When I used to teach tenth grade girls in our local Jewish day school, a not-uncommon question asked was, “Of course I know there is a God, but how do I know Judaism is the right religion? Just because I was born Jewish? So what?”
I have never, ever heard a non-Orthodox Jew ask this question.
A more common question in the non-Orthodox world is, “How do we really know there is a God in the world, who created this world and cares what we do?” Implicit in this question, and I’ve heard it expressed explicitly too, is “of course if I were to be religious it would be Judaism.” Non-Orthodox Jews typically do not wish for the religious observances of other religions. They KNOW they’re Jewish, they just don’t know where God fits in.
Orthodox Jews typically KNOW where God fits in. They’re just wondering: why Jewish?
Enter convert stories.
When speakers travel the circuit and tell their “personal journey stories” (why I became religious, why I converted to Judaism) I’ve noticed a similar dynamic. Convert stories are like gospel (oops) to Orthodox Jews. It basically confirms and supports what they wondered: why be Jewish? Because here is a person who was choosing a religion, and chose… Judaism. Without being born to it. Orthodox Jews LOVE convert stories. They are inspired and motivated in their born faith by hearing the struggles and journey of a person who chose religious Judaism of their own volition.
Non-Orthodox Jews, less so. They want to know things like: okay, I see why you left the religion of your youth, but why Judaism, specifically? Without trying to be rude, they want to know: was it circumstantial? If another religion would have found you at the crucial moment, would the conversion have been to that religion? If another religion comes along that resonates more, would you consider it?
Another disconnect:
A lot of converts are converting from one fundamental religious lifestyle to another. This unnerves non-Orthodox Jews. They can’t relate to the fundamentalism in the first place, so there’s barely any point of connection in the story. For a non-Orthodox Jew to become religious, a huge obstacle of faith-in-the-first place must be surmounted, and this particular type of convert doesn’t address it. Faith is in their bloodstream from their earliest memories. In fact, when I read blogs or books by religious members of other faiths, I feel a strong kinship and support.
It took a lot of thinking for me to figure out why convert-stories that left me feeling so inspired and moved, left my fellow non-Orthodox friends feeling somewhat flat and underwhelmed. So that’s my theory.
Your thoughts?
Interesting. So what you're saying is that non-Orthodox Jews are convinced that Judaism is the only religion for them, but can't understand why someone else would choose it. I think that gets into a topic discussed here once before: whether religion is based on truth. The non-Orthodox think it isn't, so why choose this particular religion?
For me Jewish is my identity but not my religion. This actually, based on what I learn on the blog, is not so far off from the OJ strong sense of Jewish identity beyond religion/belief.
Yes, DG. It's their identity, not a truth thing. You nailed it. Why would someone else want to adopt this identity?
For ojs, it IS a truth thing, and converts support that.
Jews who feel strongly about being Jewish by ethnicity but who have no connection to Judaism as a religion find the idea of converting to Judaism baffling. They are also less likely to even think of such Jews as Jewish.
Jews who do connect to Judaism as religion — even in the liberal denominations — are inspired by converts. But some converts are meant to come to us and some are meant to be Orthodox. Sometimes, I meet people who say, "I know that G-d is calling me to be a Jew and I just want to do G-d's will". I am not surprised when they become Orthodox. They have all of this incredible enthusiasm for serving G-d and that enthusiasm is simply not going to find full resonance in a liberal congregation.
OTOH, I also meet prospective converts from this exact same background who say "I love religion and I believe in G-d, but I can no longer be in a place where I am not allowed to ask questions" then I know that we will most likely be able to keep this person and meet their needs.
I don't have time to answer everyone's comments right now. I hope to do so a little later on today, but I just want to say, SDK, that your contributions to this blog are extraordinary.
SDK, I think that's a really good way of putting it – better than I phrased it in the original post. "Jews who do connect to Judaism as religion — even in the liberal denominations — are inspired by converts."
As far as not being able to ask questions, we just had a converted couple speak at our last Jewish weekend retreat and they came to Orthodox Judaism because they COULD ask questions.
This is fascinating, and uncannily totally accurate regarding my own experience and response to conversion stories. Totally! The analysis is so right.
I know it's anathema to most of the people on here, but we have been to church a few times with the kids, and I would end up thinking it would be nice to be Roman Catholic (or more likely Episcopalian, more left-leaning and no Pope) because it is so forgiving and kind, the art and music in that tradition is so stunning, the churches are beautiful, people warm, and I like the theological story. Then we'd be a family with one easy religion, it would be more coherent.
Except I couldn't ever actually believe that Christian theological story, so I can't ever be a genuine "joiner" there. And I realize that part of why I feel so comfortable at the church is that I am there as an outsider/imposter. As the Jew at the church, I actually feel MORE comfortable than if I tried to be a "real believer". I can always say, "Lovely service, nice religion you have here. But I'm Jewish." I can enjoy it from a distance, so to speak.
I have a problem if I go to a Jewish service. Because I'm NOT an imposter or outsider I actually feel MORE uncomfortable. Like I'm supposed to feel something powerful there because I'm Jewish. But then I don't feel anything powerful, and I don't have the outsider/imposter excuse. So then I just feel like a big fake and hypocrite.
I can understand why you might feel uncomfortable at an Orthodox service (where you're expected to believe something you don't), but do you also feel that way at a Reform or Reconstructionist synagogue? Also, your expectation of deep emotion at a synagogue service is just unrealistic. Of course, it can happen, but it's not necessarily going to happen every time. Many people, including Orthodox, find shul a social experience and aren't really thinking about theology when they're there (surprisingly enough, but obviously true).
This is off topic from conversion. I think many non-O Jews are slightly suspicious of converts if they believe the conversion is just for marriage purposes. O Jews know that O conversions require affirmation of belief and are rarely (though maybe not exactly never) approved for marriage reasons only.
Yes yes yes sbw!! Exactly that. Tesyaa, I think for a "secular" Jew, overt religiosity of any denomination is unnerving.
Wait, which part of what I said are you affirming, Ruchi? The thing about feeling like an imposter at a Jewish service more than at a church?
Actually, Tesyaa, I have over time come to feel MORE uncomfortable at a Reform/Renewal service. It's true that my "beliefs" or lack thereof are ok there, it's what I grew up with, I know the prayers and stuff, and in principle I WOULD belong there if I belong anywhere Jewish. But weirdly the fact that I DO belong there makes me feel like more of a fake for not FEELING like I belong there. Except for the Jewish (Reform-ish) camp my kids go to, I enjoy the groupiness and singing there and love family night.
When I talk to the few Jews here I know I tell them that I don't want to go to synagogue with a bunch of non-believers (like myself) because what's the point, but I also don't belong to the really sincere believers. I did try out Chabad recently, actually, and what appealed to me was that I could be an "outsider" without seeming like I totally don't belong. Not sure if that makes sense.
Ruchi, question about terminology. Is a Jew who attends non-O services on a regular basis "secular"? What about a committed, practicing Jew who attends egalitarian services? Is a non-O Jew who believes in God and feels kinship with the Jewish people "secular"?
I think the definition of "secular" might be too broad; if it's just meant as shorthand for "non-Orthodox", it's quite confusing.
You can scratch that last comment! I reread and I think I understand what you were trying to say – that a Jew who is truly unaffiliated with kind of religion would be uncomfortable with any religious service. I guess I read your comment too early in the morning.
Jewish prayer has a high barrier to entry. It's a learned process. If you went into an advanced Chinese literature class and felt alienated because you had no idea what was going on, would it be correct to assume that Chinese culture has nothing of value? I think you would realize that this is probably a meaningful experience for the people who have taken the time to learn enough to engage with that literature at that level.
Re-learning one's own culture and finding one's place in it is valuable, but it requires effort. If you took 1/10 of the intelligence and effort that you have surely applied to secular learning and offer it to any aspect of Judaism that interests you, I think you would have a very different experience.
When you are fluent with the prayers, it's more of a meditative experience than an intellectual one. If I sat there thinking "Do I really believe that we should malign heretics? Do I really believe that we will be resurrected from the dead?" I would not make it through. Of course, I have thought about both of those things and come to m own understanding of them. But I don't have those conversations with myself while praying.
The traditional, Hebrew, service doesn't work for a lot of people. Some people love Torah study but struggle with prayer and for others, it's the opposite. Some people come to shul and essentially meditate in a nice space where they feel connected to others. Some people just cannot relate to Judaism as a religion but they do relate to Jewish culture.
I don't feel that I can say what will work for another person. I don't feel that one path is superior to another. But I do feel a bit frustrated when I meet intelligent, non-observant, people who say "I just don't know enough" or "It just doesn't do anything for me" when they haven't tried to learn anything about it as an adult. They would never say that about Chinese literature.
I understand the meditative qualities of prayer, but I cannot bring myself to say words I don't believe in. I find other solitary activities to be soothing in the way prayer used to be.
I don't have a problem saying words I don't believe in, strangely. I only have a problem if someone thinks that my saying them "means something". I can sing along to a Christian hymn if it's beautiful, and mumble along with Hebrew or English Jewish prayers that I don't buy. That is not, however, where the feeling of being a hypocrite comes from. The hypocrite feeling comes from people thinking I "belong" when I don't.
I think in this situation, if you want to belong, you have to pretend you belong… after a while, you WILL belong. I'm thinking you may not WANT to belong, and that's OK, except when you have to attend something where you get this "hypocrite" feeling.
You have it exactly, I don't WANT to belong, so I'm most at home where either it's obvious I don't or I know myself that I don't. I am at home in not-belonging. When Ruchi posted the fill-in-the-blank exercise in what we most worry about with regard to how others see us in our Judaism and so on, my answer was something like that I don't want to be pigeonholed. This might be, however, my own problem instead of a secular/Reform Jewish phenomenon.
to SDK – I'm not sure I understood exactly, but have seen many non-observant adult Jews struggle with a conflict which may be what you described. On the one hand, they have decided they would like to learn more about Jewish ritual, observance, maybe come to shul on a holiday…but they feel so foreign there, it is so awful for them to be in a place where they are unfamiliar, even the kids know more than they do. These are people who are used to being fluent, successful, maybe even at the top of their game in other area of life. If it was studying Chinese, they would feel OK about being beginners, they aren't Chinese and so it's OK for them not to know and to start at square one. But they know they are Jewish and the idea that they have to start learning how to *do* Jewish can be a huge obstacle. For some it means they "weren't Jewish enough until now" or other things like that which make them feel bad. The ones who get started are very brave!
SBW, this is the part that resonated: "I have a problem if I go to a Jewish service. Because I'm NOT an imposter or outsider I actually feel MORE uncomfortable. Like I'm supposed to feel something powerful there because I'm Jewish. But then I don't feel anything powerful, and I don't have the outsider/imposter excuse. So then I just feel like a big fake and hypocrite." I have definitely seen this dynamic play itself out. Secular Jews (and yes, tesyaa, I am using that term mindfully – not as a synonym for "non-Orthodox") feel LESS comfortable with Jewish religiosity than with that of other faiths, maybe because it feels obligational and guilt-inducing.
EA, you nailed it. I so agree. And welcome to the blog.
Regarding saying words you don't believe in, this brings up a huge dilemma I have. Sometimes I feel like calling out the inconsistently in liberal movements where they do things/say things in services that they don't believe in and maybe even find offensive – having bnei mitzvah kids read portions of the Torah that they've rejected as an example, or using liturgy at funerals that describe the soul and the afterlife.
But then I'm like, Ruchi, what are you going to accomplish here? Better to say it and not mean it then to excise it from our rituals…right? Maybe? Would I rather throw out the baby with the bathwater? Wouldn't I rather someone still show up at shul?
What an interesting conflict! Never thought of how that must be for you.
I can also imagine from some non-believing-but-sort-of-practicing Jews that just-going-along-with-the-service-as-written is a way of being Jewish that is more about confirming their Jewish identity without actually worrying about belief. In fact, that IS my hypocrisy issue, more than not believing what I say. I don't mind saying stuff I don't believe, but I do feel weird seeming to publicly affirm an identity that I feel so ambivalent about.
I know what exactly what you mean, Ruchi. My father loves laining and listening to a great laining and I have asked him, how can you enjoy something when you don't agree with [at least some of] what's being lained? And he said he can enjoy it the way he can still enjoy music by an anti-semitic composer like Mahler. It's art, not liturgy, at that point.
I sometimes find myself the opposite situation of the one you describe – when I see someone who is a self-professed frum believer wearing short skirts or other inappropriate clothing, I feel like they're being so inconsistent, even though I myself think it's fine to wear short skirts…
Yes, and sometimes I recoil when I see someone else do something, then realize I've done it too… Doesn't it look much uglier on others?
Inconsistency doesn't bother me because most of us don't live up to our values all the time. I don't, so why should I criticize someone else for it? But in terms of saying prayers you don't believe in, I wonder how many Conservative Jews who sing a rousing "And on the Sabbath day, two unblemished lambs in their first year" in Hebrew every Shabbat morning know that they're singing about animal sacrifice.
The Conservative liturgy (as arranged by people who do understand the Hebrew, of course) describes the sacrifices in the past tense. "Naaseh venakriv" is changed to "Asu vehikrivu". It's not inconsistent at all to sing about one's ancestors bringing sacrifices – after all, they did. (You are right that most probably don't understand the words they're singing at all – but the same is true for a good portion of O Jews too).
I know they put it in the past tense, but still, I think if they knew and thought about what they were singing (and we're talking about a rousing, enthusiastic melody, not just a gentle chant) a lot of them wouldn't be so happy about it. There's a difference between knowing that one's ancestors did something you find objectionable and singing about the gory details as if you loved the idea.
I don't know, people sing all sorts of crazy things they don't understand. Think about the nursery songs we sing to toddlers, which are about death and gore: "Ring around a rosy" about the black plague (all fall down [dead]); "my Bonnie lies over the ocean" [she's in the grave]; rock-a-bye-baby about a baby's cradle crashing out of a tree. And we sing these songs happily and playfully. Why not a joyous chorus about our ancestors sincerely (even if, in the singers' minds, misguidedly) bringing sacrifices?
So I didn't know about Conservative liturgy being in past tense. Here's my simultaneous reaction: Good. They're being mindfully consistent. And: wow. Changing the siddur. That takes gall.
Re nursery rhymes. I don't think anyone would choose for their religious experience (no matter what the denomination or affiliation) to be as vacuous as a nursery rhyme.
A little secret: they've added the Imahot to the first bracha of the amida, too.
The past tense is a fundamental change, to be sure, because it makes clear that these movements neither expect nor desire a reinstitution of the sacrifices. Changing the siddur is not what takes gall; it's the renunciation of this cornerstone belief that took/takes chutzpa.
Semi-related question: Who decides what goes in the prayerbooks in an O synagogue? Are they all completely identical or are there variations? If there are certain quotes from Scripture, why those and not others? Who even wrote those prayers, or are they presumed to come from Moses?
There are minor differences between different groups. Some of the prayers we have today go back to Temple times; some are mentioned in the Talmud.
Tesyaa, I refuse to sing vicious or violent lullabies. But then, I'm a word person. I know there are people who sing songs without paying attention to the words, but I can't do that.
SBW, sometimes groups will add prayers, but those don't form the core of the service. For instance, in Israel many prayer books add a prayer for the welfare of the soldiers. But there's nothing controversial or unusual about praying for someone's welfare, so that isn't a real change.
OMG.
This whole OOTOB blog is valuable. A number of its posts could win awards in different categories. But this particular post is the most insightful, intelligent post on the entire site.
Wow. I'm so touched! Thank you.
I am not a convert, but at times feel similar to a convert. I agree that it was fairly easy to make the transition into Orthodoxy, as I was raised in a fundamentally religious lifestyle. The concept of faith was always there for me, but I never had any faith in the religion of my upbringing and early marriage years. When I did finally find out where I actually belonged, it all made sense, and the questions I had were answered, B'H.
Chava, I'm really intrigued. Can you elaborate?
Really interesting!
So, Ruchi, what you're saying is that the Orthodox girls never doubt the existence of God but the non-Orthodox girls do yet have no trouble identifying as Jewish regardless?
From my perspective as a Conservative Jew with quite a few connections to Orthodox groups and a strong belief, I see something a little different. I see the kids feeling Jewish, believing in God and yet not believing that that precludes having a spouse of a different faith or going to a different denomination within Judaism. Like from Conservative to Reform, etc.
And I do love conversion stories. The only thing that bothers me about them is that my brain (if I could only shut it off!) reminds me that there are also very "touching" conversion stories that Christians listen to from former Jews. I hate to mention that but I've had enough non-Jewish friends mention their "Messianic Jewish friends" to know this is true.
I have never known a Jew with any grounding in their own faith to convert to Christianity. The stories I have heard are always people who grew up with only the trappings of Judaism, without any belief in anything at all, who sought faith as adults. I feel like in most cases they are seekers and they happened to find Christianity first.
This is a very different story than those who convert to Judaism. They might also be seekers, but you have to look pretty hard to find us. Then you have to fight us to get in. I feel that those who make the decision to join the Jewish people are usually extremely sincere and thoughtful people who have been given lots of opportunity to carefully make that decision. This is not the story I hear about Jews who become Christians.
I guess I have to admit intellectually that someone who actually understands Judaism could theoretically come to the belief that Jesus is the messiah, because people are complex and anything can happen. But I have yet to meet such a person.
Once, someone in my neighborhood left some evangelical conversion literature on my doorstep. It came from this Jewish guy who converted to evangelical Christianity and he now runs some outreach institute. What really bothered me was not necessarily that he became a Christian, but that he literally believes that Jews are going to Hell. To me, that belief is the ultimate betrayal.
Linda, I'm wondering if the stories about conversions to Christianity are all about emotional experiences, whereas the stories about conversions to Judaism are more logically based. After all, Christianity focuses on the feeling of being "saved," whereas Judaism values feelings but doesn't based membership on them.
SDK take a look at Girl meets God for an account of the life of a Reform Jew who becomes Orthodox for several years before converting to Christianity and becoming a minister. A tragic story from my perspective, but it gives useful insights into where our community support is failing some people.
Larry, yes, Girl Meets God is a great example, though I believe Lauren Winner is a Professor of Divinity at Duke, not a minister.
In my larger (not immediate) family there's been first embracing of the outer appearances, like Christmas trees and Easter bunnies and now I believe one of my grown nieces probably attends church, though doesn't tell me about it. I agree that it comes from a position of ignorance of why these things are inappropriate for Jews. I also believe that, since so much of my family is intermarried, they start off trying to be conciliatory to their spouses.
Linda, I'm sure they do – everyone questions their faith sometimes – but they're not asking that. Whether because it bothers them less or because it sometimes doesn't seem as "safe" a question to ask, I don't know.
I would agree with SDK that I don't know any people coming from a truly religious Jewish lifestyle who converted to another faith.
So this is interesting: despite the fact than a religious Jewish teen is more likely to ask "why specifically Jewish" than "is there a God," it is a far more likely scenario that that same teen will leave religion altogether than adopt another faith. Hmm…
Ruchi, in the 60s and 70s a lot of Jews became Buddhists, and I am sure some of them were brought up nominally Orthodox. You can say that they must not have really understood the Jewish tradition, but I think it did happen and may still happen occasionally.
In terms of Christianity, there is a lot of bad feeling around conversion to Christianity because of forced conversions throughout history. It is extremely rare for someone with a traditional Jewish background to become a believing practicing Christian, I agree. But in terms of Buddhism and other eastern religions, there's not that reflexively negative reaction.
Okay – that's a really insightful distinction. Where does Islam fit in? Also, have you read "Jew in the Lotus"?
Interesting. I am a convert, my husband is a convert [ so are our children]. I try very hard not to tell non-Jews and non-religious Jews about our status. In my 28 years of experience I have found that once these 2 groups of people find out that I am a convert, they often do not view me a a genuine Jew. I usually don't hesitate to tell frum Jews of my status [ if they know me at least a little they probably knew before I told them, any way.]. As long as they know I had a kosher conversion [ no one has asked me for the last 15 years] I have always felt accepted as a Jew by religious Jews. My different worlds seem to be crossing over more lately and I don't think this strategy will work well for too much longer. I feel uncomfortable about that.
I can understand why that would be the case, since Orthodox Jews understand what halachically makes a person 100% Jewish, e.g. kosher conversion or Jewish mother, and that we are a people, not a race. In the more liberal movements and secular world, where people are often referred to as half-Jewish, quarter Jewish, so on, the misconception that Jewish is a racial identity takes hold.
I am totally surprised that OJs might not-uncommonly believe strongly in God but wonder if Judaism was the right religion. Do they even know anything about other religions? Do they think that Christianity might possibly be the "correct continuation" of Judaism?
Separate point: Don't all observant people, regardless of which religion, love stories of conversion to their religion (or also "born-again" stories)? I can see how it would be uplifting and feel like an affirmation of the truth of that religion, but how can an O see a conversion story as evidence of the truth of OJ?
They know very little of other faiths. They just look around and see what a minority we are and wonder: what might millions of Christians know that I don't? They also pray, they also go to regular religious services, they also have groups to help the needy – where's the difference? If I'm trying to secure a meaningful afterlife, I really want to make sure I'm getting it right.
Of course conversion stories are evidence. They showcase people who optionally chose Judaism because they consider it Truth. Maybe I (Orthodox Jewish teenager) haven't experienced other faiths or been given the opportunity to seek all my options – but here's someone who did and found Judaism! The faith I myself was born into! How cool! It's outside corroboration, an independent endorsement.
Mathematically, there are X people who convert to a different religion each year and Y of them convert to Judaism. X-Y of them – the vast majority – are choosing a different religion.
And what about stories like Lauren Winner's? If these kids heard that, would that cause them to have doubts? Would they respect her decision as legitimate for her even while not making that choice for themselves? Or would they just view her as a sad story of a life gone wrong? If so, how does that square with the sincere, wonderful convert TO Judaism?
I don't think the other-faiths-convert-stories would discount that inspiration. Firstly, Orthodox folks are far less likely to randomly hear about them (unless it's an adult doing independent reading on the subject and most would probably not find it very interesting). Secondly, they'd probably just say, well, okay, that's your choice. You don't HAVE to be Jewish. Being a religious non-Jew is great too.
I am not familiar with Lauren's story. In total candor, I would probably read her story with a very focused eye on "what went wrong with her Jewish experience that would lead her to another faith" – meaning, I would seek what she missed. I think if some kids read her story and identified with it, meaning had a similar Orthodox experience, it may cause doubts, but otherwise probably something in between the two scenarios you mentioned. Like: "What a shame she didn't get Judaism in its full expression and felt she had to seek elsewhere… I understand why she did what she did, but what a missed opportunity."
I guess for me, it's not a one-way street. I can relate that hearing about converts to Judaism would strengthen a Jew's faith, but then I'd think about how converts to Christianity would strengthen a Christian's faith.
To christianity, yes, but if from Judaism, my first thought would be, "did she actually experience spirituality in Judaism before seeking elsewhere?" On that note (here I go again) have you ever read "My Year Inside Radical Islam"?
But imagine how a Christian evangelical kiruv worker would view the same event.
True, and to some degree there's a parallel for sure. But like …how does that impact me?
Ruchi – I think I'm driven to engage with you on this (and so many other) topics because it's so much like conversing with my husband. His beliefs are very similar to yours. By engaging with you, I can avoid arguing with him about things we have discussed a hundred times and disagree on. (I won't say we agree to disagree because thinks even saying that compromises his beliefs). So by letting me make my comments here, you're furthering the peace in my house 🙂
In a quirky way, that is one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me about the blog.
I was without a religion for several years before deciding to convert to Judaism, so I can't say I converted from one religious lifestyle to another, but I agree that being raised with a belief in G-d allowed me to maintain that belief during my non-religious period and accept Jewish teachings. I think it also helped that I studied Christianity in my early twenties–by working through why that religion was not the one for me, it helped to wipe the slate clean, so to speak. And it boosted my confidence in my decision to become a Jew.
The reactions I've experienced from non-observant Jews are a bit different than what you describe. The most common one is some form of admiration and expression that I'm a "good Jew," while they are not. I find that interesting because they were usually raised Reform but still seem to hold Orthodoxy as a gold standard they are not meeting.
The much less common but much more frustrating one is when a non-observant Jew insinuates that I had an Orthodox conversion only because I encountered Orthodox Jews and believed what they told me. I obviously don't appreciate being painted as gullible, but it also discounts a lot of my journey. I read books and attended classes from all movements to be sure I made the right decision for me, and in the end, I wanted to be observant and be part of an observant community.
Kate, that's interesting. I do find that non-Orthodox Jews can be impressed with converts – but their stories won't necessarily do anything to inspire or motivate greater degrees of Jewish affiliation or observance in themselves.
Ruchi knows my background….bit complex to explain here, but I'd be interested to hear any thoughts or definitions of 'observant'. I was born but not brought up Jewish, and just over two years ago had – for want of a better description, and brevity – a 'moment of clarity' which jump started my inner Jew 🙂 For a lot of reasons, again too much to go into here, although there are many things which I do *not* do(Im speaking about things which would be part of being frum, very observant, etc) I do small things….my feeling is that I would much rather do something small which comes from the heart, and which I can keep up, than try to take on more than I know I will be able to. I am slowly growing in observance, adding what I can, a little at a time. Making a foundation, I guess. In this sense, I do consider myself observant….though obviously not if I compare myself to so many others. My point is really this….isn't 'observant' a spectrum, rather than one thing?
Alex in Scotland(female Alex)
Hi Alex. I can only speak for myself, but yes, I view observance as a spectrum. When I use the terms "observant" and "non-observant," I am referring more to an approach to halacha rather than practice. A label cannot be affixed or stripped away based on whether anyone is perfect, because then no one would be "observant." I applaud you for your devotion to growing and your method.
On a side note, I love seeing a Jew from Scotland as that is where my ancestors hail from! (Sempill clan)
Hey my friend 🙂
When I say "observant," that's shorthand for someone who keeps Shabbos, kosher, and considers halacha binding in a sense that it informs their daily behaviors. I agree with Kate though, that the shorthand is sometimes limiting and that indeed there is always that continuum.
Question: Why is kosher right up there with Shabbat as a criterion? Shabbat is in the Big Ten, but kosher (I think) is more in the "fine print"? Shouldn't the criteria for observant be things like name-in-vain and that stuff?
Good question. Kosher, Shabbos and mikveh for women are considered the "big three" of observant living. I guess it's a really big statement that pervasively impacts your life. It's a big statement.
Kate, thank you! And Ruchi…you too. Im just a wee Scottish Jew(Jewish Scot) trying to do what I can do. And the more I learn, the more baby stps, the more I 'feel'.
Hi,
Thanks for a very thoughtful post.
I was raised Orthodox and also consider myself Orthodox by choice, since at some point after high school I had to think about whether I was really committed to everything I was raised to do, or not, and I opted in. (Now I think about it, what a Purim-relevant message, kiymu vekiblu…)
In college, out of a strictly Jewish environment for the first time, my friends were always either religious, or even formerly-religious people. Lapsed Catholics understand religious life pretty well even though they have chosen not to practice, and can understand why I would choose to stay in. When I started reading parenting blogs I noticed that I gravitated to blogs written by fundamentalist Christian parents who seemed to have similar questions and ways of thinking about things, especially in that they were interested in their parenting (and their marriages) being part of their service to God, that their place in the world as people of God inform everything they do. That's a language I have in common with them which I don't have in common with non-observant Jews.
The big question for me has been how to develop a true sense of ahavat yisrael with people I feel so different from.
EA, this is fascinating. Just fascinating. I'd love to hear more about your story, if you'd consider guest-blogging here one day.
@EA: I don't know if you'll see this, but I've already repeated your idea of describing "opting in" for raised-Orthodox Jews as "kiymu v'kiblu" vs. the כפה עליהם of parent-imposed strictures – twice. Thanks for the core of my mini-dvar-torah! It was well received, though I felt a bit bad about not being able to cite a more specific source than "someone on the internet." Does it come from somewhere, or is this your own idea?
This is very interesting. I have always been (and still am) fascinated by conversion stories. Not just Orthodox conversion stories, either. I have always wondered why somebody would choose to be Jewish. I also find stories of people who didn't know they were Jewish (Suddenly Jewish: Jews Raised as Gentiles Discover Their Jewish Roots) fascinating. I wonder what I would do if I found out I am not Jewish.
Wow, what an interesting scenario, what a great thought-experiment!
If I found out that I was adopted or somehow not Jewish? I would feel very weird. Thinking through this scenario I actually think I feel more Jewish than I think I do.
I would love to know what others on here would do or feel if they found out they weren't Jewish (by whatever standards they consider that to be decided)! How would that feel, what kind of disconnect would result??
I did this experiment on Facebook once. It was indeed fascinating. If you found out you weren't Jewish – would you convert? How much would it rock your world?
Not new to the blog but going anonymous to protect my family's privacy.
So I was brought up an Orthodox Jew and as a teenager completely rebelled and threw off most of Orthodoxy (Shabbos, kosher, physical relationships out of wedlock, you name it!). During this time I can clearly remember wishing that I wasn't Jewish because, despite everything, I believed deep down that Orthodoxy was the right path and so the only way to absolve myself of my obligations without guilt was if I weren't actually Jewish! And so I remember sitting in my car one day going through this thought process and thinking, "what if my grandmother's conversion from Catholicism wasn't really valid and so my mother wouldn't be Jewish and then I wouldn't be Jewish! That would be great!" Well, I eventually turned my life around and embraced Orthodoxy once again. Fast forward a few years. I'm engaged to be married and my grandmother's conversion comes up. I am the third girl in my family to marry (all Orthodox) and so I didn't think much of it. Then my fiancé drops the bomb that he and his parents would like me to convert because there are some questions about my grandmother's conversion and they'd just like to be on the safe side. Well, you can imagine what kind of a whirlwind of emotions this put me through. It turned out one of my sisters had done the conversion when she got married and didn't tell anyone and so my other married sister converted and "remarried" (thank G-d no kids yet!) and my 3rd sister who was also engaged at the time also converted. And none of them could understand why I was so upset!!! To them it was like, okay so I'll dip in the mikvah! Big deal! For me, I had to actually make sure it was what I really wanted. It took me a (short) while to realize I wasn't that confused teenager anymore and that I was happy and comfortable with where I was. Fast forward 15 more years – no doubts – I made the right choice!! 🙂
Just…wow. What a story.
It sounds like "converting" in this scenario is not a big deal, although Diplogeek and others thought an O conversion is quite onerous. Is it in this context so easy?
If you grew up Orthodox, had an Orthodox education, and have lived as an Orthodox Jew all your life, and if respected rabbis know you and know you're sincere, it's a lot simpler. In this case especially, the grandmother's conversion very likely was valid. In other words, the people were very likely Jewish already so turning them down for conversion would have been problematic. The process in general involves education, which they had had, and a commitment to living according to halachah, which they were already doing. So there was no reason to prolong it.
DG is correct, it was a very simple process here. My family's rabbi didn't feel it was necessary in the first place so it was really just a formality. Normally it is a very complicated process.
As a kid, growing up in communist Central Europe, after starting primary school, I came back home one day and repeated to my mother (a Catholic) a joke the most popular kid in my class had told everyone during recess. My mother got furious, gave me an incredibly stern lecture about how that joke is ugly and antisemitic, and why it's not funny (curiously, I now don't remember the joke, but I remember the lecture), and how only bad and weak people would fall for that. She ended saying "and apart from all those reasons you especially shouldn't give in to that, as your father is Jewish, and your family perished in the Shoah and you're lacking them respect not only as a human being but as their descendant". I remember a strange mix of emotions – a child's shock to see my mother that angry when I didn't expect it; a certain… relief?… to hear named something that I was confusedly aware of, but that had never been explicitly named before; and a huge "aha!" moment, as if suddenly everything fell into place, as if I was suddenly home, as if I suddenly knew who I was and why and how. When my father got home that evening I asked him: "So we are Jewish?", and he replied "Being Jewish is not a merit, so it's nothing to be proud of, and it's certainly not something to advertise". That was the end of that conversation for then and for many years that followed. I grew up with the feeling that it's a taboo subject both within the family and in the outside world, but that I'm Jewish and it's something I was secretly cherishing. I didn't know exactly what it meant, but it was important to me, it was a big part of my mental structure.
Where I grew up, and especially in those times, there was no religious Jewish community to speak of. When I was about 14 I informed my parents that I refused to get any more Catholic education and that I was going to go to synagogue services. Ironically, my mother supported me, while my father and his family went berserk. Nobody at the synagogue that was still functioning in my town ever questioned me, and I was happy to attend and learn (nobody took much interest in me either, which might explain why I felt I was welcomed as part of the community). I did have the notion that Jewishness is supposed to pass matrilineally, but somehow (because I was made feel it was "normal" for me to be there?) I thought it was an idea as ancient as animal sacrifices, from the times where paternity was maybe harder to establish.
In my late teens I went abroad and met an American Jew, and in the course of a conversation he laughed and said "oh, if your father is Jewish then you're not really a Jew!" I cried for days after that, and the guy is certainly unaware that by lightheartedly stating something that seemed so obvious to him, he shattered my identity, my sense of belonging. It caused me pain that I still haven't completely dealt with. And since then I have met heaps of Jews who'd say "But OF COURSE that you're Jewish". Or "you're half-Jewish", which was very confusing for the longest time. Since in my heart of hearts I still identify as Jewish, but know that I'm not halachically Jewish, I now answer the question with a question: when asked "are you Jewish?" I reply "How do you define Jewish?", and say "then yes/no" according to the answer I'm given.
Sorry for this long and rambling post, but it's a circumvolved answer to your question of how does it feel to discover you actually are/aren't Jewish. In my case it's both!
Ruchi, I apologize. I've been so busy working, I haven't been keeping up with my emails and reading. Ugh! You asked me to elaborate. OK. I was adopted at birth, and raised by a Mormon family. My dad was very special to me, but had a deeply strained relationship with my mom. I always knew I was adopted as well. My dad, as I was growing up, taught me all about Jewish holidays, and we read and studied Jewish history in his library. This was not odd to me because we both share a love for music and reading. The Mormon church teaches decent values, but I never believed in their teachings. I married young, had kids, moved away from my home state and began investigating. I came to my own conclusions it was completely false and left that organization, never to return. I've always been fascinated with Judaism, but chalked that up to my dad and his instructions. A little over 6 years ago my dad came to me and told me that there were 3 things he knew about my birth parent. She was a teenager, her name is Sarah, and she is Jewish and the reason he taught me what he did was so I would know a bit about where I come from. I took it upon myself to start from the top, so to speak, and begin learning, slowly but surely. I lived in NY to study for awhile. That's why I sort of feel like a convert. I'm not one, but I often wonder as well, the only "proof" I have is my fathers revealing this to me. I often wonder now, as I am living a completely orthodox life, do I need to convert? That's about it, I hope that clarified things.
This is fascinating. Your dad sounds like a thoughtful, beautiful person. It's off topic and personal, so you don't need to answer this, but in case you don't mind: How do your parents deal with your Judaism? What about your kids?
SBW-
Yes, he was an incredible man. I miss him dearly. He was amazed when I took my children and left for NY, but laughed and told me this: typical thing you would do. You have no fear. I love that. He was the best. He passed away 2 years ago. He was very proud of me. My mother disowned me. I haven't seen or spoken to her in nearly 7 years. Same as with my sister. My brother and I have a relationship. He emails me happy birthday, and I do the same. He will email if something big happens. Like a death or marriage. In regards to my own family. I am married, sort of. Its like being a little pregnant. You are but you can't tell yet. He's been supportive and encouraging through all my complete changes. Almost 2 years ago a major event happened and we live separate lives now, different rooms as well. Trying to hang on, but I'm pretty sure the marriage will end soon. Enough said. The youngest of my kids was 13 when I began on this road. They loved NY. They're happy for me, but none of them are very religious.
Living a religious Jewish lifestyle can be challenging. Besides for the expectations and responsibilities that have always been part of my life, in the last few years a new element has been added to my observance. I am a religious, single female working in a male-dominant, informal, high stress field. Almost none of the people I work with are religious – Jewish or otherwise. It can be hard to stand out all the time, to maintain my standards and boundaries, to know that I am the example by which the whole Jewish nation is judged and to have to answer for the actions of all Jews. I was raised Orthodox and I also consciously choose to remain so based on what I believe is the truth. On a day to day basis however, I think that it is more of the emotional, feel-good, community aspects of Jewish living that balance the demands of this lifestyle and make it easier to keep on choosing to live this way. And the reality of my current situation is that those elements are not always present. I have to work much harder than ever before to find inspiration, belonging and fulfillment in my life. Hearing a convert story affirms the logical aspect of my lifestyle choice. It helps me to realize that there is someone who saw a truth so compelling that they could not give it up despite many attempts of others to turn them away. And at the end of the day I remember that I recognized that truth too, and that it's worthwhile even when it's hard and doesn't feel good.
Thanks to all of you who have shared your stories. Each one really touches me in an incredible way. Hadas: that's exactly what I mean – thanks for articulating it so well.
Wow – very interested that you highlighted this dissonance. I converted Reform in my early 20s….and then Orthodox in my early 30s. I changed a lot as an individual….hence I feel that each conversion was appropriate given that particular time in my life. In all honesty (and I think I can say this here….without being attacked, and please believe me when I say I mean no malice here)….I think that among non-Orthodox Jews, unwavering belief that there even is a God is not all that common. If you want to talk about religious philosophy, I think that the core tenant of Reconstructionist Judaism….the idea that ‘Judaism’ is not a religion….but a cultural and tribal tie, has influenced much of Conservative/Reform (and of course Humanist) Judaism as well.
So for the non-Orthodox, conversion is more like affiliation. Being embraced by the community. This is quite different from Orthodox conversion where you have to complete an entire grocery list of tasks before you are able to make it to the mikveh. Ironically though, even conversion to Orthodox Judaism (and personally….I don’t like that phrase; but rather ‘conversion in accordance to halacha’….but I’m not going to split hairs here) is more likely to be a success with community acceptance.
Perhaps non-Orthodox Jews are not as impressed with conversion stories because to them it really is not such a big deal. Converts are not unicorns. I’m not making any declarations here….it is just my opinion. Perhaps if Orthodox Jews would scale back a bit on the fascination with converts, it would help in regards to our full acceptance and future success in living an active Jewish life.
This is a fascinating perspective. I actually think many converts don’t like the fascination. Like just let me live my life.