Uncategorized Archives - Page 55 of 59

Sparklers forming "15" with motivational text.

Uncategorized September 5, 2011

To Fight is To Lose

If you have kids, and your kids fight, pay close attention.

How does it feel when our kids fight? We raise them; we give them everything we’ve got. We give them our sleep, our food, our best decades. We give them our money and our time and our brain cells and our non-gray hair.

And they fight.

They fight for the dumbest reasons. They fight out of boredom, for attention, or for competition. They fight out of anger, jealousy, and for no reason whatsoever. They fight because they feel that it is safe to fight with one another, as opposed to outsiders. They fight because they don’t dream that they are wrong.

And so, they fight.

And when they fight, we crumple.

Us adults, with our psycho-savvy, and with our dual degrees, and with various self-help books memorized in part, crumple. Admit it, parents: it brings you to your knees.

Nothing feels worse than our children, flesh of our flesh, blood of our blood, carrying our very DNA, not to mention each other’s, turning against one another.

Well, well.

If God is our Father, and we are His children, why, oh why, do we do it… to each other?

When will the madness end?

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Uncategorized September 4, 2011

What You Want Other Jews To Know About You: Need Input

Hi dearest readers,
Firstly allow me to say thank you for reading my blog and for all your positive feedback.
Secondly, I need your help. I’d like to do a series on “What would you like Orthodox Jews to know about you?” and “What would you like non-Orthodox Jews to know about you?”
Can you submit any tidbits?
If so please either post below, or email me at Ruchi@jewishfamilyexperience.org.

Thanks!
Shavua tov! Gut voch!

White Bosch kitchen mixer on countertop.

Uncategorized September 2, 2011

More Ortho-isms: The Abbreviation Quagmire

So not only are there all these Hebrew words and phrases that people expect you to understand, there are ABBREVIATIONS for them. In Hebrew, and, thanks to Facebook and texting, in English. Yes. That’s right. Obscure Hebrew and Yiddish phrases, abbreviated into English. What, you find that confusing?

So for the benefit of all my readers, here goes:
*Note: the quotation marks are an approximation of two small lines that appear in the Hebrew abbreviations, similar to the apostrophe used for a contraction in English. The difference is that these abbreviations are not really contractions OR abbreviations, but rather acronyms. However, in Facebook and textese, the quote marks are generally dropped. What, you find that confusing?

1. BDE

It stands for:
Baruch dayan emes, which means “Blessed is the true judge” in Hebrew.

Usage:
This phrase is used when you’ve heard that someone has passed away. The following Facebook post, for example: “So sorry to hear about your grandpa! BDE! How are you guys doing??”
When you are in the know, you will know exactly what happened to Grandpa and not be stuck posting things like: “???” “What happened??” “Does he need help?”

The significance:
Judaism teaches that we must bless God for the bad as well as the good. Quintessential bad news is that someone has died; therefore the custom has arisen to bless God, as the true Judge, even when the news is truly lousy.

2. BSH”T or BSHT”UM or some such combo

It stands for:
B’shaah tova, which is Hebrew for “may it be in a good [fortunate] moment,” or “Bshaah tova u’mutzlachas/t” which means “may it be in a good and successful moment.”

Usage:
This phrase is used when you hear that someone is pregnant, or when they tell you they are. NOTE: Not when you see someone and think they’re pregnant. Just ignore that thought right off the bat. Example:
Text – hey do u know any birthing coaches im like due any day
Reply – seriously!!! bsht! I had no clue!

The significance:
Most people think you wish “Mazel tov” here but that is actually an error. Mazel tov is said when the baby is born – the notion here is that we, ah, don’t count our chickens before they hatch. Put another way, it’s considered presumptious to just assume that everything will be fine – so we wish that when the good news does, actually happen – it should be just the right time, not too soon and not too late.

3. B”H, IY”H, B”N – see #1, 2, 3 respectively here.

4. BS”D

It stands for:
B’siyata d’shmaya, which is Aramaic (oh yeah, I forgot to mention there is a third language to contend with here…) for “with the help of Heaven.”

Usage:
This phrase is used in abbreviated form in either Hebrew or English letters at the top of a page to indicate that the work or planning that went into whatever is written on the paper was done with God’s help; or it’s used conversationally, indicating that God’s help is needed in our lives.
Example: “The whole renovation was literally b’siyata d’shmaya – every time I needed to pick something out, I found it on sale somewhere!”

The significance:
Judaism teaches that we need God’s help for success in any endeavor. This phrase reminds us and others that we don’t take credit for our achievements – God’s help was and is key.

5. ZT”L/OBM/A”H

I KNOW THESE DO NOT LOOK LIKE SYNONYMS.
They don’t even look remotely related. Yet they all refer to roughly the same thing.

It stands for:
ZT”L: Zecher tzaddik l’vracha – Hebrew for “may the righteous one be remembered for a blessing.” Used more when referencing a known scholar or Torah sage.
OBM – Of blessed memory. That was an easy one.
A”H: Alav (or aleha) hashalom – Hebrew for “may peace rest upon him/her” – you got it, it’s what we say when referencing someone that has passed away.

Usage:
This phrase is used both in speech and writing. You may notice the ubiquitous OBM on a yahrtzeit plaque, whereas ZTL or AH would appear in a publication more geared for the Hebrew-and-Yiddish-familiar-public. Example: can’t believe today is my grandpa’s ah yarhtzeit already… miss him so much!!!

The significance:
Judaism teaches that a person who passes away does not disappear – his/her memory brings blessings to the world. Also, his/her soul, we pray, finds peace in the world to come. Yes, Judaism believes in heaven and hell – another talk for another day.

6. FFB

It stands for:
Frum from birth. “Frum” is a Yiddish word that is synonymous with religiously observant, or Orthodox.

Usage:
This phrase is used identify oneself as having grown up Orthodox one’s whole life, as opposed to BT – see #7.

The significance:
Not so much significance here, other than eating your pasta with ketchup instead of marinara and drinking seltzer and having pizza with fries (I’m learning). Also talking like a New Yorker even if you’re not one, and bungling various prepositions due to your ancestors having spoken Yiddish as their first language.

7. BT

It stands for:
Baal teshuva, or baalas/t teshuva. This literally means “master of return” – returning to one’s authentic self, or to the ways of one’s ancestors. It refers to someone who becomes observant in their adult life.

Usage:
“Hey – are you FFB or BT?”
Note: some people don’t mind being organized this way, and some do. If you find that people are vague while you’re trying to play Jewish geography, keep this in mind. Some people find their background and history cool, and some would rather bury some of the memories. Tread carefully.

The significance:
Judaism teaches that people who make significant changes in their lives in order to reach a deeper spiritual place, will merit unprecedented reward. I find that kind of cool. I get no credit for bypassing McDonald’s, but someone who still craves it, gets lots.

That having been said, I’ll wish you all a lovely Shabbat… ttyl, ffb’s, bt’s, and jig (jews in general)!

Uncategorized August 31, 2011

Ortho-isms

To facilitate love, peace, and common language, below please find a list of common words and phrases in the Ortho-dialect:

1. Baruch Hashem

Pronounced:

Ba-RUCH ha-SHEM. Often mispronounced as one word: “bruchashem.”

It means:

“Blessed is God” and is often used to respond to the questions, “How are you?” “How was your day?” or “What’s happening?” It’s meant to give thanks to God that we are doing OK, or even if we’re not. Depending on context and the speaker, it can be used synonymously with: “Great, thank God,” “Terrible, thank God,” or even “Let’s not go there.”

This phrase is important because:

It recognizes a basic belief in Judaism – that everything that happens comes from God and He must be thanked and recognized.

English alternative:

Thank God. (Note: this too has the powerful ability to freak people out, as it contains the G-word, so tread carefully.)

Fun trivia: some newly religious Jews famously use this phrase as often as teens say “whatever”; many religious Jews have this phrase so ingrained in their instinctive vocabulary that they are completely unaware when their listeners have no idea what it means, and are, in fact, freaked out by its repetitive usage.

2. Im yirtzeh Hashem

Pronounced:

Im-YEAR-tzeh ha-SHEM. Often mispronounced as one word: “MEAR-tza-SHEM.”

It means:

“If God will desire it to be” and is often used in conjunction with making plans, large or small. It’s meant to acknowledge that, in fact, man plans and God laughs, or at least has a say in what actually will come to fruition and what will not, and that us humans are fallible and myopic. Usage: “Sure, see you at Starbucks tomorrow at 3 then, im yirtzeh Hashem.” Or: “I would really like to become a surgeon one day, im yirtzeh Hashem.“

This phrase is important because:

It recognizes that God is in charge of life.

English alternative:

God willing, please God (this is such a cute phrase; seems to be indigenous to South Africa.) Note: this too has the powerful ability to freak people out; see #1.

Fun trivia:
Sometimes I will just think this phrase in my head and not actually say it, if I sense my audience may, indeed, freak out, but I don’t want to be disloyal to my beliefs that this must be somehow acknowledged.

3. Bli neder

Pronounced:
Blee NEH-der

It means:
“Without a promise” and is often used when committing to do something, go somewhere, etc.

Usage: “I will make you two cakes for the party, bli neder.”

This phrase is important because:
Judaism teaches that the words that come out of our mouths are powerful, and that if we don’t stipulate that a vow is not intended, we may stand in violation of a promise made and not kept. This is very serious in Jewish philosophy, so the phrase states clearly that this is not a promise and not a vow.

English alternative:

I’ll try my best.

4. Vort

Pronounced:
Phonetically (!)

It means:
“Word” and is often used to describe, believe it or not, an engagement party. It literally refers to the “word” of Torah (the Hebrew equivalent would be “dvar [Torah]” which means a word of Torah) that the groom says at the party to make his fiancee so proud of the Torah scholar she is marrying. Usage: “I’m out of town next week – I’m going to NY for my sister’s vort.”

This phrase is important because:
Marriage is a super-important milestone in Judaism, and the beginning of that journey is engagement. So, we celebrate! How? With lots of food, and words of Torah.

English alternative:

Engagement party (but it doesn’t really do justice).

Fun trivia:
Non-Orthodox folk are generally surprised at how many vorts we go to!

5. Gut voch/shavua tov

Pronounced:
Gut VUCH (yiddish) or sha-VOO-ah TOV (Hebrew)

It means:
“Good week” and is used Saturday night after Havdala to wish one another that the upcoming week be a good one. Usage: “Gut voch! Shavua tov! Who wants to go out for pizza?” “Hi, gut voch – is there Sunday school tomorrow?”

This phrase is important because:
It is the transition from the Shabbat to the mundane week – it is also a blessing of goodwill – always appreciated.

English alternative:

Have a great week (but it doesn’t really do justice either).

Fun trivia:
Saturday night, when this wish is generally offered, has its own special name: Motzei Shabbos – literally, the outcome of Shabbat. Nice way to look at it. I’ve heard that perhaps the reason that people have the “itch” to go out Saturday night (whether they’ve observed Shabbat or not) is that there is an “extra soul” that visits us over Shabbat, and it departs with Havdala, leaving us feeling kind of empty and itchy for action.

So, baruch Hashem that’s it for now! I’ll post more of these, im yirtzeh Hashem in the future, bli neder – right after I get back from my sister’s vort!
Shavua tov, all!

What are your favorite Ortho-isms?

Text: "On Independent Women" on envelope background.

Uncategorized August 30, 2011

Ultra-Orthodox

Ever heard this term? What does it mean to you?

Uncategorized August 29, 2011

Why Can’t Orthodox Women be Rabbis?

Received this from a friend of an acquaintance of my husband’s.

I don’t know the questioner, but I do know she is a woman who has been doing some extensive learning about classical Judaism.

The questioner is referencing the recent controversy around ordaining Orthodox women rabbis and what title might be used therein.

The email is printed with all errors. Since I don’t know the questioner, I didn’t want to alter her words at all.

“First of all – what is the big fuss about a woman having a title?? Maybe

it’s because I grew up secular and am a grad student, but in my mind if a

woman does the same learning, she should at least be able to have some sort

of title attesting to that. It would be like me going to grad school and not

graduating with a degree. It looks like there are a few “orthodox” female

rabbi type people (Shlomo Carlebach ordained a couple I believe), and I

don’t see what the big deal is. They aren’t leading men in prayer, or doing

the minyan thing, they studied a long time, and they got some kind of

smicha…..why the controversy? Does it say in the Torah woman can’t be

religious leaders?

“I spoke about this with Leah once and she said “well there are female

religious leaders, they are just called Rebbetzins” and also “why do women

need a title? just being learned is good enough to do lots in the

community”….yes BUT first of all, a Rebbetzin is married to a Rabbi and

gets that title through the her relationship not of her own learning merits.

Not to say there aren’t great rebbetzins out there, but it is not a title

given due to completion of a rigorous program of study, nor is it something

the wife of a business man has ( no matter how learned she is). For the

second issue, I guess I just don’t understand why they wouldn’t be given a

title of some sort – they did the learning, they put in the work, why deny

them acknowledgment of that? Sure men learn without becoming Rabbi’s, but if

she wants to work with people and be a religious leader full time why not

let her have a title that makes her work easier?

“Personally, I would be stoked to learn from a woman, especially the whole

bedika cloth thing and whatnot – she would be the natural person for that I

would think. I have an acquaintance down here that is a girl rabbi ( not

orthodox obviously ;), she is soooooooo freaking awesome – she has had this

amazing life – daughter of a rabbi from a long line of rabbi’s, highly

educated, used to be an electrical engineer, sky diver, all around cool

lady, and super educated on jewish stuff….well educated to the extent she

found teachers to teach her. I just wish there were women teachers like that

in orthodox judaism. Anyways, if you can help me understand all this I would

be very grateful.

“I know I am writing with lots of crazy questions – but I love Judaism and am

soooo grateful to you guys for teaching us!!!! Just trying to understand

things that aren’t making sense 🙂

Dear Friend,

I don’t know you, and you don’t know me. But it sounds like you are right up my alley: curious, passionate, respectful, and honest. I would like to respond to your questions, partially from a place of philosophy, but also from a place of personal experience. I’m not asking you to like or agree with my ideas. In fact, if you grew up secular in America in the past 40 years, it would be shocking for you to even be able to stretch yourself to hear me out. All I ask is intellectual honesty to see that this position has validity.

You ask, “What is wrong with a woman having a title?” The answer is, nothing, as long as it fits. So should a woman be called, “Rabbi”? Let us discover what a Rabbi is. I am a mom; are you? The title “Mom” is quite specific. It refers to a woman who has either biologically given birth to or fostered or adopted a child and is usually raising him or her. If a man biologically birthed a child (problematic verb right there) or fostered or adopted, is he a mom? No, he is not a mom. He can never be a mom. He can be a dad, an uncle, a friend, but he can never be a mom. A Rabbi, by definition, is a man. How do we know this?

The Torah, yes, that very Torah that women want to hold, march with, read from publicly, study, and teach, has some very deep lessons about men and women. These lessons are both timeless and timely which means that sometimes they may not sync with the trends of the day, but by the same token they will never, ever become obsolete. In thousands of years of Jewish history, the Torah is still practiced and observed faithfully.

The Torah states that men and women have different spheres of spiritual influence. A man’s sphere of influence is in the external, public world, and a woman’s sphere of influence is in the internal, private world. This concept is alluded to in the kabbalistic, mystical sources; in the Talmud, in the midrash and the like. This is the oral law, not the written law (the Talmud and its attendant commentaries). But everything in the Talmud, et al, has a hook and a source in the written law.

The notion that men and women are hardwired differently is no secret to us married folk. But in the world of spirituality, people somehow fail to understand that there are laws of physics. Judaism is not just a warm and fuzzy blanket, full of feel-good moments. It’s not just haroset and matza balls. Just as science, physics, and the USA have laws, Jewish spirituality has laws. If you follow the laws you can reach a most exalted spiritual place.

The notion of external/internal spheres of influence affects both how men or women are influenced, and how they influence. We see this difference in our very biological anatomy. A man’s anatomy, his life force, is external and visible. A woman’s anatomy is internal and private. She accepts within her body the life giving force, nurtures it within, and creates life thereby. This is not an accident. All spiritual realities have their parallel in the physical world.

My friend, the Torah, yes, once again I reiterate, that very same Torah that everyone wants to hold, march with, read from, study, and teach, tells us that a man will find his main spirituality through public and external service, and that a woman will find her main spirituality through private and internal service. What this means in practical terms in 2011 is that the public place of Judaism, the synagogue, is the place that men will shine, and the private place of Judaism, the home, is the place that women will shine.

Is one better than the other? What’s better, funner, cooler, more prestigious: to shine at the synagogue or to shine at home?

Do you see that the very question is flawed, my friend? Our goal is not fun, coolness, or prestige. It’s spirituality. What better place to discover our set of instructions for spirituality than the very Torah we seek to disseminate? Do you see the problem here? The problem is not that women are lesser for shining in the private domain, the problem rather is that no one values the private domain simply because PRIVATE THINGS ARE NOT VALUED.

In our society, what glitters matters; secrets are freely shared; the moms, teachers, and other unsung heroes are simply under-appreciated and underpaid; and no one wants to be behind-the-scenes. This is a serious indictment, not of Judaism or Orthodoxy, but merely of where our society’s values have run amok.

Say you have a loving relationship with a friend. The two of you are at a dinner party and you start recounting the funny story of your flat tire, and your friend rudely interrupts you. This is completely out of character; you’re stymied. But you trust her, and she trusts you, so you are certain there is a good reason and that all will be revealed.

See, God and the Torah are my good friends. In their company, I have always felt respected, valued, and appreciated as a Jewish woman. Valued for my intellect and valued for my ideas. Valued for having seven kids and valued for being a teacher of Torah. If God is denying me the title “Rabbi,” well, I trust Him. He’s never steered me wrong. I know it can’t be disrespect or denigration, because that would be entirely out of character and wouldn’t jive with anything else that I know about Judaism.

My friend, I study as much Torah as I can. I teach Torah and counsel couples in crisis. I love God and try to bring others to love Him as well. For all intents and purposes my job quite closely parallels that of a Rabbi. But if you’re not the mom, you’re not the mom. You can call yourself a mom and you can cook and clean and change diapers and volunteer at the preschool and do all the things that moms do, but if you’re the dad, you’re not the mom.

So what is my title? Some call me Rebbetzin. I think that’s a funny title, because there are so many women more learned than I. I don’t want a title. I don’t need a title. Guess what? Any Rabbi becoming one for the title and prestige ought find a new job. Glory-seeking and the rabbinate ought to be allergic to one another.

And too, I want to always remember that the God that I am supposedly serving in this whole endeavor has arranged things such that the internal, private sphere is my primary spiritual path. I pray that I never forget.

With love,

Ruchi

Empty stainless steel bowl on countertop.

Uncategorized August 28, 2011

10 Things To Do On Shabbat

It seems that everyone knows what we ortho-folk DON’T do on Shabbat.

Drive.

Tear toilet paper.

Cook.

Shop.

Check email. Talk on our phones. Listen to music. Watch TV. Oh yeah. We don’t have a TV.

But do we sit around in a cold, dark, silent house all day in a state of hunger? On my no.

Here are some of our favorite Shabbat activities, and why we look forward to this day all week.

1. SCHMOOZE
It’s the one day of the week when no one’s rushing anywhere. So we have time to catch up on all our leisurely conversations, fill each other in on stuff we experienced that week, share feelings and impressions, and just shoot the breeze with the kids in an unhurried, companionable atmosphere. For people that love to chat (me) this is awesome.

2. SNOOZE
We go to sleep early Friday night. We sleep in Shabbat morning. We take a nap Shabbat afternoon. Need I elaborate?

3. PRAY
OK, if you’re not into God and stuff, just skip this one. But for us, this is a special time to reconnect with our Creator. We talk to Him, whether at synagogue or at home. We have more time to focus on spirituality, and all the other distractions are stripped away. At services, there’s lots of special tunes and songs that say, in a very deep way, Shabbat is here again.

4. PLAY
We play games! Our family favorites: currently we are obsessed with bananagrams. Okay, I am. And I make everyone else play. We also like Secret Seven, card tricks, Backgammon, and Perpetual Commotion. The kids like Risk, Monopoly, Life, and Othello. Oldies but goodies.

5. EAT
We have three leisurely meals. Sorry I keep using that word but it’s so annoyingly accurate. We enjoy Friday night dinner – it usually lasts two hours. Remember: no sports. No phones. No texting. No Facebook. It’s multi-course and wonderful. Less famous is Shabbat lunch. Also usually two hours. This has the added advantage of involving cholent. I may just need to devote an entire post to cholent. Extremely un-famous: the Third Meal, aka dinner. Also goes by its Hebrew name “Seudah Shlishit” (si-oo-DAH shlee-SHEET. Translation: the Third Meal) and in the corrupted vernacular, “Shalushudis” (sha-li-SHU-dis). That’s a lot of food.

6. TREAT
No, this is not exactly the same as EAT. We save most of our junk food indulgences for Shabbat. Like Oreos. Fruity Pebbles. Doughnuts (my husband’s personal fave) from Unger’s or Lax. Soft drinks. Yeah, that’s fun, once a week. If we did it every day, it would be gross, unhealthy, expensive, and not appreciated. Once a week, it’s our special Shabbat indulgence.

7. READ
This is the time of the week we sit around on the couch and read. What do we read? We get some Jewish periodicals that we save just for Shabbat. Or re-read old favorites. We might do some Jewish texts that we don’t get a chance to check out during the week, when most of (my) reading takes place on my droid or PC. I read books to the kids. It’s a whole culture of reading, and we love it. We read after I light the candles and again after dinner, and again in the afternoon. We work around the sleeping (see #2).

8. VISIT
I run across the street or next door to visit my neighbors for a spontaneous chat. How quaint is THAT?? Or we sit out on someone’s lawn. Or we might walk over as a family to pop in on a friend. No one expects you to call first; it’s Shabbat. So this is normal. The kids run over to friends or their friends hang out here. All unplanned, unscheduled and mutual. Love it.

9. SING
OK. I know for some people this is weirdness, man. But Shabbat is like spiritual Woodstock for us (oxymoron?), every week. We hang around during or after meals to… sing. We hum wordless Chassidic tunes, sing Hebrew ditties from thousands of years ago, and do the Birkat Hamazon (also called “bentching” – this is Yiddish for blessing) which takes us like five full minutes and has tunes for every part of it. We do slow songs with harmonies, fast songs with table-pounding, and everything in between. Sometimes the kids learn a new song at school and teach it to us. Disclosure: when we have guests that are unfamiliar or weirded out by this, we curtail the singing. Wanna make everyone comfy.

10. STROLL
We take walks almost every Shabbat, no matter what the weather. It might be just my husband and me, after dinner, or the whole family in the afternoon. It might be to visit, or just to walk. It might be five minutes, or two hours (see: weather). We usually don’t have a predetermined destination so the whole stop-to-smell-the-roses thing is just built in.

And the most important thing to do on Shabbat is just… to be. As a very wise man once said, “The whole week we are human doings. On Shabbat, we are human beings.”

What are some ways your family makes Shabbat special?

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