to the New York Times and Israeli press.  I’ve sent a Facebook message to the mother of one of the victims, expressing my solidarity and disgust.  I’ve wondered about the perps: who are they really?  Who are their mothers, wives, sisters, and children?  Do they sleep well at night?  I’ve worked through my emotions, trying not to hate the haters.  I’ve searched my heart to examine if any traces of the personality defects of the thugs, such as ego and anger, need to be worked on in myself.

I am encouraged by those who recognize not to torch all Chareidim (ultra-Orthodox) by the fire of these thugs.  Their moderate responses are incredibly heartwarming.  I am warmed by my community here in Cleveland, where so many different types live near one another with respect.  I pray that this post be a step towards the solution.

And in my prayers this morning, I had extra passion during the prayer for peace.

Oseh shalom b’mromav, hu yaaseh shalom aleinu, v’al kol Yisrael, v’imru… Amen.
May He who creates peace in the heavenly spheres, create peace upon us, and upon all of Israel… may it, indeed, be so.