Note: the follow-up post on this subject is “What I’m Thinking When The Orthodox Make Headlines,” based on a query from one of my readers in the comments here.
When you’re identifiably Orthodox, you wear your religion on your sleeve. Literally. Either you’ve got a yarmulke or a long skirt but everything you do is a walking advertisement for or against your faith, and especially, your brand of your faith.
When you’re not part of a particular community, race, or culture, all “those people” appear alike to you. You don’t know how to differentiate. And Orthodoxy is no different. So when “bad news about the Jews” hits the world, and in today’s tech society, it’s instant and viral, all Ortho-folk look bad. Of course people are attracted to bad news like bees to honey. Ever see a newspaper full of good news sell?
Controversial articles attract comments; car wrecks attract rubber-neckers; family drama attracts more family drama. That’s how we are.
This week I attended two “very Orthodox” weddings. As I looked around the room at the dancing, men and women each on their own side of the mechitza, black hats and all, I thought to myself: I know almost everyone in this room. They are good people, mostly. Pretty much just trying to do their thing, raise good families, uphold basic values, make a decent living, and be faithful Jews. Many are truly excellent people. Exceptionally kind, humble, giving, forgiving, and busy dedicating their lives to helping others both organizationally and personally. The emotions of joy, love and spirituality ran high in the room.
But then my brain switched to “outsider mode” (it does that often, with apparently no control on my part). I wondered, if an outsider would walk in here, would they think us bizarre? Odd? Phobic? Hateful? Rude?
It’s painful. And I’m not sure what to do about it.
What do you think?
An outsider would think based on their personal life experience, culture, background, etc. What I've learned (as I'm sure you have too) from lots of Torah study (and some therapy, too!) is that when you think something about another, it reflects on the way you view yourself. Bad and good. The view the outsider has would be almost nothing actually about you and almost everything about them. Since you can't control that, you can only control the way you are a kiddush hashem (and that includes selecting the people you choose to spend time with). I think you have to just continue doing what you are doing- being the joyful, loving, spiritually inspiring woman you are, associating with like-minded people, and that joy, love, and spirituality will shine over everything and everyone!
I don't know if there's anything to do about it except continue to interact with people outside of our little bubble, to let "outsiders" see that we are also "just trying to do our thing," much as everyone else in the world is.
While we can't control other people's perceptions of us, but we can control our own, so it's better to behave well when outside the bubble. Be nice to cashiers and service people, put away the cell phone when checking out, smile at people, remember that we are emissaries, so to speak.
Act like a mentsch, everywhere. It's not always so simple, but it's worth it.
you think too much!
Ruchi I think the answer is to just keep being the amazing person you are. Good people will judge you based on that, not based on any stereotypes. As for the others, forget about them.
Truth seekers see truth, violence seekers see violence, peace seeker see peace and so on. Just do what you gotta do and be a mentch wherever you go.
I've been that outsider. My best friend is Indian, and I grew up with her Hindu-Jain family as though it were my own extended family. I have walked into a room where I am the only white person so many times I’ve lost count—arangetrams, Diwali celebrations, weddings, burials and simple family gatherings.
The reactions as an outsider looking in came in phases for me. At the beginning, 15 years ago, I was so afraid of screwing up that I was self-conscious. I was quiet, sat in the corner, and tried not to stick out like a sore thumb. I was so sure everyone was looking at me.
I eventually developed some confidence to the point that I was comfortable observing the differences. This observation was with the interest and enthusiasm of say a cultural anthropologist: this is so cool and interesting! Look at how they do everything differently!
Next came the familiarity that “granted me” the right to judge. This was like seven years into the friendship, but I felt comfortable not just making observations but also OPINIONS. WHY on EARTH do “they” do this? What makes THEM think this is at all acceptable? (Notice my mental language turned them into the OTHER, distinct from “us”/ “me”.)
Sticking around, I’m now in the final stage (I hope): acceptance of who we are, how much we DO have in common as good people trying to do right by their families and communities, and mature enough to understand that people can make different decisions than I would without them being wrong for doing so.
Now, even though I disagree vehemently with the family structure, class structure, and religio-philosophical systems of the Indo-subcontinent… I can advise my friend within the framework of HER culture, without even thinking of inserting my own opinions.
I went to grad school in upstate New York. The cousin of the childhood best friend of my bff (that’s confusing, I know) broke down an hour and a half away while they were on a road trip to Boston. Within 30 minutes of the breakdown, I had a phone call from bff.
I dropped everything, rented a ZipCar for the afternoon, and brought the cousin and her toddler to my home. They were Jain (kashrut has NOTHING on Jain eating restrictions, let me tell you…) They stayed the night, I ran out and bought aluminum roasting pans and paper plates and the small amount of food I knew they could eat. I know, no matter where I am, I could call on any of them for the same.
And, one day, when the time comes, hopefully years in the future, I know I will sit shiva for my bff's parents. They are not my parents, but at the same time they really, truly are. When they call for me, using “Beta” (a word that means something like… my precious/beloved child, like we might say my dear or honey in English to our children), I respond with the same filial duty and urgency that I would with my own parents.
I can assure you, having experienced the warm welcome and the culture of the Orthodox Jewish community on its own terms, anyone who judges and shuts it out is missing out. You are proof enough of that.
I want to take a risk here and ask a question in 'outsider mode', since I'm an outsider to Orthodox Judaism. This blog is one of the very few experiences I've had of feeling (not just seeing) the 'inside' of your Orthodox lives (in all the variations I've learned about here, thanks for all that insight into the differences), and also seen that warmth and caring and humility.
So my risky question is what it feels like from the 'inside' of Orthodoxy when you read about Orthodox Jews doing things that do not reflect love and joy with respect to those not in their communities–for instance in Jerusalem Orthodox Jews have spit on Christian clergy. Joy and love for one's 'own' is a beautiful and admirable thing, but when you read 'bad news' or at least unflattering news, does it make you wish that other Orthodox people would behave more civilly and respectfully to 'outsiders'? Does it make you feel like those people are wrong and the exception, or that they are just misunderstood, or that they have failed in responsibilities to what someone (Larry?) recently here described (don't have the Hebrew term in my head) as representing the Jewish people in a positive light?
Such news reports, to be honest, do alienate me from Orthodox Judaism, but I want to hear from this thoughtful, positive-minded group what you think about such acts. I am, again, asking this with respect, and especially for Ruchi in creating this blog–because I can't think of any other venue where I could actually ask Orthodox Jews how they view such incidents. (I suppose I could show up at Chabad or something and ask there, but the openness I've seen on this blog makes asking the question here easier.)
Bohemian, Sindy,Rivki, and rnf! You've definitely got a point. Thanks for the affirmation and reminder.
Faygie, I seriously laughed out loud when I read your comment – couldn't be truer! However (here I go again), if God made me this way, I suspect He wants me to go with it and not shut it off. Possibly temper it a bit though!
Mikvahbound, your experience is fascinating to me and I agree, a great parallel. Thanks for your warm and kind words and loyal readership.
Sbw: I so appreciate your honest, legitimate, insightful, thoughtful and respectfully phrased question, and I truly appreciate you feeling safe a validated to ask it here. Absolutely that is my goal with this blog! I am going to respond in a dedicated post, because the answer deserves it.
Also because shabbat is coming in 50 minutes!! Shabbat Shalom y'all!
I hope Ruchi doesn't mind me venturing my own answer to SBW:
when a Jew that dresses in a manner that seems to signify his orthodoxy, but his actions show a very different (and not pretty) picture, this causes me to feel very ashamed as well as disappointed in him providing the outside world such a dim view of the real thing (which he so obviously doesn't represent).
Ruchi, loved your thoughtful post.
I have a close friend who does guided tours of Bnei Brak , Israel with the exact purpose of helping Jews understand one another .
I think it's such a great mitzva -there are so many misconceptions . Yeshar Coach and Shevua Tov – Ronit
Personally, I've been on both sides of the coin. I've been to very Orthodox gatherings where I've felt totally out of place, but before I left the States, I had a Presbyterian friend come to synagogue with me for Kabbalat Shabbat. She had had all kinds of questions about Judaism and seemed totally fascinated, so I asked her if she wanted to come along, and she jumped at the chance. Kabbalat Shabbat seemed like an easier first time out than a three- or four-hour block of services on Shabbos morning.
Anyway, I remember wondering what she made of things as the service went on. This was a Conservative service, so no gender segregation, but even so, it's all in Hebrew, people are bowing and moving around during the Amidah, lots of niggunim…. There are plenty of things that we as Jews (all Jews) do as a matter of habit that can seem totally bizarre to outsiders. I mean, tzitzit, tefillin, kissing the Torah… if you're someone from outside who's never set foot in a synagogue before and doesn't know the first thing about Judaism, I'll be the first to admit that these things seem really weird.
Funnily enough, though, the thing that seemed to blow my friend's mind the most was the concept of Shabbat. We had dinner at the house of some friends who are shomer Shabbos, and they were explaining the deal with not turning the lights on and off, and so on. I remember this friend going, "Wait, so… you have a dinner like this every week? And you don't drive or work or go shopping or watch TV on Saturday every week?" We were in the same Chinese program, and she was shocked when I told her that I don't study Mandarin on Friday nights or Saturday during the day. It's funny, because to me, Shabbos is just such an obvious thing, and I'm not really talking about all of the melachot so much as just the concept of having one day where you relax, hang out and regroup for the next week. She's quite a religious Christian, as well, so I had kind of assumed that Sundays would be similar for her, but clearly not. It really brought home to me some very fundamental differences between Judaism and Christianity.
So anyway, I think exposure to people who look at what you're doing and ask "Why?" so long as it's in a reasonably respectful way, is good and healthy. I mean, we should be able to explain why we do X, Y and Z, otherwise what's the meaning of it all? If we can't, it's just mindless repetition. And sometimes in explaining things like that, you can really gain a new appreciation for something you previously took for granted or an understanding of something new. I know I've had friends ask why Jewish people do something, and I'll stop, think for a second and say, "You know, I'm actually not sure." In going and looking it up, I end up learning something new, too. It's mutually beneficial.
SBW – I'd love to see how Ruchi answers you but I can say that I feel greatly humilated and ashamed when people who walk around looking like they are part of what I believe in do things that show how they either don't believe or understand how to act apropriatly.
Thanks RNF and Rena for giving me your views. I'll answer you now and look forward to Ruchi's post.
The news reports about Haredi Jews in Israel throwing eggs and excrement at schoolgirls deemed immodestly dressed, plus the spitting on Christian clergy, plus many other stories, are to me as a Reform Jew so shocking and embarrassing, it makes me feel like Orthodoxy must be another planet away from my world, especially since I don't read much about other Orthodox Jews condemning these acts and don't know any Orthodox Jews.
So it is really fascinating to read that Orthodox Jews on this blog condemn this behavior, although from the 'outside' you appear to share the identity, even the "ultra-Orthodox" and "Haredi" variations. I guess for this reason I didn't expect you to reject these acts so directly. Hm, prejudice anyone?
I look forward to hearing more, thanks all.
Oh SBW, if only our protests would make the same headlines, they are thousands and thousands of times louder in real life then the actions themselves. It's just that, we don't throw anything so no on cares to watch 🙁
RNF, good point.
Rena and RNF: Yes and yes.
Iddecoline, that's very interesting – just read about a guy who offers tours through the Chabad community of Crown Heights for that very reason. Btw checked out your website and your line is very beautiful! Welcome to OOTOB!
Diplogeek, oh boy do I know EXACTLY what you mean. This is me! My brain switches back and forth all the time. I wish I could turn it off sometimes! When I'm in Israel I sometimes encounter communities where I'm like "am I dressed OK?" "Will I say the wrong thing?" Then back here I have to view my own life through the life of an "outsider" all the time. Gosh, it's dizzying sometimes 🙂
In any case your final point is especially true. I've found that my entry into Jewish education has most educational for none other than me. For that I will always be eternally grateful. I've also found that my FFB (always been Orthodox) friends appreciate the "entry level" stuff as much as beginners. We all need to be reminded and re-inspired in what we're already doing, and if takes a newbie to accomplish that – great!
Finally, my response to SBW's question is right here: http://outoftheorthobox.blogspot.com/2011/11/what-im-thinking-when-orthodox-make.html