A while back, an online friend of mine, Allison Josephs (aka Jew in the City) posted the following video, entitled “Orthodox Jewish All Stars.” The tagline was: Are all Orthodox Jewish men rabbis? Are Orthodox Jewish women allowed to work? Find out from these Orthodox Jewish All Stars!
I loved the video. Especially the part about Tamir Goodman, a neighbor of ours and personal friend of JFX, my organization. But something about it niggled in the back of my head and kept rattling there. I wasn’t sure what it was, so I ignored it and figured that it would go away.
Not.
Another blogger who always makes me think, PopChassid, wrote this little number, and as soon as I read it, bingo. I knew.
It’s all about defining normal.
Much of the time, I, too, try to show the world that yes, I am Orthodox, but I’m still normal. Which means I like stylish clothing and looking good. I like to be in the know when people crack pop culture jokes. I like to be up-to-date, respected, by the standards of the world. <—– See that? By the standards of the world.
In Allison’s very excellent video, which addresses a real misconception, she shows how wonderful the “all-stars” of Orthodox Judaism are. But by whose standards are they all-stars? By the standards of the world. They are quintessentially normal. No, better than normal. They take the standards deemed “normal” – successful financially, famous, esteemed – and excel therein.
But why are we buying into those standards? To me, a Jewish all-star is someone who excels in being Jewish. In promoting and living Jewish values, such as kindness, Torah, humility, generosity, faith. Granted, many of the all-stars featured are doing both – for all I know, they all are – I don’t know them all personally – but this is not exactly what they are being lauded for here. They are lauded for their cool careers that are normal by the standards of the world.
Why am I being critical? It’s not really my style.
But this was a very important recognition for me to make personally. When I think of myself as “normal” (by the standards of the world) I may fail miserably. I have a lot of kids. I only wear skirts and dresses. I cover my hair. These things aren’t particularly normal. And that’s what I walked away from this whole tararam with – that while my lifestyle, personality, and personal practices may sometimes jive with the world’s standards of normal, and that’s all fine, I shall be equally proud where they don’t.
Now, my chin lifts with pride and gratitude when someone asks me if my youngest of seven is my fist child. My heart soars with coolness at my somewhat counter-culture skirts. My mind expands to recall that my covered head is an external sign of my status as a married woman.
These are things I need to remind myself of. Because I, too, am subject to everyone else’s standard of normal. And I wish I weren’t.
PS Update/response from Allison Josephs:
I’m not sure if you noticed me say it, but the line that sums up all the “success” is me saying: what makes this group extraordinary is not just that they thrived professionally, it’s that they stayed true to their Jewish heritage while doing so even when it wasn’t always easy. Now that’s what I call an all star.
excellent! all except for the last line.
I well remember reading in reader's digest that "normal" is really just a setting on your dryer. it means, well – statistically average. and nobody wants to be just a statistic or average. We all want to be the best at whatever we are. So even better would be to take "normal" out of your vocabulary entirely. and decide for yourself the standards you want to be judged against.
Love this. You rock the skirts, tichels, sheitels, and kids. WHO CARES what the world's standards are???? I sure don't.
Spot on! You are a unique, infinite spark of the creator… which defies any limits, never mind so called standards of "normal". Being open, loving, and accessible does not mean buying into the standards that are pushed upon so much of our society. And certainly not defining ourselves by them. Conversely, for most connection-seeking secular people, being a "normal" religious person is kind of a turn off, because those seekers are looking for more than that!
I just think that normality is a rather restricting category, also for non-Jews. I also do not fit many ways of "normality". I struggled quite a while with this fact, but then I found out that my personal uniqueness is a fountain of strength. When I dared to walk along my path as myself, I felt not only in sync with my inner core but derived a whole lot of strength and gratification from it.
It was a huge step for me not to give others the power to make me a subject of their standards. That was an empowering experience that I had to decide on myself – and while they might still judge me, it is their issue, not mine. Maybe that turn of the perspective might help you as well on your unique and beautiful path. Lots of love to you!
I love this, and I'm really glad that you are proud of your Orthodox life, Ruchi. You absolutely should be. However, I do want to point out that due to the many misconceptions people can have about us "religious weirdos", it can really be a Kiddush Hashem to show that a person can be close to G-d and still be educated, have a fulfilling career, love fashion and/or sports, etc. Part of the problem that perpetuates the myths is that many people haven't encountered an Orthodox Jew in real life, and the Internet can be a useful tool to separate the fiction from facts. So don't feel the need to wave the "I'm Normal, Swear!" banner–just by being kind and relatable (as one of your facebook commenters pointed out), and having a great sense of humor on here, you are representing religious people well, too.
Yes – I absolutely agree. And I recognize and value that point of the video – highlighting the "normal" we share in common. And thanks for the kind words!
Thanks so much for mentioning and linking to me! Love this new post, and I'm getting very excited to have you contributing to the Jewish online dialogue again.
Thanks, everyone, for all these great comments.
Please notice the PS response in the original post from Allison.
There is another relevant definition of normal — not crazy, not mentally ill. To some secularists (such as some of my relatives), believing in Gd and living my life according to ancient Jewish guidelines must be the result of being crazy or brainwashed or uneducated. It is important to show the world that we are psychologically sane, grounded, balanced, intelligent and educated, and are living this way because it is what we believe in and it makes sense to us. Don't underestimate the importance of being normal!
P.S. Welcome back! I've missed you over the summer.
That's a great perspective, Miriam. I laughingly remember when a friend went away to yeshiva in Israel and told me his Rabbi there told him, "Don't forget about the first two commandments: 1. Be normal. 2. Don't be crazy." Don't underestimate the importance of being normal. So if here we are defining "normal" as grounded, balanced, intelligent, and educated – well, yeah, I'm all for it.
Oh, and thank you for the warm welcome and all your words of encouragement throughout my blogging.
Ruchi, I don't think Allison was trying to define an external standard of success as "normal" and she definitely didn't seek to demean rabbis or housewives.
The point of the OJAS video is that being Orthodox doesnt have to mean giving up your career; yes you can be top in your field while also being a frum Jew.
It's a commonly heard stereotype that Orthodox Jews don't work, or only work in menial jobs (and in some communities there's a truth to that particularly if they discourage secular education). But OJAS shows that it's not true.
Another benefit of the video is, for example, if someone wants to become frum but they believe keeping halacha might hold them back in their career, showing them examples of people who made it work tells them, "you can do it too." I think it's a very encouraging message.
ps- next year's Orthodox jewish all stars nominations are opening up very soon! sept. 1.
I understand, Leah – but thanks for clarifying. Are you part of the JITC team?
sorry, should have said. full disclosure- yes 😉 i still feel entitled to share my opinions about it!
and thanks for sharing your opinion, it makes me think more about defining the messages we give out. trying to incorporate that into this year's messaging.
also btw you were my camp director in Rina!
Hey, I know you personally girl. You're not normal. You way better than that. You're extraordinary. 😉
I didn't watch Allison's video, but I know exactly what she is getting at. The secular world think that the frum world is not normal. They think frum = extreme. Allison is probably trying to combat what she knows 90% of all secular jews think about frum jews. I give her total props for that.
Aww. Thanks Wendy! You are spot on – that is exactly what Allyson is trying to combat. And I agree with you that it's an important mission.
Yeah, I can imagine the video leaving a rattle in the back of my mind as well, and I'm not even O. It's so cheery, but there is no real clarity on what kinds of compromises or struggles had to happen for those successes to occur together with O life. But ok, that wasn't the goal of the video.
It also lumps together a lot of different strands of O (based on what I have learned here), it seems to me. Most of the people shown did not 'look' O or appear to live in an O-centric world. It is certainly important to show that not all Os look or live one way. But if I were an O who dressed and lived in a less 'societal-normative' way I might feel like the video is TOO 'normalizing' of O life. And I will confess that to me the video makes non-societal-normative-looking Jews look even 'weirder' because, well, why don't they go ahead and look like THESE normal-looking Jews instead?
Now thinking that through, I have to say it makes me LIKE the video again for reasons it probably didn't intend: in trying to show how Os can be so successful and do lots of things, it instantiates the PROBLEM of trying to say what "O" or even "Jewish" is, by representing it in a way that perhaps inadvertently leaves out a lot. So I like it because it is like a symptom of a bigger conundrum.
There has been some discussion on the Jew in the City page specifically about the spectrum of O Jews included in Allison's videos. Her intention (if I may be so bold as to speak for her) is to show the range and diversity within O Judaism. Interestingly, she has been criticized by O Jews for not showing enough of a spectrum, or of not showing enough of the people that they consider "normal", or whatever. Can't please everybody!
It IS a conundrum. In general, it is. How much to show the world we're "normal" and how much to wear (in a manner of speaking) your religion with pride? (Note, for example, Tamir Goodman's flying tzitzis. He doesn't care about "normal" there. And in his talks, he's described – with complete humility – the immense respect he got from so many. That comes from integrity and honesty and total, complete fidelity to one's faith.) I walk this line all the time, as does anyone in my kind of education.
Re the spectrum. Oh, I'm so cool with that. I love that. But I loved this line, SBW: "And I will confess that to me the video makes non-societal-normative-looking Jews look even 'weirder' because, well, why don't they go ahead and look like THESE normal-looking Jews instead?" Yup. My husband is a rabbi. He's an all-star too! 🙂
You know, even those of us who are far less observant struggle with wanting to be seen as normal. For a while, in my 20s, I relished being different and felt like this was the key to my inner strength. But I've learned over time that I like connecting with people, I like connection, not distance, and to introduce difference often creates distance. At work, I was recently explaining to a colleague that we take Shabbat seriously, although we are don't observe all of the rules. And she said "oh but you don't do all that crazy stuff like not watch TV and not drive and stuff, right?" which is hilarious because we are planning to become more observant of Shabbat and the very first thing we stopped doing was watching TV and the thing I am trying hardest to figure out right now is not driving. So much for being normal. So of course, I had to say, "actually …"
Anyway, for me, at least, I know that I'm not that much like other people or most people or whatever. But the truth is neither is anyone else. Most people have some way in which they are different from the norm and most people have some anxiety about it. Difference is scary to most people and we spend a lot of time surrounding ourselves with people who agree with us in order to feel safer.
Whatever people are thinking when they discover that I am more religious than a normal person is supposed to be, it's usually not true. For non-Jews, its usually some variation on "you think you are better than others because you are the chosen people" or "you think everyone is going to hell except your group" and for Jews, its almost always "you are a good Jew and I am a bad Jew".
I have ways of deflecting all of those statements, but its still sometimes difficult for me. I like feeling connected to people and the moment when they start to look at funny is never as nice as the moment you find that you have xy or z in common.
Oh my gosh. I loved this comment. And related to so much of it. Specifically, the desire for connection. I think I have a really deep need for this. As for surrounding yourself with people who agree with you – that's a future post, so hang in there.
SDK: Most people have some way in which they are different from the norm and most people have some anxiety about it.
On the other hand, doesn't everybody relish their difference from the norm? And who IS the norm anyway, and would those people think that they are the norm and be proud of it? Does anyone say to themselves, "I want to be the perfect normal, like everyone else" or isn't our sense of individuality always predicated on NOT being the norm. I think most people would be anxious about NOT being different from "the norm".
I think it's less about 'normal' than about 'successful', as Ruchi indicates in the post. Everyone wants to be a success in their own terms. For some people that means money, for some it means artistic accomplishment, for some it means Jewish commitment. And usually success means "NOT the norm", i.e. NOT like most people. It involves a kind of exceptionality in fact.
Well. Yes. There is a little contrarian who lives inside of me. When "everyone" was reading Harry Potter, I snobbily waited a year. But it's different when *you're* confidently opting for counter-culture, versus others deeming you that. Or when you opt for a certain lifestyle or value that you feel is right or good, and are not specifically aiming for counter-culture, but the values of the world are such that that classification is chosen for you.
This is really interesting, and one that I've felt myself, too. It reminds of a debate my husband and I have sometimes. We are both BTs, and he's the type to present Judaism as it is, even the parts of it that are harder for outsiders to understand, while I am more into the "if they're only going to see one piece of Torah, let them see a warm and fuzzy one!" It's hard to strike that balance!
I have that debate as well. On one hand we portray Judaism (specifically a life of Torah Observance) as wonderful, but are we honestly making people aware of the 'not so warm and fuzzy' aspects of our lifestyle? I believe that we have to be honest about the hard parts so people won't be misled. That's part of showing the world that we're normal.
Keshet. That is a really important debate and you've framed it well. I have learned over the years that in a real-life situation (as opposed to online) being real usually wins. However, where family members are involved who may have a personal bias against changes you've made, you may not have that luxury. Where the relationship is good to neutral, I opt for real. Like any other relationship, though, honesty must be balanced with sensitivity and humor so as not to be off-putting.
Saw something this morning while taking my daughter to school that made me smile, and brought to mind this discussion of normal vs. Ortho — a teenage boy riding his bike, wearing a suit and a bike helmet, tzitzit flying, holding his black hat and tallit bag in one hand. I just loved the blended image.
Love. Reminds me of an encounter here in Cleveland. My daughter and some friends were chatting on a street corner and a boy we know similarly rode by in his suit. Two African-American kids sitting in a car watched him go, then marveled, "Look at them Amish!!"
Both points are good. Sometimes people think of religious Jews as all religious and nothing else. And so shows that they are regular people. But it's true that our religious values are what count.
I'm glad to be part of this special people with our special mission to learn and practice and do good, thereby spreading light through the world
Thanks, smb, and welcome to OOTOB.
Ruchi, thanks for your post. I have to say, at this point in my life, I'm just too friggin' tired to be an "all-star." Pretty much all my battles (spiritual and otherwise) are internal ones and they don't leave me with a lot of extra energy to do things like wear a sheitel or dress pretty or go get my masters. So…I do stress about being "normal" but I admit I've taken to hanging out with other people who are going through similar life experiences, thereby creating my own sense of "normal." Is this a cop-out?
I really loved this post, Ruchi. I want to be a Jewish all-star, and not worry about being normal, but still wanting to connect to people who aren't "exactly like me." But wait, who is exactly like me anyways? Nobody. We're all not normal, relative to each other. Again, really loved this post.
Rachel and Rivki…loved both of your really honest comments. You guys should hang out some time. 🙂