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Uncategorized November 15, 2012

Reach Out

The drive confuses me, sometimes,
to reach out.

Conversations
blogging
teaching
emails
lecturing
I want to take it higher bigger better
shout from the rooftops
or whatever is the professionally appropriate equivalent.

I look around.

It seems
a lot of people are content
in their own little corners
doing good
working
taking care of families
crafting
cooking
reading
talking on the phone with friends,
families

what’s that emotion, there?  Come back, you.
I want to chat with you.
What are you?
Envy?  I’m curious.  Yes, you.
Explain yourself, little one.

You want, too, to sit in a sweet little corner of privacy?  And just be?
HA!
You lie.  You wouldn’t be happy.
What’s that?  You want to be happy with that?

Well.  This is what God gave you.  He gave you this drive.
And you don’t always need to understand it.
And you don’t always need to love it.
but know: it’s yours.  And always will be.
So go out there now.
and do what you need to do.

And you, little envy, sweetie… go on, now.  Go find somewhere else to play.
Buh-bye.

Uncategorized November 9, 2012

Meet My Centrist Orthodox Friend, Daphne Soclof

INTRODUCTION
Ruchi’s intro:
I thought it was a good idea to interview a Modern Orthodox
Jew here on the blog, and I thought of my old classmate (that is,
classmate from awhile ago – she’s not old!  She’s exactly my age :).  Daphne Soclof, who lives right here near me in Cleveland.  Daphne was
very gracious about being interviewed, and we met in person for the
interview.
Daphne’s intro:
Originally,
you asked if you could interview me in the name of Modern Orthodoxy. 
But I feel like I’m a Torah-observant Jew, and that there needs to be
synthesis between the modern world and Torah law.  That doesn’t
categorize me as “modern” but as rather, Torah u’mada (Torah synthesized
with science).  The balance between the two puts me in the center:
centrist.  There are various Hebrew titles, such as “torah u’mada” or
“dati-tziyoni” (Orthodox-Zionist) or “dati-leumi”
(religious/nationalist) that carry different political affiliations as
far as being a Zionist.
PERSONAL INFO

Ootob:  What is your name?
Daphne Shamir Soclof (I took my maiden name as my middle name)
Ootob:  Where did you grow up?
Cleveland, Ohio

Ootob:  How old are you? 
38
Ootob:  What’s your favorite food?
Schnitzel!
Ootob:  Do you have talents/hobbies?
Reading, cooking
Ootob:  Where do you live? 
Beachwood, Ohio
FAMILY
Ootob:  How many siblings do you have and where do you fit in?  Brothers/sisters?  How old?
I have two older siblings, a brother and a sister.  They are 50 and 46.  I’m the youngest. I hope my siblings don’t mind my putting that out there 🙂
Ootob:  What did your parents do for a living?
My mother was the director of a Jewish supplementary school and my father owned a garage and a body shop.
Ootob:  How many children do you have?  How old/boys or girls?  Would you like to have more?
I have, thank G-d, five.  Two girls, 15 and 13; two boys, 10 and 8; and a girl, 4.  In an ideal world I would love to have more.
Ootob:  What do you and your husband do for a living?
My
husband is a lawyer by trade but owns a real estate company.  I have my
master’s in educational psychology and work at a charter school,
Virtual Schoolhouse.
Ootob:  Are you and your husband practicing Judaism in a similar fashion to how you grew up, or is it different?  If so, how so? 
Both similar and different.  My husband grew up in an Orthodox home and is philosophically similar to how he grew up, but practically has intensified his practice.  For me, I came from a traditional non-observant  home and chose to be observant with my parents’ and sisters encouragement.
Both of my parents are Holocaust survivors. In order to keep me
sheltered and connected to my heritage, they put me in a Jewish Day
School for my entire education nursery through 12th grade.
They also supported my choice to Study in Israel for a year and continue
on to Yeshiva University’s Stern College for women.
MARRIAGE
Ootob:  How old were you and your husband when you got married?
I was 20 (almost 21) and my husband, Richie, was 23.
Ootob:  How were you set up and how did the dating work?
We
became friends as young children through Bnei Akiva, a dati-Tziyoni
[Orthodox-Zionist] youth organization.  We started dating organically at
Camp Stone, an Orthodox-Zionist overnight camp, and we stayed
together ever since.  I actually put a note in the kotel when I was 10
wishing for three things: 1, that my grandparents would live forever; 2,
that Mashiach (the Messiah) would come; and 3, that I’d marry Rich.  So
I guess he had no choice!

Ootob:  Can you describe what your wedding was like?
The
most fun ever.  Hundreds of wild and crazy people!  Religious,
spiritual.  The most moving part was when we stood under the chuppah and
the entire room sang “im eshkachech yerushalayim” (a song about
remembering that Jerusalem has not yet been rebuilt; traditionally
acknowledged at our moments of greatest joy, such as a wedding).  It was
a real mix of communities – because my parents’ friends and family were
not observant,  – which made it beautiful.

Ootob:  How do you and your husband stay connected while raising a busy large family and with all the community obligations?
It’s really hard and takes a lot of work and thank G-d for Shabbat, because once a week for 24 hours we have to tune out the outside world and only focus on each other and our family (and
all the guests we have over).  We’re not the “date night” type but we
do try to sit out on the porch by ourselves and connect.
Ootob:  How would you describe how you and your husband share work and parenting responsibilities?
We’re
equal partners in parenting and in our home; the burden of truly
providing economically for our family unfortunately falls on my husband,
although I try to help.  The food brought to the Shabbos table is
cooked by me and the Torah brought to the Shabbos table is provided by
him.  He drives the kids to school every day and davens (prays) in their
school with them. The appointments, haircuts, etc, are more me.
MOTHERHOOD AND WORKING
Ootob:  How does mothering philosophically fit in with your profession?
Being
a parent is my priority and I hope that the education I have helps in
raising my kids as well as personal fulfillment in the workplace.
Ootob:  Can you describe the Centrist Orthodox view of women and working?
I
don’t think there is a particular view.  I think you’ll find most women
have a higher education, master’s degrees, PHD’s, etc.  Some choose not
to work and some do.  I don’t know of any mothers in our (Orthodox Zionist) school who don’t
at least have a bachelor’s degree.  Most have gone on for more, though
many choose not to work but instead volunteer their talents in the
greater community. 
Ootob:  How does secular education fit into this?
It’s
an absolute priority for me, as long as it can synthesize with our
Torah values.  That’s why I love the day school our kids go to because
the science teacher holds the same religious beliefs that I do and
absolutely teaches science, and is able to field questions in the
religious realm as well.  Nothing is omitted or sugar-coated but the
kids are taught to have secular and religious work in conjunction with
each other.
DRESS
Ootob:  How do you dress as an Orthodox woman?
I only wear skirts outside my home, and I cover my head outside my home.  I try to adhere to the Torah guidelines of modesty.
Ootob:  Does this impact you at work?
I
look different from the other people at work, but not for the reasons
you might think.  My co-workers are either African-American or Orthodox
Jews who are more to the right, so I guess I don’t look exactly like
either group!  But we all respect each others’ outfits.  And almost all
of us wear head coverings.  (Both groups wear a lot of wigs, and I
don’t.  I generally wear a scarf or hat.)
Ootob:  How do you cover your hair?
I cover my head, not my hair, per the religious concept of “kisui rosh.” 
I generally wear a hat or a scarf and my hair sticks out.  I do own a
wig for special occasions, although I often feel hypocritical wearing
it.  I got it because sometimes you just have to blend in.  Frankly, the
real pressure came from some specific individuals in the more
right-wing Orthodox community who don’t view my style of head-covering
as legit, so when I attend those types of functions I wear a wig to fit
in.  I’m very proud to cover my head as a sign of being married and
never felt uncomfortable doing that in the secular environment.
Ootob:  Is it hard for you to follow these rules?  What’s the hardest part?
No,
for the most part it’s not, because I think it bring beauty and
structure to my life.  It was a real choice for me. I wasn’t born into
it and therefore I’m passionate about that decision.
Ootob:  What is your favorite part of being an Orthodox woman?
The
laws and guidelines on the beauty of family purity (mikveh) and the way
women are praised and valued as the linchpin of the Jewish home. In other words, being a Jewish wife and mother.
CENTRIST ORTHODOXY
Ootob:  When did Centrist Orthodoxy begin?
It’s just an evolving process as we try to strive to live both a Torah observant life and live in the modern world.
Ootob:  What is the best aspect of Centrist Orthodoxy, in your experience?
Being able to question why and how we do things and finding educated answers from Torah scholars as well as secular experts.
Ootob:  What is its challenge?
Living
in the shade of gray is challenging because you are constantly choosing
and thinking.  It’s never black and white (outside of the 613 laws). 
It’s what makes it nice, and it’s what makes it hard.
Ootob:  How does Centrist Orthodoxy handle some of the traditional rules of Orthodoxy, such as women’s roles in synagogue?
I
think it handles it very well, within the guidelines of halacha
(always) but with the ability for women to feel empowered and a part of
the process, sometimes with all-women’s davening on special occasions.
Ootob:  Any closing thoughts or remarks?

As
a woman and mother, I always feel valued and important in my role as an
Orthodox Jew, and above all else, I prefer not to have a label, because
I feel that all Jews are part of one large group, and although we all
may practice differently, fundamentally we are all part of the same
religion.  Although this interview is about what makes me different, I
want to stress that the things I value about Judaism are the things that
make us all alike.  We are one people.

Uncategorized October 31, 2012

Quick Show of Hands

What percentage of my readership is Orthodox?  Please leave me a short comment, even if you are not a “commenter”: are you Orthodox?
Yes, no, sometimes, unsure?
Thanks.
Uncategorized October 31, 2012

That’s JEWISH Food!

With all the heavy topics we’ve been covering lately, it’s definitely time for a light post.  Um, thematically, that is.

For awhile I was tortured by brisket.  Not as in heartburn, but in trying to figure out how it became a Jewish food.  I posted it on Facebook, with not much info forthcoming.  From there I wondered about rugelach, knishes, and matza ball soup.  So I hereby present to you what I have learned.  Turns out some Jewish food is seriously, spiritually Jewish; some peripherally Jewish; and some barely Jewish.  Note: this list is specific to Ashkenazic eating, since it’s what I know.  I’d love your input on Sephardic foods.  Here’s what I know, in reverse order of Jewishness:

The Barely Jewish

1.  Pickles


What’s up with the ubiquitous Kosher Pickle?  Turns out that pickling your food was a highly common practice in Eastern Europe, by Jews and non-Jews alike.  But Jews discovered a great use for the pickled cucumber and imported it to the shores of NY marketed in just that way: as a palate cleanser while eating the highly tasty (and fatty) cuts of deli meats they favored.  As such, the Jewish/”kosher” pickle became a fixture on the Lower East Side, to the point where Heinz made the marketing decision to brand their pickles kosher so they’d sell (even though pretty much all pickles are kosher).

2. Knish

Sorry, folks, there’s nothing Jewish about a knish.  It’s a Russian food that Jews – once again – imported, popularized, and marketed on the street corners of the Lower East Side.  And boy, is it good.

3. Rugelach

I could find absolutely no info about how rugelach became a Jewish food.  Ah, well.  I still highly recommend them.  Especially the ones from the shuk in Jerusalem, warm and fresh out of the oven…mmmmm.  But I digress.

4. Hummus, pita, falafel

Speaking of Israel, I am equally sorry to inform you that hummus, pita, and falafel are not Jewish at all.  More middle-Eastern.  More Lebanese, actually.  But go ahead and indulge, if it makes you happy.

The Peripherally Jewish

1. Mandelbroit

I am going to out this Jewish food right here, right now.  For those of you that haven’t yet noticed, mandelbroit is nothing more or less than Italian biscotti.  Sorry!  I know, it’s like the end of the Wizard of Oz.  Turns out Jewish travelers from Eastern Europe went traveling and discovered this pastry in Italy.  They immediately sniffed out the Jewish benefits: one, it was made without butter – and hence, was pareve – a big perk in kosher dining, especially for special occasions such as Shabbat and holidays when meat or chicken were usually served.  Secondly, and this I’m making up, they last forever.  Because, actually, they’re stale to begin with.  So they brought it back to the shtetl, called it “almond bread” – or mandelbroit in Yiddish.  Voila!  A Jewish pastry is born.

2. Farfel

This is a pasta, not dissimilar to couscous, that you will routinely find in the kosher aisle of your local grocery store.  It became customary to eat this with Shabbat dinner, since its name is similar to the Yiddish “farfallen,” which means “it’s over with, it’s fallen already.”  This was to remind ourselves that once Shabbat begins, the problems, decisions, and stresses of the week are to fall away.

3. Matza ball soup

Ah, that fixture of Jewish cooking.  First let’s talk about the matza balls.  Clearly, this custom began on Passover, when we were looking for just about anything that could be prepped with that bane of Jewish eating: the matza (also to be inexplicably found in your local grocery kosher aisle year-round, possibly due it’s always/never getting stale…see mandelbroit).  In any event, matza balls must’ve been such a hit and as such spread (no pun intended) to the rest of the year’s menu.  What about the soup it is featured in?  Let’s call it what it is: chicken soup.  It’s obvious what’s Jewish about chicken soup: chicken is kosher, so let’s start there.  Many Jews in Eastern Europe could not afford meat, but it didn’t take much in the way of finances or property to buy some chickens and let’s face it, soup is the best method to make a little go a long way.  Hence, chicken soup: a Jewish staple, and the perfect backdrop to those fluffy matza balls, also called by the Yiddish kneidlach (literally, “little kneaded things”).

4. Brisket, pastrami, and the Jewish deli

Brisket IS Jewish, after all. Here’s why: it turns out that not all cuts of beef are kosher.  Jews don’t eat the hindquarters of the animal due to the Biblical story of Jacob wrestling with the angel of Esau (yes, Jews believe in angels) and his thigh being dislocated in the process.  Thus, states the Torah, a Jew is not to partake of the animal’s hindquarter.  Brisket is from the front of the animal and as such is kosher (some are more kosher than others, cough, cough).

Pastrami on rye – Jewish?  Well, pastroma
is a Romanian/Yiddish word for salted brisket cuts – and the Jews,
again, imported and popularized this cut of meat.  They also changed the
name to “pastrami” to be similar to the Italian “salami.”  What was
Jewish about it?  It was from a kosher animal, and a kosher cut, to
boot.  Why did Jews keep delis in the first place?  There were some
kinds of foods (in the technologically simpler age) that one could buy
universally – fish, baked goods, produce – but kosher meat was not one
of them.  The Jews always had to manage that one themselves.  Hence,
Jews opened delis to provide their own meat, and it quickly became the
equivalent of the Irish pub: a place where Jews could gather, talk
Jewish talk, catch up on Jewish news, and just hang out and be Jewish. 
To this day, the “Jewish deli” is a fixture – but make sure your
kosher-style deli is not serving you ham (which is neither kosher nor
kosher-style).  As for rye, I have no idea.

5. Bagels and lox

Bagels were also a regionally Eastern European food, but became popular among the Jews for Saturday night consumption.  It was a religious tradition to cook something new for Saturday night, pursuant to the belief that an “extra soul” was given to us for Shabbat, and departed on Saturday night, and thus, both to “console” ourselves on its departure, and to “escort out” its presence, a new food was cooked and eaten.  Bagels may have become popular because it’s quicker than bread (if you prep the dough prior to Shabbat).  And maybe the extras were readily available for Sunday morning – hence Sunday morning bagels!  As for lox – again, the Jews of Eastern Europe discovered this from the Scandinavians, and considering it (and herring) came from kosher varieties of fish (salmon, carp), it instantly became a favorite.  The way it was prepared was also ideal, since it didn’t need refrigeration.  Some unknown person capped it off with a shmear of cream cheese, the immigrants made it famous in New York, and lo and behold, the bagel became synonymous with the Jew.  Frighteningly, if you google bagels and Jews, expect to be hit with a boatload of virulently anti-semitic literature.  It’s that iconic.

The Super Jewish

1. Kugel

Kugel is a really, really good food.  In High German it means “round things.”  It started as kneaded dumplings and eventually morphed into the baked [insert insufficient translation here, such as pudding and casserole].  Word has it that it is similar to the Hebrew “k’igul” which means “like a circle,” and was intended to replicate the round manna (which is described in Torah sources as “round like a coriander seed”) which we celebrate on Shabbat.  Hence, its centrality on Shabbat and holidays (and random Tuesdays when we’re in the mood…just sayin’).  Why potato kugel specifically?  No special reason other than… it was readily available in Eastern Europe.  Now you can find recipes for all kinds of avant-garde kugel such as butternut squash, broccoli, strawberry and other random items more traditionally called “dessert.”  But that’s the beauty of kugel.  Mix it, bake it round, call it a kugel, and it’s a kugel.  Check out www.www.joyofkosher.com for lots of awesome kugel ideas and recipes.

2. Gefilte fish

Guess what?  The weird jarred stuff in the jelled broth is not up to par.  But let’s discuss why it came to be Jewish.  In halacha (Jewish law), there is a rule that on Shabbat one of the creative labors we refrain from is “sorting/organizing.”  This would apply to eating fish, because you have to sort through the bones to eat the fish.  So them Jews came up with an equally creative solution: grind them bones in with the fish, and cook!  Ha ha!  Then you can pretend there aren’t any bones.  Throw in a carrot and onion, and maybe you won’t even notice them!  No sorting necessary.  Now we got a little smarter: we eliminate the bones entirely, beef it up with a little matza meal/breadcrumbs, and cook.  Me, I buy the frozen raw loaves and I actually bake it.  It’s goooooood.  And very halacha-compliant.  Bon appetit.

3. Braided challah

What makes challah challah?  The braiding, of course.  A braid has many spiritually significant themes.  Here’s one, lifted from aish.com: Part of the preparation for the Shabbat is engaging in melacha,
creative activity. Braiding is creative activity. The braid is a shape
that does not appear in nature. (Ficus trees are hand-braided.) It is a
shape that is made by humans and it is representative of the human
ability to manipulate the raw material of the world. Braiding the
challah strands helps us harness our creative capacities for the purpose
of observing the Shabbat.
I love that.


4. And finally, stuffed cabbage and kreplach


While these foods aren’t inherently Jewy, but merely a regional favorite in Eastern Europe among Jews and non-Jews alike, they were incorporated into Jewish eating on special occasions such as Yom Kippur pre-fast meal; Purim dinner; and Simchat Torah, due to their “wrapped” construction.  This was significant as it symbolized God’s hidden and concealed plan on those spiritual days.

What Jewish foods are your favorites?  Do you know what’s Jewish about them?  Most importantly, are you hungry yet?

Related posts: Read about cholent!

Uncategorized October 28, 2012

Dear Son

Dear Son,

I think the time has come for me to have a very important chat with you.  See, it’s about being Jewish and your future.

I know it doesn’t seem so, but I want to discuss how very important it is for you to marry Jewish.  It’s OK to date any girls, and later, women.  But when it’s time to get serious, please… only Jewish women.  This is a big deal, son.  Don’t let me down.

Dad

Dad,


Not sure how I’ll know till I’m well into the relationship whether it’s “time to get serious.”


Your kid

Dear Son,

If it gets serious, and she’s not Jewish, it’s time to break up.

Dad

Dad.


Seriously??  Is that fair to her?  Or even me?  Are you trying to say I can string her along until it’s no longer convenient for me?  At least give me a good reason to back up your request.


Me

Son,

Life is tough enough.  Keep as many things in common as possible.

Dad

Dad.  


You and mom are both Jewish and still got divorced.

Son,

There were too many Jews killed in the Holocaust.  If you don’t marry Jewish, your kids won’t be Jewish.  We need all the Jews we can get.

Dad.


Bad marketing, there.  Who wants in with the victim?  Blah.

Son,

It’s hard for me to articulate why this is so important.  Being Jewish is part of our identity.

Dad,


How so?  Twice a year?  Grandpa changed our name to sound less Jewish. After my bar mitzvah, we did nothing Jewish most of the year.  Shouldn’t true love trump some silly nostalgia?

Son,

Are you trying to tell me something?

Dad,


It’s too late.  I’m in this relationship already. It’s part of my identity.  Every day… much more than twice a year…

Son…

What could I have done differently?

Uncategorized October 23, 2012

Not For Me

Attachment parenting is not for me.  I don’t like people hanging on me or touching me all the time, and I hate being tethered.  But who knew it was so controversial?

Bad for the kids… bad for the marriage… bad for the mom… are these accusations true?

After reading about Mayim Bialik’s book and other “out there” attachment parents, I decided to analyze my feelings, and here’s the conclusion I came to.  I don’t know if attachment parenting ultimately produces: better or worse kids; kids that are more neurotic or more confident; more exhausted or more serene parents.  All I know is that I couldn’t do it.

What impressed me about Mayim is that she didn’t seem to arrive at this parenting approach emotionally, based on her personality.  She arrived at it, initially, scientifically.

“Writing her Ph.D. thesis on the role of hormones in obsessive-compulsive
disorder in children with a particular genetic condition, Ms. Bialik
thought deeply about the science of human attachment. At the same time,
friends whose attachment-parenting approach she had once found “kooky
town” (“All they talked about was their kid, and their kid was always on
them,” she said) seemed to be getting impressive results.”

(OK, it helped that she “fell in love” with nursing on demand [aaaagh!!].)

So why am I talking about this?

Pull out the words “attachment parenting” and insert “Orthodox Judaism.”

How many people who feel it’s “not for them” feel the need to dis the system?  To prove that it’s flawed?  Its proponents backward?  Its products worse off for the experience?  How rarely have I heard someone admit: “It’s not for me, but I admire it and admire those who are willing to put in the hard work because they consider it a worthwhile system for a better future”?

How much education have the detractors of attachment parenting amassed about what it really means – or is most of the backlash due to ignorance, stereotyping, fear of the unknown and perceived judgment at the hands of adherents?

Recently I posted something about Homecoming on Facebook.  One respondent angrily expressed the social mayhem and damage that ensues from these high school dances.  A friend of mine later commented (in person – yeah, for reals) that this person was obviously a baal teshuvah – one who adopts Torah observance as an adult – who was unpopular in high school.  The assumption was that people arrive at Orthodoxy for emotionally needy reasons.

I reacted by doing something that’s becoming a habit: I lent her a book.  This one was by a popular and cool Jewish guy, a consummate jock and highly successful business person, who nevertheless felt that “something was missing” in his life, and intellectually, philosophically, researched and eventually adopted observant Judaism.

If kosher, Shabbat, and other observances are “not for you” that’s cool.  I get that.  I won’t say I agree, but I, as a detachment parent, get it.  But please don’t feel that you then have to dis the system.  The system exists – has existed – for thousands of years.  Accept it if you wish; accept parts of it if you dare; ignore it if you must.  But try to stay philosophical about the issues.

Uncategorized October 15, 2012

Technique

“You don’t recycle??  Don’t you care about the environment?  How could you not??  It’s not so hard.  Seriously.  There are recycle bins wherever you go these days.  Can I come over to your house and show you how to do it?  I’ll bring the bags and everything.   See you tomorrow!”

“You don’t keep kosher??  Don’t you care about your soul?  How could you not??  It’s not so hard.  Seriously.  There’s kosher stuff available wherever you go these days.  Can I come over to your house and show you how to do it?  I’ll bring the kashering pot and everything.  See you tomorrow!”

Questions:
1. Which conversation really happened?
2. Which is more offensive?
3. Would either inspire you to change your ways?