A Facebook friend of mine who made aliyah last year (ie moved permanently to Israel) posted the following:
“I wish born and bred Israelis would understand that I can love Israel and be frustrated by it at the same time!”
Yes!! True!! Me too. I wish *I* would understand that.
On my recent trip I felt: intense love, frustration, nostalgia, guilt for moving away (we lived there for 5 years), relief for moving away, homesickness for Cleveland, homesickness for Jerusalem, cynicism at Israeli notions of service, and intense respect for their innovation, gumption, and sheer brilliance.
Hmmm.
You?
All I can say is, I feel ya sista. I didn't live there and I still long to be there… but for how long? How long will we last? I feel guilt over not wanting to pack up and make aliyah now. I have heard others who have or are living there say, "Israel is a tough life…It's super expensive…You have to merit to live there…Israel can chew you up and spit you out…(and my personal favorite) There's no Target." These statements, and my yetzer hara, make me feel defeated before I've even said to my husband, "We're moving!" So instead, I stay here in comfortable Cleveland feeling guilty for a moment and then moving on since guilt is not a Jewish trait (contrary to popular belief). But who am I kidding? It's always there. It's pushed back in the recess of my mind, right in the middle of "I should really exercise more. I should really learn Hebrew. To vaccinate or not to vaccinate? I should cook more and have more guests come for Shabbos." I then rationalize that at least I've been there and at least I long to live there one day. (You do realize there's a tennis match going on in my head and John McEnroe just threw another temper tantrum.)
I am the FB friend who made that comment…Yes it is frustrating to live with all the red tape, with rude people, getting yelled at when you don't understand something, dealing with socialized medicine, having to climb over people on planes/buses because they 'can't' just move over…to name just a few. But I just love that my children are learning AND living the Torah in Israel – they are not just places in a book, that my kids have an independence they never had in the States, that my husband can have a "l'chaim" bringing in the new year with the grocery delivery guy, that national Holidays are the Jewish ones, mezuzot are found on the doors of supermarkets, dr's offices and train stations, there is a pride to be a Jew across the lines no matter how observant you are or aren't – you never need to apologize, I can say that Israel is my home.
I will not lie. Life is not easy here but it's worth it. It is where Jews belong -plain and simple. Maybe you can't come today or tomorrow but have it on your radar. Make it a goal. G-d didn't give it to us just to visit and daven towards. He wants us to live here and to make it our home. Come home soon – your brothers and sisters may have a funny way of showing it sometimes, but they are waiting for you to come home too 🙂
I totally feel the mixed feelings you express. As I was watching footage of the Levaya of R'
Nosson Tzvi, I was imagining us having stayed- (we lived there for 4 years and change)…and being so much more plugged into that palpable Ruchniyus that is in Eretz Yisroel!
Heather, I'm laughing! So true.
Aviva, I do so appreciate your candor. I find some who make aliyah romanticize the experience (although some may argue I do that with Orthodox Judaism – what can I say? It's just my experience!).
Henny – no question about that. I'm right there with you.
as a veteran olah,I definitely don't "romanticize the experience". I well remember our trials and tribulations years ago, while in the crucible of harsh bureaucracy. (I still calm myself by being reminded that this is merely the modern watered-down version of pirates and stormy seas, that eretz yisroel is only gained through yisurim.) No, Israel is far from perfect but I still want to live nowhere else if only for the amazing zechus (merit) of being in a holy land where you can still feel and taste the spirituality if you only try and to live among fellow Jews – whose crusty exterior invariably shields a warm heart.