Uncategorized Archives - Page 33 of 59

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Uncategorized March 6, 2013

Does it Come From Her Religion?

Last week, my teenage son found himself in Rockland County, NY, with a flight from La Guardia in a few hours and no ride.

To be fair, he had a perfectly legitimate ride that decided to leave early and unexpectedly, leaving him stranded. He was staying at my brother-in-law and sister-in-law’s home, and he called me to brainstorm about how to get to the airport. Well, I’m a fan of independence in kids, so I told my son that he could take a bus to Port Authority and from there take another bus to the airport. We realized that time was tight and I agreed that he should instead take a cab from Port Authority to the airport. My son wasn’t thrilled about these plans, but he agreed nevertheless.

Ten minutes later I get a phone call from my brother-in-law.

“Ruchi, Sara is going to drive him to the airport.”

“What??” I said. “That’s crazy. It’s an hour without traffic! And all the kids are home! And there’s no need for it! Really, he’s fine!” (Why does anyone bother with how long a NY drive will take without traffic? How is that information even relevant?)

“Oh, no, she says it’s perfect, because since the kids are off and they have nothing to do, this will be a great activity! A project! A trip!”

This, then is my sister-in-law. When she does you a favor (a huge one), she makes you feel as if you are doing her a favor by acquiescing. She’s truly something.

Now I ask you a question. My sister-in-law is a really, really good person. But I believe that her religiosity, her belief in chessed (kindness), that God put an opportunity in her path for good, that she will never lose out by doing a good deed, makes it much easier and more satisfying to act altruistically.

What do you think?

Uncategorized February 28, 2013

I Will Never Be Orthodox. Can I Still Be Part of the Community?

Dear Ruchi,

My
family currently lives 7 miles from the Chabad shul that we attend, so we drive to/from
Shabbos services (though we do park at the church across the street).
Our son doesn’t wear a yarmulke on a daily basis. We have a television
in our home and our kids watch appropriate shows on a limited basis. Our
home is not kosher (yet!). The point is, clearly, we are not Orthodox
and I’m not sure that we ever will be. We are not prepared to sell our
home and move closer to the shul so that we can walk to Shabbos
services. Also, because there are so many rules/laws/customs, I am
overwhelmed and don’t know where or how to begin.

All
of that said, can we ever really become a part of the Orthodox
community? Everyone has been very nice, but there’s a big difference
between being nice and being inclusive. Will it ever be OK for me to
invite an Orthodox child to our home for a playdate (with reassurance
that I will serve food on paper plates and will not mix milk/meat…I’m
sure there are other things that I would need to do, but I have no idea
what that might be!)?

Will
I be able to actually become friends with some of these women or is it
frowned upon to have non-Orthodox friends because of the difference in
lifestyle? I met a very nice woman at the weekly Kabbalah café and would
like to see if she’d like to meet for coffee, but I’m not sure if
that’s acceptable because I doubt that Starbucks is kosher?? I don’t
want to put her in the awkward position of having to say “no,” so I just
haven’t asked.

I
guess what I’m really asking is are we ever going to be “Jewish
enough”? And how do I even begin to learn all of the customs that I
would need to learn in order to fit in better? I have asked if there is a
class for people wanting to become BT, but it isn’t offered here. My
husband manages better than I do because of his upbringing,
but it’s hard to say to him “tell me everything I need to know” because
there are a million minutiae (i.e. 39 categories of work prohibited on Shabbat, 613 mitzvot).
For example, he was given the honor of an aliyah last week and had to
say that he couldn’t because he’s a Levite and the Levites had already
had an aliyah (so he held/carried the Torah instead). The point is, I’d
never even heard anything remotely like that before and would have been
honored to accept, which would have been wrong (I realize that as a
woman, this wouldn’t happen, but it’s an example of how little I know).
How can I raise observant Jewish children when I know so little? I feel
like I need a brain transplant or something. 🙂

I know no one in the Orthodox
community and have so many questions and concerns. I want to “get it
right” for our children because this is important to me. If we can never
be accepted, then does it make sense to join this congregation? I would
welcome your honest thoughts and feedback.

Lauren

Dear Lauren,

You’ve touched on many different points here in your email, so I will just address them in the order you’ve asked.

1. It’s unclear to me whether you are interested in becoming more observant/Orthodox, but are deterred because of social/logistical obstacles, or you just don’t see yourself ever following all those restrictions. Do you believe in the heart of Orthodox philosophy? Do you wish you could be more observant, but lament the obstacles, or do you feel a sense of relief that you’re not?

2. I’m also a bit confused because you say on the one hand that you’ve met a few people that you’d like to further your social relationships with, and that you do attend the Chabad shul on occasion, but later state that you don’t know anyone in the Orthodox community. Do you mean you know them casually but not well enough to ask these “loaded” questions to? Are you friends with these acquaintances on any level?

3. Would it be OK for you to invite over an Orthodox child with attendant reassurances? The answer is yes! What a nice invitation! But truthfully, not everyone will feel comfortable with that – not because they’d suspect you of being duplicitous, G-d forbid, but because if you don’t know the laws really well, it’s pretty easy to make a mistake. Some families will be OK with it and you’ll have to learn to not take personally the discomfort of those that aren’t.

4. Ditto with your friendships. Most people in Chabad communities (I’m not sure if the community is a Chabad one) are very inclusive and are comfortable being friends with various types of Jews. Other, more insular communities, might be less so. Here in Cleveland, for example, it would be my Orthodox friends’ pleasure to go out for coffee (Starbucks is always safe – even though there is a controversy involving the Starbuckses that serve non-kosher sandwiches, you can always get a juice or something) with a non-Orthodox friend they met at the gym or something, and especially at a Jewish class or venue. When I look around at my community, I think the answer to your question about your personal friendships would be a resounding yes.

5. Are you ever going to be Jewish enough? That’s between you, your husband and G-d – and no one else. No matter where you are on the spectrum, there will always be some that don’t consider you Jewish enough and some that consider you a fanatic. Learn to ignore judgmental people on both sides.

6. How can you begin to learn? If there’s a Chabad shul, I would imagine classes couldn’t possibly be far behind. There an organization called “Partners in Torah” where you are matched up to a study partner over the phone for a once-a-week study session on any topic of your choice. It’s free, and amazing. Look them up. Is there maybe a community close to yours that has an educational organization for beginners? Of course, there’s lots of stuff online, but personal connections, relationships, and community are key. AND finding a rabbi/mentor to guide you in this journey.

7. Regarding brain transplants: you have exactly the brain that G-d wants you to have to fulfill your unique purpose in life! 🙂

All the best, and wishing you lots of success,
Ruchi

Dear readers,

Would you add anything? Have you “been there, done that”?

Uncategorized February 7, 2013

5 Questions Orthodox People Are Happy to Answer

Most Orthodox people that I know just love to talk about being Orthodox and are flattered by interest and curiosity in their lifestyle. [GENERALIZATION ALERT.] Here are some questions we’re happy to answer.

1. How did you and your spouse meet?
While we know that the way we meet and date is very different from that of most people, we’re proud of our style and, like most couples, enjoy recounting the process.

2. (For women) So is it hard to shop for clothes? Where do you find your skirts?
Again, like most women, we like to shop and the thrill of the chase is a good part of it. So the limitations of our wardrobe make it kind of like a treasure hunt. When we find a good skirt, we Facebook it so all our fellow skirt-wearers can enjoy. It’s fun to share how we make “regular” department store clothing or Target finds “kosher” for our use. Go ahead, ask!

3. How do you guys manage with so many kids?
While sometimes this question will be met with a groan and some eye-rolling, because ALL of us struggle with raising kids (whether it’s one or ten), overall we are proud of having large families and have developed tricks and tips along the way. So it’s a good feeling to be validated for this and respected for meeting the challenge.

4. Do you mind that you can’t eat all these foods and that you’re limited with what restaurants you can go to? What do you do when you travel?
Kosher is another area that is all-inclusive in our lives. Like most people, when something is a big part of our lives, it’s fun to talk about. As we do, we revisit these concepts from a fresh perspective (yours) and are reminded that our lives are pretty cool.

5. (For guys) Do you wear your kippah all the time? What about sports? Does it ever fall off? Do you wear it when you sleep?
It’s pretty easy to fall into the trap of habit with observance. Being reminded about something that is a constant is good for us.

If you are Orthodox, what are some other questions you’re happy to answer? What are some questions you don’t want to be asked?
If you are not, what are some questions you’ve wondered if you could ask?

Uncategorized February 6, 2013

Getting To Know You – The Liebster Award

So my dear friend and band sister Rivki Silver over at Life in the Married Lane made me famous. Kind of.

Apparently she nominated me for what she calls the blogger’s version of a chain letter. Here are the rules:

1) Tell 11 things about yourself.
2) Answer 11 questions from the blogger who nominated you.
3) Post 11 questions for those who will be nominated by you.
4) Nominate 11 bloggers.
5) Get in contact with those bloggers to inform them that you nominated them.

Okay. Here are my 11 things about myself.

1. My father died of cancer when I was 6.

2. I married the boy next door, but we dated in Israel.

3. I speak Hebrew fluently, with a pathetically American accent.

4. I am a pianist and backup vocalist in an all-women’s band, called “In Harmony.”

5. I have seven kids, ranging in age from 18 to 2. Girl, boy, girl, boy, girl, boy, girl.

6. I have lived in NY, Cleveland, Israel, and Buffalo Grove.

7. I am a major extrovert. I love people.

8. My jobs have included editing and proofing in a publishing company, running musical and dramatic performances, directing overnight camp, teaching music, public speaking, parent coaching, and running our non-profit, Jewish Family Experience. None of these things was on my radar as a kid. I dreamed of being a nurse (age 3), lawyer (age 15), and while I knew it was highly incompatible with my religious leanings, a professional actress (always).

9. I have over 50 nieces and nephews.

10. I love to dance.

11. I hate to sweep.

Okay!

Here are the 11 questions from Rivki:

If you could outsource any domestic chore or duty, which one would you choose? Sweeping! Also laundry (doing and folding) – not that I really mind doing them (I actually find them kind of relaxing) but because it takes too much time. Really cooking but it’s a way to nurture my family, so it’s going to be me.
What mitzvah, or spiritual practice, do you connect with the most? Shabbos. It’s just so brilliant and there is no other way to carve out that time unless mandated communally.
If you could rename yourself, what name would you pick? Gosh, I never thought about that. Maybe something a little more pronounceable, like Shira or Rina.
What’s your proudest accomplishment? Every time I think of an accomplishment, I realize it’s really a blessing. So instead of proud, I am very, very grateful.
What’s your favorite holiday? Chanukah!
Where’s the most beautiful place you’ve visited? Rosh Hanikra in Israel. The water flows through these caves and the sun plays on the water and it’s just crazy. I also have a weakness for the old city of Tzfat.
What song would you listen to for a boost of energy? Raffi Rise and Shine 🙂
What do you consider comfort food? Pasta. Yum yum.
Prior to marriage, did you have a “list” of qualities you wanted in a spouse? If so, how close was your list to reality? Yes. Very. Another blessing, thank God.
If you could play any instrument, which one would it be? Guitar. It’s on my bucket list.
You won a free trip to anywhere you like. Where would you go? Of course I would say Israel first, but I do get to go to Israel with my organization so I’ll pick instead South Africa. Or Prague. Because everyone says they’re so beautiful and both are rich with Jewish history.

11 questions for my nominees:

1. When did you start blogging and why?

2. Who is your hero?

3. What was your favorite place to live?

4. What was your most popular post?

5. What was hardest thing you’ve ever done?

6. If you found a spare $100, how would you spend it?

7. What was the best family memory you have?

8. Whom do you speak to the most in a given week?

9. What kind of driver are you?

10. What’s your attitude toward technology?

11. What’s your favorite game? Are you good at it?

And now, here are my nominees (it was hard not to pick some of Rivki’s!):

Healthy Girl’s Kitchen

bigdhog.wordpress.com

The Real Jerusalem Streets

Have fun!

Uncategorized January 29, 2013

Be Careful What You Name Your Kid

Most Jewish parents choose Jewish names for their kids. But they don’t always realize that one fine day, their kids may choose to really use those names.

According to Jewish thought, your Jewish name describes your essence. When you want to name your child after a relative, you should really use the Hebrew name as closely as possible to the original. Identical is best. Starting with the same letter, in either Hebrew or English, is a distant second. It’s powerful for the memory and honor, but spiritually, the connectedness is in the actual name or the same meaning.

Rabbi Akiva Tatz, originally of South Africa, who did not grow up using his Hebrew name, and who did not grow up Orthodox, for that matter, describes how his parents chose the name “Kevin” for him. First, he says, they chose Akiva – after the person for whom he was named. Then they went about searching for a secular name that he could use to navigate in the “real world” that was as similar as possible to the actual (Hebrew) name. In other words, “Akiva” was the “real him” and Kevin was a distant nickname that replicated the real deal.

Many Jewish parents go about this the opposite way – first they choose an English name that they like or that’s after a loved one, then choose a Hebrew name based on other factors. But many young parents tell me they wished they had known, when they were naming their kids, how very powerful that Hebrew name is to the essence and the soul of their children. Many Jewish parents don’t remember their kids’ Hebrew names, if they’ve fallen into disuse.

Sometimes kids will start using their Hebrew names, whether at Sunday school, in Israel, or if they become more religiously-minded. So you might want to choose carefully.

So here I am, to tell you! And now you know.

How was your name chosen? How did you choose your kids’ names?

Related posts: Your Kid’s Hebrew Name is Yechezkel Simcha Chaim?
High on Hebrew

Uncategorized January 25, 2013

6 Spiritual Lessons from “Words With Friends”

I’m addicted. OK? I admit it baldly (B is 4… A is 1…). But it’s not a total wash. Firstly, my word geekiness is improving, so that’s exciting. (X is 8.) Also, I’ve noticed that life and WWF have some quirky things in common. Like:

1. Don’t compare.
Sometimes you’re playing someone who is waaay better than you. And your self-esteem takes a beating. Or sometimes you’re crushing your opponent and you start feeling kind of puffed up. Stop. And realize that you don’t know what’s on her rack, and he doesn’t know what’s on yours. How much experience does she have? Maybe he’s dyslexic. Maybe she’s playing for the first time. Maybe he has the flu (he, too, is addicted. Hey, that has a C, which is four). You know? You just don’t know what’s happening. So don’t compare. You’ll never come out ahead that way.

2. Bad rack.
So you have four A’s, two E’s and an I. What’re you gonna do, kvetch about it? (If that’s a real word, that’s awesome, because the K and the V are 5 each.) Is a bad rack REALLY a bad rack? Maybe it makes you a better player. And maybe it’s better than your opponent’s rack… see #1. A good player is not he who can play a good rack. It’s he who can take an awful (Ooh! A W and an F. 4 and 4.) one and do something really creative with it.

3. It’s finite.
Really, this game will end and you can try another. There are only a certain number of tiles that can be played (quick, how many??) and then it’s time for a fresh start. You don’t ever have to get stuck in a permanent rut.

4. Have fun.
Don’t be so obsessed with points that you forget to enjoy yourself. Every once in awhile, play a word just because it’s awesome (like “plotz” – thank you, to my recent opponent for that great one, and of course we all know a Z is 10!) even if the score value isn’t quite as high or it brings your opponent dangerously close to a triple word spot.

5. Look at it with fresh eyes.
So you’ll look at the board. And you’ll say, “There is absolutely nothing to do.” Then you’ll go to sleep. Because it’s 2 am and you’re still playing. Because you’re nuts. Because you’re addicted. So when you wake up and ~~it’s the first thing you look at~~ you get a chance to sneak a peek, all of a sudden you see a great move! And you’re like, “THAT was there all along?” Yup. It was. But sometimes you just need fresh eyes.

6. Make your failure a success.
So you’re losing. And then your opponent plays some crazy ridiculous word. Like, “qifru.” (No, I made it up. Don’t try to play it.) No one knows what it means. But you feel like an idiot because now he is 92 points richer than you. Guess what, but? You just learned a scary new word to hit a future opponent with. Because a failure can always be turned into future success.

So go ahead. Download it. Invite me to play. And then we can enjoy some qifru (10, 1, 4, 1, 2…).

Book cover with watercolor background design.

Uncategorized January 21, 2013

How A Baby Post Grows Up: 12 Steps

How a post goes from brain to screen is different depending on each blogger. Here’s my story:

1. Idea
An idea pops into my head, or as I prefer to look at it, God pops an idea into my head. This may be sparked by a conversation I have with someone, an article or book I’ve read, a question I am asked, a discussion I’m following on Facebook or on another blog, or just out of the blue.

2. ColorNote
I enter the idea into an app on my phone that I use to organize my life, and I do mean my whole entire life. It’s a sticky notes app, and I have one for calls to make, errands to run, things to discuss with my husband (I do not kid), things to do on a real computer (as opposed to on my phone, on the spot), books I’ve loaned out, people to pray for, and blog post ideas.

3. Immediate Creation
Or, if I feel really passionate about an idea, I’ll bypass the list and just get in front of the computer as soon as I can and whip it out. I have also been known on occasion to blog on my phone if I feel very strongly about something and my patience level is low and it’s not too long.

4. Computer
When I have a few moments in front of a real computer, like now, I’ll pull an idea off the list and blog away. I try to switch it up so serious posts are interspersed with light ones (both for your sanity and mine). If the idea requires research or quoting another source, it’ll take a little longer, but usually I write quickly and get it all out.

5. Editing
I hit “preview” which means I see what the post would look like when published. This is important because it psychologically puts my brain in the brains of my (varied and eclectic) readers. I try to imagine what an Orthodox and non-Orthodox person would feel while reading it. I try to imagine if my rabbi would be pleased, or if I would feel embarrassed for my mother to see it. I try to envision if a non-Jewish person would respond well or poorly. I edit for spelling and grammar but rarely actually rework it. (Major exception: my Disillusioned post was heavily edited and reworked after writing.) I figure, it’s a blog post, not a novel, and if I try to make it perfect, it will never see the light of day and the blog will die.

6. Labels
I choose “tags” or labels that describe the subject matter. That keeps my post organized so, if you look on the right sidebar, you can click a topic and see things that have been written on those topics.

7. Publish
I used to schedule my posts to appear during early morning so people will see them first thing. I don’t do that anymore. Firstly, I don’t blog every day so it’s not like it’s a daily thing, but mostly, I’m excited to publish and get responses, hits and feedback so basically…I just don’t want to wait!

8. Facebook
I link my new piece on my Facebook page with a little teaser or excerpt. Facebook is a major traffic source for my blog. I love when a discussion ensues there as well as on the blog. It used to bother me (I wanted more comments on the actual blog as opposed to “losing” them to Facebook) but not anymore. It’s just another place for people to chat about the topic and learn about my blog.

9. Check My Hits
I go to my blogger page and check out my stats. It’s way fun to see those numbers go up. Yeah! I can also see if other websites are bringing me traffic by linking my posts or blog, which is exciting. Sometimes I’m linked in anti-religion sites, but I’ve already learned not to click those or I will end up reading nasty things about myself – no thanks.

10. Comments
Every time someone posts a comment, I get an email with three options: publish, delete, or mark as spam. Most of my non-spam comments get published as-is. On controversial posts, I get a little pang in my stomach when I receive a new comment, wondering if it’s going to upset me or be OK. Even when a comment upsets me, usually it only upsets me until I formulate a response. Occasionally I edit comments if I think they contain lashon hara or are mean-spirited. Or I might choose to delete it entirely. Or I might not publish it, but will write a response inviting the commenter to rework it so it’s publishable.

If I’m in a meeting or with my kids, and not looking at my phone for awhile, the comments will hang out until I get to them. Then I might approve a bunch of comments at once when I get to my emails and they will all hit the blog at the same time. Fortunately, blogger organizes them in the order that they were originally posted, so the logical thread remains intact.

11. Responding to Comments
If I have short response, I just do it on my phone. Or in the evening when I get in front of my computer I’ll respond to a bunch of comments at once. Sometimes this can be really frustrating – if I really want to respond but don’t have time to get to it right away. But sometimes other commenters will respond instead of me, and do an even better job. THAT is cool. Bloggie nachas. The comments usually go on for a few days, and when they wind down, I post something new. Of course, I love when the conversation continues even after new posts go up.

12. In Person Feedback
I might be in shul/synagogue or the carpool line or at a wedding and someone gives me feedback about the blog. That is always really exciting! The idea that what I do here behind my tiny little laptop makes a difference in people’s lives is thrilling and humbling.

How do you participate in this blog? At work? At home? On your phone? If you’re a blogger, is your process similar?