Graffiti word "Fear" on wooden wall.
Controversial Observations, Uncategorized June 26, 2014

Eli Talks #4: Can’t Buy Jewish Continuity?

Our fourth and final installment of our Eli Talks summer series. It’s been a great partnership!
This piece is in a way the lightest of the four, and in another way completely radical and riveting. I have been thinking about its message since viewing it back in May (ages ago).

 
Eli Talks’ director Miriam Brosseau says:
 
For a long time this was the most-viewed talk in the ELI catalog, and with good reason. Sam Glassenberg is an engaging, enthusiastic guy with a solid idea and a cute kid. But it wasn’t just that. This is a talk that ruffled a few feathers. (Here’s one response. And here’s one more.)
The heart of the argument was often this question: should Jewish life be a for-profit venture?
Oscar Wilde has a great quote, “Nowadays people know the cost of everything and the value of nothing.” What is the relationship between cost and value? How should that relationship play out when we’re talking about something as important as Jewish continuity, or Jewish education? And ultimately how sustainable is either the non-profit or the for-profit approach? (For more on the “cost of free,” check out this talk by Dr. David Bryfman.)
For me, this is a question that comes down to lining up your strategy and your goals. What do we want to accomplish, and how can we be true to who we are and stick to the principles that guide us along the way? Whichever path we take – whether for-profit, non-profit, or something else completely – we need to ask and honestly answer: does the method fit the message?
OOTOB’s Ruchi Koval says:
 
There’s a long-standing debate in modern Jewish education: should we charge fees for Jewish education, or pay kids to learn?
Your instinctive response might be emotionally driven, so take a sec here and think this through. Traditional day school costs money, while supplemental education is usually also rewarded with college credits or other incentives.
If the most important goal is to get our kids to love learning (see Judaism, Unbearable Lightness) then shamelessly bribing them to motivate that initial foray is an awesome idea. But why does it feel somewhat slimy to pay kids to learn Torah?
People usually value things they have paid for, as opposed to things they get for free.  Personal investment and all that. But why does it feel ethically wrong to charge money to learn Torah?
So we’re stuck between a rock and hard place, both ethically, and in terms of evidence-based success.
This talk touches briefly on that theme. It brashly challenges standard trends in education. Tell me what you think.
Sparkling 15 with healing and dealing text.
Controversial Observations, Uncategorized June 23, 2014

Rude Orthodox Men

Hi Ruchi,
Was wondering what your thoughts were on this. 
The woman that I work for, who is an unaffiliated Jew, went into the local kosher takeout place yesterday to pick up an order. I go out socially with her and some other friends once a month. They are so respectful and accommodating and want me to be able to eat. They either order from a kosher restaurant or check with me before they buy something from the grocery, and serve on all paper/plastic.

So she asks me in front of the other women last night to explain to her why observant Jews seem to be so unfriendly. She goes on to say that she was waiting at the restaurant to get her order and there was a man with his wife and kids also waiting at the counter. She said in non-Jewish restaurants (elevators, bank lines, etc.) people say hello or might make small talk. She said the people at this kosher place were so unfriendly.
She typically dresses VERY conservatively. She happened to have a sleeveless dress on yesterday with a somewhat plunging neckline, which was out of character for her. So I explained to her that religious men try to be careful about having too much conversation with other women.
I have another friend who is the receptionist at my other office who asked the same thing about a religious man who comes in and barely (if at all) looks at her. If you are not observant, you don’t get this at all. It just seems flat out rude and then these women associate that behavior with Orthodox Jews across the board and probably mention it in conversation to their other friends.
So I understand and value men not making too much conversation with another woman (especially if she is not dressed very modestly) but it affects us religious Jewish people as a whole in such a negative way sometimes. I don’t have an answer. Do you?
Dough resting on a granite countertop.
Controversial Observations, Uncategorized June 19, 2014

Eli Talks #3: Two Zions

Welcome to Eli Talks #3, A Tale of Two Zions.

The main reason I chose this particular talk out of the selections Miriam sent me is this: I disagree completely with most of it.  More later.

First, here’s the talk, and a comment about the name “Mishael.”  I think it is an excellent name.  I wonder why it’s not more common.  Daniel, Mishael and Azariah were a threesome but somewhere along the way Mishael fell off the name wagon.  OK.  Onward, or as they say so pithily in Israel, “Yala!”

Eli Talks’ Miriam Brosseau says:
Rabbi Mishael Zion is nothing if not a family man (he even wrote a haggadah with his father); and that includes his extended family of the entire Jewish people. Which makes the premise of his talk all the more provocative. What does it mean for a family to be simultaneously united and divided?
In some ways, I find his premise to be totally intuitive. Of course! It’s a descriptive talk, not a prescriptive one. This is just how it is! And I love the way he intertwines Hillel’s deceptively simple teaching about responsibility and selfhood.
In other ways, it’s an unsettling position. The Land of Israel isn’t the only great dream of the Jewish people? And hey, even if we are talking about Israel and America (or Jerusalem and New York, as it sometimes feels), what about the rest of the Jewish world? What are they, chopped liver?
Ultimately I do think it’s a prescriptive talk – a talk that’s trying to encourage a sense of mindfulness. We are a people with a project…or two. We are in it together. So we should learn from and with one another and get it together. Cuz if not now, when?
(And if you liked this talk, a good companion piece is Gidi Grinstein’s “Flexigidity.”)
OOTOB’s Ruchi Koval says:

I mean, I loved the stories about the grandfather – how could you not?  And of course about working together, etc.  But there’s  underlying premise here that I really just can’t get around, and the irony is I felt that way when I first watched this talk a couple of weeks ago, before #bringbackourboys.  Before Eyal, Gilad, and Naftali were kidnapped – three kids, teens, unarmed – just for being Jews.  Not for being Israelis mind you, as one is not Israeli but rather American.
How can we say we’re better off than in our ghettos, when there are plenty of neighborhoods – shockingly, the whole middle chunk of the country – that is unsafe for Jews?  How can we say our dreams have come true when kids are kidnapped for no reason whatsoever?  How can we say this is the successful story of our arrival?  By the same token, how can we say the Diaspora experience is the fulfillment?  The only thing Israel has over America is its holiness.  And it had that before 1948.  If you look at our prayers, it’s all about Israel.  Every single thing we say references Israel.  “God, thanks for the awesome meal!  Oh, and bring us back to Israel!”  Really.  True story.
And part of that is fulfilled by Israel today.  The holiness.  The intensity.  The opportunities for Jewish expression.  But much is NOT fulfilled.  Much is unfulfilled.  And it’s unfulfilled in the Diaspora too.  That’s why we continue to wait for the Messiah… may it be soon.

In this vein, not only isn’t the rest of Diaspora “chopped liver” (yum) but Israel is the epicenter from which all radii, um, radiate.  So Israel, then unifies us ALL.  No matter which Jew I am chatting with, Israel is something we can talk about, even if no one has been there.  This actually happened to me at a rest stop in upstate NY when three teens with tattoos and chains walked in.  I was terrified, till they came over and seriously bageled me!  In Hebrew! We all care about it.  Most of us know someone there!  (The only thing that really comes even halfway close is Jewish NY’s weird relationship with Miami.) So Israel, far from being a competitor (!) to “us,” is a unifier.

Graffiti-style "Fear" on wooden plank background.
Uncategorized June 16, 2014

Blog Redesign and my Eight Favorite Parenting Lines

Hey all,

Voila!  I hereby reveal my all-new redesigned blog!  Huge shout out to a reader, one Keri Gerheart, who has been working on this with me since March, when I said I wanted to make some serious changes around these parts.  She said she was a reader who really appreciated my blog and wanted to help, and help she did.  She was awesome.  And now all of my changes are complete!

I’ll tell you what’s new in a sec, but first, I’m on Aish.com today, featuring my 8 favorite parenting lines, and why I credit Judaism with all of them. So many questions about parenting… one answer. Check it out and tell me what you think.


Ok, so here’s the tour of the new blog.  I know some of you don’t like change but I’m not one of those people.  Hopefully you’ll love it.

Firstly, the look and feel are new.  Whiter. Fresher.  Lighter.

Second, there are now two navigation bars instead of one.  The top one, which was there all along, has a new tab, called “advertising.”  This is info for businesses or ventures that feel their product or service would be of interest to the OOTOB community, and wish to advertise here.  I plan to treat this with complete integrity and only display partners that truly jive with our mission here at OOTOB.

Speaking of our mission, I’ve moved my “about” page right out front, where every reader can see it as soon as he or she shows up at the blog.

The lower navigation bar is where nearly all of my posts are organized by category.  This reflects my diverse readership – some really want to understand Orthodox Jews better, whereas others are interested in Jewish inspiration.  Some find interviews most interesting; voracious readers will want to peruse the book reviews; some love to dive into controversial observations.  This bar is an easy way to do that.

The social media buttons are all new, and will make it easier to connect and share my stuff.

On the right, you’ll see some places I’ve been featured; under that are ads that relate to OOTOB. Finally, all the way under THAT, are the archives organized by date (as opposed to topic).

Also, look up, at the URL bar.  See that cute little orange box in the left corner?  That’s called a “favicon” (Keri taught me that, I’m just showing off now).  It’s new, too.  It’s sort of like my little pet.

So… would love to hear your feedback!

Dough resting on a marble surface.
Controversial Observations, Uncategorized June 12, 2014

Eli Talks #2: The Unbearable Lightness of Judaism

Alright, ladies and gents.  Welcome to our second installment of Eli Talks!

Here is Micah Lapidus, discussing a topic that is dear to my heart, but I like how he puts it: the incredible lightness of Judaism.  He raises the issue of Judaism being viewed as a burden for some – whether identity or observance – and what to do about it.


Eli Talks director Miriam Brosseau says:

We all want to live lives of meaning, of purpose. How do we get that? How do we make meaning? 
When I think about the things in my life that are most meaningful, those things that give me a sense of purpose, they’re all the really hard stuff. Family is one of those things. My husband and I have a 1 year-old who is the greatest thing on the planet, and all of the tough stuff with him is also the very best stuff. I can’t count how many hours I’ve spent humming and singing and shushing my little boy to sleep at all hours of the night. And now he’s teething and his nap schedule is off and he wakes up…oy. It’s exhausting! But then, in the middle of all this, I suddenly have that moment where he’s curled himself around me, totally trusting, his sleepy weight sinking into me…and I get it. I love it. I wouldn’t exchange those moments for anything.
The weight of a (not) sleeping baby, or family in general, or work, or community, can feel like a burden we want lightened. Judaism can feel like that. But what do we lose when we lighten the load? What does that mean for Judaism and Jewish life? Can we make still make meaning if we don’t feel that heaviness? And if we can’t, what does that, well, mean? Micah Lapidus may not answer all these questions in this talk, but he asks them in such an eloquent, genuine manner that I can’t help but think about it.

OOTOB’s Ruchi Koval says:


I sometimes feel like the object of pity.  I “have to” wear long sleeves in the summer, cover my hair, and be restricted in what I eat.  And in all honesty… those things sometimes feel burdensome to me too. But if I didn’t feel like Judaism offered me so, so much, it would feel like a heavy burden all the time. So how does Judaism feel not only light, but that IT’S carrying ME?

Judaism to me is an answer.  It gives meaning to my days, clarity to my questions, and depth to my emotions.  It’s a destination for my prayers, eternity to my feelings of smallness, and an infinite legacy for my fleeting moments of joy and sadness.

Forget about carrying a burden; how could I survive without it??

Imagine a man hiking in the desert with a backpack of food.  Is the pack heavy?  Yes, and the heavier it is – the more that’s in it – the more he will be nourished.

Now the question is, how to transmit this to the next generation?  Not a complete answer in any way, but the only way to even have a chance at successfully transmitting anything to the next generation is to be totally sure of it ourselves.  Which begs the next question… how can we teach ourselves that Judaism is not only light, but lightens our load in life?


What do you think?

Text about balance and relationships journey.
Uncategorized June 9, 2014

Why Am I Invited to this Wedding?

Q.
Hey Ruchi,
I’ve noticed in the religious community that I’m getting invited to weddings and bar mitzvahs that are out of town and that I would SO OBVIOUSLY not attend because we are not that close to the people, etc. So and so’s daughter is getting married in NY. So and so’s son who used to live here is having a bar mitzvah in Chicago, etc. Do I then I have to send a check or a donation? I sort of feel like… just because one person has the (in my opinion) chutzpah (too strong, I know, but not sure right word) to invite me when it would be pretty extraordinarily to leave town for an acquaintance’s relative’s event, why do I then have to be in the position to send a gift. It happens a handful of times a year. If it were an event in town, it wouldn’t bug me as much. Though even that can feel a little unnecessary based on the VERY CASUAL level of friendship I”m talking about. Friendship is not even the right word… just people I know.
I did not edit this so sorry for typos and general nasty tone. I just opened another invite so was feeling it in the moment.
A.
I have definitely noticed this difference between the religious and secular communities.  Orthodox folks, for some reason (like their guest lists aren’t big enough as it is) invite everyone and their mother to their simchas. It’s just a way of being inclusive.  Gifts are not expected when people don’t attend, unless you’re close – even then it’s in poor taste to “expect” a gift, but you know what I mean.  They’d probably be shocked if you sent one and would then say, “Oh my gosh!  Can you believe they sent a gift!  That was so unexpected and sweet of them.”
But I do always send back the reply card and say thanks so much for including me, and I’m so sorry we cannot participate in person, and end with a blessing (which they’ll appreciate just as a gift) like “May you build a beautiful Jewish home of which everyone can be proud!”
Or to a bar mitzvah boy or bat mitzvah girl, “May you grow up to be a wonderful member of your family and community, and bring much nachas to all!”
Hope that helps,
Ruchi
Two women smiling, event promotional image.
Uncategorized June 6, 2014

Summer Series: Eli Talks – “Social Intelligence”

Hey OOTOB readers,

This June, you’re in for a treat.  OOTOB is partnering with Eli Talks to bring you four interesting conversation-starters of Jewish interest.  These four posts are sponsored by Eli Talks, and we are sure the OOTOB community will find its content interesting and worth pursuing further in your own conversations locally.

About ELI Talks

Judaism is a conversation. It is a religion that does not stand on faith alone, but pushes its 
adherents to wrestle with new ideas and never back down from a good argument. 

The digital age breathes new life into this grand Jewish conversation. Now we can capture, 
share, remix, and reimagine inspired Jewish ideas from across the spectrum. We can access 
them anytime, anywhere, and add our voices.

This is what ELI Talks is all about.

ELI talks are “inspired Jewish ideas” addressing issues of Jewish religious engagement (E), 
literacy (L), and identity (I) in highly produced, 12-minute presentations. ELI Talks are given 
by some of the Jewish world’s most thoughtful, inspiring, and unexpected personalities. While 
initially inspired by TED Talks, the mission of ELI is to go beyond the TED-style sharing of great 
ideas to real engagement, sparking and hosting deep conversations around the implications of 
those ideas for the community. 

Talks can be used in a variety of settings: as conversation pieces at conferences, in staff 
learning and at board meetings, as resources in adult education, and to spark discussions with 
your friends by sharing on Facebook or Twitter. If you’re interesting in developing materials 
around a Talk or series of Talks, please contact Program Director Miriam Brosseau who will be 
happy to help.

Website: http://elitalks.org/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ELItalks

Twitter: https://twitter.com/ELI_talks

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/ELItalksVideo

What Does OOTOB Have To Do With It


Eli Talks are offered by a variety of Jews – different educators and lay people.  I do not personally endorse the content, and will offer my responses where we differ, and my comments where I agree.  I’m really looking forward to this partnership.  We will share four posts on four Thursdays in June in addition to OOTOB’s usual content at the beginning of each week.  Hope you like it!

And now, for the very first talk:  Social Intelligence by Dr. Rona Novick



Eli Talk’s Program Director, Miriam Brosseau, says:


I come from a family of teachers, so we talk a lot of about the value and purpose of education. It’s a huge question, and not an easy one to answer. We have to ask ourselves: what, really, is the goal of education, Jewish or otherwise? What do children need to know, what skills do they need to have? Ultimately, what kind of people are we trying to shape? 
Social intelligence – it’s so important, yet so easy to overlook; it’s such a primal, but nuanced skill that carries us throughout our entire lives. I love Dr. Novick’s talk not only because she so eloquently argues for the value of social intelligence, but because when we re-frame the goal, when we change our intentions, we have to rethink everything. And that’s scary, and it’s hard. But it’s worth it. 
OOTOB’s Ruchi Koval says:

Very often when Orthodox kids do things that are socially or ethically wrong, people say, “Is that what the schools are teaching??”  This really, really (really) bothers me.  Schools can and do run all sorts of programs on anti-gossip, anti-bullying, kindness begins at home, blah blah blah, and these are all good and important programs.  Yet.  If the same message isn’t being loudly promulgated at home, fuggeddabbouddit.  Home.  Parents.  These are the primary, and must be the primary, place of moral and ethical teaching.  Day schools are to be considered a supplementary source of social intelligence. Not to take the heat off the schools – but to rather place it, squarely, as Dr. Novick suggests, on the parents.
What do you think?