My friend Wendy is smart, cool, and funny. She runs her own custom cards business, learns mussar (Jewish character improvement), writes a popular food blog, and is a mom of 3. She always has something insightful to share. Here we go.
Be sure to check out her links at the bottom of her post.
Hi, I’m Wendy. I’m not “Orthodox.” I don’t know what you would consider me. I kind of like to defy labels. But I like to hang around with people who practice our religion in the traditional way. I learn a lot from them.
Last night I was at a party and I was talking to a perfectly nice woman. She was asking about the religious community that I am a member of. It also defies labels–of course–and I was explaining it as best as I could: the adults learn along side the children, our Rabbi and Rebbetzin are “Orthodox,” we are like a big, close family, and on and on.
And then she said it. “But aren’t the Orthodox so judgmental?”
Wah, wah.
I’ve heard this question/statement so many times before that it unfortunately didn’t come as a surprise. “Why do you say that?” I inquired.
I was met with some pretty ugly stories about how her family was treated by some people on a trip to Israel.
Okay, I admit, that’s not good.
And then I asked her some more questions. “Have you ever experienced this in the United States?”
“No.”
“How many people do you know? Five hundred? A thousand? And out of those five hundred, what percent of those people would you say have exhibited judgmental behavior at one point or another? How many people would you classify as downright judgmental people?”
And immediately she knew where I was going with this. I could see the light bulb moment.
People are judgmental. Not all of them, but some. That is the nature of human beings. Some way more than others. There are judgmental Atheists, judgmental Catholics, judgmental Reform Jews and yes, judgmental Orthodox. Are the percentages of people that judgmental AND Orthodox any higher than the percent that are judgmental and Non-orthodox?
I don’t think so.
And just like some people really are judgmental, there are also people that are very sensitive and tend to feel judged no matter who they are dealing with. They may be very concerned with what others think about them so they are on the lookout for signs. They might even mistake zealotry for judgmentalness. Someone who is excited about the way they are living their life that they just can’t help but try to try to share it with others would be misperceived as judgmental.
Or maybe calling someone “judgmental” is projecting their tendencies onto others. They know that they tend to judge others for their behaviors, so they assume that everyone thinks like they do.
I don’t know why this phenomenon exists exactly, but I do know that it exists, and in a very big way. But I myself have never experienced the judgmental Orthodox phenomenon.
What’s up with that?
Every segment of society has judgmental people. You just gotta go with what you believe and ignore the rest. I've experienced nasty judgmental people in my Reform community, the Conservative school my kids go to, and the Orthodox community in which we live. AND I've experienced amazing blessings and friendships in ALL 3 of those communities. I just don't take the former too seriously, and I cherish the latter with all my heart.
What I have trouble with is all the judgmental stuff that spills over into whole communities and affects the way we live. Infighting amongst Frum and non-Frum in Israel, the horrible tension many years ago right here in Cleveland when some of the Green Road area was being built (the angst made the NEW YORK TIMES. Really. Thank goodness that does not exist anymore). And lingering judgment and misconceptions that create a divide among k'lal yisrael right here in our own back yard. THIS is what makes me sad. The stuff that comes at me personally? Feh. Doesn't bother me. As my 13 year old son says, "Whatever" 😉
When I'm feeling judged about something, it usually has to do with my own insecurities about the topic upon which I feel I'm being judged. So as a Reform teenager, I felt judged by the Orthodox (truly, I was insecure as a Reform Jew having not yet found the path that was right for me). Now, as a mom of special needs kids, I often feel my parenting skills are being judged "what– her kid can't spend 10 minutes at a kiddush without biting anyone?" when in reality it's VERY few people actually judging, many more people hoping things get better or wanting to help, and me being insecure. The more secure each of us is with our chosen path in Judaism, the less judged we should feel, in my opinion. Be proud of what you observe or don't observe and know the whys/hows of each observance and know your own mind about what's right for you! Just my 2 cets!
What an excellent point! And well put. Thanks for this!
Nicely written, Heather. I was raised Conservative, and also felt judged when I moved to my current city of Minneapolis as an adult. As I look back on those experiences, I realize it was all about me and my insecurity.
The truth is that sometimes we are being judged, but that is not our problem- we can only choose how we act in this world, not how others do. I took a personality test once that told me I live in a world of my own creation, and usually bring others along with me. I internalized that to mean that if I act towards others as if they are good and kind and "assume friendship," they will respond in kind. The vast majority of people do, and those that don't generally fall away pretty quickly, I find.
Ladies, I could not agree with you more. Another angle: most people who feel judged probably don't often stop to wonder if they, too, are exhibiting judgmentalism… Could there be something proportional going on?
i think that one think that we all need is perspective that goes outside of our own religion.
whatever we do in life, regardless of race, creed or religion, is sadly going to reflect on others who can be identified as the same as us. If someone who is obviously orthodox is rude to someone else, it is human nature to assume that everyone who 'looks' like that is the same. it is definitely a character defect of human beings.
locally, we have a doctor who wears a kipa to work and he is such a total mensch. i have had numerous jews and non jews ask me if he is like that with everyone (the special treatment) or if it was just them. i think it is with everyone and thus, if someone who never met a religious jew before met him at work, their impression of religious jews would be a good one.
same as when people who are of a certain skin colour, or dressed the same way or however they can be identified. Where I live, i did not know any black people growing up. When i went to university, i had no preconceived notiions about people with dark skin. I still don't. in bad neighbourhoods in toronto, you are afraid of everyone, not just people with a certain skin colour or cultural characteristic.
i don't know if it is good or fair that as soon as we are identifiable as belonging to a specific group, or that wearing certain clothing makes our characters a certain way (just as people can assume things about modestly dressed people, so can assumptions be made about a woman wearing a tank top and mini skirt) but in either case, one would be wrong to assume things without knowing the people person, or to apply their assumptions about 1 mini skirt wearing woman to all women who wear mini skirts.
There is a definite responsibility on all of us human beings to not assume things about others, and in the case of jews with jews, it is especially incumbent on us to judge our brothers with the benefit of the doubt, going both ways. i cannot tell you the number of people i have heard diss other jews- to the point where it is worse than anything a non jew could say.
Well put.
Ruchi – I wrote that and my post got deleted! I feel like I get judged as judgmental by virtue of being "O"
🙂 No judging on my blog!
Nice post, and I love the title.
Thanks jrkmommy and welcome to ootob!