It seems I’m hitting my midlife crisis early, and it’s called “wrapping.”
In my community, covering one’s hair is de rigeur for married women, and mostly that’s done with a wig. Lots of us cover our hair more casually, like with a chenille snood or pre-tied bandanna, but that would be akin to changing into your sweats. Like, if you’re “dressed,” you’re also wearing a wig.
But in my recent trips to Israel, I’ve become more and more gaga over these beautiful scarves that women wrap their heads with. They are just magnificent. No yoga-pants-look here. These women are dressed. There is just something about the sheer authenticity of covering one’s hair with a scarf that grabs me. And so, with the help of Wrapunzel and their cool YouTube tutorials, I’m wrapping more and more.
I’m not ditching the wig anytime soon. There are plenty of community occasions where I’ll feel more at home in a wig – but my heart is with the scarf, no question about it. I’ve polled some women on the matter, including some of the lovely women on the Wrapunzel Facebook fan group (a sizable minority of whom are not Jewish) and got some great responses, which I’ll share with you in my next post.
But first, here’s this chart. It shows my personal, and I repeat, my personal, opinions comparing wigs and scarves in various categories. Commentary is below. I’ve rated each category on the basis of a 5-star system, with 5 stars being awesome and no stars being abysmal. You know, like hotels, except no one gives hotels zero stars, though they sometimes should.
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WIG
|
SCARF
|
|
Comfort
|
**
|
*****
|
|
Price
|
|
*****
|
|
Aesthetics
|
***
|
*****
|
|
Anonymity
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****
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*
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|
Ease of use
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***
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***
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|
Maintenance
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**
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*****
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Religious
preference |
**
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****
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Comfort: Some might find wigs more comfortable. Not me. If they have bangs, they look more natural, but then they’re always hanging in your eyes. Grr. Scarves, done right, stay put, out of your face and off your neck all day long. I can see and be seen!
Price: Yes, I know you can buy really cheap wigs. Cheap wigs look like cheap wigs. Scarves are so cheap it’s funny. Especially at the Israeli shuk.
Aesthetics: Again, this is personal preference. To my view, what makes a wig beautiful also makes it inauthentic. A beautiful wig that’s also modest? Ummm. Scarves are beautiful and modest at the same time – that elusive blend I’m always seeking.
Anonymity: This is a biggie, especially for those in mainstream professions. If you need to blend in professionally, a wig is going to be a necessity. On the other hand, there is something about outing myself as a religious Jew in public that I am finding incredibly liberating (no faking) and also giving me a much greater sense of responsibility in terms of being an ambassador of my faith. Overall, it’s a little scary and very exhilarating. I like it.
Ease of use: I gave these matching ratings, because some women find it very easy to just slip on a wig and very difficult to tie a scarf just right. Once it’s on, I find the scarf way easier. You don’t have to fuss or mess with it. Wigs always need to be brushed, flipped, and adjusted. Also, once you get the hang of wrapping, it’s easy.
Maintenance: Wigs don’t require that much maintenance. Once a month (depending on frequency of wear) they need to be washed and done. Transporting them is a bit of a pain. If my wig is done for a special occasion, I’ll transport it in a “shaitel box” (if we’re traveling for a wedding, say) but otherwise I literally toss it in a ziploc bag. No comparison, of course, to transporting a scarf. Duh.
Religious preference: For most religious groups, with the notable exception of Chabad, covering one’s hair with a scarf is preferable. In some Sephardic circles, wigs are actually a no-no. The Chabad leader, Rabbi Scheerson, maintained that wigs were preferable for two reasons: one, if women felt beautiful they would more likely stay covered, and two, no hair shows out from under a wig, whereas occasionally hair can slide out from a scarf.
So that’s my comparison chart. In my next installment, I’ll share other women’s personal reflections on the scarf vs. wig debate, plus why they cover, with what and when, and how it makes them feel. Stay tuned…
Your comparison chart is so correct! Ruchi, you look so great in your sheitels and tichels, hmm. Best of both worlds for you! I'm all the way with tichels. I do not look right in a sheitel. I am curious a bit about the Chabad viewpoint. Do they prohibit women from wearing tichels altogether?
Thank you! No, they don't prohibit, but the Rebbe definitely promoted wigs over scarves.
I've got short, messy-spiky hair (always uncovered). A hairdresser once illuminated for me how the biggest ingredient in flattering hairstyles is to fluff out or otherwise add volume to the upper-back part of my head. It's all about that spot, the proportions thereby created then draw attention to the eyes and just are flattering. She was so right, it is all about volume right in that spot–which is where the video lady has that poofy part of her black cap. I'm assuming that's not actually a gigantic coil of hair under there in the video, but it looks fabulous. If people wouldn't look at me like I landed from Mars, I would try a poofed-out, big-back-head wrap, because it's gorgeous. Not the colors, I'd go for plain, but the shape itself.
Obviously it's done out of modesty for Os (and the women in all that gorgeous medieval and early modern Christian painting tradition), but frankly isn't poofed-out wrap more alluring than hair in the end? First of all, how many women have truly gorgeous hair? Second, isn't big, suggestive covering more alluring than anyone's actual hair?
The big downside I see is overheating. Wearing the black poofy cap and then the wrap would prevent a lot of heat escaping through your head, which is a natural ventilation spot. I guess O synagogues must be big on air conditioning.
That's really interesting. It did occur to me that the volumizer (that little pillow in the back that adds height) is sort of inauthentic/suggestive of gorgeous hair. For this reason I chose a small one that adds a big of height to wrap the scarf around. Yet. Anything neutral can become immodest. There are plenty of suggestive photos of scarf-wearing women. I still thing there is less potential for suggestiveness with a scarf, as opposed to a (good) wig.
In summer I wear lighter scarves without the volumizer. It's very cool – nothing on my forehead or neck.
"To add a bit of height" – not big…sorry.
Should be working: I n the warmer months, I wear thinner scarves and just one, as opposed to the 2 or 3 in the cooler month. No heat problems that aren't manageable. As for the tichels looking attractive, my thoughts are that no one says not to be attractive. The mitzvah is my own, and I equate modesty with beauty.
I don't find that scarves create any issues of overheating so long as you match your materials to the weather.
I have sheitls, hats, scarves and pre-tieds and everything has its place. Pre-tieds easy but I feel like I am in my PJs, hats, easy and more dressy but not always socially "normal", sheitl: great for blending in to normality and hiding the fact that I am an O Jew to anyone except those in the know but I always feel like I am someone else when I wear one (which is a lot of fun sometimes and my husband enjoys them so I wear always for him when we date!). Scarves: I feel like me, I love to be matchy matchy with my outfits, it helps me express my artsy creative side and I can look as dressy or as casual as I needed. The downsides are: a little more time consuming to put on (like 3-5 minutes but with small children I often don't have that luxury) and they certainly do make a statement in both the secular world and in the orthodox world. I wish it weren't so as I am not the kind of person to really want to make a statement with the way I dress but I always hope that it is balanced by the ability also to make a kiddush Hashem by showing that following Jewish law can be beautiful, creative and individualistic. Once comment that I receive quite frequently about my scarf creations is "regal". I think that says it all.
I'd love to see a picture!
I have worked for corporate fortune 500 companies since I got married. It would be entirely unacceptable and unprofessional to ever go to work in a hat or a tichel. That being said I do agree that often tichels are far more modest than the long, half blond sexy wigs that are so common. But I also don't think wearing a pretty wig that's natural is necessarily immodest. Kisui rosh should never make a woman feel less…it should only boost confidence and not lessen it. But I also think that the ikar of the mitzvah is to look married and not for modesty, otherwise Jewish girls woukd have to cover their hair like Muslims (but of course, there's an inyan of modesty for single girls hairstyles too.) I agree that the purest form of the mitzvah is definitely not a sheitel but rather a distinct and noticeable covering, like a hat.
I definitely see not wanting to wear a wig all the time – whenever I'm wearing mine (which is every day for work, occasionally for shul or a wedding) I can't wait to take it off. I think headscarves a la Wrapunzel (which are very pretty) are having a fashion moment. When I got married in the late 80s no one would be caught dead in a headscarf, unless you were really an Israeli, you know, like just off the plane from Israel. If you didn't wear a wig, you wore some kind of structured wool or straw hat that was big enough to cover everything, or for casual, a wool or cotton beret. Headcoverings go in and out of style just like everything else. (So do hairstyles and wigstyles, for that matter).
True. When I was first married I actually owned a turquoise jeweled turban. Like Alladin.
Ruchi, I love this topic/conversation….am learning so much. I don't want to bore/hog the list with my own background…you know from whence I come, literally and otherwise: hope it's ok to join in and ask/say a couple f things( am still reading the link you sent, and finding it hugely interesting) Anyway, here's my thing….I seldom see anybody(not complaining…just stating a fact) and am seldom out. Recently widowed, no family(my cats) and among other things agoraphobia. The one thing I do no matter where I am(kept it on during my recent colonoscopy….sorry if that's TMI) is wear a wee kippah. Crocheted it myself(I have several) the first thing I do in the morning is put it on, say a blessing ( can't remember where I found the blessing, but it's about reminding me about G-d being always with me) and that's my start to my day. It's not about modesty(I have very short hair, cut it myself) but about reminding myself of the connection. It was something I knew I wanted to do right from the start….dont know how I knew; I just did. And it's on a different topic, so I don't know if I should be saying this, so please don't post it unless you are ok with it.
I think that's beautiful. Thanks for sharing it.
Ruchi, thank you so much for saying that….by doing so you have helped me feel more "ok to be me"….just had a flashback memory. Long time ago…ten years, or thereabouts, on the way back from visiting my mother, Alastair and I in the car, on the motorway, getting closer to home, and on the car radio was Billy Joel singing "I love you just the way you are"….and this was years before my beginning my path of being an observant Jew, but in my insides, my guts, my heart, mind, soul, I *knew* that G-d accepted me for me….just the way I am. Full of flaws and fears and messiness(literal and otherwise)…thanks for bringing back that memory. I can remember it as a picture in my minds eye, and I can remember the feeling….like a wee taste of how it would be….
I am a professor in one of the areas of the sciences. I cover my hair completely, and always with a tichel. (I dont own a wig.) As part of my job, I have to go to international conferences to give lectures on my research. I discovered a surprising advantage and a somewhat surprising disadvantage of this type of hair covering:
Advantage: I am easily recognizable! When I see people who I met at conferences years earlier, I think that I am more easily remembered and recognized because I am the (only) one with the hair covering. In the academic world where making connections is important, sticking out like a sore thumb can be useful!
Disadvantage: I am more easily taken for a terrorist/suspicious person. I have been stopped by security guards (e.g., in a hotel in Australia) and asked to show identification and explain why I am there…
I have the same perspective, Anonymous. I always covered my hair with a hat, not a wig, and it made me memorable within my professional circuit such as conferences. Now that I am divorced and no longer cover my hair, I miss the easy identification it provided (bageling, to use Ruchi's term). When I see frum women in public I sometimes feel a little sad that they no longer spot me as "one of them", whereas they always did when I had a hat on.
And on the fashion side, I sort of miss having a wide selection of hats as accessories. Plus for 18 years I never had to worry about bad hair days!
So if Os get divorced the wife STOPS covering her hair? Interesting. I thought that was a one-way modesty path.
SBW – I follow a minority opinion. Most O's would continue to cover their hair, even after being widowed or divorced. The Modern Ortho stance on head-covering is that it is more of an indicator of a woman's marital status, and therefore it changes if her status changes. Hair covered = married. Hair uncovered = single. Therefore partial covering is also sufficient. I never covered my hair in my own home, even in front of male guests.
The more mainstream/ yeshivish/ right-wing perspective is that a woman's hair is an intimate part of her and therefore must be fully covered at all times, except in front of her husband. Many O women never even show their hair to their kids. And from this perspective, it remains covered even if a woman is divorced or widowed. However, women can ask for and sometimes receive permission to uncover their hair if they feel it will help them remarry faster.
So do non-modern Os who don't live an insular life constantly feel like they are seeing women's private parts? Like I would feel if I were surrounded by nudists? Sure non-insular Os must be used to it, but still if you FEEL like married women's hair is truly private, isn't it embarrassing? Or does it evoke pity, as I would feel if a family of nudists moved in next door–as in, "gee, they're nice, but um, it's too bad they don't get it."
Haha!! Nah. Hair is still normal. Unmarried women show theirs so it certainly doesn't have the same effect as other areas.
Re recognizability. That's fascinating. I never would've thought of it. On another note, I've found that when I'm at the J for a workout, wearing my bandanna, many people who know me walk right past me. They don't know I'm me without a wig.
Ruchie, This post is awesome! I'm so humbled by your willingness to try something new. Thank you for bringing Wrapunzel to your blog and opening this conversation up. Something we often say at Wrapunzel shows – a quote from a newly tichel-ed French woman we met.
She said (add accent!) " My friends say to me 'you say you are doing this for modesty and yet it is so beautiful, how can this be modest?' I tell them, modesty is a boundary. A house needs a boundary too, but we don't need to choose an ugly one. even a white picket fence is still a fence. In fact, it adds to the value of the house. These are my tichels, they add value and beauty while still protecting me."
Wishing you so much FUN in this process and can't wait to send you tichels. Our site got attacked this 2 days ago and we are working on it day and night – but when it's back up – it's tichel-time!
Thanks rm 🙂 interesting how our lives continue to intersect, huh?
Like Anonymous above, I have worked for major corporations where it would be unacceptable and unprofessional to ever go to work in a hat or a tichel. So, I wear a sheitl to the office every day. But once I get home, off it comes & on goes the beret/snood/scarf. The funny side of wearing a wig to work is the reaction from coworkers (non-Jewish) when I get a new sheitl – "oh you've cut your hair! It looks nice!". If they only knew…
To Should Be Working, I also have short hair (which present some problems with the sheitl – especially since unlike my sheitl, I'm going grey!). I don't bother with the cap the videos are showing and I'm not sure how many women in my area use them. I find that tichels are much cooler (temp-wise) than sheitls. When I have my sheitl on in winter, I don't bother with a winter hat because my head is already covered!
I also agree with tesyaa who said that headcoverings go in & out of style. When I got married over 25 years ago, all my friends went with sheitls. About 10 years ago, everyone was wearing bucket-style hats. A couple of years ago, women started wearing mitpachot (all with the metallic stripes) tied really tightly with a bun in the back. My nephew-in-Israel's wife wears the "big" style tichels like in the videos. That seems to be the new style this year.
Should be working– I am an O woman, I am divorced and I still cover my hair.
Wow — a topic dear to my heart. I am the only person I know who wears a tichel (or beret). It is simply not done in the liberal Jewish community. Why do I do it? *I don't know*. It was an emotional / spiritual decision and not a rational / logical one.
I started by wearing them to shul. Then, I started wearing them outside shul. And now I wear them (outside my house) most of the time, including in my professional work environment.
The crazy thing about wearing them to work is that *NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT*. Talking about religion is taboo. No one is sure what it means but they sense that it has to do with religion. I do think it helps when I say I have to leave early on Fridays. I mean, no one is going to question me when I wear a big scarf on my head.
It's weird b/c when Ruchi is wearing a wig, most observers assume she is less religious than she is while when I'm wearing a scarf, most people assume I'm more religious than I am. The way something feels does not necessarily match the way it looks to others.
SDK…really interesting thoughts. Fascinating, actually.
Especially this:The crazy thing about wearing them to work is that *NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT*. Talking about religion is taboo. No one is sure what it means but they sense that it has to do with religion. I do think it helps when I say I have to leave early on Fridays. I mean, no one is going to question me when I wear a big scarf on my head.
I do find there's a certain PC intimidation factor; that "don't talk about it" piece.
PC is a double-edged sword. It prevents people from saying completely obnoxious things. It also prevents people from making completely human and real connections with others.
There is one Indian colleague who asked about it. (First, she asked another colleague, then she asked me.) I think talking about religion is normal in India. It's not a big deal, just part of life, and normal to be curious about what other people do. I still feel a warm connection with her from that short conversation.
I've always been a stealth religious person. No one ever expects me to be religiously observant in any way. I *seem* like a normal person (in my circles) and then people find out that I observe these religious rules, attend synagogue regularly, etc. I always felt I did a lot of good that way. Now I have the opposite problem. No one who sees me assumes I have anything in common with them. That's hard.
This was so interesting (your post AND the comments), and I love that way the new scarf looks, Ruchi! I have definitely seen some long, wavy, sexy wigs in my time so I get why the scarf would feel more authentic to the goal of modesty.
I actually feel that non-wig-wearers have a truer perspective on which wigs are alluring than those of us who wear them all the time and don't "see" it anymore. Styles have definitely gotten longer and wavier over the years.
I completely agree – not just non-wig wearers, but in general, people who aren't always surrounded by people who are wearing pretty wigs, have a less skewed view of what real hair looks like. (Sometimes it's not gorgeous, who knew!). As for the long, wavy wig styles, I think that's because long natural hair is "in" now.
I love Wrapunzel! I'm a huge fan of their tichel tutorials.