If you’ve ever hosted or been hosted at an “Orthodox” Shabbat dinner, this one’s for you.
At our last JFX Shabbaton, we had a skit called “Friday night live.” We played out the incredible misunderstandings and confusion that can arise when Jews for whom Friday night might mean Chinese and a movie are invited to experience an “Orthodox” Shabbat dinner. It was hilarious.
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| Help! I’m invited to an Orthodox Shabbat. Now what?? |
For those of you that are not familiar, Shabbat-observant folks do not activate electricity or cook or a host of other creative activities, many of which may be surprising to you, on Shabbat. They have dinner that also involves singing (not kumbaya), “washing” (not with soap), “benching” (that doesn’t involve a bench) and some other quasi-freaky stuff. To be sure, the dinner is usually delicious, the atmosphere divine (assuming the kids don’t fight too much and the guests don’t radically disagree about politics and you haven’t mistakenly seated a doctor and attorney directly across the table from one another), the guests and hosts well-meaning, etc. Nevertheless some clarity is in order, as expectations and assumptions on either side may well be…. insanely divergent.
Here are 10 things I’d like MY Shabbos guests to know:
(As an aside: I use the terms Shabbat and Shabbos interchangeably; both refer to the Jewish Sabbath as it is observed according to Jewish law from sundown on Friday or even a bit earlier, to nightfall on Saturday night.)
1. I know you may have driven to my home. It’s a little awkward, because I don’t drive on Shabbos, and you do. The question of whether a Shabbat-observant Jew is allowed to invite a fellow Jew over on Shabbat, when it’s obvious that he will drive, is actually the subject of intense halachic debate. On the one hand, better to drive to celebrate Shabbat than to drive to the mall – no? On the other hand, may I be the instrument of the drive? So “don’t ask, don’t tell” is the way we deal with it. Because even if I follow the opinion that I can invite you despite the drive, it’s much better if I don’t have to give explicit permission. Which is why I try to avoid the topic!
2. I really appreciate the fact that you didn’t park in my driveway. When you parked around the block and walked, you may have felt like an imposter but I viewed it as a respectful act of not wishing to disturb the Shabbat atmosphere that exists in the neighborhood. Thank you! And if you really did walk all the way – double thank you! You’ve honored your hosts and Shabbat, all in one.
3. So the flowers you brought to dinner, and I kinda left them hanging out on the counter? You’re so sweet to bring them… but I can’t put flowers into water on Shabbos. It’s part of the creative process of growing plants. I felt uncomfortable, but didn’t want to make you feel worse about not knowing, so I just decided to hope you didn’t notice. (More suggestions here for what guests can bring.)
4. It’s really OK with me that your kids are coloring and playing piano, activities that are not allowed on Shabbat. I know you don’t observe Shabbos the way I do. They’re only kids. My kids do that too, and I overlook it because they’re only kids, even though mine ARE brought up with Shabbos. Don’t worry.
5. Yes, you’re allowed to flush the toilet on Shabbos.
6. I’m a little hesitant to ask you if you’d like help with lighting candles or “washing” hands before challah. See, if these customs are familiar to you, I don’t want it to seem like I think you’re ignorant. But if they’re not, I don’t want to be a bad host and not offer you info and help. It’s hard for me to know how to strike the balance. I’m not clairvoyant, so I don’t know how much you know. I hope you’ll be OK with my mistakes.
7. If anything seems unusual, please ask! It’s not rude or disrespectful and it makes me so happy that you are asking so the lines of communication can be open. I don’t want my life to be inscrutable to you. Please feel free to ask. Really.
8. It’s great when you involve my kids in the conversation. See, I’m trying to strike the balance between paying attention to them and paying attention to you, so if you pay attention to them, it’s win-win-win.
9. It’s so sweet when you offer to bring something. I know you don’t keep kosher so please don’t feel bad if I just ask you to bring flowers or dessert from a kosher bakery. You might want to check with me which bakery is kosher because “Farbstein’s Kosher Rugeleh Shop” may not, in fact, be kosher. Also, many people serve meat or chicken at Shabbos dinner and therefore would not serve dairy at dessert, even if it’s not together. Just good to know.
10. What we really want is for you to have a nice time. Relax, don’t worry so much about the rules, and just try to have fun. We know you may not be familiar with the customs and that’s OK! We like you and that’s what matters.
11. I know I said ten but I couldn’t resist. If you’ve spent time avoiding my invitation, deleting my email, ignoring my voicemail, and pretending you didn’t check Facebook, please know that if you do, indeed, accept my invitation, you may actually have a very nice time.
What are some things you’d like your guests or hosts to know?
opaque vase! 🙂
mar'it 'ayin?
Personally, I explain the issue of placing the flowers into water and then say that instead I'll just put it into an opaque vase. No marit ayin that way 🙂
When I go out for a meal with my two kids, I'd love to have a highchair or toys (or both) available.
You see, when the house is not child friendly (for little kids), it makes the meal stressful, since I either spend more time away from the table making sure the baby isn't ingesting anything he's not supposed to, with the baby sitting on my lap, attempting to destroy the china, or convincing my toddler not to turn on the printer.
Also, don't give my two-year-old china. Paper plates are fine.
That's all. 🙂
love it! especially the part about walking from around the block where we parked!!! 🙂
I love this. Some of my family aren't as observant as my husband as I and they are amazing – if they are invited for shabbat dinner, they come in time to join my husband at shul for kabbalat shabbat and in time to help me in the kitchen. Then we all light candles together. It's an amazing thing to be able to have my family with me during shabbat.
Other suggestions aside from wine, flowers, and dessert from a bakery is I'll ask people who aren't as observant to bring me fruit (i.e. whole strawberries still in their box, pineapple, melon) so that I can wash it the way I want too and cut it with my knife. However, oftentimes, the company is great and so guest don't have to bring anything explicit.
Great post! I'm trying to think back about what things freaked me out when going out for dinner — most of my hosts knew I wasn't familiar, so they did a sort of running commentary, but they did it in such a way that I felt like they were saying, "You might already know this, but just in case you don't, I'd like to share the information with you so you don't think we're too weird." 🙂
I also totally freaked out at benching time for SO long — I couldn't keep up with them when they were benching out loud, because my Hebrew reading wasn't fluent enough, and I had no idea what they were saying. I wish someone would have said to me ahead of time something like, "We're going to sing our thanks now, because we are blessed to have had such a meal. If you don't happen to be familiar, feel welcome to sit back and enjoy the singing, try to follow along with the Hebrew or transliteration, or just read the words to yourself in English if you'd like."
And as a side note, I wouldn't ask someone to bring flowers if I knew I wasn't going to be able to put them in water. I'm sure you don't do that, but it wasn't clear from your blog post.
I like what anonymous said about benching. I also feel it's super helpful when our hosts bench aloud since I still get lost and calling out the page number is like the cherry on top.
Excellent post. The font on the other hand is rather difficult on the eyes 🙂
I can attest to the fact that you will have a VERY nice time! Don't ignore the invitations! And thanks Ruchi for all of the explanations. A long time ago I brought flowers over to someone's home on Shabbos and I didn't know why they sat on the counter. I thought I had unkoshered them in some way!
Anon #1: were you at WIK??
Rivki: good point! I would sometimes like to give older kids (like 6-7) paper too, but don't want to insult the child or parent…hmm…
Nancy, you made me smile!
Hilary, fruit works great and it's so heartwarming to hear that your family is making it work. Awesome!! You're an inspiration!
Anon #2: That is a very good point. I will keep that in mind. Re: the flowers, sometimes people just bring them without me knowing in advance. Also sometimes I think they are going to bring them before we light candles, when I can still put them in water, but instead (especially in the winter, when Shabbos starts early since sundown is so early) the flowers arrive after Shabbos has technically begun…
Heather: good point re: page numbers. We try to do this, but sometimes forget. Good reminder.
Mark: thanks for the feedback – I made it larger.
And Wendy, we always love having you guys for Shabbos! I'm sure you have your share of hosting stories too!
We grew up with Shabbat dinner and prayers. Always welcome to invite friends. We were also allowed to go out on Friday nights – after shabbat dinner. In our home, now, (assuming we are not invited elsewhere) we have shabbat dinner – usually cooked by me, but sometimes brought in (even pizza or chinese) – and the candles, wine, challah and blessing of the children happen no matter what. When our daughter is away at school, we text her the blessing – maybe a little crazy, but I like to think she likes it. Our kids love having their friends over – and we often have other families. The girls often say how much they appreciate our commitment to Friday nights. I love not rushing on a Friday night, and maybe even leaving the dishes until later. The girls often go out after dinner – but love coming back with friends because the "best leftovers are at the Semels on Friday nights."
My non shomer shabbat friends have been amazing about coming to us for shabbat- both jewish and non jewish. They know that Shabbat is the best time to see us and it is really amazing since we started keeping shabbat how much more of a social life we have.
If my repeated guests are non- shomer shabbat and want to bring something, then i do suggest kosher wine, or bringing fruit which they can prepare under my supervision. Some regulars have ordered dinner from elsewhere that is kosher and brought it in for us. Last weeks, two friends left us $50 in a card and brought 2 bottles of wine because they appreciate how often we feed them and that it is always on our tab.
When we get flowers brought after shabbat, we put them in a vase with no water so that we can have the oneg from them and if the guest notices the lack of water we would explain. that actually has not happened yet though!
Sorry for the late weigh-in, but I spent some time on Shabbat musing upon this. I'm thinking back to when I first met observant people– although now I don't think my hosts need to know anything different, back then I sure wished there had been a guidebook (for both of us!!). I wanted my host to know that allowing me to help was the quickest way to make me feel comfortable- and also a very easy way to let me know that I'm not going to "traife up the joint"– which was pretty much how I felt every time I went to an observant family's home and offered to help but was turned down (for any number of reasons, I'm sure none of which was that I wasn't good enough to help).
Fantastic post!!
Ilene, good to know! And Tzipporah, thanks! Welcome to the blog!
Great post. As regards gift, there is also the issue of carrying (if the guests arrive once Shabbat has started).
Ilanadavita: true, if you or your guests live outside an eruv – this is a future post! Welcome to the blog 🙂
If you follow the custom of not talking between washing and kiddush, that might be helpful to explain, as otherwise the guest is talking away and either the host has to use sign language in return or break their usual minhag.
I just found your blog through a random selection of other blogger's reading lists, and I concur with the other comments: Great post!
I remember when I was becoming religious that flushing the toilet was a question for me as well. Oh, those were the days. But believe it or not, since then I have actually encountered a toilet that WAS a problem. Not because of a sensor or cleaning mechanism, but because the particular bathroom (it was only one in the house, and it happened to be the guest bathroom I was supposed to use), was located below ground on a steep hill and required an electric motor to pump the water up to street level for disposal! I asked my Rav about it and he said since the system acted on a delay, pressing the plunger via a shinui (with my elbow or foot) would solve the problem. So I guess my point is, you never know… though this has been my only problematic encounter with a home toilet in over 10 years of being a ba'al teshuva.
Anyway…
This post sounds a lot like the model of openness and welcoming that you've created for your guests is very much what my wife and I hope to achieve (we're newlyweds just starting off). Keep up the good work, and keep inspiring us all!
Shades of grey, welcome to the blog! Your toilet story is hilarious – I would never have thought of that!
I appreciate your kind words and wish your wife and you lots of success!!
So brilliant, Ruchi! I'm loving your blog by the way. You have something VERY valuable here . . .an insider's experience with the ability to relate to "outsiders." I sort have that too from the other side. I'm an "outsider" to the Orthodox world, but someone who is truly comfortable floating around in every Jewish space. We go to Chabad often, were honored by our local Kollel for getting study groups going in non-Orthodox homes but taught by Kollel rabbis . . . I write and speak quite a bit about getting people to learn more, try more, do more etc. BUT BACK TO YOUR POST.
One thing I'd LOVE Orthodox families to know when inviting non-Orthodox guests for Shabbat dinner . . . (you might even want to do a post on this!) It would be VERY nice and also very considerate to let your guests know who else will be there. I've been to MANY dinners or lunches were the hosts take it upon themselves to decide who might get along or want to be together, when truly, the guests were looking forward to being with the hosts. So instead of showing up to a dinner with the host family we've enjoyed learning with and getting to know, we show up to find two other families, ten extra, kids, and a very busy hostess and host. Have you seen that happen? It ends up making for a lot of small talk among strangers instead of a deepening of a newer relationship between one family (maybe two) and the host family. And it's made me say no to future invites.
So that was really long and rambling note. Let me know if you ever want to "discuss" more. I do think it could make a good post for you to consider. 🙂
Very nice. As we are conversion candidates, I am learning to not do the "Shabbos goy" stuff that I used to do before considering conversion.
Comment on #7- 11 years ago, I was invited to a Seder, and the guests were instructed to ask whatever they were curious about. A relative who was either non-Jewish or non-Observant, asked why they don't believe in "J.C.". Oy, that was uncomfortable.
Nina and Marty,
So yeah, it's taken me quite a while to respond (I'll blame it on the holidays, my Israel trip, and the time change – why not) and I don't know if you'll ever read these lines, but…
Nina: this is very, very true. Some Rabbis have loads of people over together; the more, the merrier? I personally don't find this enjoyable. I can't pay attention to anyone. Not my kids and not my kids. I feel it is more catering hall than home.
That said, we really like to invite all our members each year, and we can't do it if we only invite folks one at a time.
Also, sometimes if we are inviting a new family who's never been to our home (or maybe never been to an Orthodox Shabbat before) we feel they'd be more comfy with some friends there – but to your point, I should probably ask them instead of assuming!
I'm basing this on the fact that sometimes (for newbies) I'll email two families together and say, "Hey, would you like to both join us for Shabbat?" – and I'll get yesses quicker than one-on-one invites.
Marty: My, mighty awkward!! I like to ask the kids, before they leave, "Do you guys have any questions about stuff we did here tonight?" Thanks for commenting and welcome to OOTOB – and lots of success in your spiritual journey.
Inviting 2 families that are already friends is perfect. 🙂 Inviting people that don't each other: that I don't love.
When I was being raised, we had 8 children in our family – plus two adults and my dear Bubbie z'l – trust me – we never got invited over! However, this did give me a chance to learn many good hostess tricks from my own mother.
I put out extra tea lights in case someone wants to learn to light. That way they will not think I am going to any trouble. I have a laminated copy of the bracha in Hebrew, transliterated, and in English underneath. Same for the bracha for washing of hands.
It is good to have benchers in English as well as in Hebrew – I just toss them on the table and people can take what they are most comfortable with.
If someone is invited for Shabbos (or if they come via get.shabbat.com or shabbat.com) I normally ask for food allergies and children's dislikes
I have paper cups with straws and LIDS that I use for small children. This saves mothers and fathers a lot of worry. I also learned from a dear Rebbetzin to use plastic bowls and plates for children.
I use masking tape or clear tape to stick the light switches on or off. This has saved many a guest embarrassment – It is ok – the world won't come to an end and nobody is getting thrown out until they try my special shabbos cake! Really!
I love the sound of children in the house and all are welcome. It is good to hear them laugh and sing and to give them riddles. It is also ok if they slide down and onto the floor to sleep or play. My house won't break.
I do ask that no food be brought into my home (unless I know the person) but often, someone just cannot help themselves. A friend suggested a great idea – I have a little table that I cover with plastic. If someone brings food, I ask them to place it there. That way I don't embarrass them and it is far away enough from the table that I can speak to them privately if they dash to go and get it when plates are being cleared.
I hope that many people read this particular blog post of yours. It will save them unnecessary worry – especially about the driving part.
btw, I am a Mizrahi Jew – the same kind of Jew that everyone else is. Just a Jew! (Our food and some customs may be different but that is because our Ancestors grew up in a different place.)
I love your comment, Leeba!
Leeba, I really enjoyed reading how you handle this! Thanks for weighing in. You seem to be very chilled about noise and mess so maybe you can give me some lessons!
Great info! I am a late little but happy to have found your informative blog.I especially love number 10 on your list.Here's my dilemma. Let me start off by saying we are not Jewish. My husband and I met a wonderful Jewish couple while we were on vacation. We don't live in the same city. We are going to visit them and we have been invited to their home for Shabbat dinner. We don't know them very well and are not sure how "conservative" they are. (they are picking us up at the airport and driving us to their house) We are honored and very excited to be included. We don't want to embarrass or disrespect our hosts. We're flying in and don't have time to shop before going to dinner,any other appropriate gift suggestion besides fruit, flowers or wine?
Hi anonymous and welcome to the blog! To date, this post has been viewed nearly 1700 times, and every day someone's searching Google for this info, so I'm really glad it can be useful. I think a pretty serving dish is always nice, to be used for future shabbats. Or some (non-electronic and doesn't-require-writing) toy or game for the kids. Enjoy your dinner and come again to visit OOTOB.
Thank you for your suggestion. I think that's a wonderful idea.
I have been invited to dinner at a "reform" jewish family's home on Saturday. I have no idea just how "reform" they are. He's a Rabbi but my understanding is that he is a very progressive Rabbi – not traditional/orthodox/conservative at all. Any idea what I can take as a gift? I've already been told that we do not need to bring any food (I kind of figured that) but was thinking about bringing fresh cut flowers. If I put them in water on Friday afternoon before Shabbat begins, does that make bringing fresh cut flowers in water acceptable? I do not know if they drink wine – however, they did give us a bottle of wine once as a gift – but I don't know if that means they also drink wine. Would a bottle of kosher wine be more acceptable than flowers. Any other ideas?
Hi Anonymous! Fresh cut flowers already in a vase is always perfect, for any denomination. No need to worry about kosher symbols!
I agree with what Rivki said. I don't like when there's not a booster seat and crib/pack n' play available for my daughter. It makes the meal very stressful. I don't judge on childproofing because my house is not entirely childproofed. However, when most of the meal is spent chasing my daughter around because she won't sit nicely to eat or won't sleep, it's hard to be part of the adult conversation.
My biggest gripe is when I have someone non-observant over and they start playing with their phones in front of my very impressionable children. Or when they roll their eyes when we say something is muktzeh. (And yes, this does happen in situations when non-observant family members join us for a Shabbos meal.)
Finally…I have a section of the table for adults and a section for kids. I try to seat parents as close to their kids as possible given this arrangement. However, I HATE when kids try to rearrange the seating. They're not even going to stay at the table the whole time, in favor of playing in the basement, and then some adults end up at the kids section and far away from the other adults.
GREAT post! I just found out about this blog from Rivki tonight and am going to be browsing around more. 🙂 Shabbat Shalom!
Thanks, Melissa! WElcome!
Thank you so much for posting this! I'm in the conversion process and will be going to my first Orthodox shabbos dinner in the near future, and I am terrified of "treifing the place up"!
🙂 It's actually pretty hard to truly treif it up… although some have had fun trying (I'm kidding) – wishing you lots of success in the conversion process.
Hi – I am lightly observant but always try to park away from her front door when I drive to my Orthodox friend's house for Shabbos. But I didn't know about the cut flowers so that's very helpful. I try to avoid food – there are many reasons why what I bring might not be acceptable, so why put the hostess in an awkward position?
I love the tone of this piece. It's welcoming and unapologetic at the same time.
Benching is tough for us who don't do it well. I'm trying to learn to bench better, but in the meantime, I appreciate the fact that my more Orthodox friends seem happy that I'm trying, even as I am clearly just limping along.
May I ask a question too.. 🙂
I am an elderly person, seeking to convert. I am going to be invited to Shabbat meal at an Orthodox home soon. I have no idea what to expect, so reading some of the peoples comments have helped.
Now, I am in my 70's, but hoping to convert and learn. What should I take to their home? I have no idea how and what to do, so a little more information I shall truly appreciate. Thank you.
Hi! Sorry for the delay in responding. Bringing some kosher candy for dessert is always nice! Also, bringing flowers that are already in water in a vase is a sure win. Good luck!
Rabbi Avigdor Miller (a popular Chareidi Rabbi
and author, born 1908 CE, died 2001 CE) delivered a free public
lecture in the last year of his life, in which he taught that
Jews should pray for the Israeli Army.
I personally witnessed this; I was there.
When a Jew recites Tefilat Shemoneh Esrei, he is permitted
to add his own personal prayer requests in the middle of the final
paragraph, which begins with Elokai Netzor Leshoni MeiRa.
I recently began adding the prayer for the Israeli Army in that part.
I know this is not the way it is normally recited, but it is permitted,
and I can say it that way in any synagogue.
Rabbi Steven Pruzansky of Congregation Bnai Yeshurun
in Teaneck NJ told me that I can recite it even on Shabbat
and Yom Tov, because it is a communal tefillah,
not a private bakashah.
SOURCE:
http://rabbipruzansky.com/2014/03/24/the-exchange-part-2/
This is such an incredible post! We rarely have guests over, apartment way too cramped, barely enough for our own family to sit by table, but these whimsical pieces make me smile… 🙂 🙂 🙂 … there I go again…
I think this may be the post that just keeps on giving great infomation. I am noahide and have been invited by an orthodox couple to their home for shabbos dinner. While I have experienced a few orthodox shabbos dinners, they have all been large group/public type settings. This information is so great to have! Thank you so much.
Hi – We need to send out invitations to several hundred people (of all walks of life and religious — or not — persuasions) to a Memorial Service. The invitation will say "Please join us after the service for Glatt Kosher "deli." We are serving Glatt Kosher deli out of respect to some of the attendees. I thought we should then say "Please do not bring in any other food to maintain the ??? Glatt Kosher rules?" But someone else thought that was "too weird." How should we handle things. We will not have a guard at the door so once the memorial starts, who knows what people will bring in and where they will put it. Many thanks,
I don't think you need to worry about that. The people who attend who keep strictly kosher will understand perfectly well that others may bring in outside food and I believe you have done more than your fair share to provide kosher food for them which is really admirable.
Thank you! We have Shabbat dinner at our daughter's school – this helped a lot!
How can you bring a gift if you are not allowed to carry? Are we assuming that all guests have arrived before the start of Shabbos?
hillarious