When did Bat Mitzvah become a verb?
The first time someone asked me if I “got Bat Mitzvahed” I had no idea what she was trying to ask. Was she asking if I turned 12? Was she asking if I had a party? Why did this question appear to be fraught? Was it a trick?
When I answered, “Yes, of course I had a Bat Mitzvah,” the reaction was invariably one of surprise. Then came the kicker: “So you read from the Torah and everything?” Now I was thoroughly confused. No, I didn’t read from the Torah. Was that supposed to be The Important Thing?
Clearly, we were speaking two different languages.
As I was growing up, say, 6, 7, 8, 9, etc, I was raised to understand a few basic tenets about life and Judaism.
1. God (we called him “Hashem” which is Hebrew for “the Name”) was a very strong presence in our lives.
2. He is a national and personal God.
3. There are all kinds of mitzvot/mitzvos we do (give tzedakah, eat in a Sukkah, pray) and all kinds of things we don’t do (gossip, drive on Shabbos, eat cheeseburgers), in accordance with the Torah, which is God’s guidebook for us.
4. When we would turn 12, and for boys 13, on our Hebrew birthdays, we would, according to the Torah, become responsible for our behavior in the eyes of God.
5. This is a big deal.
For awhile I thought the whole Torah thing was perhaps a ploy by the Adults to make us behave; I wondered if at my Bat Mitzvah my mother would tell me it was all a sham, but I should be sure to perpetuate the trick to the next generation to get them to obey their parents, not fight, etc.
I was wrong.
But many things were “practice” for post Bat Mitzvah. For example, if I skipped my daily prayers before my Bat Mitzvah, it wasn’t such a big deal, but after my Hebrew birthday, I understood that it really counted. If I fought with my siblings prior to my Bat Mitzvah, well, that wasn’t nice, but it was all really a rehearsal for post Bat Mitzvah, when my accounting in Heaven would begin. Yes, I knew all this at 12, as did my friends.
The actual celebration of The Day was a big deal, and fun to plan. My grandparents came in from out of town and we invited my friends and classmates to my home. My mother and I planned the menu and program. We had a delicious homemade dinner – all my favorites – and I got a new dress. I said a Dvar Torah from my parsha and we took lots of amateur pictures. I was happy.
But the main part was what would take place after – I was a grown-up in God’s eyes, responsible for my decisions and moral choices.
It never occurred to me to need more.
Yes, my brothers had a Bar Mitzvah. Yes, there were more guests than at my Bat Mitzvah. Yes, they read from the Torah. No, I was not jealous. Can I explain this? Here are some thoughts.
1. Just like the guy gets a bigger fuss at the Bar Mitzvah, the girl gets a bigger fuss at the wedding.
2. Somehow I just knew it wasn’t about the party. The party was so secondary to the real thing, which was life.
3. When you’re full, you don’t crave someone else’s food. I had a rich upbringing. My Judaic smorgasbord consisted of rich customs, intellectual offerings every single day, deep emotional connections to my faith, and very clear guidance on the very deepest questions of life. Why am I here? What is my soul? What does it all mean? I was offered answers to all these questions and to others I hadn’t even thought of. Reading from the Torah paled in comparison to living, breathing, and feeling Torah in my every pore.
So… yes, I was Bat Mitvahed!
Were you?
I grew up "unaffiliated" and so never had a bat mitzvah. I started to become more observant after spending a year in Israel during college. I've been thinking of having a bat mitzvah now! (at age 45).I sure don't need the party!
I had a B'nai mitzvah with my twin brother – I did read from the Torah (Parshat Miketz, maftir and half of the haftarah and gave the dvar torah at the shul) and my brother also read the maftir and the other half of the haftarah. I still know the trop to Rishon by heart from all those years ago because of his practicing! We had a big party, and I remember it being fun, probably more so because we were the oldest in the grade so having the party with a dj and all the family/friends was still a novelty. Was it as a big of a deal as I thought? Probably not – the dvar torah that I gave still stands out because the lessons that come down from the parsha about sibling rivalry seemed very relevant to growing up with a twin, who is my only sibling. The lessons learned about taking responsibility for my own actions, like your lessons learned Ruchi, also stand out. I remember really internalizing the idea that I was now an adult and that my parents were no longer responsible for my spiritual/religious needs and I had the means to make my own choices. Since becoming more observant, I don't know what will be in store for my future children, but I think that helping them understand that they now have the freedom to make their own choices as religious adults as well as providing them grounding in their parsha and Jewish law will be important to me. I would like girls to know that among other girls and their family they can sing their parsha if they chose to learn the trop, even if it is a practice not necessarily done in public at a shul like boys.
I had a bat mitzvah at a conservative synagogue. I did the Torah reading, but looking back on it I feel like there was too much emphasis on standing up in front of everyone and performing. Putting on a show, so to speak. I prefer the Orthodox way of giving a dvar Torah.
I'm kind of confused about what you're saying about being responsible to heaven because I learned that responsibility to a beit din shel matta begins at age twelve (or thirteen) but responsibility to the beit din shel maalah begins at age twenty.
By the way I really like the new font size–it's nice and easy to read! 🙂
I grew up in a traditional Conservative home, and most certainly did have a Bat Mitzvah. I went to a (non-frum) day school where we were all taught to read both Torah and Haftarah (and Megilla) tropes, so by the time I got to learning my actual parsha, it was pretty easy. I didn't do the whole thing, though, being intensely lazy, I only did the last 2 aliyas plus maftir. I also did the haftarah, gave a speech and led the whole service.
The thing that I got out of the whole experience was that I really, really, really didn't like getting up in front of people and performing (would you believe that of me now?). Also, being from a more traditional family than most of my classmates, my parents insisted on having a get together after Shabbos at our house, instead of at a country club like everyone else. As nice as it was, I totally felt like a religious nerd.
How nice it is now to be frum and have the societal expectations be so in sync with the real spirituality of the day. I feel like my daughter will one day (with Hashem's help) celebrate her Bat Mitzvah in the spirit that my parents had so wanted for me.
I had a Bat Mitzvah where I sang the Haftorah and gave a Dvar Torah. When we started affiliating with our Orthodox Shul, I was kind of disgusted by the lack of hoo ha about Bat Mitzvahs (lack of hoo ha in the religious sense- many of them seem to have parties anyways.) It just seemed so unfair that girls were not learning things like leading services and reading torah. I mean, it sure came in handy when my father in law was dying and my niece was learning from him for hers and then from my husband then when my husband was an avel, from me. I think that there are distinct advantages to teaching the Moms stuff they could potentially need to know with kids.
That said, it seems to me that more often than not, Bat Mitzvah is the great Kiss Off to Judaism. For both genders.
I live in a mixed community. I am not the frummest, or the least observant. My daughter will be learning Megillat Rut and we will be having a women's service where she can read for those who wish to hear her.
Most of all, I really tried to make it so that my kids were able to understand what their responsibilities were as jews by the time they got to bar/bat mitzvah. We did this by sending them to Jewish school, and eventually we became sabbath and kosher obserbant. They go to Jewish Camps (YAY OORAH!www.thezone.org) and my basic feeling is that what they observe is really between them and hashem- as long as they always respect the rules of our house.
Consequently, while I know of numerous 'frum ' kids who text on shabbat, so far, mine don't.
Hopefully it will stay that way, but ultimately, i know that they know that it is between them and hashem and that their decisions religiously will affect them and only them as long as they are respectful to those around them.
Sarah: Good question and glad the font is better! The answer is that while the "reckoning" begins at 12 for girls and 13 for boys, the consequences don't kick in till 20. Which, not coincidentally, is our entire adolescence – our grace period to make our mistakes and repent and learn from them. By 20, though, we're expected to have our stuff worked out! 😉
Schwevy, why girls and boys, and men and women, do not have identical roles in Judaism is the subject of a future post.
Anon, interesting how you felt like a "religious nerd" – it's hard when one's home expectations and one's social circles are not in sync. In either direction.
Hilary, I'm heartwarmed to hear that spiritual lessons stayed with you from your bat mitzvah. You are fortunate and perhaps rare.
So Roni, if you do want a "bat mitzvah" – IMHO it would be more about those spiritual lessons as opposed to a performance. Or you could just hire RTH for a rockin' party 🙂 Just don't forget to invite me.
Hi, although of course I don't know the context in which the original question was asked to you – I think there may be an aspect of it that you still have not grasped. In many chareidi circles here in Israel, the question "did you get batmitzvah-d" might mean – did you celebrate your Bat Mitzvah with more than a private family gathering?" Our girls were prohibited by their school from inviting more than TWO friends to our family celebration of their Bat Mitzvah. Yes, you heard right – TWO FRINDS ONLY. I tried to persuade them to invite more, but they were afraid they would get found out and punished. Anyway as this comment is so negative, I guess it will get moderated out…
Jonathan, it wasn't negative but it was a complaint, so perhaps I shouldn't have published, but I couldn't resist!
I have three questions for you.
Did you know about this rule prior to enrolling your children in this school?
Are there likewise restrictions on bar mitzvah celebrations?
Do you know the reason for the rule?
Growing up Conservative, I had many of the same experiences as above. I "performed" the whole Bar/Bat Mitzvah ritual like many girls as well as boys. Now that I'm a mom, and Orthodox in observance, I feel sad for girls who are made to feel like they have to be like the boys, or their worth is somehow lessened if they don't read from the Torah, or if they don't wear a kippah and tzitzit.
But what we didn't understand is that the role of a Jewish woman is so beautiful and so unique, why is it that women feel like they need to take on the men's mitzvot? Women and men are different, and thank G-d for that! He made us different and unique in a very beautiful way, and gave us different mitzvot to observe, that a man intrinsically cannot.
My 9 year old attends an Orthodox day school, and learns the parshiot every day. I'll tell you that not only will she be able to read any parsha from Torah by age 12, but will translate and understand it too!!! But will she feel that she needs to stand up there in front of an entire congregation and guests to prove it? No. Because even for BOYS, this is not the purpose of his Bar Mitzva! Even for a boy, the coming of age to put on tefillin and take on all that it means is the Mitzvah, the daily mitzvah that begins with the privilege of turning 13. And for both my daughters, the learning will continue, G-d willing, throughout their entire lives.
As Schwevy mentioned above: unfortunately 13 is seen as the big "kiss-off" to Judaism for some people. And yet, Bar and Bat Mitzvah is truly when the excitement of living a Jewish life just begins!!!
"When you're full, you don't crave someone else's food." This really struck a chord with me. Beautiful!
Thanks LM and welcome to the blog! Loved checking out yours too!
How interesting about the girls being expected to perform. ftr, not all my boys "performed" at their bar-mitzva celebration, either. Some did and others didn't – whatever suited him at the time.
The real requirement for boys is the party (yes, for boys it's required), being called up to the Torah (an "aliyah"), and starting to lay teflin; anything more is optional.
In our circles (Lubavitch-Chabad), the Torah speech is considered more important than reading from the Torah.
Rena, as far as I am aware, neither the aliyah nor the party are required.
I think it is a mitzvah to acknowledge the milestone in some way, but that way may be as subtle as making a l'chaim.
Starting to lay tefillin: yes, but so is every other positive and negative mitzvah obligatory starting then.
well, a meal-party in honor of the bar-mitzva is considered a "seudat mitzva"; it may not be obligatory but merely commendable and participation is considered doing a mitzva. (the DJ is certainly optional!)
The special aliyah on or soon after that day for a bar-mitzva boy is also brought in Jewish law.
Again, the meal-party is a seudat mitzva only if it takes place exactly on the Hebrew birthday – many do not (in Chassidic circles they do) or if someone celebrates a siyum (finishing a piece of Torah study).
I would imagine a bat-mitzvah on the Hebrew birthday would qualify as well – why not?
The aliyah, again, is a custom. A beautiful one, but not mandated.
no, a bat-mitzvah even on the Hebrew birthday does not qualify as a seudat mitzva (unless it's also a siyum) Yes, Virginia, there are gender differences in the Torah world.
But you are right about the aliyah not being an obligation – how about that! you learn something new every day – thank G-d.
Rena, firstly whether a bat mitzvah on the date would qualify for a seudas mitzvah is under discussion in the sources. Some (seridei aish) say yes and some say no. It really depends on the community.
Also, the Ben Ish Chai mentions (1800s I think) that the Bas Mitzvah should be a day of celebration. The Bas Mitzvah girl should wear a new outfit and recite a Shehecheyanu to celebrate her entrance into the “Ol Mitzvos”-the responsibility of observing Mitzvos.
Finally, personally, bar mitzvas are also way over the top: Rabbi Moshe Feinstein (foremost Orthodox decisor of Jewish Law said in 1957 that if it were up to him, he would not have anyone make a bar mitzvah the way they make them in the US.
In many chassidic communities, the bar mitzvah consists of getting an aliyah (no reading from the Torah), and hosting a small affair for immediate family only on the Hebrew birthday.
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who has been doing a little homework on this. And he in fact ordered me
breakfast simply because I found it for him… lol. So let me reword this.
… Thank YOU for the meal!! But yeah, thanx for spending some time
to discuss this subject here on your web page.
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