A friend of mine emailed me this:
Hi Ruchi,
I really wanted to talk to you in person but everything is so busy (which is all good).
…I don’t like being called “secular” or “non-observant.” To me, Orthodox means you keep kosher, the laws of family purity [mikveh], and Shabbos, which I know is simplified. The word “Orthodox” to me is not as offensive as the word “non-observant” which isn’t totally true. My Reform and Conservative Jewish friends (classified by their shuls) practice Judaism in their own way. Maybe it is not okay to pick and choose but any of them make a contribution to the general society and to the Jewish community. I see frum [observant] Jews upset with other frum Jews that are different from them. I feel if you are not accepting, you are judging people, and that is wrong. That is why I don’t like the word “non-observant” or “secular.” I totally agree with your blog. I just wanted you to understand that putting anyone in a box is not good. The outreach groups [JFX, JLC, Aish, Chabad] have totally brought all Jews together. So thank you! What a Mitzvah.
… It seems like when I was in Israel everyone was going on their own journey. Some sheitels [wigs] and some scarves, some curly peyos [sidelocks] and some not. Some wear kippahs and keep kosher and some just keep kosher. …But I realize there is tension between frum and secular.
…Everyone makes their own contribution. It hurts me that Jews don’t get along. Can’t we all just get along?? I do believe there are Jews that don’t observe anything. This hurts me very much. Maybe if I must in a “box” I should be “traditional” but I really don’t mind being called Conservative because I conserve what I can, and outreach groups have helped me not stay still but strive to do more.
Would you agree with my friend’s assessment?
If you are not Orthodox, is there a name for you? Are “non-Orthodox,” “secular,” or “non-observant” offensive?
It's a very interesting perspective, but I guess I feel differently about it. I'm not that easily offended, and I don't find any of the terms we're discussing to be offensive. I have a need to categorize, just so as to make sense of my world (not as a mechanism to issue judgments). I view the terms "secular" and "non-observant" to mean someone who doesn't keep all 613 mitzvahs, which describes anyone not frum (me included). Of course there are varying degrees of being "secular" or whatever we want to call it. I assume that as being part of the label.
…yet, when you stand on the bus in Israel, and an Israeli of a different observance-level walks on the bus with a gun, nobody flinches. There is a certain brotherhood that is unique there, a certain sense of fierce unity. It would be amazing to see that replicated in other parts of our world…
I don't know about the labels issue, but I very much agree with the concern about Jews being very critical of each other's practice. I know that it is difficult not to be judgmental, but Jews seem particularly good at it.
In the same way that I find it impossible to believe that there is a Supreme Being that would condemn a human being for not believing that someone is the messiah, as some Christian sects do, I also find it impossible to believe that the Jewish path I follow is less acceptable than the path of a very Orthodox person.
I very much agree with the last paragraph of this guest blogger – being a Jew who is very active in my community, who interacts with Jews of all denominations of a regular basis, who observes first hand how hurtful the criticism is, I do wish we could grow from our own paths but be very respectful of the paths of others.
Great comments! And my answer is: it depends. If we choose a name for ourselves, it feels good until someone uses it in a derogatory way. I do have a problem with "non-observant" and "non-Orthodox", because they define people by what they don't do. And "secular" means different things in different places.
Like your friend, who doesn't mind being called Conservative, I would happily identify myself by the name of the Reform Movement, because I believe that we are continuing a proud tradition of Jews in every generation who have adapted their practice to the world they found themselves in. But there are too many people who declare "I'm Reform – we don't do anything." And that's not me at all.
Is it helpful to label ourselves and each other by exactly which of the Oral and Written laws we observe, and with what level of strictness? The diversity among us is so much better and richer than that!
Secular– offended, no. Hurt, yes. The word carries with it a connotation of completely unreligious, and I am not that. Non-orthodox is probably closer to the truth, but it feels a little awkward. Maybe unorthodox? That's what I'm going to go with– a little truth, a little humor. Seems to fit me well.
A woman in my community wrote a blog about the label "Reformadox" to coin a new phrase about people like me (who are on a path of steps of increasing observance). I took a little issue with it, because it felt like she was saying that the Reformadox pick and choose what observances we want to take on based on what fits well or is easiest. I felt like it was a little too simple.
What I wanted her to mention was that when we choose to do part of a mitzvah (for example, I'm working on food brachos right now) but not others (I have not taken on benching), it's not because I don't feel like it is applicable to my life or necessary in today's society, but because I am a human being with frailties and challenges, and at this point I am not able to take that on. Doesn't mean I think it's irrelevant, doesn't mean I think "I don't need to do that, ever." I plan on growing into it, I daven (pray) for G-d to give me the strength to always increase my connection to Him and allow me to take on more mitzvos. I believe with all my heart that G-d wants me to perform all the mitzvos (that are applicable today, of course) and each of them IS applicable and vital today, but the challenge completely lies within me, and I need His help to grow into the person who can perform them all. There's not a label for that.
I find this debate interesting and agree with the previous comments that sometimes not having a label but explaining who you are is sometimes easier and that diversity is a fabulous thing.
On Tisha B'Av I went with my husband to our local synagogue to watch a video. What I found compelling was that the Rabbis were talking about unity, but from the get-go they were using terms which I felt put people into different boxes. Aside from placing people in a certain box, although the Rabbi's messages were in the right place, I questioned who was watching the video – I was at an Orthodox shul – what were the men and women around me talking about on their way home, what would they reflect on in terms of unity for the rest of the day, or year? Were other Synagogues that were defined as non-Orthodox watching the video (it turned out when I did a search that the answer was no). It bothered me that we pinpoint and then within a video on unity there was much pinpointing and pigeonholing going on particularly if the video was only being shown at certain synagogues within a very large and diverse city on an important reflective day.
My practice is Orthodox and I do Orthodox things, but at the same time, it's not. I don't think my Jewish philosophy or ideology falls into Orthodoxy on all issues; my Conservative upbringing heavily influenced my thoughts and so there are issues where I recognize in myself that I fall into the Conservative camp and where observant friends and family would disagree. My husband calls me Modern Orthodox, my mother calls me adhering to the original mandate of conservative Jewry from the 1850's. So which am I? Probably a bit of both, and that's ok because I like the idea of bridging different perspectives and practices.
When I first got to know my husband's family, I had a very hard time – I found some of what they said insensitive and on occasion offensive about different practices and perspectives, especially when some of those were how I was brought up. Fortunately, we spoke about it and as they got to know my parents and family, things have turned around and they can see the value in being raised not necessarily Orthodox but with a deep appreciation and knowledge about being Jewish and Jewish practices. I still question some things that are said but I feel comfortable in raising those questions and perhaps challenging some of their notions about Jewish people who observe differently then they do.
So in the end my reaction is that to call someone secular without actually knowing their thoughts or practices is hurtful to others and to us as a Jewish people. Diversity in practice is interesting, we should talk about it more and learn from others about why and how they do and see the world. We talk about being am ecad (1 people) but when we apply labels, we can't get to that stage.
Just to throw something out there, the word "Gentile" describes what one is not. Apart from the weirdness of having a word that applies to over 99.5% of the world that describes that they're not the fraction-of-a-percent, do you feel this word is outdated/offensive/not PC?
Oh my goodness, i just wrote a whole long thing and lost it….
Timely topic, because I was just trying to explain all this to my 8 y.o. last night. Her need to label and define people is developmentally appropriate, but I am reluctant to give her boxes to put people in. I don't want them to stick, and close her mind to the subtleties of human behavior. I basically said that "Orthodox" Jews (her nuclear family and most of the people she knows, but not all of her relatives) have the idea that Gd gave us all the laws of the Torah and we must follow all of them, and other Jews believe that the Torah helps make us special and they choose which laws they want to follow. It is so important to me to teach her to respect each person's choices, but it is hard to do.
The 19th/20th century labels of Reform, Conservative, and Orthodox seem so limiting. Some of my self-identified Reform relatives live Judaism so differently from others with the same label, and so differently from previous generations. Conservative today ranges from barely acknowledging holidays to daily involvement in prayer and Torah study. I think it is a broader swath of lifestyles than it was when I was raised Conservative in the '70s.
To respond to your additional comment, Ruchi – I have always disliked the word "gentile" or "goy." In my mind they are the norm, we are the outsider. Also, "they" consist of so many different peoples, how can we lump them all together?
I am in the midst of reading the book "Hush" by Eishes Chayil (an important book, and a good topic for a future blogpost for you), and I have been struck by how clearly the Chassidishe world tries to define us vs. goyim. And yet how that delineation ultimately fails. It fails partially because the system has no place for the myriad other Jews, and partially because non-Jews are indeed good people, too. The main character in the book doesn't know what to do with "goyim" that aren't evil incarnate.
I guess I am a big believer in self-definition. My friends who are Christians believe differently from my friends who are Secular Humanists, which sometimes overlaps with my friends who are Jews by birth/culture with no religious observance.
Sindy: interesting, because I always wondered if "secular" was too broad.
Anon: fierce unity, and also fierce sibling rivalry…
Susan: the rub is being "respectful" of paths we (fiercely) disagree with. Must we indeed be respectful of every path? Can it be enough to be respectful of people, despite their ideologies?
SavtaV: I must agree that I have heard that refrain often, mostly in an apologetic voice.
Bohemian: I am very familiar with your feelings, as I have many friends in your boat! They don't want to be called anything.
Hilary: your story is so interesting to me. I'm not sure if you crave a label, or enjoy the freedom of bucking a label. Do you know? When you say diversity in practice, how diverse can it get before it offends you or your values? Ie, if someone converts out, shall we celebrate diversity?
Miriambyk: That is indeed an age of craving labels. Do you feel the need to give your child a value system along with the descriptions of what "different people do"? But perhaps you feel that might be wrong, or judgmental? I love your final paragraph (of your first comment) and completely agree with that. Re: goyim, please recall that when Chassidic life began, the goyim were regularly looting, pillaging and massacring. Nevertheless you bring up an interesting and important point and that is distinction between Jew and non-Jew (or maybe I brought that up 🙂 There is certainly value to that; perhaps to be explored at some point in the future. Meanwhile, can you elaborate on what you mean by "self-definition"?
@Ruchi – I try to give stronger weight to the Orthodox perspective. It is the life I've chosen, I believe in it deeply, and I certainly want my daughters to walk the same path. But it is tricky, because I don't want her to judge negatively her many relatives who disagree about Torah m'Sinai. I want her to know that we are all Jews, equally good, equally loved by Hashem, regardless of personal practice.
In terms of "self-definition", I mean letting people select labels for themselves. I am comfortable being called Orthodox, observant, frum, shomeret mitzvot, Torah-based. The woman who wrote this post thinks of herself as Conservative or Traditional. I know people who call themselves "Conservadox" or "Flexadox". So I think it is important to ask rather than assign labels from the outside.
THIS was interesting! I think the label thing is so hard, because nothing is black and white. No one would consider me Orthodox, but I am a deeply religious person. Yet, not "frum" by conventional parlance, although that is what the word means.
My husband and I are working very hard to change the way Reform Jews think of themselves ("I don't do anything so I must be Reform" OR "I'm Reform so I don't have to do anything."). We believe very deeply in personal responsibility and being an active, thinking Jew, not a Jew by default. We are also working hard to change the way those not part of the Reform movement view Reform Jews.
Although when people (Reform, Conserve, Ortho) look at us from the outside, they think Oh they're Modern O, because we are pretty observant. When we say, we're affiliated with Fairmount Temple, often we get, "Oh, so you're just Reformed?" And then we have to point out that a) It's "REFORM" not reformED (we are not Jews who have been reformed of anything, say an addiction or crimes), and no we are not "just" we are fully members of the Jewish people and embrace what the verb means 🙂
On the flip side, when people (Reform, Conserv) discover that my bro and his wife are *gasp* Orthodox, (which people often say in a whisper, like my grandmother used to talk about cancer), they automatically assume a) they have 27 kids and live on welfare, b) they don't talk to our family, and/or c) they are radical right-wing-extremists who hope to convert and brainwash everyone else. I find this reaction as irritating as the "Oh, so you're just Reformed" comments.
It's education, people, and this blog is going a long ways towards dispelling myths and ignorance. So maybe labels won't be so important one day. We can just be . . . Jews.
I realize it is human nature to want to compartmentalize things and make them easier to understand, but in this case I think it's just too hard.
We're all Jews. I'm a Jew. I'm a Yid. I'm good with that name. Everything else is decoration and accessories. It certainly makes it easier is many cases to know where people stand on certain things . . . but overall I feel like the labels often hinder. Just my 2 cents. Or, 50 or 60 cents as I look back and see how long this comments is! Sorry 🙂
I think this convo is very valuable, and I like miriambyk's definitions. Personally, I dislike "orthodox" and such, since it's my belief that all Jews keep some mitzvos, not others – some put the emphasis more and shabbos and kashrus, while others put their emphasis more on tzedaka and honoring their parents – all of which are important mitzvos. The labels sometimes refer more with code of dress than actual practice. Unfortunately, I've come across too many "frum" Jews who really are anything but and then again, "secular Jews" who are genuine, warm, gracious people.
We've grown too accustomed to classifying according to the mitzvos between us and Hashem, whereas it's becoming clear to me that Hashem may treasure basic human values and brotherliness more.
(ftr – I believe that the Rebbe intended the wig to enable women from different backgrounds to feel comfortable covering their hair in all social situations and that gedolei yisroel's words are timeless.)
Glossary:
the Rebbe – can mean a Rabbi, but often used to refer to the lubavitcher rebbe (of Chabad fame) Rabbi Schneerson.
Gedolei Yisrael : literally, the great ones of Israel; refers to Torah sages, scholars, and leaders.
@ Ruchi: I would say it's both – I grew up not really being labeled 'conservative' but since becoming more observant, I feel that labels have been put on me – whether it's asking me if I'm Ba'ali tshuva or how Orthodox I define myself. My husband gets that too (about me) since he was brought up frum and he is often asked how he gets along with my family (his response: they are now my family and I get along with them just as I do with my own).
I don't know about converting out – although I do know lots of people who have intermarried or are inter-dating – this has happened within my close family. I know people who have converting in too.
When I wrote that we should celebrate diversity, we should celebrate diversity of Jewish practice and appreciate however someone identifies as a Jew. Why? Because discrimination against people is often based on labels, and so many unjust actions comes from this type of hatred. Do we have to agree with how someone practices or identifies if it is outside of our understanding of practice – no. But I think we have to be open to a dialogue and listen to the other person's perspective to at least understand where they come from. I know lots of people who are Jewish by birth only. They don't know much about Jewish practice, but they know that they are Jewish and for them, that's what matters. Okay, I think Judaism is more than that, but if you know you are Jewish, then that's a start, right? Hopefully you grow from there?
Leah, I'm cracking up.
Rena, I have heard that too – about the Rebbe and the wig. Thanks for the insight.
Miriambyk, I incorporated some of your thoughts in a talk I gave over the weekend at a Shabbaton…thanks!
And Hilary: no question that it's a start. And hopefully, yes, you grown from there. But I don't believe it can be left to "hope" – because too many Jews are simply uneducated. But all of you that are even participating in this conversation are already doing something about that. So thank you!!
ruchi, thanks – it was rude of me to use these words w/o explaining myself.
Bohemiandoc – imo, in your last para you completely defined an "orthodox" Jew. None of us ever reach perfection; the best we can do is continue to strive.