Uncategorized Archives - Page 41 of 59

Poster announcing event at JFX on Thursday.

Uncategorized May 22, 2012

What Do You Mean, You Can’t Eat in my Home??

Okay, so I shamelessly stole that awesome title from Azriela Jaffe’s book, and will pay back the favor by linking it here. (Thanks, Azriela.) I haven’t actually read the book but I’ve heard lotsa good things about it.

Neither have I ever dealt with this issue personally, but many of my friends have. The thrust is that when someone decides to keep kosher, or go from “regular kosher” or “kosher style” to strictly kosher, they may be unable (unwilling?) to eat in their families’ and friends’ kitchens. Result? Confusion, perceived judgment, and hurt feelings. IMHO, one of the main issues is that the parties involved become emotionally bogged down and thus unable (unwilling?) to see things objectively.

So, for the purpose of distance and illustration, let’s look at four analogous instances. Ready?

Scenario 1:
My husband is doing a bris. He suggests that the family serve kosher food at the bris to honor the Jewish symbolism of the occasion. They decline. They offer to order him a kosher meal. Or, sometimes, they don’t.

Scenario 2:
We have guests over that are gluten-free. It’s my first experience with gluten-free eating, so I poke around online and ask them for ideas. “Don’t worry,” they say, “don’t put yourself out. There are lots of things our son can eat. Thank you!”

Scenario 3:
My friend tells me an acquaintance invited herself over for Shabbat dinner, and asked what she’d be serving. “Brisket,” she said.

“Oh, sorry, I can’t have that. It’s too fattening.”

Scenario 4:
At a holiday dinner, my mother-in-law brings out a number of dishes, most of which, coincidentally, contain mushrooms. It turns out that her guest is allergic to mushrooms.

Questions:
1. Is it the responsibility of the bris host to order my husband a kosher meal? Is it reasonable for him/her to be offended if my husband can’t eat the “regular” (non-kosher) meal?

2. Is it my responsibility to make sure I have gluten-free food for my guest, or should he/she fill up on GF food prior to coming? Should I be hurt if he/she won’t eat food that I thought, erroneously, was GF?

3. Is this guest rude?

4. Who feels worse: the guest, or my mother-in-law?

What do you think? Have you ever been in any of the above situations?

Uncategorized May 16, 2012

Is Feminism Hillary, Olivia, Jamie, or the-Hasidic-Women-in-the-Photo?

Is feminism Hillary, Olivia, Jamie, or the-Hasidic-woman-in-the-photo?

Let’s see.

In recent news, we have Hillary Clinton, a well-known feminist, appearing unadorned and bespectacled in a photo while abroad in Bangladesh. In this interesting piece on the subject, Amy Odell says:

When asked by CNN about the makeup-less photo of her in Bangladesh
making the rounds this week, Hillary confirmed that her appearance is
“just not something I think is important anymore.” Fox News aside, the
world rejoiced over that sentiment. She “does not need to fret about
having the right sort of career-enhancing wardrobe, haircut or makeup,” wrote Robin Givhan for the Daily Beast.
“She could arrive for a diplomatic meeting wearing flip-flops and blue
jeans and no one would doubt her authority.” Styleite’s Jada Wong responded simply with, “Yeah, she rules.”

Personally, I (Ruchi here) think this is awesome. A woman should absolutely be respected for her mind, values, and personal accomplishments. Whether my political views are aligned with Hillary’s is highly irrelevant; my inner self salutes her inner self. If this is feminism, man, I’m a feminist.

…In December of 2010, Hillary memorably tackled the media’s fixation on her clothing choices during a talk in Kyrgyzstan, when an interviewer asked about her favorite clothing designers. She replied, “Would you ever ask a man that question?”

Her comments on CNN yesterday are sure to inspire fans who wish they,
like her, didn’t feel pressured to look a certain way, as all women are.
This line in particular stood out: “I feel so relieved to be at the
stage I’m at in my life right now.”

[Note: if she actually showed up for a diplomatic meeting wearing flip-flops and blue jeans, hmmm, I’m not such a fan. Part of the cool is that she could – but won’t.]

Next in line we have Olivia Palermo, a well-known “socialite.” (My guard is up.) It seems that:

The socialite has become one of the most influential red-carpet
celebrities for style-conscious Orthodox women, who must follow three core rules of modesty in how they dress.

Well, now. I consider myself a style-conscious Orthodox woman, and I’ve never heard of her. But you can’t argue that sleeves on wedding gowns and longer skirt lengths have been made cooler by the likes of Kate Middleton.

The
Duchess of Cambridge, Kate Middleton, is also praised for her ‘ladylike’
clothes, and Ms. Heyman added that celebrity stylist Rachel Zoe, who
often wears layers of vintage, ‘covers up in [a way] that works for the
Orthodox
girls.’

Are Olivia and Kate feminists, then, for wearing longer, classier clothing that don’t broadcast or objectify them? For not buying into that whole industry? What is their motivation for covering up and creating a new trend?

If feminism means that we cover more to be taken seriously more (both by men and women), man, I’m so in.

Thirdly, we arrive at Jamie Grumet, a 26-year-old model and blogger – I refuse to link anything here – who recently appeared on the highly controversial cover of Time magazine nursing her 3-year-old son. In a tank top and skinny jeans, her pose and facial expression defy you to question her ways, with the accusatory headline “Are You Mom Enough?” splashed across the page.

I’ve seen Jamie hailed by feminist women, for standing up for her attachment ways. I’ve seen her vilified by equally strong-minded women, for selling out, turning moms against each other in a man-run corporation, and branding herself by her body instead of her mind.

Is Jamie a feminist? Was she used? Taken advantage of?

If feminism here means the right to expose yourself publicly, I’m out. Equal footing with men, remember?

Finally, we have these two Hasidic women. They don’t seem to care about modern fashion, nor do they seem impressed or even aware that their pictures are being taken. Are they repressed? Cool, like Hillary, and relieved, to not care? Do they “rule” like she does?

Are they feminists, like Olivia and Kate, for dressing in a way that does not leave them objectified?

Do they have anything at all in common with Jamie, for standing out with their non-conformist ways and proudly bucking the trend?

If feminism here clashes with these women’s choice of dress and lifestyle, whoops, I’m out again. But if it means that just as my pediatrician wears long side burns and a bow tie, and that’s just fine, well, these women are cool. That’s a choice. If it means they are immune to the dictates of a bunch of socialites, nay, don’t even know what they have said to build immunity to, I’m in!

Who, indeed, is a feminist?

Then there’s me. I like to look cute. Sometimes I feel proud of that – I fancy that maybe I am an example that looking “good” and being Orthodox are not mutually exclusive. Other times I feel like a mindless robot. Who says purple is cute this year? Why do I care? Maybe the most liberated women are those that know that following trends is plain old stupid and are man enough (pardon the expression) to live that clarity.

On the third hand, it makes me feel good when I feel that I look good. But who is dictating those feelings? Any girl worth her style-salt knows that your “cute clothes” from five years no longer make you feel cute.

So who’s the feminist now?

Cooking Tips and Tricks

Today I am over at joyofkosher.com, blogging about cooking, per the upcoming holiday of Shavuot/Shavuos. (Remember Shavuos?) For those of you that know Jamie Geller, or own Quick and Kosher, her cookbook, or Meals in Minutes, her newest one, this is her site. And it’s great.

I’m not really sure what I’m doing here. See…(furtive glance side-to-side)…I don’t like to cook.

As a rabbi’s wife and mother of seven, though, I cook a-plenty. But
for me it’s kind of like brushing my teeth. I do what I need to do to
maintain my reputation as a functional adult, and if it smells good, so
much the better.

But I have tricks! (…continue reading…)

The Helicopter and the Rocket Ship

Hey readers,

For those of you that like parenting stuff (which this blog is not) I was published yesterday over at parentingsimply.com on the Helicopter and the Rocket Ship. (I know it says “by Adina Soclof” – she’s the creator of the site – but at the bottom you’ll see my cute little bio so you’ll know it’s really from yours truly.)

Much ink has been spilled on the altar of abolishing the Helicopter
Parent: that mom (or dad) who always hovers worriedly nearby, ready,
willing and able to don spandex tights and a cape and SWOOP down to save
the day!

With forgotten lunches, neglected book reports and excuse notes in tow,
this parent unwittingly inhibits independence in his/her kids and stunts
their ability to grow into confident adults who have the skills to meet
the challenges of life.

What about Helicopter’s arch-nemesis: Rocket Ship Parent? …continue reading

The moments aren't gone, vintage background.

Uncategorized May 9, 2012

What is Israel, Anyway?

Since I shy away from controversial topics, I’ve danced around the Israel issue for a long time. Well, that’s about to end.

It seems that Neshama Carlebach has changed the lyrics to the Israeli national anthem, Hatikva, to broaden its meaning and include Israeli Arabs.

Here are the revised words below. Changes are in bold, with the original words following in brackets.
As long as the heart within
An Israeli [Jewish] soul still yearns
And onward, towards the East
An eye still gazes towards our country [Zion]
We have still not lost our hope
our ancient [2000 year] hope
To be a free people in the land of our fathers [our land]
in the city in which David, in which David encamped [land of Zion and Jerusalem]
To be a free people in our land
In the land of Zion and Jerusalem.

Part of what stymies American Jews in trying to figure out what in tarnation is going on in Israel is the core issue of separation of church and state. Now whether that precept is good for the Jews or bad for the Jews depends on a lot of factors, but bottom line, it’s what us US Jews are used to.

Israel, though, was founded as joint church (pardon the expression) and state. The state IS the church, see? It was formed as a Jewish nation. Now we have a move to widen that definition – make it Israeli instead of Jewish.

What IS Israeli???

Falafel? Nosy taxi drivers? Searing heat in the southern deserts? Drought? War? Teva pharmaceuticals? Naot sandals? Soldiers? What?

If Israel is not Jewish, what is it?

And if it is Jewish, must it be so politically?

For reasons I cannot fully explain, this change, following the whole controversy of Jerusalem not being listed as the capital of Israel on birth certificates, makes me so, so weary. Sad. Tired. Help me understand.

What do you think?

Text: "The Moments Aren't Gone" on parchment background.

Uncategorized May 7, 2012

Where Has Your Name Been?

Poll:
What’s your last name?
What was it originally?
Who changed it and under what circumstances?

Book cover: "Conversations with God" by Ruchi Koval.

Uncategorized May 3, 2012

Birthdays, Valentine’s Day, and Competitive Sports: What I Learned in Buffalo Grove, Illinois

Total immersion – moving from Jerusalem to Buffalo Grove, Illinois: from almost complete Orthodox social insularity to very heterogeneous Jewish suburbia.

My husband had accepted his first pulpit position in a small outreach congregation, and I was about to learn everything there was to know about the Jews in the ‘burbs. For the purpose of this post, I will refer to my fellow Jews that I met as HSJs (heterogeneous suburban Jews). This means they were not Orthodox, not urban, basically raising young families and sending their kids to (the excellent local) public schools. Some considered themselves Reform, some secular or unaffiliated, some of Orthodox sympathies but not observant quite to that degree, and some Conservative.

I enjoyed meeting these families so much, and they were patient and loving as I figured out what on earth I was doing (at the tender young age of 23). I learned much about them, and them about me. So what follows is hardly a judgment call, but simply my learning curve.

Here were the surprises:

1. HSJs are very big on birthdays.

Now, I am too. But just because it’s my kid’s birthday, or even my husband’s or mother’s, doesn’t mean I am going to stop the clock and ignore everyone else. I found this devoted observance of birthdays surprising and interesting. Growing up, my mother always acknowledged our birthdays with a cake on the Friday night preceding or following our Hebrew birthday, or English. Depending on which came first. Or what else was going on. Occasionally a friend would have party, at home. With homemade cake usually, or something at the local kosher pizza place.

So when people told me they couldn’t come to an event or class because it was someone’s birthday, I couldn’t really wrap my brain around it.

Here’s why I think:

In the Orthodox world, people have a lot of kids. And people get married young and have more kids. This means a lot of cousins, neighbors and occasions. For example, in my extended family and community, about once a week, if not more, there is an occasion of some sort: bar/bat mitzvah, upsherin (first haircut for a 3-year-old boy), siyum (celebration of completion of a part of Talmud), wedding, sheva brachos (week-long celebration following the wedding), Jewish holiday, and on and on.

Birthdays, frankly, paled in comparison.

2. HSJs celebrate Valentine’s Day.

This was a shocker to me. We couldn’t plan an event on Valentine’s? Really? For Jews? Wasn’t St. Valentine, um, a saint?

Here’s why I think:

Hallmark wins on this one, guys. It’s succeeded in convincing us that this is not a religious thing, but a moral obligation for all husbands. Jewish guys are menschen, right? So they do the flowers, wine, and chocolate. Everyone forgot about the St. and is just trying to stay out of trouble.

3. HSJs live in the car shuffling their kids to sports events and then watch their kids at those events.

My siblings and I were into extra-curricular stuff. But it looked really different from what I saw in BG. I was in the drama group at school, my brothers played football on the front lawn every Sunday, and I took Red Cross first aid and babysitting through my school. My parents never watched us do those things, and I would never have expected them to.

Here’s why I think:

I think this one just boils down to not only having a lot of kids, but being a part of a community where lots of people have a lot of kids. Therefore, the soccer mom model is simply not sustainable: not time-wise, and not financially. Expectations are radically different. I used to not get that when people said “How do you manage?” they were thinking of ALL. THAT. DRIVING.

I have enough driving with school carpools, going to friends, and household errands. I could never manage more. Thankfully, no one expect me to, because our community is just not structured that way.

4. Finally, HSJs were extraordinarily touched that we had chosen to live in their community.

I had wondered if anyone would wonder why the riffraff was moving in, but we received such a wonderfully warm welcome. Time and again we were asked if it was hard for us, living away from family, far from the day school, and not in an eruv.

They offered to help with my kids and bring us something kosher from the local bakery, and were thrilled for us when a kosher deli opened in town.

And this, for me, was the best surprise.

Have you ever been in a situation where you learned a lot about a different type of Jew?