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Controversial Observations, Uncategorized June 12, 2014

Eli Talks #2: The Unbearable Lightness of Judaism

Alright, ladies and gents.  Welcome to our second installment of Eli Talks!

Here is Micah Lapidus, discussing a topic that is dear to my heart, but I like how he puts it: the incredible lightness of Judaism.  He raises the issue of Judaism being viewed as a burden for some – whether identity or observance – and what to do about it.


Eli Talks director Miriam Brosseau says:

We all want to live lives of meaning, of purpose. How do we get that? How do we make meaning? 
When I think about the things in my life that are most meaningful, those things that give me a sense of purpose, they’re all the really hard stuff. Family is one of those things. My husband and I have a 1 year-old who is the greatest thing on the planet, and all of the tough stuff with him is also the very best stuff. I can’t count how many hours I’ve spent humming and singing and shushing my little boy to sleep at all hours of the night. And now he’s teething and his nap schedule is off and he wakes up…oy. It’s exhausting! But then, in the middle of all this, I suddenly have that moment where he’s curled himself around me, totally trusting, his sleepy weight sinking into me…and I get it. I love it. I wouldn’t exchange those moments for anything.
The weight of a (not) sleeping baby, or family in general, or work, or community, can feel like a burden we want lightened. Judaism can feel like that. But what do we lose when we lighten the load? What does that mean for Judaism and Jewish life? Can we make still make meaning if we don’t feel that heaviness? And if we can’t, what does that, well, mean? Micah Lapidus may not answer all these questions in this talk, but he asks them in such an eloquent, genuine manner that I can’t help but think about it.

OOTOB’s Ruchi Koval says:


I sometimes feel like the object of pity.  I “have to” wear long sleeves in the summer, cover my hair, and be restricted in what I eat.  And in all honesty… those things sometimes feel burdensome to me too. But if I didn’t feel like Judaism offered me so, so much, it would feel like a heavy burden all the time. So how does Judaism feel not only light, but that IT’S carrying ME?

Judaism to me is an answer.  It gives meaning to my days, clarity to my questions, and depth to my emotions.  It’s a destination for my prayers, eternity to my feelings of smallness, and an infinite legacy for my fleeting moments of joy and sadness.

Forget about carrying a burden; how could I survive without it??

Imagine a man hiking in the desert with a backpack of food.  Is the pack heavy?  Yes, and the heavier it is – the more that’s in it – the more he will be nourished.

Now the question is, how to transmit this to the next generation?  Not a complete answer in any way, but the only way to even have a chance at successfully transmitting anything to the next generation is to be totally sure of it ourselves.  Which begs the next question… how can we teach ourselves that Judaism is not only light, but lightens our load in life?


What do you think?

Uncategorized June 9, 2014

Why Am I Invited to this Wedding?

Q.
Hey Ruchi,
I’ve noticed in the religious community that I’m getting invited to weddings and bar mitzvahs that are out of town and that I would SO OBVIOUSLY not attend because we are not that close to the people, etc. So and so’s daughter is getting married in NY. So and so’s son who used to live here is having a bar mitzvah in Chicago, etc. Do I then I have to send a check or a donation? I sort of feel like… just because one person has the (in my opinion) chutzpah (too strong, I know, but not sure right word) to invite me when it would be pretty extraordinarily to leave town for an acquaintance’s relative’s event, why do I then have to be in the position to send a gift. It happens a handful of times a year. If it were an event in town, it wouldn’t bug me as much. Though even that can feel a little unnecessary based on the VERY CASUAL level of friendship I”m talking about. Friendship is not even the right word… just people I know.
I did not edit this so sorry for typos and general nasty tone. I just opened another invite so was feeling it in the moment.
A.
I have definitely noticed this difference between the religious and secular communities.  Orthodox folks, for some reason (like their guest lists aren’t big enough as it is) invite everyone and their mother to their simchas. It’s just a way of being inclusive.  Gifts are not expected when people don’t attend, unless you’re close – even then it’s in poor taste to “expect” a gift, but you know what I mean.  They’d probably be shocked if you sent one and would then say, “Oh my gosh!  Can you believe they sent a gift!  That was so unexpected and sweet of them.”
But I do always send back the reply card and say thanks so much for including me, and I’m so sorry we cannot participate in person, and end with a blessing (which they’ll appreciate just as a gift) like “May you build a beautiful Jewish home of which everyone can be proud!”
Or to a bar mitzvah boy or bat mitzvah girl, “May you grow up to be a wonderful member of your family and community, and bring much nachas to all!”
Hope that helps,
Ruchi
Uncategorized June 6, 2014

Summer Series: Eli Talks – “Social Intelligence”

Hey OOTOB readers,

This June, you’re in for a treat.  OOTOB is partnering with Eli Talks to bring you four interesting conversation-starters of Jewish interest.  These four posts are sponsored by Eli Talks, and we are sure the OOTOB community will find its content interesting and worth pursuing further in your own conversations locally.

About ELI Talks

Judaism is a conversation. It is a religion that does not stand on faith alone, but pushes its 
adherents to wrestle with new ideas and never back down from a good argument. 

The digital age breathes new life into this grand Jewish conversation. Now we can capture, 
share, remix, and reimagine inspired Jewish ideas from across the spectrum. We can access 
them anytime, anywhere, and add our voices.

This is what ELI Talks is all about.

ELI talks are “inspired Jewish ideas” addressing issues of Jewish religious engagement (E), 
literacy (L), and identity (I) in highly produced, 12-minute presentations. ELI Talks are given 
by some of the Jewish world’s most thoughtful, inspiring, and unexpected personalities. While 
initially inspired by TED Talks, the mission of ELI is to go beyond the TED-style sharing of great 
ideas to real engagement, sparking and hosting deep conversations around the implications of 
those ideas for the community. 

Talks can be used in a variety of settings: as conversation pieces at conferences, in staff 
learning and at board meetings, as resources in adult education, and to spark discussions with 
your friends by sharing on Facebook or Twitter. If you’re interesting in developing materials 
around a Talk or series of Talks, please contact Program Director Miriam Brosseau who will be 
happy to help.

Website: http://elitalks.org/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ELItalks

Twitter: https://twitter.com/ELI_talks

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/ELItalksVideo

What Does OOTOB Have To Do With It


Eli Talks are offered by a variety of Jews – different educators and lay people.  I do not personally endorse the content, and will offer my responses where we differ, and my comments where I agree.  I’m really looking forward to this partnership.  We will share four posts on four Thursdays in June in addition to OOTOB’s usual content at the beginning of each week.  Hope you like it!

And now, for the very first talk:  Social Intelligence by Dr. Rona Novick



Eli Talk’s Program Director, Miriam Brosseau, says:


I come from a family of teachers, so we talk a lot of about the value and purpose of education. It’s a huge question, and not an easy one to answer. We have to ask ourselves: what, really, is the goal of education, Jewish or otherwise? What do children need to know, what skills do they need to have? Ultimately, what kind of people are we trying to shape? 
Social intelligence – it’s so important, yet so easy to overlook; it’s such a primal, but nuanced skill that carries us throughout our entire lives. I love Dr. Novick’s talk not only because she so eloquently argues for the value of social intelligence, but because when we re-frame the goal, when we change our intentions, we have to rethink everything. And that’s scary, and it’s hard. But it’s worth it. 
OOTOB’s Ruchi Koval says:

Very often when Orthodox kids do things that are socially or ethically wrong, people say, “Is that what the schools are teaching??”  This really, really (really) bothers me.  Schools can and do run all sorts of programs on anti-gossip, anti-bullying, kindness begins at home, blah blah blah, and these are all good and important programs.  Yet.  If the same message isn’t being loudly promulgated at home, fuggeddabbouddit.  Home.  Parents.  These are the primary, and must be the primary, place of moral and ethical teaching.  Day schools are to be considered a supplementary source of social intelligence. Not to take the heat off the schools – but to rather place it, squarely, as Dr. Novick suggests, on the parents.
What do you think?

Uncategorized June 2, 2014

Amelia Bedelia and the Oral Tradition: Guest Blogger Rabbi Zee

Rabbi Zee (aka Zauderer) is a fast-talking New Yorker.  Except he lives in Toronto and has some really interesting things to say – if you can follow the pace.  He joined us in Cleveland for a Shabbaton weekend last year and I’ve been getting his weekly emails ever since.  He and his wife Ahuva and their eight children live in the Bathurst/Lawrence area, where their home is always open to anyone who wants to experience a Shabbos or a Torah class. Rabbi Zee (as he is known to his students) brings to his classes a special combination of Torah knowledge, teaching experience, and interpersonal skills.  In honor of the forthcoming holiday commemorating the giving of the Torah, Shavuot, here’s a classic piece of his on the Oral Tradition (the mishna/Talmud).  Rabbi Zee will be available to field comments and questions here.  Email him to be added to his weekly list – it’s great stuff.



“Now let’s see what this list says,” Amelia Bedelia read. “CHANGE THE TOWELS IN THE GREEN BATHROOM.”  Amelia Bedelia found the green bathroom.

“Those towels are very nice. Why change them?” she thought.

Then Amelia Bedelia remembered what Mrs. Rogers had said. She must do just what the list had told her.

“Well, all right,” said Amelia Bedelia. 

She snipped a little here and a little there.  And she changed those towels.

“Now what?  PUT THE LIGHTS OUT WHEN YOU FINISH IN THE LIVING ROOM.”   Amelia Bedelia thought about this a minute.

She switched off the lights. Then she carefully unscrewed each bulb. And Amelia Bedelia put the lights out.

“So those things need to be aired out, too. Just like pillows and babies.  Oh, I do have a lot to learn.”      
*********************************************
It is a foundation of our faith to believe that G-d gave Moses and the Jewish people an oral explanation of the Torah along with the written text. This oral tradition is now essentially preserved in the Talmud and Midrash.                
However, there are many Jews today who are skeptical when it comes to accepting a so-called “oral tradition,” claiming that the Talmud and all the interpretations of the literal text of the Torah were the product of later Rabbinic scholars who might have had hidden agendas and fanciful imaginations.                

Some of us might be willing to accept the notion of G-d revealing Himself to the Jewish people and giving us His Torah – the Written Torah, that is – but anything other than the Five Books of Moses is circumspect.                
If we study Jewish history, we will find that this is an old claim that was made well over 2000 years ago by a breakaway sect of Jews known as the Saduccees. While they accepted the authority of the Written Torah, they rejected the oral traditions and interpretations of the Sages, and they preached a literal reading of the text of the Torah…. which led to some interesting and strange practices. I guess one could say that the Saduccees were the “Amelia Bedelias” of the ancient world.                 
I will give you some examples of what can happen when we take every word of the Written Torah literally, without relying on a much-needed Oral Tradition.                
G-d commands the Jewish people in Numbers (15:38): “They shall make for themselves tzitzis (fringes) on the corners of their garments ….. It shall constitute tzitzis for you, that you may see it …..”  The Torah never writes explicitly that we should wear the fringed garment. If anything, the Torah says that we should see the tzitzis, implying that we should hang the fringed garment (today called the prayer shawl) on our wall in a noticeable place.
     
And that’s exactly what the Saduccees did! They hung their tzitzis on the wall, but would never wear them.                
How about the Sabbath? It is one of the Ten Commandments. Yet in the entire Written Torah, virtually no details are given as to how it should be kept! So how are we to know what to do? Should we keep the Sabbath by lighting candles… or maybe a trip to the park with the kids was what G-d had in mind? Or maybe it should be left up to each individual to celebrate the Sabbath in his/her own way?                
The details can be found in the Oral Torah, of course. As G-d said, “You shall keep the Sabbath holy, as I have commanded your fathers” (Jeremiah 17:22) – obviously referring to an oral tradition. But I bet that Amelia Bedelia and her predecessors the Saduccees sure would have been confused!      
ON THE MORROW OF WHICH DAY?
Let me give you one more example, which has relevance to the upcoming holiday of Shavuos (The Festival of Weeks).
In the Written Torah, G-d commands the Jewish people to celebrate the holiday of Shavuos. But He doesn’t tell them directly which day they should celebrate.  Rather, the Torah states in Leviticus (23:15) “You shall count for yourselves – from the morrow of the rest day seven weeks…”  The Torah writes further that at the end of those seven weeks of counting you shall celebrate the Festival of Weeks.
Now, if we are to believe that only the Written Torah was Divinely given, but not the Oral Tradition, then we are forced to conclude that G-d was playing some kind of cruel joke on His Chosen People!
I mean, come on, can’t you help us out here a little, G-d? On the morrow of the “rest day” we should count seven weeks and then celebrate Shavuos? Which one of the 52 “rest days” of the year are you referring to, G-d? Are we going to play Twenty Questions here, or what?                    
As a matter of fact, the Saduccees, for lack of a better option, decided to count the seven weeks from the day after the first Saturday after Passover, which means that Shavuos would always come out on a Sunday!                  
Of course, the Oral Torah helps us out here as always, and tells us exactly what G-d had in mind with that very vague and ambiguous reference.                
Now, when Amelia Bedelia makes such mistakes and follows everything Mrs. Rogers tells her to do – literally – it makes for an interesting and comical children’s book, at which we can’t help but chuckle. But it’s not so funny when the stakes are higher – when the very foundation of our faith and of our lives – our beloved Torah – is taken so literally as to become vague and confusing, and, G-d forbid, almost comical.

THE OBVIOUS QUESTION                

Okay, so let’s assume that G-d gave us two Torahs – a Written Torah and an Oral Tradition along with it to clarify things – but we still have to ask ourselves why would G-d do such a thing? Why couldn’t He just write everything clearly in the Written Torah?  This way He could have avoided all the problems and divisions among our people, whereby some of us accept both Torahs, and some reject the Oral Torah, because it seems to have originated with a bunch of Rabbis, instead of being Divinely given and inspired!               
I once posed this question to a man from West Orange, New Jersey, with whom I had been studying on a weekly basis. His ten-year-old son had joined us that evening, and the young boy came up with an answer that is, in my opinion, quite profound, and also has a connection to the very first words in this week’s Torah portion.               
In Leviticus (26:3), the Torah states: “If you will follow My decrees and observe My commandments and perform them; then I will provide your rains in their time.”
The verse seems to be repetitious. What is the difference between “following my decrees” and “observing my commandments”? Rashi, the great Bible commentator, explains, based on the Oral Tradition, that “following My decrees” – which is read in Hebrew bechukosai tay-laychu – means that we should toil in Torah study, whereas the next words in the verse refer to the performance of the actual commandments.
It is difficult to understand where the Oral Tradition got the idea of “toiling in Torah” from the Torah’s words bechukosai tay-laychu, which simply mean “to follow My decrees.”
            
Rabbi Shneur Zalman of Liadi, the first Lubavitcher Rebbe, once explained this strange oral tradition as follows:               
There are two methods of writing – one with ink and paper and the other by engraving on stone. The difference between the two is that when one writes with ink, the words do not become one with the paper, making it possible for the message on the paper to be erased over time. When a message is engraved into stone, however, the words and the stone are one unit, so that the message remains in the stone permanently.
                
The Hebrew word bechukosai, or decrees, comes from the root word chakikah, which means engraving. G-d is teaching us that if we want the words and the message of the Torah to leave an indelible and permanent impression upon us, we must study them intensely and toil in them, so that we become one with the Torah that we study and it becomes engraved on our hearts.
               
And that’s exactly what the little boy answered to my question. He said that if the entire Torah had been written out for us, without our having to put any effort in trying to explain it and get to the deeper meaning behind the literal text, it wouldn’t become a part of us and would leave no permanent impact.
This is one of many reasons why the Oral Tradition is so very important and central in Judaism.
Interviews, Uncategorized May 26, 2014

Interview with My Housekeeper, Karla

Most Orthodox families that I know have at least some cleaning help – often on Friday, to help prepare the house for Shabbat.  I’ve always wondered what these women – and sometimes men – think of us, and what opinions they form living among us and experiencing our lives along with us in real time.

Controversial Observations, Uncategorized May 12, 2014

Blog Roundup: Tanta Golda, the son of a Nazi, Social Orthodoxy, and more

Hey OOTOB fans,

This is the first in a series that I’ll feature occasionally, where I bring you different things I’ve discovered around the web that I’ve found interesting lately.  Call it “trending,” or whatever you want – I’ve found it interesting and I’ve decided to bring it to you.  Feel free to send me things that piqued your curiosity or sparked conversation for possible inclusion here in future posts.

ASK TANTA GOLDA

Firstly, I discovered a whole new blog that, honestly, I’m surprised I’ve never encountered before.  It’s called “Ask Tanta Golda” and the concept is somewhat similar to OOTOB.  The blogger, Geri Copitch, adopts the Tanta persona, which I find cute, although I certainly do not agree with all her responses.  It’s unclear to me what her affiliation is, and it seems she prefers it that way.  Check it out and share your impressions.

VIDEO: SON OF A NAZI

This video was sent to me by my friend’s mom and it sat in my inbox for like a month (I have precious little time for videos – I read faster than I can watch – plus it was a whopping 24 minutes long) before I watched it.  But, man, was I glad I did.  It was an immediate share on Facebook, and got a strongly positive reaction there including several shares.  You can’t find it by searching YouTube because it’s privacy-protected.  I won’t give it away – it’s a first-person account of the son of a Nazi and how he chooses to deal with his painful family history.  Seriously, pull up a chair and give this 24 minutes of eyeball time. You will not regret it.

SOCIAL ORTHODOXY

This piece has been getting a lot of attention in the Orthodox world.  A few friends sent it my way and I found it both troubling and insightful.  Here’s a response from Rabbi Maryles, a Modern Orthodox scholar, and here’s one from Rabbi Shafran, a “haredi” scholar.

MOTHER’S DAY AND RWANDA

To close, I have a Mother’s Day question for you.  One of my friends posted this on Facebook:

“Today I’d like to wish everyone a Happy Mothering Day. You do not have to have your own children to make a difference in a child’s life. You also don’t have to be female. Thank you for being in our children’s lives and loving on them – you are our village!”  

I love this friend, but this status doesn’t sit well with me at all.  Mother’s Day is actually for… mothers.  Why dilute this by universalizing it to include anyone that has anything to do with kids?  It reminds me of several years ago, when the Holocaust Museum featured a refugee from Rwanda to speak at their annual benefit.  While her story was incredibly stirring, I was in shock that the Holocaust message was being universalized, essentially losing an opportunity to hear from a Holocaust survivor.  Now, maybe I’m getting a little too worked up over Mother’s Day, which is probably just a Hallmark holiday, but I think that’s why it bothers me so much.  It’s the underlying trend to universalize everything Jewish to include everyone and anyone, thus reducing anything specific we’ve experienced to nothing more than a humanitarian mish-mash.  

Thoughts?