No one will complain when you get a bonus post in the middle of the week, right?
It’s been nearly five years since we’ve moved into our new home, and guess what? The pretty paint job is marred with spots and dents, the tile is cracking in various places, and the white pristine molding looks… neither white nor pristine.
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When we remodeled this home, I felt incredibly conflicted. Because I really, really liked my new house. In fact… I loved it. But you’re not supposed to love a house. You’re supposed to love people, experiences, God. So I worked on myself to channel that love positively. I will use my house for Torah! Host guests. Open it up for other people’s guests. Have Shabbos and holidays here. Have Torah classes here. Fill it with love for my family, warm memories, and delicious meals (that I will cook quickly). Then it will be perfectly legitimate to love my house, because it’s a house that is altruistic and not selfish.
I also asked myself two questions:
1. If the Messiah were to come tomorrow, and you had to leave this home and move to Israel, would you be sad or happy?
2. When the house shows its age, or the kids ruin it, as kids inevitably do so well, will you be resentful?
I gotta say, the first one was pretty easy. I would do it in a heartbeat. The second one was hard. And every day that my kids or guests have spilled grape juice on the carpet, thrown a cordless phone at the wall (fer instance), broken the lock on the back door (true story), or otherwise systematically and ruthlessly destroyed my beautiful home, with each of these moments I’ve tried to hard to remember “we love people more than homes.”
Julia Blum, a singer and songwriter originally from Beverly Hills, California, describes her very first Shabbos in Jerusalem as a guest in someone’s tiny apartment. The daughter was carrying in chicken on a beautiful platter, seemingly the only expensive item in the whole home. As she did, she slipped, and the tray fell to the ground and shattered. The parents’ eyes met over the table, and simultaneously, both shouted “Mazel tov!”
In Julia’s words, “It was the first time I had encountered the attitude that so instinctively, people were more important than things.” She describes, hilariously, walking into a home in her native Beverly Hills where you were met by a butler, your coat could only be hung in certain places, and some rooms were off-limits to guests.
So now it’s the moment of truth. The house is no longer new and fresh. Its age and flaws are showing. And yet, when I think back, I recall five years of great memories, great Shabbos meals, great events, great conversations. I love my house. And this time, for all the right reasons.
I hope it was a little kid and not a guest who threw your phone at the wall.
It was 🙂
We have to move to Israel when the Messiah comes?
Get to – not have to 😉
B'H
But if you can move to Israel any time you want, why not do it then? If that's one of the "prizes" or goals?
Ah…an excellent question that many have asked. Living in Israel is a mitzvah. How much it supersedes other mitzvot is the subject of much discussion (read: disagreement) within Orthodoxy. For example my husband and I have considered living there many times, but our ability to make a difference specifically to American Jews, in the culture where we grew up, seems to be what God wants from us right now. Also moving to Israel with teens can be highly problematic for their identity at these vulnerable ages. We've made the decision not to move there right now but hope that at some point in the future we can.
Thanks for doing this post 😉
Now I have the answer written for posterity so I can look back when i put an addition on my house, please G-d soon!
The Lubavitcher Rebbe said that when the Messiah comes our houses will go with us to Israel! To ensure this, he encouraged us to affix charity boxes to the walls of our homes.
So relate!
Especially living in an old home.
I too find solace and comfort in my home.
I no longer use the word love when referring to my home although I truly enjoy being home, in my house, flaws and all. Our motto: People first, things second.
Like our elders, my home get better with age.
More comfy, more lived in.
Less pristine, true.
But more real and more true.
Even more wise.
More Torah fills our home this year then 18 years ago when we moved in.
More prayers, more blessings, more growth.
More friends, more simchas, more joy!
That is what makes our house a home.
Just don't look too closely, like anything getting older, you will notice physical signs of aging.
But if you step back to view the whole picture G-d lives here.
Thanks for continuing to inspiring me, even at 6 am.
The linguist in me wonders if any other language has the distinction between "house" and "home." Does anyone know?
Interesting. I know in Hebrew it's one word: bayit. But the word "ohel" exists, literally meaning "tent," but it's also sometimes synonymous with "home."
Russian has only one word as well. Sometimes people try to make a distinction – in inspirational speeches and toasts, but it takes a paragraph to lay out the framework. Generally people resort to using the word for "building" to denote house as apposed to home (but only in that context).
In grad school I wrote a paper about how Americans define "home" as opposed to "house", particularly in the context of victims of domestic violence. I don't really remember my conclusions, but I think the gist was that "home" was emotionally positive and idealized, even when the reality of one's living environment including violence and misery. Maybe I'll try to dig up that paper and take a look.
In French you would use "chez moi", which literally means "at mine". So the sentence "I live in this house but I don't feel at home here" would be "J'habite dans cette maison mais je ne me sens pas chez moi ici".
I love this Ruchi! I struggle with not wanting to place too much emphasis on material possessions but at the same time want to enjoy the things I have. Shifting your focus so that the enjoyment is directed towards things that truly matter is such a nice way to balance these ideals and remember what is important in life!
Interesting reading your thoughts on this. I renovated my home about 2 years ago, spent a ton of money and the outcome wasn't as I expected. I was so disappointed and frustrated. In the end, I decided it was G-d's way of reminding me that materialistic pursuits aren't the things that provide real happiness. Instead of focusing on making my house perfect, I need to focus on myself. That definitely helped.
in general I don't get attached to material things. I moved countries and didn't take a lot of stuff with me when I began my new life, etc. HOwever, my house is something I feel connected too in a different way. It's a space rather than an object. Something about the atmosphere in my home, the energy, a sense of peace and joy and security I feel when I'm here, even though I try to remind myself that it's all ephemeral, that's the whole point of sukkos. But yes, I love my house. And when we were house hunting I prayed all the time that I would find the right place to be able to host guests, entertain and raise our growing family. Then we found it and it was perfect and not a day goes by that I don't appreciate anew and feel immense gratitude for what a beautiful perfect home it is. I don't sweat the scratched floors and battered walls because those I figure are fixable one day. It's not perfect floors or paint jobs that make the home the beautiful space it is.