Father, I’d like to ask you the Four Questions. Why is this night different from all other nights?
The first question is:
Why do we get generations together for the Seder?
Because the whole point of the seder is the Haggadah, which literally means, the telling. We’re commanded, “And you should tell your children on that night saying, ‘God took us out of the land of Egypt!'” Which essentially means that if you’re wondering when is the right time to sit your kid down and transmit what you know and care about Judaism, this is the night. So we get generations together so that one generation can transmit to the next what it’s all about. Being Jewish. Being a nation. Being free to be a Godly people.
The second question is:
Why is matzah so hard to digest?
This is a difficult question, my son. But I’ll do my best. You know how “wonderbread” was called that because it was so easy to digest? Matzah is the barest form of bread ever. It’s supposed to be rough stuff. It’s supposed to be uncomfortable. If you don’t like it, that’s a good sign. Eat it anyway. For a week. And see how you do. That’s a teeny, tiny glimmer into being a slave. Kvetch if you must, but that’s the point.
The third question is:
Why do Passover and Easter always coincide?
You are a perceptive one, son. Good job. Easter was tied to the lunar calendar, not the solar one, and thus didn’t have a set date. Due to the way it was set up, it invariably coincides with Passover. More, the Last Supper was likely a Passover Seder – Easter is about Passover in its origin.
The fourth question is:
Why do so many Jews eat kosher food on Passover?
I don’t know the answer to that one, son. But I will say this: observing Passover in some way is an almost universal expression of being Jewish. 90% of Jewish couples attend a Seder, and 65% of intermarried couples do. This and lighting Chanukah candles are the two most widely observed Jewish rituals. Chanukah’s easy: it competes with Christmas. But Passover? Why Passover? Something tells me that Jews sense that this holiday is about our very identity, our infancy. About asking the older generation to give us something of meaning to take along. Even if we don’t identify strongly, we sense that tossing this ritual aside is something of a sacrilege. And maybe continuing the holiday throughout the week, by altering our eating habits, is a part of that.
Can I ask you a question, now, son?
Sure, dad.
How did I get so lucky to get a son like you, who asks such great questions about Judaism?
I dunno, dad, I guess the same way I got a dad like you, who can answer them.
Happy Passover to all my OOTOB readers! See everyone after Passover!
Here is my question. So you have four different sons: wise, wicked, simple and the one who doesn't ask. Why do we knock out the wicked one's teeth? It's a bit harsh, don't you think? I understand that this is the literal translation and there are a bunch of other ways of understanding but shouldn't there be something to be learned at the literal level. This is right at the beginning of the seder. Everyone reads it. Why keep those words in there? I know this isn't related to your post but I was curious to hear your answer and of course it came up at our seder by one of our most inquisitive children.
Hi Chaya,
It's a good question. I'll start by saying that nowhere have I seen an explanation that this can be taken literally – to punch out the child's teeth. But maybe you're asking why the harsh response is called for in general?
It says to blunt his teeth – take "the wind out of his sail". One is not to stand by heresy and let it go unanswered.
I view the Seder as representative of the Jewish experience in every generation. We acknowledge that there will always be those who rise up against us, along with prescriptions for dealing with the four types of fellow Jews we will encounter. (And I agree with Ben-Yehoshua's comment–I've heard before that it was used as a figure of speech, not a call to violence.)
Hope you're having a lovely holiday so far, Ruchi!
yes, I am wondering why it is a harsh response. If I had a child that was "wicked" and asked about this stuff that "I" am doing as opposed to "we", I don't think harshness works. I would think answering in a more loving way. Showing him the beauty, show him why he should want to be a part of this. By answering that we want nothing to do with him because of his "wicked" question (or even wicked actions) is unlikely to bring him closer. You are in kiruv, Ruchi, you know what works. The bottom line is that the simple explanation is harsh, even if not literally knocking out teeth.
I even hate that the child is called "wicked". This is indeed one reason I always disliked (as I mentioned in a comment on an earlier post) the four children. Children are not wicked. They might be badly behaved, or defiant, or disappointing, or immature, or unable to meet expectations that adults have of them. But there are no wicked children.
And no child is altogether wise either. They have insights, but that doesn't make them wise. I'm not sure adults can be wise either. Maybe they have wise moments, but probably everyone I have seen as wise in a particular moment must be childish and irrational at other moments.
And then there's the simple (stupid) one, and the silent one. Ugh. Some kids are silent around other adults but chatterboxes at home. And simple kids can have wise moments. And wicked moments.
So that part of the Seder to me just invites a mean-spirited putting people into boxes. Putting children into boxes. Making children think they are "one kind" of person instead of different "kinds" at different moments. It's bad modeling on our adult parts to read this stuff–wait . . . didn't Ruchi say she NEVER lies to her kids, not even out of convenience (like saying a store is closed to avoid a conflict about going there)?
The four types of children is a lie. Why tell it?
I never thought of it as four fixed labels. When your child asks you a question, you have to try to know in what spirit is this question being asked. Do they want detailed information (asking in pursuit of wisdom)? Asking to bash the system (asking in a spirit of wickedness and rebellion)? Asking from a simple curiosity? Or unable to formulate what they're asking?
My support for this is that the word "rasha" in Hebrew, which is the term for "wicked one" is usually reserved for the most remorseless, repeat offenders in our history. It's pretty unlikely that your young child sitting at the Seder would fulfill that literal category.
All that said, the question remains how do we deal with a child who asks a question in a rude, mean, rebellious way? Back in the day you could and should react harshly – to teach a lesson. All the educators I have learned from do not advise this approach anymore. It's a fragile generation and rudeness should often be responded to with love.
Still. There's a place for tough love here.
Would love to hear other thoughts.
Yes, this is the interpretation that there are not four kinds of children, and instead the passage about the four children is figurative for how people can act in different ways or have different attitudes. But kids are very literal readers. And the text encourages that literalism. It seems to me that the text should precisely NOT offer, when the point is to "teach the children the story", such a literalizable passage.
And why is rebellion wicked? Abraham was a rebel, no?
Maybe when kids learn other contextual truths about the righteous and the wicked within Judaism, it's not troubling. Plus we're there to discuss every step of the way – that's the point.
Same for what constitutes rebellion. It's in the context of other things we know about Abraham and rebellion. It means rebelling against God, bout against the status quo. The Torah describes moral objective truths, not subjective ones.
Good questions and answers! I had always heard that 90% number, too, but I think this year's Pew study has the number lower. (of course I can't remember exactly what)
Ruchi, Makes me think that if it is no longer relevant, perhaps it should be changed. Is this holy liturgy? Pesach seders are for some the only or one of the few interactions they get all year to Jewish ideas and values. For my family, it is really important to understand what this means and what Judaism feels about a son who does not connect to Judaism and is even hostile towards it.
It's a good question. And I don't have a definitive answer. But here's what I think. It IS relevant – because in its purest form, it's the right answer. People who are rude and rebellious toward God deserve a sharp rebuke. However, since in our fragile state, this will cause more harm than good, it's a concession and we don't do it. I still want my kids to know this is an approach. No, I don't practice it in real time, but let there be a bit of reverence out there. I think my warmth and loving approach will counteract the minor hostility experienced by reading this in the Haggadah.