‘Tis the season for introspection.
Rosh Hashanah is upon us in a matter of weeks, which means it’s time to engage in that self-reflective evaluation known in Hebrew as “cheshbon hanefesh.” Which means a reckoning of the soul.
Each year I try, and delightfully (cough) succeed in coming up with something that I need to improve. As I scan my deeds and lifestyle, there is one thing that consistently plagues me.
Facebook.
Though I’m also on Twitter and Pinterest, I am frightfully attached to Facebook. For someone who doesn’t even drink coffee, being this needy is a new and unpleasant state of affairs. OK, not new; definitely unpleasant. My introspection process led me to ask “why?” What is it about Facebook that I’m so attached to?
Three things.
1. The fear of boredom. When I’m just sitting around waiting for my kid to put his stupid sock on, there’s Facebook to alleviate my intense boredom. Waiting in line at Target? Got five minutes of down time at the BMV? Okay, an hour of downtime at the BMV. There’s always Facebook on my phone to entertain and enlighten me with my friends’ news, interesting articles written by mostly intelligent grownups, or pictures of happy occasions.
What’s wrong with this picture is twofold.
A, what’s so bad and untenable about sitting with my own thoughts? About observing life around me? Why this intense drive to banish boredom?
B, I could easily fill those few moments with far more lofty endeavors. I’m not even talking about reading something spiritual or saying a few chapters of Psalms (although I did always kind of want to be that person). I’m talking about sending an email to a friend, calling my grandmother, or making a list of people to reach out to. Or deciding what to make for dinner this week so I’m not doing the 5 o’clock scramble.
2. Curiosity about other people. I like people and I’m curious about their lives. I love to see what people are up to, what they find important, what they find funny.
OK, what’s so bad about that?
Well, let’s just own the fact that this is just old-fashioned gossip all dressed up in a pretty package. Pretty, because people are posting about themselves, so it’s not unkosher, but nevertheless that same shameless gossip culture is there.
3. Oversharing. This is where I examine what I post and why. I’m a very active Facebook user. I post at least once a day and usually more.
Here’s the breakdown of the types of stuff I post, in order of what I’m most proud of to what I’m least proud of:
*Torah thoughts that I think could motivate or inspire others as they do me
*Interesting articles or videos about Israel, human relationships, or the world that similarly might inspire or motivate, or generate an interesting discussion
*Honest confessions, either humorous (I think so anyway *grin*) or sardonic, about my life or parenting to help others know they’re not alone, make them laugh, and also to seek support, solidarity and love from friends.
*Requests for advice, recommendations, or information
*Pictures of me or my family
*Interesting articles or videos about Israel, human relationships, or the world that similarly might inspire or motivate, or generate an interesting discussion
*Honest confessions, either humorous (I think so anyway *grin*) or sardonic, about my life or parenting to help others know they’re not alone, make them laugh, and also to seek support, solidarity and love from friends.
*Requests for advice, recommendations, or information
*Pictures of me or my family
Most of these things are noble in nature. I aim to show people that in many important ways we are all the same on life’s journey. I aim to show people I am a normal mom doing normal things and that we’re not so different. I aim to bring down the culture of perfectionism and lower the obstacles between us. I aim to educate, embrace, elucidate, unify, and giggle.
The problem with all of this is that I’m always checking in to see if I’ve succeeded. And success in Facebook parlance is likes and shares. Likes and shares are ego-boosters too. Likes and shares is reliance on others for self-esteem. It’s really hard to separate all that out.
So what’s a girl to do? If my Facebook was all about selfishness and ego, it would be clear to me that it’s got to go. If my Facebook was all about Torah and kindness, it would be obvious to me that it’s got to stay. But like most things in life, it’s a tangled, messy mix of both.
A few times I’ve considered a “Facebook fast” but truly wondered about the good things that can be accomplished here. So I’m considering a FBF for the Ten Days of Repentance, starting from the first say Rosh Hashanah and concluding with Yom Kippur (I don’t use electricity anyway for three of the ten).
What do you think?
What are you reflecting on this season?
What are you reflecting on this season?
I can't even begin to tell you how much I relate to all of this! Kol hakavod!
Thanks Andrea!
I like to think of FB as a tool and like any tool, it can be used correctly or incorrectly, to build or destroy. The addictive element can't be ignored though – I try to limit my time to only after the kids are sleeping.
Very true. Good idea! I have little ones and teens… there's never a time when everyone's sleeping!
i think you should take pride in your family. i enjoy seeing family pics of myfacebook friends, it makes it a human experience. and posting requests for advice is not something to be ashamed of. be 'proud' that you know you dont know everything and that you need the help of others. the internet is primarily useful for information gathering anyway, and using facebook to gather information is one of the most noble uses of it! for me, inspiring others is the least on my list, anyhow. just be who you are and just love people. why be ashamed or feel bad by taking pride and being in love with your family and friends? you are much more that an inspiration giver. people will find their own meaning, perhaps moreso in the things you DIDNT intend! that is what i noticed anyway: im practically a professional wallflower. i love to watch and observe. i think your list should be upside down and be labeled " priorities". i lobe your idea for facebook during the ten days though, its a novel one, certainly worth a try.! :0)
Anonymous, let me clarify. The items at the bottom of the list are not things I'm ashamed of posting. Rather, they are less altruistic and more about me. Thanks for the insightful comments, though. They really made me think.
The liking business is something that really bothers me about Facebook. In normal conversation you don't have to tell people that you like what they said. They can tell from your facial expression, your laugh, their tone of voice when they respond. But in Facebook it sometimes seems like I'm insulting people if I don't "like" what they say. And even if I really do like a comment, I don't like being the judge of every comment made by everyone else. Who am I to decide if what you say meets my standards? Imagine if, in real-life conversations, everything you said were followed by the people around you saying, "I like that." And only then would the next person respond (after which you would say, "I like that"). It would not only make conversations slow and clunky; it would be nerve-racking (at least for me).
That is a hilarious scenario to contemplate, actually! I'm just really glad FB doesn't have an "unlike" button.
Ruchi,
Thank you so much for writing this. Firstly, I love reading all of your messages and posts….for me, as a wee 'new Jew' (59 and started out just coming up for three years ago)I get such a lot of information, and help, and guidance: I love how you write….such an open minded and tolerant way. True education, for me. But that's just part of it.
The Internet is so wide and varied and it's very easy to drift along and find myself confused. The way you word things leads me on to discover how I can be the best me…not that I manage to achieve that, but it encourages me to try.
( Just because I can't do "whatever" doesn't mean I should give up….I keep trying, and building on what wee things I can manage, and even if sometimes it's two steps forward then three back(Im back to using battery tea lights for Shabbat candles; combination of forgetfulness – not good to have flames – and the memory of my mothers death(who by fire: how horribly apt that is))
well, Im doing my best, and I know that G-d knows that.
Facebook….I find I have to do a kind of self-regulation. I cant(and don't, and wouldn't) expect the world to adapt to leave out things which trigger bad memories, or panic attacks, or bursting into tears: so, I tend to stay fairly close to my own wee circle.
I had one 'friend' who messaged me to complain that she couldnt find her way through all the posts on Judaism/cats/Star Trek to get to anything which was of interest to her, and that she might have to unfriend me( rather cheeky, I thought….I didn't bother to reply….and she unfriended me)
As far as Im concerned, her loss. It upset me at the time, but I've got more to bother me than that.
Sorry for rambling on….thanks for listening. My head is all ver the place. Just coming up to three months into widowhood, and it's so sore…he would have been 81, on 21st September: by coincidence, my favourite singer, Leonard Cohen, will be 80 on the same date. I get a lot of comfort from his music and poetry.
As you know, my bashert was not Jewish….and last night I found myself thinking"is it ok to say 'of blessed memory', when talking about him, or referring to him? And I thought, well, yes, of course it is. That's me, looking for permission to be myself, again; and last night, as I say, I decided for myself, yes.
That's progress for me.
Thank you, Ruchi
CWM, I like your rambling and always find something truly human and humble to take away. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I especially like this line:
"I cant (and don't, and wouldn't) expect the world to adapt to leave out things which trigger bad memories, or panic attacks, or bursting into tears: so, I tend to stay fairly close to my own wee circle." I respect the way you've chosen to deal with this problem – everyone deals with it in their own way – but it's nice that you don't have that sense of entitlement. I've seen it on the internet and in real life, and it's really unfair.
Of course I relate 100% . . . especially in the issue of banishing boredom and feeling like those five minutes here and there could be used better if not loftier. (What to make for dinner is a great example.) In general, I feel that I could be reaching out more. This has nothing to do with social media on the surface, but looking deeper, the time I spend there does take away from the time I would be calling someone in need a check in or even sending an email or a text.
I am terrified of how intolerant I have become of boredom. And even worse, how my kids are growing up with very little experience of deep boredom (and the resources it requires to FIND SOMETHING TO DO). I know Os have stronger restrictions on digital media for kids than most people. I do wish I had more of a community norm like that for enforcing those kinds of rules on my kids.
I was thinking of enforcing on my daughter the rule that she can text and web surf on a screen outside of school, and having completed homework and chores, for as many hours a day as she reads a book (so as much reading time as screen time). Reading books is really losing out with the loss of time for boredom.
Hey Nina, thanks for weighing in. I'd actually love to hear more thoughts about how to better use those 5 minutes here and there. And SBW, YES. It is scary. I'm sure by the time our kids are adults there will be even more time-wasters and dumb distractions. And yes, we do have stronger restrictions, but it's a tough one. I have no TV (as someone mentioned below) but FB is sort of my TV. Have I gained anything? At least I know I can stay away, whether it's a day (Shabbat) or 2 or 3 (holidays). This restores my self-respect.
Yes to all of this. Even within the altruistic reasons for whatever I post, I do have to deal with the unpleasant emotions of jealousy, self-doubt etc., when something I do doesn't seem to hit the mark. I think doing a Facebook cleanse might make for good perspective (though I'd miss your posts!). I didn't have FB on my phone for a long while, and I appreciated the space it gave me. As you so aptly put, it's a balance.
Right, exactly! I remember once I had my settings on private, and no one was liking the most adorable picture of my daughter! I couldn't figure out what was wrong with her! That self-doubt is pernicious.
Now I feel all superior that I'm not on FB. 🙂 There are other time wasters, but I know that I'd have a hard time controlling FB use. I do sometimes get annoyed when I can't get a coupon or enter a raffle by liking something, but that's the sad price I pay.
In case you can't tell from the smiley, I don't REALLY feel superior. But this post made me realize that just thinking about joining FB doubles my anxiety level.
You should feel superior. I highly respect people when they tell me they're not on Facebook.
I think the way anyone relates to FB reflects, at least slightly, the way they interact in real life. I could care less if people don't like what I post. Sometimes the most interesting things I post get one or two comments and a dumb joke gets 20 likes! Who cares? It's my wall and I post what is funny or discussion-worthy to me. The most I'll think about that is: huh, that's odd. And I'm somewhat like that in real life. I care very little what the majority of people think about me, my decisions, and my interests.
I also use FB to keep in touch with people. I argue with my mom all the time and my sister sends me funny articles about parenting. I find people I lost touch with years ago and catch up on their news! I also like the debates because I think about some issues and get a broader perspective.
I could get really into this – caring about what other people think, vs. not caring… the pros and cons. It's a great discussion. Like, I'd much rather hide someone's feed than unfriend them – because I don't want them to know that I don't read their stuff. FB is *great* for keeping in touch with people. That is perhaps its greatest strength.
I tried out Facebook but once I got to 14 friends it was overwhelming, and I saw what a time sink it would be. I deleted them all but still have a profile (invisible to everyone but my friends, of which I now have zero) for lurking. Ruchi's job is to try and connect to people, so I guess she's stuck with Facebook. I'm glad I don't have to deal with it.
A tip: At work I sometimes use a downloadable program (about $20) called "Anti-Social", which lets me lock myself out of all social media, email and any other website I'm too fascinated with, for whatever amount of time I specify. There is also the similar "Freedom" program, but that is for locking yourself out of all internet activity whatsoever, and I need internet for some work, so it's not as useful to me.
Like MP, I find Facebook useful for keeping in touch with people, and for getting back in touch with people I hadn't been in touch with for years. For that alone, it's worthwhile for me. It can even help me get to know new people. But it doesn't produce deep relationships unless you pursue them outside Facebook as well.
Yes, it's a time waster. I might want the "Anti-Social" program that SBW mentioned, although I wouldn't want to lock myself out of email because I'm often waiting for important messages. Can you lock yourself out of Facebook but not email? It's sad that we need these external guards and don't have enough self-control. I actually love reading, but I spend less time doing it because of the Internet.
Yes, with "Anti-Social" you can choose whether or not to lock yourself out of email. I usually do, but it asks you your preference each time.
I mostly use Facebook to (1) Keep track of old friends. Mostly, I tend to go "visit" old friends virtually, see pictures of their kids, and try to imagine their lives. It's also important for knowing if someone is sick or something serious is happening. People no longer send out email about these things. (2) To keep track of things I was thinking or doing or something funny or poignant that happened. That's the main reason I post — to remember something for myself. Since it's mostly for me, I pay almost no attention to how many likes or comments I get! I don't see everyone's posts, so they probably didn't even see mine. (3) To share news or analysis about Israel, civil rights, gun control, racism, ISIS, or whatever else I'm paying attention to. I try to post very little of this. People can read the newspaper and most people I know already know where they stand on various issues. I am not going to convince anyone on Facebook. I only do this when I genuinely think that the article has new ideas or new information.
Someone that I love dearly recently said, "Why don't you post this because you seem to get more Likes when you post instead of me." I thought "What?! You pay attention to how many Likes you receive? It really hurts your feelings? You compare these things?" It was a totally new idea for me. Tying one's self-esteem to how many likes you receive — even in a small way — seems very dangerous. Just assume that your post didn't show up in anyone's feed — it's probably true!
I actually think FB should have a setting where you can hide the Likes. That could solve a *lot* of problems.
You could also try just removing it from your phone. That would reduce your minute by minute use while allowing you to choose to use your time that way at other times.
I have a very, very difficult time being without the internet. I love looking up and reading information. I am therefore profoundly grateful that our family made a commitment not to use electronics on Shabbat. It was really hard at first — especially getting our child away from the TV — but now it's great. I spend all day online at work and I was spending most of my free time online when away from work. I think we all need to preserve an "analog mode" and Shabbat is helping me to re-learn that setting. It would have been much harder for me to do it with without the structure of Shabbat.
I am struck by how differently you use Facebook! And deeply impressed with your commitment! It's much harder to change ingrained habits than to have never created them in the first place. What an awesome culture you're creating for your kids.
Also, I think it is very different for teens. They tend to care much more about what their peers think so Facebook likes become super important.
A random thought….much as I love and also rely on the internet(agoraphobia and other health stuff), Im very glad that it wasnt around when I was a teenager(late 60s/early 70s) ….I had problems aplenty then anyway, and can only imagine( and shudder) at the bigger mess I'd have been in; peer pressure, easily led, next to no discipline/boundaries at home, yikes….not a pretty thought…