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2014

Uncategorized December 3, 2014

Hair Covering: My Midlife Crisis part 1

It seems I’m hitting my midlife crisis early, and it’s called “wrapping.”

In my community, covering one’s hair is de rigeur for married women, and mostly that’s done with a wig.  Lots of us cover our hair more casually, like with a chenille snood or pre-tied bandanna, but that would be akin to changing into your sweats.  Like, if you’re “dressed,” you’re also wearing a wig.

But in my recent trips to Israel, I’ve become more and more gaga over these beautiful scarves that women wrap their heads with.  They are just magnificent.  No yoga-pants-look here.  These women are dressed.  There is just something about the sheer authenticity of covering one’s hair with a scarf that grabs me.  And so, with the help of Wrapunzel and their cool YouTube tutorials, I’m wrapping more and more.

I’m not ditching the wig anytime soon.  There are plenty of community occasions where I’ll feel more at home in a wig – but my heart is with the scarf, no question about it.  I’ve polled some women on the matter, including some of the lovely women on the Wrapunzel Facebook fan group (a sizable minority of whom are not Jewish) and got some great responses, which I’ll share with you in my next post.

But first, here’s this chart.  It shows my personal, and I repeat, my personal, opinions comparing wigs and scarves in various categories.  Commentary is below.  I’ve rated each category on the basis of a 5-star system, with 5 stars being awesome and no stars being abysmal.  You know, like hotels, except no one gives hotels zero stars, though they sometimes should.

WIG
SCARF
Comfort
**
*****
Price
*****
Aesthetics
***
*****
Anonymity
****
*
Ease of use
***
***
Maintenance
**
*****
Religious
preference
**
****

Comfort:  Some might find wigs more comfortable.  Not me.  If they have bangs, they look more natural, but then they’re always hanging in your eyes.  Grr.  Scarves, done right, stay put, out of your face and off your neck all day long.  I can see and be seen!

Price:  Yes, I know you can buy really cheap wigs.  Cheap wigs look like cheap wigs.  Scarves are so cheap it’s funny.  Especially at the Israeli shuk.

Aesthetics:  Again, this is personal preference.  To my view, what makes a wig beautiful also makes it inauthentic.  A beautiful wig that’s also modest?  Ummm.  Scarves are beautiful and modest at the same time – that elusive blend I’m always seeking.

Anonymity:  This is a biggie, especially for those in mainstream professions.  If you need to blend in professionally, a wig is going to be a necessity.  On the other hand, there is something about outing myself as a religious Jew in public that I am finding incredibly liberating (no faking) and also giving me a much greater sense of responsibility in terms of being an ambassador of my faith.  Overall, it’s a little scary and very exhilarating.  I like it.

Ease of use:  I gave these matching ratings, because some women find it very easy to just slip on a wig and very difficult to tie a scarf just right.  Once it’s on, I find the scarf way easier.  You don’t have to fuss or mess with it.  Wigs always need to be brushed, flipped, and adjusted.  Also, once you get the hang of wrapping, it’s easy.

Maintenance:  Wigs don’t require that much maintenance.  Once a month (depending on frequency of wear) they need to be washed and done.  Transporting them is a bit of a pain.  If my wig is done for a special occasion, I’ll transport it in a “shaitel box” (if we’re traveling for a wedding, say) but otherwise I literally toss it in a ziploc bag.  No comparison, of course, to transporting a scarf.  Duh.

Religious preference:  For most religious groups, with the notable exception of Chabad, covering one’s hair with a scarf is preferable.  In some Sephardic circles, wigs are actually a no-no.  The Chabad leader, Rabbi Scheerson, maintained that wigs were preferable for two reasons: one, if women felt beautiful they would more likely stay covered, and two, no hair shows out from under a wig, whereas occasionally hair can slide out from a scarf.

So that’s my comparison chart.  In my next installment, I’ll share other women’s personal reflections on the scarf vs. wig debate, plus why they cover, with what and when, and how it makes them feel.  Stay tuned…

Uncategorized November 24, 2014

Vengeance

Some of you may have missed “Finding Meaning in Terror,” my most recent post, if you receive notifications via email, since it appeared on the same day as an ad which appeared at the top of the email.  Please be sure to check it out.

“May G-d avenge their blood.”

Sounds harsh?  This is a standard prayer that one might say when hearing of the death of a fellow Jew at the hands of a hate crime – of one who was killed for being Jewish.  Last week, I included this short prayer at the conclusion of a Facebook post. 
One of the murder victims. His wife is a Markowitz from Cleveland. Rebecca Blech Schwartz, I am so sorry for your family. May his soul find rest and may God avenge his murder.
“Kraft described Levine as an exceedingly humble person, and while he was a serious learner devoted to increasing his knowledge of Judaism and Torah, he also had a sharp sense of humor and loved to joke around. Growing up in Kansas City, Kraft and Levine loved to watch the Kansas City Royals baseball team.”
Rabbi Kalman Levine The stories are coming in fast about the four rabbis murdered during the brutal terror attack in a Jerusalem synagogue – one of the them, in…
JEWISHJOURNAL.COM

I know that previously, when posting thoughts of this nature, I’ve received some inquiries about the “avenge” piece, and this time was no different. In the chat box of a Words With Friends game, an acquaintance asked: 

I always felt good about the simple Jewish approach to vengeance: it belongs to G-d. We pray to Him to bring it on people who perpetrate evil, and we go through appropriate legal channels (including this incredible law firm) to bring about justice ourselves, but we do not take vengeance into our own hands.
Then I read this emotional piece by my friend Sarah Rudolph, expressing resistance to using the term – and it really made me think.  Revenge people-style, and revenge G-d-style are not the same thing.  People-revenge is angry, instinctive, emotional, and anger-driven.  G-d revenge is restoring justice to a world gone mad.  I don’t want revenge, because I don’t want to become an ugly person.  I want G-d to do it – because I know He’ll do it right.
And I’m proud of a religion that knows the difference.
Uncategorized November 17, 2014

In Defense of Conversion Rabbis

by Amy Newman Smith 

“And then the rabbis come in,” my friend explained.

“WHAT?!?” I shrieked. I had asked her, a recent convert with the same beis din (rabbinic court) that was handling my conversion, to walk me step by step through the process.

The rabbis come in? To the mikveh? My thoughts were rapid and panicked. I had met and married a fellow Conservative movement convert. Together we had grown in a different direction and were on the threshold of finalizing our Orthodox conversions after 18 months of learning and living Orthodox Judaism. We had upended our lives in more ways than I can count, lost friends who thought we had lost our minds, moved from an apartment we loved to one we hated in order to be within walking distance of the synagogue. And now, my panicked brain thought, I’m going to have to call it all off. I had learned the laws of mikveh, the ritual bath, and knew nothing could be between my body and the water. I had gotten rid of my pants, raised my necklines, started covering my hair. And now I was supposed to be naked in front of three rabbis? Oh no. That was not going to happen.

My friend, seeing the horror on my face, rushed to clarify. What I had imagined wasn’t real. It was all going to be okay. And so, on the day of my conversion, I met with the three rabbis who made up my beis din. According to the rules of the Rabbinical Council of California, our sponsoring rabbi – the rabbi who for the last year and a half had mentored us, tutored us, and inspired us through the process of becoming Jews – could not be one of the rabbis, but I had met the head rabbi as part of being accepted as a candidate for conversion, and again when we met halfway through our learning to assess our progress. After some probing questions to gauge whether I had the knowledge to keep core commandments and establish that I had no ties to other religions, no ulterior motives, and had not asked to be converted under the promise of reward or any threat, we separated to meet again at the mikveh.

In the past weeks, since the revelations that Rabbi Barry Freundel allegedly watched women in the mikveh preparation rooms via hidden video cameras – not conversion candidates, but married Jewish women preparing to use the mikveh as part of a monthly ritual – the cries have come that men have to get out of the mikveh business. Blogs, public letters, op-ed pieces. One man’s alleged criminal acts opened a floodgate of criticism. It only got louder when it was revealed that Freundel had been reported for requiring conversion candidates to work for him for free and to make donations to organizations he headed.

“There are some places and situations where males, including rabbis, should never be present. One of them is a women’s mikveh. Period,” wrote Jennie Rosenfeld on The Jerusalem Post website. In a recent Times of Israel blog post, Shoshanna Jaskoll insisted that the same rabbis who required modesty of dress and behavior in Orthodox women could not take part in female conversions without being hypocrites and were likely having “indecent thoughts” about the conversion candidate. Jaskoll quoted unnamed rabbis, and took snippets from an open letter from the one rabbi she named – Rabbi Steven Pruzansky – that served her ends. The entire letter, if one takes the time to read it, tells a vastly different story.

At the mikveh, a gentle and genteel mikveh lady kindly went over step by step what would take place. Then she gave me a full-length robe, so thick that it would not be see through even when fully wet, to put on and left me alone to change. When I indicated I was ready, she walked me into the mikveh room and waited until I was in the mikveh, giving me time to make sure I had the robe adjusted so that I was comfortable and covered. The three rabbis summoned from the room where they were waiting stepped only close enough to the mikveh to see my face, to ensure I was the same Amy Newman Smith who had sat in their office earlier that day. No Leah for Rachel, as it were. 

Then they stepped back, able only to see the top of my head. They were close enough only to see my head go under, to hear the blessings a convert says, and hear the mikveh lady say “kosher” as I immersed each time, ensuring that every part of my body was covered by the waters of the mikveh. Then they left the room, closing the door before I emerged to dress in private, a newly minted Jew. The only other moment I have ever felt so much holiness surround me was the day my son was circumcised, entering the covenant of Abraham. At both of those moments, I felt a cord that tied me back to Sarah and forward into eternity. I did not feel abused, violated, mistreated, or vulnerable. To the contrary, everything had been handled in a way that was designed to make the process both b’tznius (modest) and b’simcha (joyful). 

AGENDAS


Unfortunately, Rabbi Freundel’s circle of victims only continues to widen with the calls of those who say his individual misdeeds demand an overhaul of the entire conversion system. (Why is it only the rabbis who need overhauling? What about male doctors? What about auto mechanics – mostly male? Where is the outrage when they mistreat, defraud or abuse female clients/customers, demanding only women fix women’s cars and heal women’s bodies?)  More importantly, do the shouters for change realize the grave injustice they do when they say “no man belongs in a women’s mikveh”? On the basis of one man’s bad actions of misusing his power over converts and breaking the law by covertly observing them – for which he has been arrested and will go through a trial and sentencing unless he decides to accept a plea deal – every rabbi is being painted as a potential villain.

Rabbi Pruzanksy said it best in his explanation of why he was resigning from his position as the head of the Orthodox conversion court for Bergen County: “Now, the recent, voluminous and tendentious writings on conversion, the media testimonies of converts and the agenda of feminists would have us believe that conversion is all about sex, power and money. It is about evil men looking to dominate women and lusting after lucre. That is a vulgar distortion of reality. They have taken a sublime and pure moment and made it prurient and ugly. For sure, I blame my DC colleague [Freundel] for this situation, but also those who have exaggerated the problem and impute guilt and suspicion to every rabbi and Bet Din . . . I have no interest in living as a suspect. I refuse to have my integrity and character impugned, nor to be defined in the public eye because of one miscreant.”

Is Rabbi Freundel one of a kind? Almost certainly not. But is he the norm? The majority? Anything even close to being something other than an outlier? For this, the accusers bring no evidence. They besmirch the names of righteous, modest, caring men without evidence for their own ends. And that is an outrage. The hoped-for ends do not justify the means being used.

Let us think critically about what the hoped-for ends of these writers are. All the hoped-for ends. Only the deeply naive would believe that Jennie Rosenfeld, who is studying in a program for dayanot (female religious judges) and who calls for a system in which women would be able to oversee conversions, divorces, and other matters of Jewish law pertaining to women doesn’t have a personal stake in the outcome of this debate. If the status quo remains in place, her investment of time and money will have been for naught. Other writers have also previously laid out their objections to the current system of Orthodox conversions long before Rabbi Freundel’s arrest, and the disclosures that followed merely provided them with an all-too-convenient cudgel with which to attack a system they had already rejected.

Finally and perhaps most importantly, Rosenfeld and her ilk seem not to understand that by saying the entire conversion system must be overhauled, she also implies that my conversion, that my friend’s conversion, that indeed the conversions of all women that have taken place under the current system are flawed. My conversion, the bloggers and pontificators say, is tainted. It is broken. It is in need of fixing. And to that I say, “How dare you?”

Fight for what you think is good and true. Write, write, and write some more. That is certainly your right. I am not asking for these voices to be silenced, nor am I debating that having men present in the conversion mikveh process makes some women uncomfortable, no matter how discreetly it is handled. (Mikveh with a female attendant is often uncomfortable, as well.) But I hope they remember that their stated goal is helping converts. And as a convert, I tell you honestly that their words – and the false suspicions they have put in the minds of many of those who have read them – imply that I, and women like me, entered the Jewish people within an abusive and immodest context. It is hard enough to be a convert without people who claim to be acting on converts’ behalf spreading the idea that converts have undergone something shameful or perverted. 

These articles (and this article you are reading now) are unlikely to change how Orthodox batei dinim (Jewish courts) handle conversions going forward. But they do stigmatize converts and future converts by spreading the mistaken belief that female converts have been party to something terrible rather than something transcendent. 

Writer’s Note: I have chosen to use my name on this piece because I feel it is unfair to criticize others by name without naming myself and also because I have done nothing that needs hiding. Please remember that the Torah is very clear on the prohibition of mentioning a convert’s former status, of reminding them of it, and certainly of asking intrusive questions about their past of their journey to Judaism. 

Links:Rabbi Pruzansky piece: http://rabbipruzansky.com/2014/10/30/stepping-down/Jennie Rosenfeld piece: http://www.jpost.com/Opinion/Listening-to-Sarahs-voice-381190
Shoshanna Jaskoll piece: http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/make-up-your-minds-on-modesty/

Uncategorized October 20, 2014

Blog Roundup: Anniversaries, Racism, Post-Partum Practices, and the Shabbos App

Welcome back, OOTOB readers.  With all the holidays over, the kids are back in school and I’m itching to blog regularly again!

Since so many interesting things have piled up over the past month, I decided to do another blog roundup for my first post back.

HAPPY 21ST ANNIVERSARY TO US

Firstly, happy anniversary to me and my wonderful husband (as one favorite commenter here calls him, Mr. Ruchi.  We love that).  We married 21 years ago October 18th on an absolutely magnificent fall day.  I am supremely grateful for him and actually, he’s the support behind this blog and all the things I love to do.  For my anniversary gift, I asked him for another year of being a great husband (together: AWW!).  Don’t worry.  I’m still angling for a trip to Florida too.  I’m not THAT holy.

WHY RELIGIOUS JEWS ARE RACIST?

Next up, I found this really interesting piece about how people with Aspergers view the rest of us (nicknamed NTs, for “neurotypicals”).  It really got me thinking about Jews who are racist, and especially why more religious Jews might be more racist.  Sometimes racism is a response to discrimination, which is a result of being different – especially obviously different, as religious people are. Sometimes it’s a defense mechanism, to be okay with your different-ness.  Tell me what you think.

POST-PARTUM PRACTICES

This is something I’ve long thought about.  Why are women in America supposed to just bounce  back after birth?  The way I grew up, and even more so in more Chassidic families, a woman who gives birth is called a “kimpiturin” (that’s Yiddish) for six weeks, and is supposed to pamper herself and lay low and let others take care of her as much as possible.  To be honest, I kind of chafed at this after awhile since I had easy births and was raring to go – but in retrospect, it’s a great invention, and a very necessary one.  In the non-Orthodox world I see none of this.  Women are out shopping and carpooling and getting dressed up so soon after birth (forget about going back to work).  Living in Israel, I saw a much greater respect for the post-partum state than here in America.  Why is this an Orthodox (and more Chassidic) thing?  I have no idea.  But there’s a definite difference.

HOW TO USE YOUR SMARTPHONE ON SHABBOS

This is just one big “oy” and falls into the same conceptual category as kosher bacos, kosher-for-Passover Cheerios, and kosher cheeseburgers (fake cheese, fake meat, or both).  It’s a Shabbos app so you can use your smartphone on Shabbos.  I’m going to artfully dodge the actual halachic issue, and go with the assumption that it’s technically “kosher” according to Jewish law.  I have found, over and over again, that non-Orthodox people are usually more sensitive to “kosher loopholes” than the Orthodox.  To be sure, there’s a huge outrage among the Orthodox community about this app, since it’s something new and, well, outrageous, and because the technology piece of Shabbos makes Shabbos observance more contemporary than ever.  Everyone who’s anyone is recommending a tech-Shabbat.  But I’ve found that in the less-obvious areas, especially food issues, non-Orthodox people are more likely to detect the problematic mindset in finding legal loopholes.

One could argue that those who live bound by halacha deserve and should celebrate the areas that they can find loopholes in – “easy for you to say” sort of thing, to the non-Orthodox.  Others feel that Judaism is a relationship, an attitude, and that looking for loopholes in relationships does not a good relationship make.  I myself adopt both attitudes, depending on the issue.  I’m not a fan of the kosher cheeseburger thing, for example.  But that’s for me.  For others it’s important to eat what they can find permissibly, and it will make it easier for them to keep kosher properly in the long run.

So that’s all for now, folks.  See you in the comment section!

Uncategorized September 8, 2014

Facebook

‘Tis the season for introspection.
Rosh Hashanah is upon us in a matter of weeks, which means it’s time to engage in that self-reflective evaluation known in Hebrew as “cheshbon hanefesh.” Which means a reckoning of the soul.
Each year I try, and delightfully (cough) succeed in coming up with something that I need to improve.  As I scan my deeds and lifestyle, there is one thing that consistently plagues me.
Facebook.

Though I’m also on Twitter and Pinterest, I am frightfully attached to Facebook. For someone who doesn’t even drink coffee, being this needy is a new and unpleasant state of affairs. OK, not new; definitely unpleasant. My introspection process led me to ask “why?” What is it about Facebook that I’m so attached to?
Three things.
1.  The fear of boredom. When I’m just sitting around waiting for my kid to put his stupid sock on, there’s Facebook to alleviate my intense boredom. Waiting in line at Target? Got five minutes of down time at the BMV?  Okay, an hour of downtime at the BMV. There’s always Facebook on my phone to entertain and enlighten me with my friends’ news, interesting articles written by mostly intelligent grownups, or pictures of happy occasions.
What’s wrong with this picture is twofold. 
A, what’s so bad and untenable about sitting with my own thoughts? About observing life around me? Why this intense drive to banish boredom?
B, I could easily fill those few moments with far more lofty endeavors. I’m not even talking about reading something spiritual or saying a few chapters of Psalms (although I did always kind of want to be that person). I’m talking about sending an email to a friend, calling my grandmother, or making a list of people to reach out to. Or deciding what to make for dinner this week so I’m not doing the 5 o’clock scramble.
2. Curiosity about other people. I like people and I’m curious about their lives. I love to see what people are up to, what they find important, what they find funny.
OK, what’s so bad about that?
Well, let’s just own the fact that this is just old-fashioned gossip all dressed up in a pretty package. Pretty, because people are posting about themselves, so it’s not unkosher, but nevertheless that same shameless gossip culture is there.
3. Oversharing. This is where I examine what I post and why. I’m a very active Facebook user. I post at least once a day and usually more.
Here’s the breakdown of the types of stuff I post, in order of what I’m most proud of to what I’m least proud of:
*Torah thoughts that I think could motivate or inspire others as they do me
*Interesting articles or videos about Israel, human relationships, or the world that similarly might inspire or motivate, or generate an interesting discussion
*Honest confessions, either humorous (I think so anyway *grin*) or sardonic, about my life or parenting to help others know they’re not alone, make them laugh, and also to seek support, solidarity and love from friends.
*Requests for advice, recommendations, or information
*Pictures of me or my family
Most of these things are noble in nature. I aim to show people that in many important ways we are all the same on life’s journey. I aim to show people I am a normal mom doing normal things and that we’re not so different. I aim to bring down the culture of perfectionism and lower the obstacles between us. I aim to educate, embrace, elucidate, unify, and giggle.
The problem with all of this is that I’m always checking in to see if I’ve succeeded. And success in Facebook parlance is likes and shares. Likes and shares are ego-boosters too. Likes and shares is reliance on others for self-esteem. It’s really hard to separate all that out.
So what’s a girl to do? If my Facebook was all about selfishness and ego, it would be clear to me that it’s got to go. If my Facebook was all about Torah and kindness, it would be obvious to me that it’s got to stay. But like most things in life, it’s a tangled, messy mix of both.
A few times I’ve considered a “Facebook fast” but truly wondered about the good things that can be accomplished here. So I’m considering a FBF for the Ten Days of Repentance, starting from the first say Rosh Hashanah and concluding with Yom Kippur (I don’t use electricity anyway for three of the ten).
What do you think?
What are you reflecting on this season?
Uncategorized August 31, 2014

Publishing and Other Blog News

Hey hey,

I know it’s been kinda quiet on the blog of late.  Can you say “kids not in camp or school”?  OK, now say it ten times fast.  It’s hard.

Anyhoo, figure I’d give you guys some exciting updates.

For one, I’m in the process (actually my daughter is – yay for tech-savvy kids) of creating an E-book of some of my posts.  WITHOUT THE COMMENTS, cuz that was somewhat emotionally and legally controversial.  Basically, all the posts categorized under “Why Orthodox Jews Do What They Do” (which is probably what it’ll be called) will be collected, sorted by topic, and self-published.  It’ll be on Amazon and all that fun stuff, and I’ll let you know when it’s all ready.


Second, I’m working with Mosaica Press to publish a real-life book.  It’s a very exciting project that I’ve been working on for about a year now.  It’s a women’s prayer book, with the traditional Hebrew/transliteration/translation on one side, and, on facing pages, my contemporary musings based on the themes of those prayers.  I’ve actually included some home-grown prayer musings here and on Facebook.

Here’s an excerpt of how to use my book:

The Hebrew prayers, as written thousands of years ago by the
Men of the Great Assembly, are as potent and laden with layers of meaning as
ever.  They contain the richness of
prophecy, the spirituality of holy people, and the universal relevance of the
ages.
 Yet, for many, this language is a locked garden.  Whether Hebrew itself is a foreign language,
or whether it’s the concepts and references that are inscrutable, some have not
been able to access the beauty and meaning of this gift called the “siddur” –
the traditional Hebrew prayerbook.
 The composers of these original Hebrew words intended to
create a vessel into which we, the users, could pour our own intent and
experiences.  They are a starting point,
and an invitation to us to personalize them as the words move us.  On any given day, I might find myself struck
by a new insight into these words.
 This work is intended to be a portal to that world.  I invite you to read the contemporary
prayers, which I offer as a window into how the prayers strike me
personally.  Use them as an informal
meditation or, hopefully, as a bridge to eventually try out the Hebrew, with a
new and fresh understanding of the theme behind the ancient words.  Use them during formal services at the synagogue,
to move and inspire you as you pray.  Use
them at home when you feel a moment of gratitude or longing.  Use them right when you wake up, or perhaps
just before you end your day.  Or maybe
when you light your Shabbat candles, you will open this book and find something
that inspires you.

In other news, I turned 40 three days ago!  I am still in birthday mode, since August 26th is my birthday on the Gregorian calendar, but in the Jewish calendar, my birthday is ches Elul (the 8th day of the Hebrew month Elul) which comes out this year on September 3.  Which means I get over a full week of celebrating (kidding, kind of)!  Feel free to wish me a happy birthday and tell me how wonderful I am how wonderful this blog is some kind of happy birthday blessing.

Ta ta for now – see ya when the kids start school!