This is a cheap post, because I am posting the question and not the answer. It’s a super-busy time now, although the seders are over – I’m still celebrating Passover till next Tuesday night, with my kids off from school, lots of family coming and going, and fun times. I’d love to hear your thoughts. That said, here’s a Facebook message from a reader.
Dear Ruchi,
I know we’ve never met, but I follow your blog and I get your emails between Passover and Shavuot.
The
reason I’m writing you is because of my experience with my newly (about the last 7-10 years) Orthodox father. He is an ordained Conservative rabbi but he hasn’t had a congregation in over 40 years. I
grew up in a town where the closest synagogue was an
hour away. As the town grew, more Jews moved in, until there were finally
enough to have our own synagogue. My dad was not the rabbi – he had
returned to school and became a psychologist.
We were brought up
mostly Reform-Conservative. We didn’t keep kosher or even observe
Shabbat. I married a Reform Jew and we aren’t observant at all.
My
problem is that we drive from my home town to where my dad lives each year for Passover.
My dad has tried unsuccessfully to get us to attend his Orthodox shul.
We would prefer not to. This year he practically begged my husband to
attend and my husband tried as best he could to politely decline. My
father was more than offended. I don’t understand why it’s so important
to him that we go to his shul. He told me that he is uncomfortable at
and I quote “our church” (we belong to a Reform temple) where our daughter is becoming a bat mitzvah in October.
Thoughts? Advice?
I am writing at a moment of intense emotion and I am hoping that I can express how important it is to give honor to our parents, a mitzvah in which I personally have much to work on.
Today I attended the funeral of the father of a dear friend. His life was cut short way to early, G-d gave him only 5 short weeks after a recent cancer diagnoses.
All too often we take our parents for granted. My friend has now been cheated out of half of this mitzvah. So many of us complain about the little things we have to do for our parents, but I cannot even fathom to imagine not having another chance to do better by them. I know if I mess up, so, on the next visit, I will try harder, there will always be another chance, but I learned today, that this is not always the case.
If your father gets a little bit of nachas (pleasure) from your going to his shul once a year… a chance for him to show off his kids and grandkids and a chance to share a piece of his life with you, what harm can it possibly do to honor him with this wish.
I can understand if you don't want to attend an Orthodox shul every week, but if this is a once-a-year thing at Passover I would go to the shul that one time a year for the sake of compromise. If you really can't stand it, maybe go to the shul for just one day of chag and stay away the other days. Or you could cut down your time there by arriving near the end and just joining him for the last few minutes of prayers and the socializing afterwards. You could also ask to there go for a less popular service like a mincha service if you're afraid there will be a crowd in the morning.
By "get us to attend" I thought you meant that your father wants you to ALWAYS attend his synagogue, as in become a member, but it's not clear how far away that is and maybe he did mean once a year, as Anonymous above interpreted it.
For once a year, I would just do it. Make him happy, spend a few hours, no big deal. And maybe I would tell him that I'm happy to attend the synagogue where he feels so at home once or twice a year, but in turn please don't disparage the synagogue where I feel at home.
For regular membership, I don't see how you could if it's Orthodox and you are Reform-ish. Unless maybe you do just go a few times a year, but the bat mitzvah would be a big problem for instance.
Two thoughts:
1 – although the father has no mitzvah to honor the children, it's still disrespectful for him to refer to their synagogue as a "church". Perhaps he really feels that way, but there's no point to voice it.
2 – maybe the son-in-law really isn't comfortable at an Orthodox service – doesn't know the Hebrew or the various protocols of the tefilla. Like the other commenters, I would suggest living with the awkwardness for once a year, but we don't know the degree of awkwardness. If the shul is a mixed MO crowd, that's one thing; but maybe it's a shtibel where the son-in-law is really out of place.
Honestly, if my father was referring to my synagogue as a "church," I would be really disinclined to attend his synagogue, too. I'd probably suck it up and go in the interest of making him happy, but it doesn't sound like the father in this scenario is extending much courtesy or respect to his children, so I do think it's understandable that the children are reacting badly. After all, it's Dad who changed religiously here, not the kids. And as Tesyaa says, depending on what kind of an Orthodox shul Dad attends, it could be extremely uncomfortable for this family to attend.
I think the, "Oh, you should go, because your time with your parents is limited," while a fair point, is kind of a cheap shot. My father died when I was in high school, and yes, I miss him desperately and can think of a number of things that I might have done had he lived longer. Doing anything he ever asked of me, regardless of how it might conflict with my morals or the way I wanted to raise my kids or regardless of how he treated me, however, would not be on that list.
I think the questioner should sit down at a less fraught time of year and have an open, honest discussion with their father. Explain just why they're uncomfortable at his shul, explain how hurtful and disrespectful it is for him to be referring to their synagogue as a "church" (seriously, that's just totally beyond the pale and makes me wonder about what kind of middos this gentleman's synagogue is promoting) and see about coming to some kind of understanding. That may entail taking the kids to Dad's shul once or twice a year, but that's probably better than the other option, which seems like it could be on the horizon, which is to not visit over Pesach at all.
I don't think that saying the son in law's synagogue reminds him of a church is necessarily negative. It's a way for the father to describe how it feels to him. Many reform synagogues have organs at the service and organs are more commoly associated with churches then synagogues. Whenever I hear an organ, I associate it with a church.
When non obervant people become observant they often discover such great pleasures and want to share those new pleasures with friends and family.
When someone eats at a new restaurant that was great or sees a new movie, they tell their friends and family "you must try this new restaurant or see this movie: it's so great". I think oftentimes when orthodox Jews ask non ortho Jews to attend an orthodox shul or class, they just want to share it with the hopes that this friend or family member might enjoy it as much as they do (like the restaurant or movie). What I would like to know is: Why is the son in law so against attending the orthodox shul? Why won't he open himself up to just giving it a try? He might just find the people and experience very enjoyable.
You visit you father/FIL for Pesach and he wants to be with you. He is begging to share Pesach with you! Why wouldn't you all go to the same schul? It seems he wants to be a family together for Pesach. He feels he can't go to the Reform Schul in town, so why wouldn't you all go together to his schul? Is that really so threatening to your own self image or integrity or independence? And if it is, why?
He feels he can't go to the Reform Schul in town
And the daughter and son-in-law feel they can't go to the Orthodox shul.
I don't think that saying the son in law's synagogue reminds him of a church is necessarily negative.
I have never, not once, heard someone describe a synagogue as "your church" (using the noun) in a way that was not meant perjoratively. Not once. I have heard people say that the services are "churchy," or that parts of the observance seem reminiscent of a church service. If that's what the father in question is saying, fair enough, but if he's saying, "Well, I don't like going to your church," that's incredibly rude, disrespectful and fulfilling a whole host of negative stereotypes that heterodox Jews have regarding their Orthodox coreligionists. It's also pretty much the worst way to get the OP and their family to agree to go to his shul ever.
And really, what the father is actually saying is, IMHO, somewhat less important than what the OP is hearing, namely that his father doesn't respect his religious decisions or even consider the synagogue that he's attending to be a real synagogue at all. If the OP has expressed that understanding to his father, and his father is persisting in referring to his child's synagogue of choice as a Christian house of worship, he's not really doing a great job with this attempt at kiruv or whatever it is. On the contrary, he's just driving his family away and reinforcing whatever negative impressions they've formed about his shul. You can argue that he's right or not, but what's really important here? Being right or having his kid and grandkids go to his shul with him?
If you've discovered the joy of observance and want to share that, I think that's great. Of course someone wants to share something that brings them joy with their family. But why even criticize the other person's synagogue at all? Why not just focus on what's good about your own synagogue? If you're genuinely interested in someone approaching your religious practices with an open mind, willing to give it a try, telling them that their synagogue is, in fact, a church, is about the worst thing you could possibly do. And I say that as someone who is generally open to Orthodox services, has attended a fairly wide variety of them and tends to avoid Reform services that are heavier on organs, choirs or instrumentation. I wouldn't want to go to a shul with someone who had just described my own shul as a church, either, regardless of how I feel about Orthodoxy generally or Orthodox services in particular. If this person is my friend or loved one and feels comfortable speaking to me that way, I don't think I'd be very interested in finding out what the other people at that synagogue are like. This situation is somewhat different in that it's a parent involved, but even then, I can say quite safely that my reaction to something like that would be very negative, parent or no.
Also, has this granddaughter who is soon to have her Bat Mitzvah heard her grandfather speaking this way? How is this likely to make her feel? Is this kind of talk more or less likely to show her the joys of Orthodox observance? If I was eleven or twelve and preparing for my Bat Mitzvah and heard my grandfather talk about or my family's religious practices like that, I would have been crushed (and probably at least a little bit angry). I sincerely hope that whatever he might think of his family's religious choices, the FIL in this case has not voiced those feelings in front of his grandchildren.
I'm guessing your father described your shul as a church in a moment of anger, after you explained to him, perhaps less pleasantly than you would have liked, why you are not comfortable attending his shul.
The crux of the issue here is why you'd prefer not to go to the shul and why you feel so strongly about it that you're willing to make this a point of contention between the two of you. You don't write anything about that, so it is hard to advise you.