While checking out my blog stats one day, I noticed I’d gotten some traffic from a site called “chbagi.blogspot.com.” (Don’t worry. I can’t see WHO finds me, just how many and from where.) Intrigued, I clicked on it, to discover a lovely blog by one Kate, a recent convert to Judaism. I scrolled through some posts and just warmed to her message. I tried commenting on her blog but couldn’t find a way to do so, so I emailed Kate my comment. I also posted one of her pieces on my Facebook page where quite a discussion ensued, so I found Kate on Facebook and tagged her.
Now we’re friends. Facebook agrees. Of course, the next natural step was to ask Kate if she’d guest blog for me. And here she is:
The number one question I am asked once people
discover I’m a convert is, “Why Judaism?” Actually, scratch that. The first
thing they want to know is when I’m getting married, a natural presumption
given many converts’ introduction to Judaism through a relationship. As I
explain to them, in my particular case I didn’t fall in love with a man; I fell
in love with Judaism. And I’m happy to tell anyone willing to listen (or read)
why.
discover I’m a convert is, “Why Judaism?” Actually, scratch that. The first
thing they want to know is when I’m getting married, a natural presumption
given many converts’ introduction to Judaism through a relationship. As I
explain to them, in my particular case I didn’t fall in love with a man; I fell
in love with Judaism. And I’m happy to tell anyone willing to listen (or read)
why.
This time three years ago, I was still about five
weeks away from finding it. If you had asked me if I was happy, I would have
answered, “Of course!” I loved my life in Chicago, and according to most
modern-day standards, I had everything that was supposed to make a person
happy. Certainly I thought religion was the last thing I needed, as I
associated all religion with my Christian upbringing. I began having major
issues with Christian doctrine (Read: Sending people to hell) in my early teens
and subsequently distanced myself from it. Even with a couple of Jewish
boyfriends later, I never bothered to study Judaism, because I thought if I
disagreed with A, B, & C in Christianity, I’d really have a problem with
A-Z in that harsh religion of laws. So imagine my surprise in late February
2010, when I began researching my paper on Judaism for a Religion course and it
was absolutely nothing like what I had been taught it was. The more I read, the
more I realized how much Judaism matched up with what I already believed, e.g.
people have a good side and a bad side, and can freely choose to make the world
better or worse. Miss
“Spirituality-Yoga-Organized-Religion-Is-Bad-I-Do-Whatever-I-Want” suddenly
agreed with an organized religion. Oh. Uh-oh.
weeks away from finding it. If you had asked me if I was happy, I would have
answered, “Of course!” I loved my life in Chicago, and according to most
modern-day standards, I had everything that was supposed to make a person
happy. Certainly I thought religion was the last thing I needed, as I
associated all religion with my Christian upbringing. I began having major
issues with Christian doctrine (Read: Sending people to hell) in my early teens
and subsequently distanced myself from it. Even with a couple of Jewish
boyfriends later, I never bothered to study Judaism, because I thought if I
disagreed with A, B, & C in Christianity, I’d really have a problem with
A-Z in that harsh religion of laws. So imagine my surprise in late February
2010, when I began researching my paper on Judaism for a Religion course and it
was absolutely nothing like what I had been taught it was. The more I read, the
more I realized how much Judaism matched up with what I already believed, e.g.
people have a good side and a bad side, and can freely choose to make the world
better or worse. Miss
“Spirituality-Yoga-Organized-Religion-Is-Bad-I-Do-Whatever-I-Want” suddenly
agreed with an organized religion. Oh. Uh-oh.
Chalk it up to denial, but after finishing my paper,
I kept reading with the specific intention of waiting for the other shoe to
drop. I really and truly believed that I would find something I disagreed with
and be able to go back to my comfortable existence. When that didn’t happen, I
thought I would try keeping Shabbat, to see if I could walk the walk. I thought
for sure that this would be the dealbreaker that would let me off the hook; I’d
get bored two hours into Friday night and be able to say it just wasn’t for me.
If you’re waiting for the part where I fall in love with Judaism, I promise
it’s coming.
I kept reading with the specific intention of waiting for the other shoe to
drop. I really and truly believed that I would find something I disagreed with
and be able to go back to my comfortable existence. When that didn’t happen, I
thought I would try keeping Shabbat, to see if I could walk the walk. I thought
for sure that this would be the dealbreaker that would let me off the hook; I’d
get bored two hours into Friday night and be able to say it just wasn’t for me.
If you’re waiting for the part where I fall in love with Judaism, I promise
it’s coming.
If I was going to test the waters, I was going to do
it right. I obviously didn’t know everything about Shabbat—I didn’t even know
there were special candles—but I knew it involved food, so I bought and
prepared all of my favorites, scribbled down the blessing on a Post-it, and
waited for eighteen minutes before sundown. It’s hard for me to put into words
what I felt that night. I didn’t have timers for my lamps, because I had no
idea they were allowed—I just knew I couldn’t turn lights on or off. But it
turned out that I didn’t need them, because the rosy glow of the sunset and the
candlelight filled my apartment with light and me with a sense of awe. From
that first Shabbat, there was no going back, and I knew it.
it right. I obviously didn’t know everything about Shabbat—I didn’t even know
there were special candles—but I knew it involved food, so I bought and
prepared all of my favorites, scribbled down the blessing on a Post-it, and
waited for eighteen minutes before sundown. It’s hard for me to put into words
what I felt that night. I didn’t have timers for my lamps, because I had no
idea they were allowed—I just knew I couldn’t turn lights on or off. But it
turned out that I didn’t need them, because the rosy glow of the sunset and the
candlelight filled my apartment with light and me with a sense of awe. From
that first Shabbat, there was no going back, and I knew it.
It wasn’t just about the beauty of Shabbat in those
25 hours. After a few weeks, I began noticing that I was more patient, more
aware of what mattered. This really speaks to the effects of the mitzvot
overall: with time, I was becoming
better. I started to see that this organized religion wasn’t judging or
oppressing me; it was freeing me to live up to my full potential. It was why I
refused to resign myself to only 7 laws, even as the Rabbi insisted that it
would be a much easier life. “And what kind of person would I be,” I argued,
“If I believed in something but gave it up because it wasn’t easy?”
25 hours. After a few weeks, I began noticing that I was more patient, more
aware of what mattered. This really speaks to the effects of the mitzvot
overall: with time, I was becoming
better. I started to see that this organized religion wasn’t judging or
oppressing me; it was freeing me to live up to my full potential. It was why I
refused to resign myself to only 7 laws, even as the Rabbi insisted that it
would be a much easier life. “And what kind of person would I be,” I argued,
“If I believed in something but gave it up because it wasn’t easy?”
I ask myself that question again all the time, as
becoming officially Jewish wasn’t the end of the struggle. Like Jacob and the
angel, I wrestle with other Jews, I wrestle with G-d, I wrestle with myself.
Sometimes I stubbornly push against the mitzvot that I fought so hard to be
able to perform as a Jew, but like a lover after a quarrel, I always come back.
And when someone asks me, “Why Judaism,” I know exactly how to answer. Because
it works. I lived with myself for years before finding Judaism. I know who I
was, and I know who I am now. Still imperfect, but better than I was three
years ago, and always striving to improve.
becoming officially Jewish wasn’t the end of the struggle. Like Jacob and the
angel, I wrestle with other Jews, I wrestle with G-d, I wrestle with myself.
Sometimes I stubbornly push against the mitzvot that I fought so hard to be
able to perform as a Jew, but like a lover after a quarrel, I always come back.
And when someone asks me, “Why Judaism,” I know exactly how to answer. Because
it works. I lived with myself for years before finding Judaism. I know who I
was, and I know who I am now. Still imperfect, but better than I was three
years ago, and always striving to improve.
Ah, Hell. That was a big one for me too. About a year or so ago, the whole concept of hell, and the devil especially, just stopped making any sense to me. It seemed unfair that in order to really call yourself a Christian you had to be so willing to believe that other people were going to Hell. Especially when, for some people, it doesn't matter what else you do or don't do, not believing Jesus is god is what sends you there.
Her blog seems really cool though, I'm sure I'll be reading more of it.
Thank you, Elizabeth. And I couldn't agree more with what you said.
Hi Kate. The title of the post (a skeptic becomes a convert) made me wonder how much of Judaism's appeal to you was intellectual versus emotional. You mentioned that the experience of Shabbat played a big part of what drew you to Judaism. You also commented that Judaism's view of man made more sense to you than what you knew of your birth religion's view.
How much of a struggle was it for you to accept Judaism's faith claims? For example, the Exodus from Egypt, the revelation at Mount Sinai, the conquest of Canaan. Did you look into things like the documentary hypothesis regarding the divinity of the Torah or was that not really relevant to your personal journey?
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, both in the original article and for the responses to our questions and comments.
Hi Larry,
Those are great questions, thank you. The way my journey unfolded, I saw the Truth of Judaism manifesting in the changes I was noticing in myself and also in observing human nature. I also came across books and articles by Dr. Gerald Schroeder early on, and Chief Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks often cites scientific studies/evidence that supports Jewish tradition and thought. So while I know certain events have not been accounted for in a scientific sense, the scales were tipped enough for me to accept the total package. I understand why you lumped those three examples under faith claims, but for me, I have different contexts for each of them. For example, I know that some dispute the Exodus based on a lack of evidence from the Egyptian side. However, as a history buff interested in foreign affairs, I know that North Korean school children learn that NK is the #1 world power and that the US is weak. It is therefore not a stretch of the imagination for me to think that a megalomaniacal Pharaoh would leave out such a humiliating defeat, especially when we consider that the Egyptians probably still viewed Hashem as a regional god and refused to acknowledge Him as the true G-d when all was said and done. As for the revelation, I had an experience at eight years old that defies any rational explanation and can only be described as spiritual. I prefer to keep it private, but suffice it to say that revelation is not a crazy concept to me, and thankfully that memory maintained my relationship with G-d even when I didn't have a religion. Overall, to answer your question, I feel that my acceptance of Judaism came in equal parts intellectual and emotional. Both sides have been essential, I think, in keeping me dedicated to growing even when it's difficult.
Thank you again for your feedback!
If I may make a slight detour: Larry, how do you view those claims?
Hi Kate I love your story as an ffb I'm struggling with the same things you were when you were Christian. Hell was talked about a lot in are home what have you discovered that we Jews are different we are taught if you do this or that or wear this or that you'll go to hell.
Also can you recommend good books to read to give me the love you have I have been looking to fall in love to the religion I was born and raised and to fallow the Torah because I want to not because or else I will go to hell
Thanks all the best
Anonymous,
I can recommend 3 books that I have read and re-read for inspiration and hope. The 1st is Holy Woman; a book on the life of Rebbetzin Chaya Sara Kramer. The author is Sara Yocheved Rigler. The other two are by Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis. The Committed Life (excellent), and The Jewish Soul on Fire. I think they help renew my love for Torah, mitzvot, and HaShem.
Hope they help, Chava
Hi, thank you for the feedback. I know that some communities talk about Gehennom more than others, which is too bad, because I don't believe Judaism was ever meant to be a religion of fear, doom, and gloom. I highly recommend Chief Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks' Covenant and Conversation books, Endless Light* by Rabbi David Aaron, and Building a Sanctuary in the Heart by a Rabbi who prefers to stay anonymous in his writings, but is very well-known in Israel. Aish.com also has lots of positive and uplifting articles, and I always learn something new.
*This will look like a Kabbalah book, but was recommended to me by a great Rabbi because it is actually very light in Kabbalah and more a good primer on Judaism, e.g. how we pray, how to view the mitzvot, etc.
All the best to you! I wish you every happiness on your journey.
Kate, I love your blog. You're an inspiration!
Chava
Thank you, Chava! And those are excellent book suggestions – I'll be sure to check out Holy Woman!
That you, Ruchi, for posting this, and Kate for your message.
I am in the process. I struggle. I get frustrated with the system. Tere are times that I feel like I'm living a double life; one person in my heart and soul, but stuck in limbo. But I know it will be worth it.
– Chana, giyoret-in-training
I totally understand, Chana. I encountered difficulties and I know how hard it can be. I personally feel that one of the obstacles that converts come up against is this new cultural norm that says a ger should be ready to take on all of the mitzvot pretty quickly and never have any problems with them, ever, or else they are not sincere. I've done a fair amount of studying that tells me it was not always this way. The above post is pretty rosy, because at the end of the day I'm happy to have found Judaism and it did change me for the better. But please do not beat yourself up because you are in a different place right now, as I can guarantee I have been there, too. My first Rabbi accepted me as a ger candidate after the first meeting, but expected me to move to his community within a month or two (!) and also threatened to revoke my conversion if I ever did anything he disagreed with. My second Rabbi would yell at me, interrupt me, etc. It was insinuated that if I really wanted to be Jewish, I would have to put up with it. After both of these experiences, I had pretty much given up the idea of an Orthodox conversion and it was only after I turned to G-d (see my blog post My Miracle) that I found my third Rabbi, a warm, kind, wonderful man to whom I will forever be grateful. Please know that you are not alone, and feel free to email me at KateMS@live.com if you need support, suggestions, anything at all. Hang in there.
Thank you, Kate 🙂 I definitely have rosy moments, too, haha. I am now following your blog, which I have fallen in love with, and will definitely be in touch.
– Chana, G-in-T
Thank you, Chana! I look forward to it. 🙂
Kate thanks for all the references I just ordered the set of two building a sanctuarie in your hart I can't wait to grow thank you for the inspiration.
FYI–the author recommends reading Getting to Know Yourself before Building a Sanctuary in your Heart I and II. ALL of his books are amazing and life changing in my opinion. I hope you enjoy them too!
And chava I read holly women it was really great but how do we get on that level when are lives are not like the holy people we read about we don't dress or act like them. How do we emulate them.
It's really nice to "meet" you, kate. You seem to have embraced the religion that I found when I was first introduced to chabad and the Book of Tanya, as a disillusioned ffb. now I'm off to read your blog!
Thank you, Rena. I'm happy to hear that you found a good balance and fit for you, which is so important. All the best.
Kate, were you part of a community (Jewish? fellow prospective converts?) while in the conversion process or was it entirely one-on-one with your rabbi? It seems to me to be a really hard thing to do without community support.
I agree, and it's really essential to find the right community. It took me a little while to find the Rabbi and synagogue that were right for me, but I finally have. When I was still searching, I built up my own support system with friends in different communities and people online. I feel like I get a lot of feedback from people who are unhappy or feeling judged in their communities, so I like to encourage everyone to use their voice and make connections through the Internet. It can really make a world of difference. All the best.
I am a Jew by birth, but raised christian when my mother converted to christianity when I was 2. While I look back and have disappointments in her choice, I can see the beauty of it as well. You see, She was a devout christian and raised me in church. She taught me to love G-d, and though flawed beliefs, Jesus and to always want to go to heaven one day. I loved G-d and always tried to live right. I found my way back to Judaism through messianic Judaism at first, and eventually learned how flawed it was too. None of that matched up with Torah. Ha Shem called me out. Now I am a Jew by birth AND by choice. I am going through a program to become a rabbi and seek to keep Jews Jewish by being a light and teaching anti missionary arguments. Judaism is amazing, filled with love and acceptance and sacred. How can anyone NOT want to be Jewish?! Loved to hear your story. Welcome~! Blessings in your spiritual walk and in all you do!
Thank you so much for your kind words, and for your work in bringing Jews to Judaism! I think your story is beautiful, and I completely agree with your sentiments on our religion.
What is an FFB?
I belong to a Reform synagogue and we do not use the word "convert". We use the phrase "Jew by Choice" which I believe more kindly portrays the "ger". I also think it describes Kate to a T.
FFB = "frum from birth", i.e. someone who has been raised Orthodox from birth.
Is there something offensive about the term "convert" where "Jew by choice" would be more polite?
I don't mind either and refer to myself as both, depending on my audience. "Ger" is fine, too, actually, and I recently heard someone say that converts should refer to ourselves as "Team Gimel," which I like a lot. It's the tone, not the words, IMHO. And it's not hard to tell if someone's using "convert" as either an insult or like you're something in a zoo.
I'm not offended by any description or term, and I'm ok with people knowing I'm a convert, too. However, I have encountered other converts who don't like to be outed and only want to be considered Jewish, so that's the only thing I would recommend being cautious about.
Yeah, I agree. I don't generally have an issue with revealing myself as a convert or talking about my conversion experience, but definitely let the convert do the outing of him or herself, don't just put it out there. There are definitely times when I would rather blend in than give my life story to someone I barely know.
Ugh, the, "Oh, so you're dating/engaged to/married to a Jewish guy?" is probably the single most annoying trope I encounter as a convert. Possibly second to, "Oh, people who don't convert Orthodox are just lazy/ignorant/don't want to follow the mitzvot/would convert with an Orthodox rabbi if they were really sincere/understood the beauty of Torah true living," but that would really be a photo finish.
I actually had a guy on J-Date once accuse me of converting (I always give someone a heads up that I'm a convert early on, because if that's a problem, we have no further business, dating-wise, and I believe in being up front about this stuff) so I could "pick up Jewish guys." I laughed out loud when I read that and had to work very, very hard to keep myself from replying, "Um, it seems to me that my odds would be better in that regard if I just stayed a Gentile." Not that intermarriage is so hilarious, but seriously, guy? Come on.
That second quote is so mind-boggingly presumptuous. It's hard enough to know what our own true motivations are. To claim to know someone else's (usually without even knowing the person) is beyond absurd.
It was a very strange mix with my first Rabbi, because on one hand, he accepted me after the first meeting, but on the other, I was asked several times if I had a Jewish bf. I think it's kind of a sad sign of the insularity of some communities that they don't see how a person could fall in love with Judaism on their own. An influx of converts and BTs should be a sign that the world is progressing in the right direction, hello!
Oh, the JDate stories: I could devote my blog entirely to them. I had one man tell me that at least he was Jewish by blood, which only illustrated to me his ignorance on how things work. His "Jewish blood" will be gone some day, while all of our Jewish souls are forever. Anyway, I'm really open about my conversion, too (because I'm proud of it!), and guys like that weed themselves out early.
DG, yeah, stuff along the lines of the second quote make me really angry every time I hear or read them (which is depressingly often). Agonizing over the question of Orthodoxy and what I was willing to sacrifice, practice-wise, for the mythical conversion that's "accepted by everyone" was part of what left me in Jew-in-progress limbo for ten years while I figured out what it was that I wanted to do. It wasn't a decision that I made lightly at all, and my choice to go Conservative certainly wasn't because I "don't care about the mitzvot" or "know the beauty of Torah-true living," or whatever mishegas people want to say. Those kinds of statements say more about the speaker than they do non-Orthodox converts, none of it good, IMHO, but it's not that unusual to hear them.
I should add that I basically never hear that kind of thing said here, which is one reason why I stick around.
Also, who the heck says something like, "At least I'm Jewish by blood!" The logical conclusion to that statement is, "Because I'm not by practice." Though I agree, when guys say things like that, at least they're letting you know right away that it's not going to work out (to say the least!).
Interestingly, my impression from living in Orthodox communities is that Orthodox converts are NOT assumed to have converted for marriage. Some even become well-known authors or famous, popular speakers on the Orthodox lecture circuit, describing their path to Judaism. I haven't heard anyone question their motivations.
“And what kind of person would I be,” I argued, “If I believed in something but gave it up because it wasn’t easy?”
This really resonates with me — but not in a good way, as I have essentially given up on pursuing a conversion for this very reason. The Jewish community where I live is tiny, with no real resources to educate or support converts, and I would be nearly 30 by the time I became a Jew (too old to be marriageable, as far as I can tell). I worry that I would be unable to fulfill certain mitzvot or, worse, go off the derech due to a lack of support, family, community, etc. I cannot shake the thought that converting might therefore be a selfish and irresponsible thing to do, when I can continue life as a Gentile and avoid potentially hurting myself – and other Jews. If the choice is between being a bad Jew and not being a Jew at all, I feel obligated to choose the latter even if it is personally painful.
.. But what kind of person does it make me, to have given up on something I feel so deeply and with such conviction? Am I second guessing Hashem?!
I don't mean to derail an excellent post (please feel free not to publish this, Ruchi), but Kate's comment has really given me something to think about.
CE
CE
My personal feeling is that if anyone has doubts about conversion, they should not convert. Judaism is not a proselytizing religion precisely because there are other satisfactory ways to serve Hashem. Just as not everyone is called to be a priest, not everyone is called to join the kingdom of priests.
Converting to Judaism is like a marriage. Just as all marriages have 3 partners (the two spouses and Hashem) all conversions change the relationship between the convert, the Jewish people, and Hashem. If someone feels a pull towards Hashem, if they love Hashem but are not in love with the Jewish people, I think they are being called to other paths than the way of the convert.
CE,
Ultimately, the choice is yours. But I can't help but feel there is a lot of fear behind your questions, and I don't believe that decisions made in fear give anyone peace, so I'm going to present a different take.
A "bad Jew" is not a Jew who messes up, and don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. Because in that case, there would never have existed a good Jew on this planet. Jews are obligated to give others the benefit of the doubt and to love their neighbors as themselves. Every single Jew, born or otherwise, deserves a community that will create an environment in which people want to grow and improve, not conform out of fear. We lost the Second Temple because although observance was mostly intact, there was causeless hatred between Jews.
You would only be "bad" if you would stop caring and become indifferent to the mitzvot and to your people, especially if, Heaven forefend, we would be persecuted again. If you can't fathom this, then stop beating yourself up.
Here is my question to you: Do you feel like you are part of the Jewish people? If you gave up, would you always miss it? Would it hurt you to see a Star of David, or a Jewish reference in a movie? The Talmud tells us that a woman approached each Patriarch and requested to convert; each denied her (for reasons unknown), and later, she gave birth to Amalek. It is very telling that the Sages conclude that she should have been converted. Notice that their conclusion does not indicate the Patriarchs had a reason to reject her – she ended up being the mother of Amalek! Rather, it seems to point to a preventable tragedy. My point in telling you this is that if your community is making you feel like you're probably not good enough to become Jewish, but you can't seem to shake that longing, then the community is in the wrong, not you.
It is a huge responsibility to be Jewish, yes. But we have Yom Kippur for a reason: We all mess up. Constantly. To cite the Talmud again, "Do not be too sure of yourself." Any person who thinks they've got it all right has got it all wrong. A good Jew is one who never feels adequate, and always tries harder. If you feel that could describe you, please don't give up.
As for the age thing, I'm going to be 33 in 5 weeks! How's that for old and unmarriageable? 🙂 Also, are you aware that the number 30 is spiritually significant? It's seen as the peak, and I don't regard it as a coincidence that Judaism came into my life just after my 30th birthday, nor that you would become a Jew at that age. Rather than be afraid, learn to see Hashem's hand in everything. Because it is there.
If you truly feel that being a Righteous Gentile is right for you, I support you all the way. But please consider what I said and be sure that you are coming to that decision on your own, and not giving up because you feel unworthy. Feel free to email me at KateMS@live.com if you'd like to talk more, and please talk to Hashem every day.
Larry,
I'm sorry, but I could not disagree more. I had doubts, and every convert I know has had doubts. It's very normal. I got the sense from CE that her doubts are not coming within, but from the community, which as seen in my comment to her, bothers me so much. In the widely accepted cultural norm, a BT is welcomed lovingly, and encouraged to grow into their observance slowly. It's very different for a convert, regardless of the fact that they may very well possess a Jewish soul and have been present at Sinai. CE did not elaborate on what her doubts were, but I think she should be able to worry out loud about them without being turned away. I also agree very much with your marriage analogy, though for different reasons. In a healthy marriage, people fight, they wonder if they ended up with the right person at times, they dislike the other person at times, but are then reminded of all of their good qualities, why they fell in love, etc. and the commitment becomes stronger, not weaker.
Kate
I have no problem with your disagreeing with me, my wife does it all the time. If her doubts are primarily based on her community, I think she shouldn't convert until she has found a more supportive one. I've seen people convert and drift away because they lacked communal support. (For one example see Girl Meets God an account of an Orthodox Jewish convert's path to Christianity). A Jew who leaves Judaism is a tragedy, a non-Jew who stays a Noachide is a triumph.
And now, I could not agree with you more. I truly hope that CE finds the right Rabbi and community so that she can make the decision that's right for her. I'm glad to hear that you and your wife keep each other on your toes – sounds like a healthy marriage. 🙂
If you gave up, would you always miss it? Would it hurt you to see a Star of David, or a Jewish reference in a movie?
Personally, I'm in favor of letting people do what makes them happy. But from a legalistic point of view, pining to be part of the Jewish people is not enough reason to allow conversion. There are many things we pine for, but they are not all good for us, and more importantly, we cannot obtain everything we pine for. Maybe when a rabbi suggests that a person not convert, they are taking many factors into account, not just a longing to be part of the Jewish people.
I agree that many factors should be taken into account, but I really got the impression that CE is in the wrong community. Every convert (and Jew!) deserves support and room to grow. My question which you quoted was not meant to be taken over-simplistically, but being turned away from the Jewish people for the wrong reasons could be very painful for someone, and I only wanted to try to help her picture the future either way. Every story that I've come across on converts in the Talmud is very pro-convert, and that is why I believe the culture today that can be anti-convert, from the process itself to shidduch dating, is wrong and completely off track. I don't think any Rabbi today should make the mistake of being a Shammai, who would have "…sought to drive us out of the world; in his humility, Hillel brought us under the wings of the Divine Presence," as the three converts say in that famous tale in the Talmud. Also, the Shulchan Aruch states that a convert must be accepted if he states that he would still join the Jewish people in spite of the hatred and persecution they endure, but his only concern is that he is unworthy. That is the very reason that I take it as a positive that CE is worried that she may mess up; I feel that it is a sign of a good Jew, not a bad one. If she is devoted to Hashem, to us, and to always striving, we will be lucky to have her.
It's partly a personality thing. Some people naturally dive into things, so they should probably take their doubts seriously because otherwise they're likely to regret the dive. Others are naturally passive and won't go into anything unless they're sure it will work out. Such a person is likely later to regret not doing something. Giving someone advice on a major life decision without knowing the person and his/her circumstances is generally not a good idea.
I agree with that. I know that I got through my bumps in the road because of my tenacity and stubbornness. I worry that someone with a different personality can be easily turned away, but I don't feel that makes them any less sincere than I was. As I expressed to CE, I support her in any decision. But since she opened up in her comment, and as I have been in her situation, I felt the need to offer a different POV than what is usually expressed to converts. I am also hoping she will email me so that I can help her according to her situation, because you are right, I could not get the whole picture from one comment.