This is the post I didn’t want to write.

I wanted to pretend it wasn’t a problem.  Wasn’t an issue.  Wasn’t the elephant in the room.

The first time I heard this accusation I was flummoxed.  What?  Of course Reform Jews are Jewish.  Where did that even come from??  Where do people even get these things from??  How do people believe these things about us?

But I think I understand things a little better now.  And that’s good news and bad news.  This blog has helped crystallize for me what exactly the issue is.  In Judaism, there’s a teaching:

I’ve learned much from all my teachers.  But from my students most of all.

That’s how I feel about all those who read and comment on this blog.  And here’s what I’ve learned (and please hang on to the end; this is like a geometry proof.  If you hate geometry, hang on anyway; it’s like a recipe):

1. Orthodox people define Judaism very technically.  Either you’re born to a Jewish mother, or you convert according to halacha (Jewish law).

2.  However, Reform Jews (I think) define Judaism more conditionally.  If you feel Jewish, act Jewish, raise the kids Jewish, were raised Jew-ish, you’re Jewish.

3. In some cases, the Orthodox view will be more inclusive (like when a born Jew celebrates Christmas, wears a cross, burns the Israeli flag, and eats pepperoni pizza, he’s still as Jewish as Moses, according to Orthodox philosophy).

4. In some cases, the Reform view will be more inclusive (like when someone is born to a Jewish father but not a Jewish mother, he is still Jewish if he behaves Jewishly, according to Reform philosophy).

5. Therefore, since Reform Jews tie identity with behavior, they think Orthodox Jews do, too.

6. Therefore, a Reform Jew who isn’t very observant might assume that the Orthodox don’t consider him Jewish, since he figures that if he were Orthodox, he wouldn’t consider himself Jewish.

7.  This is not true, since the Orthodox tie identity to technical status only (while acknowledging that observance is very important but simply not a condition for status).

8.  That’s the good news.

9.  The bad news is that since Orthodoxy asserts that only technical status determines Jewishness, conversion can become a sticking point.

10.  However, this is highly dependent on personal circumstances and each situation is taken case-by-case.

11.  Finally, I consider issues of personal status to be extremely private and unless there’s a practical reason that someone is asking me or needs to be told for halachic (Jewish law) reasons, I don’t intervene in this area.

12.  Of all the things I deal with in Jewish education, this is by far the most sensitive and potentially hurtful: who is and isn’t a Jew?

13.  I wish I never had to hurt anyone’s feelings and that my religious beliefs and standards never had to make anyone feel bad.

14. In the vast majority of cases, they don’t.

How are you used to thinking about identity – Jewish (technical) or Jew-ish (behavior-based)?

UPDATE: May 8, 2012 – Due to the unprecedented number of comments below, you must scroll to the bottom of the page and click “load more” to view the more recent comments.

1996.  Shaarei Tzedek Hospital in Jerusalem.  I’m in for baby #2 when an Israeli midwife asks me in Hebrew:

“G’veret… lama hanashim hadatiyot ainam m’kallelot k’shehaim yoldot?” 

Which means: Lady, why don’t you religious girls curse when you’re giving birth?

Which is a question you’ll only hear in a delivery room in Israel!!

But it did get my wood burning.  People curse for a variety of reasons.  For shock value.  To express frustration or anger.  Out of habit.  But there are a wide variety of words that can shock and express frustration that are not considered profane.  When pushed, tired, overwhelmed, or mad, your brain will reach for the most satisfying bad word it can find and offer it up to your mouth.  Whatever comes out of your mouth will depend on what is stocked in your brain.

If you’re not reading it, saying it, listening to it, or thinking it, it’s not in your inventory, and your brain will come up with the most satisfying word that IS there (like “idiot,” “stupid”).

The other thing is: self-control is a huge part of being religious.  Think before you eat.  Think before you act.  And yes, think before you speak.  Is it nice?  Is it true?  Is it kosher?  So even the act that seems impulsive of having your brain spontaneously reach for a nice juicy word, is often going to be deferred by that process.

There are lots of reasons why profanity is bad for your soul, and bad for the souls of your listeners.  I don’t think anyone would argue that it advances one’s spirituality.  And many people that swear sometimes find that they slip or goof in uncomfortable situations, or in front of their kids (just taught junior a great new vocab word there).

What I don’t really understand is why people curse when they’re NOT pushed, not overwhelmed, not trying to insult someone in the worst way they know how.  Just in calm, casual conversation.  What is that about?  And, if you’ve gotten used to profanity, do you just get jaded?  Like, do you find yourself reaching for even more incendiary speech when you really need to make a point?  Then what?

Thoughts?

Dennis Prager.  You either love him or hate him.  Since I’m not into politics, I find his political stuff kind of boring.  But his theological and people stuff?  Fascinating.

So I’ve got him on the radio on Thursday – the Seder was the following day and I’m driving around on some final errands with Dennis on the radio.  I pull into the store I need but I can’t turn the car off because I can’t stop listening.  BTDT?

A guy called in and is telling Dennis this (subject to my memory):

Dennis, I’m a liberal Reform Jew from New Jersey [Dennis himself is sort of a Reformadox Jew and is very outspoken about his Judaism].  In college I became an evangelical Christian and I eventually met a Christian woman.  Well, her values are very conservative and she’s a Republican, and Dennis, I gotta tell you, sometimes I just feel like I’m in a mixed marriage.

He went on to describe some of their differences and how he is finding himself coming around to her way of thinking, etc.  While I’m thinking, gosh, when I hear someone say mixed marriage, the first thing I think of is Jew/Christian.  This guy did not appear to be conflicted about his religious crossover but his political crossover was a big deal.  What a leap for me to even try and understand that!

My husband was once talking to a family prior to a bris (he’s a mohel, and yes, we’ve already heard that joke).  The dad was describing his son, who had become religious.  “Rabbi,” he said, “It was so hard for our family.  I would have EVEN preferred that he become a  REPUBLICAN!”

Which was extraordinarily enlightening for us, on a few fronts.  One, how very, very awful it can feel to Jewish liberal family members when “one of theirs” becomes religious, and two, how very, very wrong it seems to Jewish liberal folks to be a Republican.  (And finally, the things people will say to Rabbis could fill a book.)  Which is worse?  I guess it depends for whom.

Is religion, then, the culture, and political ideology the religion, as Dennis asserted after the call concluded?  Would your family consider it worse if you married “out” religiously or politically?

One of the things that interest me greatly about liberal Judaism is a sort of generalized agreement that intermarriage is something to avoid as a nation.  I’m not really sure where this fits into liberal “as long as we’re good people” kind of thinking.  And in my unofficial research, I find most Jews that think intermarriage is unwise are hard-pressed to come up with a solid reason WHY.  Is this attitude, that intermarriage ought be avoided, fading with time in our post-modern world?

What do you think?