in the spirit of Tisha b’av
Oy, Faigy.
Another sister gone, lost to suicide.
Another sister gone, lost to suicide.
They ask:
But WHY? Why did she die? (whose fault)
But WHY? Why did she die? (whose fault)
Was it mental illness?
Her family and community who shunned her
for leaving her Hassidic life?
Her Hassidic life itself, as she indicated in a letter?
Pressures of the tech sector?
Her family and community who shunned her
for leaving her Hassidic life?
Her Hassidic life itself, as she indicated in a letter?
Pressures of the tech sector?
Faigy.
I didn’t know you and I never will.
Your wry smile fills the interwebs and bespeaks layers of things you knew.
So many things I want to ask you now.
What is it like to grow up Hassidic? How different is it from what I know?
In some ways we have our religious practices in common… in other ways I feel like we never actually lived the same life.
You went from Belz to… secular? Traditional? Atheist? I don’t know. And I can’t ask.
I didn’t know you and I never will.
Your wry smile fills the interwebs and bespeaks layers of things you knew.
So many things I want to ask you now.
What is it like to grow up Hassidic? How different is it from what I know?
In some ways we have our religious practices in common… in other ways I feel like we never actually lived the same life.
You went from Belz to… secular? Traditional? Atheist? I don’t know. And I can’t ask.
While I grew up joyous and happy in my religion of origin (lite-yeshivish?) and continue to raise my children along those lines.
What did it feel like to be shunned? I can’t even imagine being shunned by family. To not have home to come back to? Every human being needs love and belonging. What torture. What isolation and shame. What sadness.
How did you learn English? When? How and when did you learn social media? How and when did you sort through what about your upbringing had value and what didn’t? It’s a process I continue to go through and I’m 40.
Did you know that people like me would have cared about you?
Did you know that people like me who are not Hassidic, and don’t plan to be, still find beauty and value in much of it?
Did you know that you could keep parts of it?
Did you know that people like me who are not Hassidic, and don’t plan to be, still find beauty and value in much of it?
Did you know that you could keep parts of it?
Family of Faigy, oy.
I understand your pain. To have a child leave the life you painstakingly tried to raise her in? That you believe in with all your heart and soul? What torture. What isolation and shame. What sadness.
I can’t judge you for shunning because I don’t know you and have never been you. I’ve been taught to never, ever shun a child no matter what, no matter how far afield their values have strayed from yours, no matter how bad, how evil, no matter how shameful or embarrassing. But maybe you weren’t guided that way.
I’ve been taught that the relationship is always the most important thing.
But I refuse to judge.
Not the mental illness or how it was handled.
Not the family or community of Faigy.
Not the tech sector.
Not Faigy, for leaving.
Not the family or community of Faigy.
Not the tech sector.
Not Faigy, for leaving.
What this world needs in the aftermath of the loss of Faigy is ultimately what would have helped her in her life: more compassion, more tolerance, more acceptance. More seeing people who are really, really different from you in every way as humans. More bringing down barriers and opening conversations and getting past stereotypes of people who are religious Hassidic ultra secular goyim fanatics heretics.
More putting relationships first.
Faigy, I will do it for you.
For your memory.
For your soul.
For your memory.
For your soul.
Who’s in?
This is beautiful, Ruchi.
Thank you for this.
I cried. This was so beautifully written. Count me in.
Beautifully written! True words
That was a hug in prose. Beautiful. Thank you, Ruchi.
Ruchi,
Thank you. I come from the other way round….I estranged myself from my mother. I don't know if I told you that? Reasons too complex to go into: suffice to say, I had to. And two years after that, police came to my door, early morning, to tell me she had been killed in a fire.
I don't feel guilty, and never did, but I do still struggle. And I was given a huge amount of castigation of the really wicked kind. The only person who understood was my husband, who beamed up to heaven just over a year ago.
Apologies if Im making this seem about me….that's not my intention: it's just my thoughts on wondering what makes people take extreme action….I did not take it as far as Faigy, but I think there are always a multitude if reasons for things. And in some senses, no reason at all, at least not one which anyone other than the person in question can truly understand.
Hope you didn't mind my saying this. One of the things which has attracted me to your blog is the feeling of acceptance, even if Im not the same kind of Jew; you never make me feel 'less than', or wrong, or unwelcome. And that's a big, big, thing….a big help.
Alex
All perspectives are important here. You opened my eyes to a new perspective.
I'm in. Thank you!
Most parents raise their children to the best of their ability. At some point those children mature and accept responsibility. Many embrace the value system of their parents but others choose differently. Their choices need to be respected. As long as they remain decent law-abiding citizens does it really matter if our offspring have different political or religious affiliations? Or choose to explore life in different parts of the world learning about different cultures? Basic respect, dignity, compassion, empathy between parents and children, in-law children, siblings, fosters love, the main ingredient keeping families together.
Savta, you ask: "As long as they remain decent law-abiding citizens does it really matter if our offspring have different political or religious affiliations?" It DOES matter. It matters a lot. It hurts a LOT to religious parents when their kids leave, and it hurts less-religious (differently-religious) parents when their kids become more extreme. Even political affiliations matter to some. Yet, it must be surmounted.
Savta, the phrase "law-abiding citizens" implies that obeying the law DOES matter. But to religious Jews, the Law is the law of the Torah. So that does matter as much as obeying the law of the land matters to you. On the other hand, it's important not to reject the person no matter what. And in almost every case (if not every case) you can find lots to respect even if the child doesn't share your religious values.
Let's say your child does not obey the law of the land. We still need to love those children unconditionally.
I'll join the no blaming, no judging, more compassion and perspective program. In the spirit of this post, I'll stop myself there.
Lchaim to that. Thank you. And by the way, there is a time and place for that conversation. But for now, I'd like to concentrate on the no blaming, judging, more compassion.
This young woman looks extremely thin in photos. Perhaps she may have suffered from anorexia, which has a lifetime mortality rate of 15-20%, half of those from suicide. I am not in a position to know whether she did suffer from it, but I do know that much clinical treatment of anorexia is based on antiquated, unproven models of the illness. And where that is the case, I do blame medical establishments and professionals. It's their job to be up to date on evidence-based treatments.
Where professionals fail their patients, I do believe that blame is appropriate. I recognize that this isn't necessarily relevant to this particular suicide, but isn't it sometimes fully appropriate to blame? Not sure which conversation you postponed with Savta above, maybe that was the one. But where adequate information is present–about whichever element of the equation in this case–shouldn't blame/responsibility be placed in its proper place?
I agree with you that professionals can and must be blamed. Someone pointed that out in my Facebook thread. Rabbis who recommend shunning should be blamed. The conversation I postponed was to EA, about what about the Chassidic community needs work or how people like Faigy can be helped. How can kids who want to leave be coached? How can their parents receive the support they need? These all merit discussion but first, unconditional love and acceptance. You can't fix what isn't loved and accepted.
In light ( cause "in dark of" is not something we say?) of the incredible mess in Israel I revisited this post.
Oy. I've seen a lot of people in the gay community who left insular religious communities. I don't know ex-hasids personally, but I know ex-Mormons, ex-evangelicals, etc. Leaving a closed community is hard, regardless of the reason.
It's very hard to create a community that is open, in the sense that people can easily move in or out, but also highly supportive. Closed communities are more supportive, but also more restrictive. Restrictive communities can be cruel to those who don't fit in. So love and support and cruelty often go together, unfortunately.
Some people seem to understand the trick of loving those who are really different form you more than others. How do we learn from them?
http://www.imamother.com/forum/viewtopic.php?p=3367421
SDK, remember my post about the ex-Amish? https://outoftheorthobox.com/2014/08/book-review-growing-up-amish.html
I read that letter and had mixed feelings about it.
Beautifully said, especially in the days surrounding Tisha B'av.
Thanks Nina. Your post about Tisha B'av was just beautiful. Read it, guys. http://www.kveller.com/why-i-think-tisha-bav-is-the-yoga-of-jewish-holidays/