2. Why is my Seder different from all the other Seder?
3. Why is my kid different from all the other kids?
4. Why is my life different from all the other lives?
Because we were slaves to Pharaoh in Egypt, and God took us out of there with a strong hand
and an outstretched arm!
[Tap, tap.]
Um, God?
Yes, my child.
Can I ask you a question?
Always.
Why did you put us in Egypt in the first place?
You needed to be there, my child.
I don’t need to be there. I need to be
somewhere else.
Where would you like to be instead? Talk to me.
Anywhere but there! The pain is too much!
The differentness too great! The shame too painful!!! Do you love me or do you hate me?!
Always love, my precious one. Trust me when I tell you this is harder for me than for you.
You always say stuff like that!!
You’ll see when you’re on this side of the table, love. You can never fully understand it till then.
[Sob.]
God?
I’m here.
It’s too much to take. You have to save me. Take me out of my Egypt!!!!
I will, child. When you’ve learned what you need to learn.
So give me a hint! Throw me a bone! Just give me a cheat! Game over, I surrender.
I can only give you one hint.
Fine! I’ll take it!
I’m in Egypt too. I’m here with you. I’m crying with you. I’m holding your hand. Can you sense that?
It’s hard.
Can you try?
Maybe…sometimes.
I promise.
I believe you…
Sweet
Profound….
If I were the praying sort, I'd pray that you are able to eventually reach whatever degree of acceptance you (and your child) need you to reach. I do remember fighting tooth and nail against "acceptance" because it seemed like giving up. But if there's anything an autism/Asperger's family needs to achieve, it's acceptance…and it's not exactly the same as giving up. (And it is a function of time, for sure.)
I have to add that the word shame disturbs me, because while I can relate to the differentness and the difficulty, I never, ever felt shame about having an autistic kid. I think you must mean something different by "shame" than I am reading into it. Maybe it's the way we assume others blame us parents for somehow "causing" or "enabling" our kids' behavior? Acceptance helps: I am past caring what other people think.
Finally, after years of autism parenting and long ago reaching acceptance, just a couple of weeks ago I found myself bonding with my boss's executive assistant when I learned she also has an autistic son. Just knowing there are others like me nearby makes things feel so much easier.
Hey 🙂
I'm actually not talking specifically about autism, and I'm definitely not ashamed of my son (although sometimes situations can become embarrassing). I'm talking about any situation that people find constraining, dark, or embarrassing.
I don't know of many parents that don't struggle with some real challenging issues with at least one of their children. I often wonder why my parents even let (didn't discourage, in fact, encouraged) their children have kids–it's so difficult to raise them, no matter how much you love them.
I really experienced this as the child within us all, no matter our age or stage of life, struggling to free ourselves and to learn from our exile. Chag Sameach.
Beautiful (brutiful, actually). Thanks.
My personal conclusion, from reflecting on situations which have been painful for me in my life, is that the amount of pain I feel is very much a function of my willingness to see God creating my reality and guiding me through it. Bitachon is [for me] the main ingredient in any resolution.
Agreed. Which is what inspired this post. To help me remember.
I really experienced this as the child within ourself…struggling to free ourself from exile, regardless of our age or stage of life. And struggling to find God in our struggle to get out of our own Mitzraim.
Chag Sameach!!
Yes. Exactly.
Anorexia requires not acceptance but a big, long, ugly fight. I guess I'm probably a better fighter than accepter.
I don't sense God's presence in my daughter's anorexia. No handholding in her trying to starve herself to death.
Oy… While I don't understand your brand of pain, I feel your pain.
I often don't either feel the hand holding. That's why I write posts like this. To remind and reinspire myself. My heart constricts for you. I can't tell anyone else how to feel, only myself.
I get this and I love it.
Beautiful
WOW Ruchi!
This is so beautifully real.
Simple, yet profound.
You continue to amaz and inspire me.
Thank you.
I was recently at a somatic experiencing training,and at the end of the week ,each student was invited to share some takeaway thoughts. I totally shocked myself ,when I it was my turn and I said, first I’d like to thank Hashem for all the traumas in my life. At that moment ,maybe because I spent an intense week moving beyond the trauma vortex into the healing vortex , I had a momentary enlightment that went from my thinking brain into my kishkis, that indeed , all the traumas in my life had led to gigantic expansions and pushes, out of my constricted comfort zone , and moved me into places of growth I’d never have dreamed of even aspiring to attain. The niggling question of ,G_d did I and my loved ones have to suffer in order to learn these lessons ,has fallen away into the surrender of Hashem’s embrace. In the next wave of suffering will I still feel this way? With Hashem’s help and my trauma tools,I hope so. Thank you ruchy.
Thank you Leah. That is powerful testimony.