Every Friday night at Shabbat dinner, my family does something hard – and very cool.
We checkpoint our speech.
See, I’ve mentioned a few times on this blog that Jewish tradition has a lot to say about what we say – and what we shouldn’t say. Some of the things we shouldn’t say are words of gossip, anger, false flattery, and sarcasm – even if the words are true. Interesting how in American law “libel” or “slander” are prosecutable only if false. But in Judaism, they are condemned even if true. Perhaps, especially if true – due to the damage caused to the subject.
So we’re supposed to watch our speech all the time (gulp). But sometimes, when we want to curry extra favor with God, we do something extra special, and choose a finite period of time – say an hour or two each day or week – to be extra vigilant, in the merit of a loved one that needs healing or wishes to find that special someone or perhaps become a parent. Or in the memory of a loved one that has passed. It’s called a “machsom l’fi” [pronounced MACH (as in Bach, the composer) some (rhymes with “foam”) l’FEE] which literally translates to “checkpoint for the mouth.”
A year ago, two lovely young women were diagnosed with cancer – one is a little 2-year-old daughter of a good friend, and the other is a 41-year-old friend suffering from a recurrence. We decided to do a machsom l’fi each Friday night at Shabbat dinner, for one hour. I promoted it on Facebook and many of my friends decided to do so as well, each in our own homes. I know some are still doing it – we sure are.
If conversation wanders into questionable waters, one of us will inevitably remind the others that we are “in the middle of a machsom!” Or we’ll check our watches to see when we can share the juicy tidbit to make sure we are keeping the hour correctly.
After kiddush, I introduce the hour with a short Hebrew formula. The translation is:
I hereby accept upon myself, without actually taking a vow, to be careful of words of gossip, slander, anger, and false flattery, whether by speaking, hearing, believing, or writing, from now and for one hour, in the merit that the following may experience a complete healing [here I insert their names in Hebrew and their mothers’ Hebrew names] among all the other sick members of Israel, amen.
It is so encouraging that though I am quite helpless in the face of illness, this is something I can do in the spiritual sphere – and at the same time elevate this special time with my family by raising our conversation and our awareness of respect for others to a higher level.
Have you ever joined a machsom l’fi?
This is a BEAUTIFUL idea, Ruchi! I just love it.
Also I'm pretty certain that libel isn't just for malicious words that are false, but anything that is used with the intent to defame or ruin another person or business.
I have never even heard of this, how fascinating. I like the idea of a dinner without any of these kinds of speech, but I confess that I would worry that we wouldn't have much to say (after you remove my preteen's sarcasm, the anger that flares between her and her brother, and unfortunately the adults' tendency toward what could probably be considered gossip). I also like the idea of 'dedicating' the hour spent this way to someone.
We do this for a dear, sweet, wonderful woman with recurring cancer as well. Our guests are always a little surprised when I read aloud the paper provided by JFX Sisterhood, but everyone is open to the idea and it's a great way to start off Shabbat.
Here's another reason why I love your blog so much! You taught me something completely knew! (Know all about lashon hora, but never knew about the specific time thing. Cool!)
Thanks Elle! I Googled it and got mixed responses so not sure…?
Thanks Sbw and Nina! Actually Sbw that's one of the coolest parts: trying it and seeing what might happen. Especially when the person in whose merit you're doing it is someone the kids know, it really motivates. I have preteens too 🙂
Heather, I also involve the guests when I can!
Ruchi,
I suggested this idea (and forwarded the blog entry) to my friend whose almost 2 year old niece was just diagnosed with cancer in her kidney. She loved the idea and thinks her sister (another friend of mine) would love it as well. You brought this up at a very opportune time. Can you please send me the Hebrew text or direct me to where it can be found? Thanks.
That's so sad, Aviva… I'm so sorry. Here's the text (substitute the last few words of course). http://www.jewish-holiday.com/CCHFGazainitiative.pdf
What a beautiful idea, I've never heard of this before! I'm going to suggest we do this at the next Shabbat meal I'm at.