(A mini-post)
I discovered a tradition that non-Orthodox Jews are much more religious about than Orthodox Jews:
Yom Kippur break-fast.
NOJ’s: explain how this ritual works, who comes, who cooks? Is it like Rosh Hashanah dinner sort of thing? What is usually served? How do you decide when to start? I’m so curious.
Cuz we just sort of warm up what we find or scramble some eggs. No company. Too tired.
(PS: I never even heard the word pronounced quite that way till I met my non-Orthodox friends.)
I discovered a tradition that non-Orthodox Jews are much more religious about than Orthodox Jews:
Yom Kippur break-fast.
NOJ’s: explain how this ritual works, who comes, who cooks? Is it like Rosh Hashanah dinner sort of thing? What is usually served? How do you decide when to start? I’m so curious.
Cuz we just sort of warm up what we find or scramble some eggs. No company. Too tired.
(PS: I never even heard the word pronounced quite that way till I met my non-Orthodox friends.)
For years, my mom hands out recipes with her break-fast invites and each family that comes brings a dish. Over the phone last night, she told me 45 people were coming to their house. It's a dairy meal with bagels and cream cheese and all kinds of kugel and usually my mother's vegan chopped liver. My mother makes deserts all afternoon. When we were growing up, my sister and I helped after morning services. We set it up buffet style, so people can wander. Basically it was a like a cocktail party with food instead of cocktails and people you've known all your life instead of strangers.
The Reform friends (my parent's synagogue) would start arriving around five and help finish setting up. Then when the conservative services let out, they would come. We would never break the fast until everyone got there.
When I called last night, my mother was appalled that we didn't go anywhere for break-fast.
I'm so glad you asked! This is one of my favorite nights of the year! Let's see if I can explain:
Usually buffet style, though we stand as a group (once everyone has trickled in from various services) and bless the meal. Then the kids hand over their kippot (lest they get lost in someone else's basement) and scatter to play. It often takes a little (more) self-control to wait, at last night's breakfast we had a group of 10 families coming from 1 reform synagogue, 2 conservative congregations, one modern orthodox congregation and one reconstructionist minyan.
Who cooks? Most of us potluck, and drop off the food before the start of the chag. In that, it is no different than so many other "Second night of chag" meals. Though of course this is no longer yom tov, so the kids are happy to turn on the video games in that basement!
Did I answer all of your questions? It is a really warm, community way to end a day of introspection.
You did! Thanks!!
Last year I hosted a break-fast pasta buffet. I did most of the cooking the day before except for putting on a huge pot of boiling water for making pasta. Folks came, ate when they wanted/were ready. Kids ran amok. This year, I didn't plan – put a defrosted, random challah in the crockpot before we left for afternoon services and had pumpkin French toast when we got home. Missed the company/reflecting on the holidays – going to plan to host people again next year.
yes, I had dinner at home because of this. I missed it too!
Ruchi, I feel so much better now. Break the fast on eggs and toast. I felt like I was failing as a balabusta. But when we used to do bigger meals, we would both feel sicker after we ate than before!
When it comes to cooking I can usually make other people feel better! 🙂
My parents are Orthodox and we always had a huge break-fast at our house every year. Usually it was about seven families, so including all of the kids it was a biiiiiig group.
My mom always made lasagnas and blintz souffles before Yom Kippur and always had things like pastries and bagels and lox and cream cheese and nice cheeses etc. It was almost like brunch food. She would race home after neilah and put the hot food straight into the oven. It was usually fine by the time everyone started trickling in from shul.
As an adult, my family is not orthodox, and I really miss this tradition. I break my fast with my husband (only)…and we usually have, like, a sandwich. It seems, sad, somehow.
Hi alimartell! Welcome to the blog.
I find your experience so interesting, because it contradicts the typical. Here in Cleveland, for example, pretty much ALL my non-Orthodox friends just break their fasts in a non-descript way at home (similar to how they break the other 5 fasts of the year) and pretty much ALL my non-Orthodox friends do a formal "break-the-fast" with family or friends. I'm sorry you're missing this tradition… why don't you reinstate it?
I'll answer your question from my perhaps unique perspective. First, my quick background, grew up Reform, ordained as Reform Rabbi, served Reform Pulpits for 9 years, still identify as Reform, but I serve in a Conservative Synagogue (as Ed. Director) and often worship at a very modern Orthodox synagogue where my works and my kids go to school.
All that said, I agree with those who say its a nice communal ending to a day of introspection and self challenge. At the same time, the need to get there "on time" often interferes with the tasks of the day and my former congregation complained that ne'ilah "took too long" and many left to go to break fasts prior to the end – which was still usually about 1 hour before the "proper" time.
With young children, my wife and I simply came home and had bagels, egg salad and kugel for dinner after quickly putting the kids to bed.
This is a unique perspective. Your last paragraph pretty much reflects my life. And your middle paragraph pretty much sums up why. In our congregation, we actually planned for a neilah service (we're very new, and add new services as people want them) but realized that we couldn't do it – it conflicted with too many people's break-fast.
Thanks for chiming in and welcome to the blog.
This used to be such a fun big event. When I first got married, this was the holiday I took over since it always seemed such a problem figuring out which side of the family we were going to for each holiday. We eliminated the figuring out who we would go to by being the host. It was my favorite cooking time since I LOVE brunch food! One year I had about 60 family members inside and outside playing and eating. Always buffet style. Stuffed french toast, blintzes, quiches, bagels,sweet noodle kugels, lox. So yummy. It was potluck and dairy trays. But mostly I made it since I loved the types of foods and it was my chance to use recipes I didn't use too often. This became such an event that my non-jewish neighbors would still call me after I moved to see if I was having it! We started whenever we thought we were hungry. 5 or 6 pm. We were conservative with a lot of reform family. Only a couple people would stay thru neila but then stopped coming since there wasn't much food left for them! I used to save samples of everything but I bet they thought they were an after thought. (Another thing to make amends for!!)
I used to always think the dinner before Kol Nidre was a yom tov also. I gave up having a full house for a sit down dinner several years ago. Keep it simple now!
60 family members??? You are a saint. In a manner of speaking, of course.
Now as far as the dinner before Kol Nidrei – that's a whole nother question. I also find that non-Orthodox Jews make a bigger deal about it than the Orthodox. I mean, we have a nice sit-down meal, but never with company. It's small and serious.
Before I was married, people would invite me for the pre-fast meal, but I'm pretty sure I eventually started turning down the invitations because there simply wasn't time. You want to eat as late as possible, but then I would have to make a mad dash up a long, steep hill (I didn't have a car at the time) to get home in time to brush my teeth, gulp down a few more glasses of water, and light candles. Eating at home was much easier.
I had no idea this wasn't a "thing" in your circles. It IS big in ours. I hosted this year. It's basically a dairy meal. Kugel, blintz souflee, lox. Everything prepared before. Doesn't start until after nilah. . . but me hosting means that I miss most of nilah. I had about 25 people–all family and a few friends. Oh- but it's NOT a sit down meal. I have everything set up buffet style. "Nice" plastic plates and utensils from costco. People sort of plop down in living room and kitchen and elsewhere to eat. It's a walk around and nosh kind of thing.
Learn something new every day, huh? 😉
It seems that hosting it buffet style is part of the 10 commandments of break-fast, so you're right on track! Dairy, too.
Ruthie –
We've been doing it for years, either at other's house, or for the last 5 years or so, hosting ourselves. The practicalities: dairy – Hash-brown bake, French-toast casserole, quiches, bagels/cream cheese, salads. Cooked stuff baked before YK, popped into the Fridge, oven left on over YK. Right after shofar, wife rushes home, puts cooked stuff into oven to warm. Housekeeper shows up right after YK to help set up and to handle clean-up. Buffet service. By the time Arvit is over and everyone swings by, food is hot and out.
We just moved to a new town last year and didn't do this for the first time in years, and we all just hated sitting around the house looking at each other. So we had to do it this year. We are energized by entertaining. Reconnecting with friends after a day of wallowing in introspection and self-denial is nice.
Thanks for posting! Sounds delicious!
Non-orthodox people do this more, but I do know a very frum family who hosts such a gathering in their very frum community. They're wealthy BTs.
Do they host for family/friends? Or is it like a community thing?
Yes, family and friends.
I posted on my wall about this last night, so it is funny that you commented this morning. This was a big thing in the ortho community where I grew up, a small town with two ortho shuls and a very close-knit sense of community. The post Yom Kippur break-fast was the one opportunity for a family that lived beyond walking distance to host, so all of our family friends went there for break fast every year. Like others have said, it was generally a dairy buffet, with potluck components and the kids rushing off to play. Interestingly, someone who grew up at the other shul commented on my post that she has similar memories, of a particular house where that part of the community gathered every year.
The lack of such social events contributes to my sense of life in the big city as far lonelier than my childhood, and I am sad for my kids. They may have an abundance of kosher restaurants, but they have no true community. As my FB account attests, my childhood community will be with me forever, while my kids are anonymous and barely noticed in a large shul and school.
Miriam–you sent shivers up my spine with your comment. I'm so sad to hear about your big city experience and so grateful that we live in Cleveland.
This thread has inspired me to host a break-fast next year, for a few family friends. Maybe I can bring a new tradition to this big city. (Of course, I may feel significantly less inspired next fall, when the time comes to actually plan it.)
Please do, Miriam! I echo Wendy's sentiments. Although we don't do a big break-fast, there are so many other ways the "community component" comes into play here.
Our Reform Synagogue hosts a Break Fast in the fellowship hall after Nilah. Everyone drops off food in advance and after services heads downstairs for the (dairy) meal. I don't think either of the congregations in town require tickets for any High Holiday services, so all sorts of visitors and guests are there. It is always a fun, festive atmosphere after YK. Since the community is so small, almost everyone we would invite over for a meal is there anyway. Best of all–no mess in our homes and many people to clean up.
That's such a nice idea. When I was child we used to go the yeshiva where my dads and brothers and uncles were all educated. We stayed in the dorms and had all services there. It was amazing. We broke the fast in the dining room with everyone else.
So funny to learn this isn't done everywhere (chalk up another eye-opening moment to OOTOB)! Break fast has always been an important part of YK. Like others have said – a warm, communal, relaxed time after a long introspective day. Brunch food for us, too – bagels, lox, kugel, fruit – nothing that is hard – everything gets put out buffet style after neilah. Generally whomever is hosting leaves before neilah to get the house opened and set up since everyone is coming from different shuls. Yes, everyone is exhausted, but I can't imagine not doing it.
🙂 Thanks, Jennie!
I'm finding all the responses so fascinating too. Next up: must find out what everyone finds meaningful about services (or not).
It's a very big deal to us RJs . . . big family gathering, pot luck style, breakfasty/bruchy foods are one the menu, you eat until you are completely overstuffed. It starts around 6 pm. It's everyone's favorite!
My mother called it not "break-fast" but "Break-the-Fast", which is not easy to say when you are used to saying "brekfst" the way most of us do.
It was blintz souffle (like Nina!), bagels, lox, fruit, and very filling.
It was an Event, like a very casual Thanksgiving, with people invited and corresponding stress. This meant I didn't enjoy it. In the circle of people we had holidays with, hosting Break-the-Fast meant we sort of held up our share of holiday-hosting.
Are you an introvert, or was it the specific people? 🙂
Haha on the introvert idea. I didn't enjoy it because there was a lot of stress and attention to the preparation of the meal and cleaning the house. Also only as an adult did I realize that the fast is not the main point. The high-fuss break-the-fast reflected that an exaggerated focus on the eating or not-eating.
Wait.. can you explain this: the fast is not the main point. The high-fuss break-the-fast reflected that an exaggerated focus on the eating or not-eating.
Delete the "that" in the second sentence, for starters.
Something always felt wrong to me about the break-the-fast, I really disliked it. And what I disliked was the fuss, the stress about the food and the guests. Looking back I think everyone was just a little too proud of not eating for a day, and a little too concerned about putting on a good dinner.
Well, that's a very interesting observation because I've definitely noticed that those who fast more fasts (other than Yom Kippur) make less of a fuss about breaking the fast on Yom Kippur – generalizing here, for sure – but a pretty strong trend.
Our Break-the-fast was always around 6pm and my mom would serve "finger sandwiches" – basically pb & j or tuna salad sandwiches (crusts cut off and cut into quarters). She'd say it had to by light because a heavy meal after the fast wasn't good for our stomachs (which I definitely don't believe now and doubted then, after all during Ramandan, they have nightly large meals and fast during the day). The other members of my parent's Chavurah would come with their families. To my memory, it always seemed like the dainty-est of our holiday meals – everyone sitting all dressed up in their High Holy day finery on the chairs in the living room having very light conversation and eatting little sandwiches. I also don't remember this being a long affair as many of the other families would have leave to go home or our to eat a larger meal afterwards (though, that was always dinner than night for us).
Looks like you guys broke out the buffet/style brunch food mold! Sounds delicious!
what an eye-opener this column can be!
among chassidim (Lubavitchers included), the meal after the YK fast is quite similar to (and usually composed of the leftovers of) the pre-fast meal – chicken soup and kreplach and all.
It is however generally low-key and eaten at home without guests (barring out-of-towners).
chag sameach!
See, now isn't that interesting? When we used to go to Telshe Yeshiva campus (Lithuanian-style, non-Chassidic), the communal break-the-fast meal was meat/chicken based, on the grounds that the night after Yom Kippur was a special, celebratory time to be joyous that God gave us the opportunity to repent and teaching us to have confidence and joy that our prayers had been accepted.
Side question: What does 'Lithuanian' mean for American O Jews [whose parents are not immigrants from Lithuania]? Does it just mean 'non-Chassidic'? Were there no Chassids in Lithuania? Is 'Lithuanian' in this sense the designation for non-Chassidic, non-Modern-Orthodox (i.e. more traditional?? Charedi?) Orthodox Ashkenazi Jews?
Basically, yes.
Chassidic Judaism took root in Hungary, Poland, and Russia. In Germany, the Jews were "yekkies" – we've discussed that. In Spain, France, Portugal, the Jews were Sephardim (as well as North African Jewry such as Morocco, Yemen, etc.).
But Lithuania had its own thing going on, and it was there that staunchly non-Chassidic Judaism took root and the yeshiva-learning emphasis, along with the Mussar movement (character refinement as a path to spirituality) flourished.
(Side note: Lithuanian Judaism is the father of the South African Jewish community – a fact to which they attribute their strong connection to tradition.)
Telshe Yeshiva, which settled here in Cleveland after the war, was started in Lithuania, and is absolutely a product of its style. It is the institution that educated nearly all of my male relatives.
Ironically, many Chassidic boys ended up schooled in Telshe since it was the only yeshiva outside of NY for many years, so the Chassidic legacy and the Lithuanian legacy became intermixed and the lines blurred. That's what happened to my father, of blessed memory. His family was originally Chassidic before the war, and after the war he went to Telshe where much of the that Chassidism became enmeshed with the Lithuanian way – now our family is not Chassidic at all.
How's that for a long answer to a short (but loaded) question?
Great answer, thanks. Why have I never found such a clear explanation anywhere? One more: So is "Yeshivish" a synonym for "Lithuanian" in the O Jewish context? And is that identical with "Litvak" (in that same O Jewish context)?
Yes, "Yeshivish" is a synonym for "Lithuanian-style yeshiva-ish" although today it means a host of things, as I'm sure you know (see my post on black hattitude for more about that):
http://outoftheorthobox.blogspot.com/2011/08/black-hattitude.html
In theory, it is a synonym for Litvak, although "Litvak" also connotes being more cerebral and less emotional (the "emotional" was associated more with Chassidism). For example, note the Yiddish phrase "a kalte Litvak" which means "a cold Lithuanian" – the stereotype here is all brain, no passion, very on time and strong fidelity to the rules.
Bear in mind that these geographical divisions are generalizations. For one thing, borders changed so often that in some places you could live in several different countries over the years without even walking out your door. For another, some countries had both chassidic and non-chassidic communities (sometimes even in the same town, which often led to major strife).
DG, very helpful!
So if I can follow this line: You [Ruchi] seems to identify as Yeshivish. But a lot of the blog's posts are quite passionate, it seems to me. Yes a lot about the rules and different reasons why you keep them, but also a lot about a passionate and emotional experience of God and Judaism. All that swaying, and joyfulness, and sadness at disgraceful activity. Is that a reflection of your father's Chassidism or is it a pecularity of your own among your fellow Yeshivish types?
Well, that's a very insightful question, and the answer is multi-layered.
Firstly, the "kalte Litvak" stereotype is just that: a stereotype, and thus has many exceptions.
Second, as I mention, many streams of Judaism have become enmeshed today, so while in some ways I might be identified as "yeshivish" I have many other aspects to me as well, due to a variety of influences in my life.
And thirdly, I live in Cleveland (as opposed to a larger, east-coast city) which means there is a variety of Jews in my neighborhood and schools, because we don't have a large enough population for each strain to have its own school/shul. This is a good thing. That means in our schools/shuls we have a mix of observances, Sephardi, Chabad, Chassidic, yeshivish, Israeli, etc.
Finally, I would say yes. I think my Chassidic roots have influenced my soul to some degree. In fact, I have one ancestor, eight generations back, a famed Chassidic rabbi (Reb Levi Yitzchok mi-Berditchev) who was known as the great protagonist of the Jewish people. I fancy myself as trying to, in my very small way, continue his legacy. He cared passionately about Jews misunderstanding each other, about love for all Jews, and about trying to defend the wayward Jews to God and bridge that relationship too.
I think the first point (re the stereotype) is crucial. It's not only that it has many exceptions, but it was probably never accurate in the first place. As I understand the history, chassidism was in part a reaction to an excessive focus on scholarship, not emotional coldness. The chassidim focused on love of God and joy in the service of God. That meant that someone who was not a great scholar didn't feel inferior (although some of the early chassidic leaders, such as Rabbi Shneur Zalman of Lyady [the first Lubavitcher Rebbe], were great scholars).
I assume the non-chassidic scholars were also passionate about the Torah and loved God intensely. I think the stereotype arose because one group kept talking about the emotional aspect, while the other group talked about the intellectual aspect. If you're intellectual, then you probably feel a strong emotional pull to scholarly pursuits. If you love God, then as an intellectual you will want to envelop yourself in studying the Torah that He gave us. That isn't coldness, but outsiders might perceive it as such.
The trouble comes about when each side reacts to the other by pulling too far in the opposite direction. Now that a long time has passed, both sides have moved back toward the middle somewhat. Although there are still differences between the two, they aren't nearly as pronounced.
Ruchi, do you agree?
I absolutely agree with everything you wrote.
Do Chassidim traditionally not go to Yeshiva and not study Torah intensively?
DG, this makes great sense in both historical and 'emotional' terms, thanks.
They do, today, both of those things, but they typically leave full-time Torah study to seek employment at a younger age than their "yeshivish" counterparts.
Ruchi – a great answer! one side-point: Rabbi Shneur Zalman, the first Lubavitcher Rebbe, was referred to as "the Litvak" by his contemporaries because of his country of origin and he indeed adopted a more cerebral approach in his chassidus.
That is so interesting. I didn't know that.
I belong to a tiny non-Denominational havurah with a Conservative rabbi that hosts free High Holiday services in a rented facility. This year, we hosted a free onsite break-the-fast stand-up dairy buffet that started a few minutes after Neilah. We all chipped in and had tables groaning with bagels, lox, cream cheese, veggies, hummous, and brownies. Rather than everyone scattering into the night right after services, we were drawn together in conversation and community for a little while longer. It was wonderful!
-Kattysmith
At our (Reform) shul, break-fast is a community event in our social hall immediately following Neilah, very similar to anonymous just above. It's a cold dairy menu: bagels and lox, herring, cheeses, fruit, cookies, and it's a stand-up buffet. After morning services, there's a study session and then usually a guest speaker before afternoon services begin; I think the break-fast is set up while this is going on, except for whatever needs to be pulled out of the fridges at the last minute like herring and cream cheese. After a nibble and some conversation, my family usually goes out for Chinese…