Quote about mentorship and personal mentors.
Uncategorized September 19, 2011

Kabbalistic Emails

I have a problem with forwarded mushy emails that you have to scroll down pages of strangers’ email addresses to read.  Seriously, I can’t handle them.  Especially the ones that masquerade as Jewish.

I know that the people who forward them, and specifically, who forward them to me, have only the best intentions and most wonderful sense of spirit when doing so, and far be it from me to kill a spiritual moment, but I must set the record straight.

God is not walking through your house.

Probably nothing will happen in five minutes.

If you delete this email, nothing will happen to you.

And this is not based on kabbalah.

For good fortune, health, and the rest, whisper a prayer and try your best to put forth normal effort.

Thank you and have a nice day.

Dough resting on a granite countertop.
Uncategorized September 18, 2011

What the High Holidays Mean to Me

The air is cooler, softer
the new start
new school
supplies
season
Jewish year
fresh start
Fall has always been my favorite season
Rosh Hashanah is approaching
It starts with Elul:
that Jewish month that starts whilst summer still lingers
and whispers
“they’re coming…
it’s time
start thinking
it’s sobering
start wondering
tracking
accounting
resolving”
Thirty days prior to the holiday
must prepare
NO, silly
not the honey
not the chickens
not the apple picking.

That was the easy part.

The reflection
selection
connection
is the hard part.

Serious holiday.  Whazzat?

Hard because ignorance is bliss.

Truly: harder not to

Thanks to David on the Lake for his inspiration in the new genre
What do the impending High Holidays mean to you?

Text: "The moments aren't gone" on parchment background.
Uncategorized September 16, 2011

Cultural Oddities: Simcha Celebrations

So as I venture into ever more diverse segments of the Jewish community, I have come to the conclusion that there are some fascinating cultural differences and similarities in celebrating bris, bar and bat mitzvah, and weddings.

Here are a few:

1. “Making a bar mitzvah.”

Frum (Orthodox) people generally say, “I’m making a bar mitzvah.  I’m making a wedding.”  What this means is that they are planning the simcha for their child, which is true, but I’ve never heard non-Orthodox people use this particular verb in this context.  Why is this?  Similarly, Ortho-folk will say, “I’m making Shabbos,” or “making Pesach.”

2. “Just come.”

I’ve found that Ortho-folk who come from large families and busy communities are much more “heimish” (homey) about extending an invitation by phone, declining an invitation, cancelling, showing up uninvited, etc.  Clearly, people should be good about sending invitations and reply cards, and not make the “baal simcha” (the one “making the simcha”) call you to see if you’re coming (!) when they’d much rather be at the manicurist’s, but in general, this degree of chilled-out attitude doesn’t seriously bend anyone out of shape.  “Surprising” someone at a simcha is also a totally accepted thing to do, or popping in for part of it if you can’t be there for the whole thing.

3. The six weeks rule.

You know how the “rules” say to send an invitation six weeks before?  I find more secular Jews send them out earlier than that, and I’m not even referencing the “save-the-date” that comes out much, much earlier than that.  In the other corner we’ve got the Ortho-Jews who send them out later.  Sometimes much later.  (See: heimish.) Also, no save-the-dates as far as the eye can see.

4. Gifts table.

No idea why on earth this is true, but at non-Orthodox shindigs, there is typically a gift table.  Ortho-folk bring their gifts to the home before or after.  Truly an oddity to my mind.

5. What time does it start?

Non-Ortho affairs start, well, when they’re supposed to start.  Showing up late requires an explanation.  On the other hand, when an Orthodox wedding or bar mitzvah is called for 6 pm, “everyone” knows it’s only going to be immediate family and the photographer at 6 pm.  Show up at 6:30, for crying out loud.  (!)  The other totally bizarre thing about this is that the further east you travel, the later you should show up; so when my sister’s vort (engagement party) in NJ was called for 8 pm, most folks showed up at 11.  Oh… was that not on the invitation??

6. Kids.

Well, this makes perfect sense.  Orthodox people have more kids… their simchas have a lot more kids! Your typical Orthodox wedding will have multiple nieces and nephews, all decked out in their finest, to the extent that a babysitter (or team of) is often hired at the hall to supervise the kiddies.  There is often a whole “kiddie table” with “kiddie food.”

But as usual, I like to find more in common than not… we all: want to experience nachas, want to be surrounded by family and friends, have spent more than we planned, and want all our guests to be happy.  Oh, and if our kids could write their thank-yous with no input on our part, we’d all be all the more joyous.

Mazel Tov!

Curious to hear your observations! 

out of the orthobox logo
Uncategorized September 15, 2011

Is God a He, She, or It?

One of my readers, SavtaV, emailed me this:

Q.  Is Hashem a male? In Hebrew, it’s necessary to choose a gender, because all the adjectives and verbs require it. Not so in English – and without a body, it doesn’t make a lot of sense (to me) to choose – but I’ve noticed you always refer to “Him.” And what about the Shechinah?


A.  I’m hardly a Kabbalist, but since I consider it core and central to my life to continually cultivate my relationship to God, I have spent time thinking and learning about this question.

Hashem (God) is neither male nor female.  God contains both male and female attributes.  It is difficult to speak of these things, for two reasons:

1. No human can truly conceptualize God, as the whole concept transcends everything we know.  It transcends the five senses; it transcends time and space and science.  Can your mind truly conceive that numbers go on FOREVER?  Mine can’t.  Infinity is but one of the facets of God that are ultimately unknowable by humans.  That doesn’t prove their inability to exist – we all know infinity exists, yet we can’t draw it or truly know it.

2. As soon as you start talking about males and females, there are people that get uncomfortable.  As soon as I shall generalize in this post about traditionally “male” attributes and traditionally “female” attributes, some of you will get annoyed.  So sorry for that, but I’m going to do it anyway, because I still think that most of the males in this world more or less fit the prototype, and most females in the world more or less fit the prototype, while I acknowledge that many exceptions exist.

Typically male attributes include power and strength.  
Typically female attributes include insightfulness, the drive to nurture, and sympathy.

When God acts towards us in typically “male” ways, or when we pray to God in a way that evokes those attributes, we use male names.  When God acts in “female” ways, or when we want God to, we use female names.

Examples:

1. “Elo-him” (I hyphenated the name so as not to take God’s name in vain, in the event someone prints and discards this post.)
This name means: God of power.  Its construction is male, and its meaning is classically male.  This is also the name of strict justice, as opposed to kindness/compassion.

2. There is a four-letter name of God that is so holy I can’t even write it.  We don’t pronounce it as its spelled, even in our prayers.  We pronounce it “Ado-nay” which means “my master” – but in true form it is a feminine name in its grammatical construction, and whenever used, refers to the attribute of compassion and mercy – typically feminine attributes.

3. Shechinah – God’s compassionate presence.  This is classically female in construction, and denotes care and love – feminine traits.

So in English, it would be most correct to say “it” since God is neither male nor female.  However, this is clumsy, and therefore not worth it for me.

Nevertheless in Hebrew, the pronoun used for God is, indeed, “he.”  This is because God’s overriding quality is that of power and strength over the whole world.  When we ask God for things, we say “You” in the masculine form, indicating that God possesses all the power and strength to give us these things.

(Btw, what’s so fascinating about THAT is that how many other languages are there where the pronoun “you” must be qualified as either male or female?  While many – most? – languages genderize nouns – with the interesting exception of English – very few – and I’m sure my readers will correct me if I’m wrong –  genderizes the “you” pronoun.  Why this is true is a whole ‘nother topic.  Just saying it’s not like it’s an inconvenient fact that a pronoun must be chosen – it’s deliberate.)

It’s also notable that EVERY noun in Hebrew is either male or female.  Is a table male?  Of course not, but on some deep level it contains a classically “male” purpose, and when you say “it [the table] is made of wood” in Hebrew, the true translation would be “he is made of wood.”  In fact, if you listen closely when Israelis speak English, they very often say “he” or “she” for objects instead of “it” (and not just for trucks or boats).

A much deeper and interesting discussion of the male and female attributes of God is here.

Would love to hear your (respectful) thoughts, insights, and input on this topic.

Fear graffiti on dark wooden wall background.
Uncategorized September 14, 2011

Your Kid’s Hebrew Name is Yechezkel Simcha Chaim??

I’d like to thank Roni Sokol over at Mommy in Law for inspiring this post!

Every single time we have sat down to choose a Hebrew name for one of our newborns, we’ve had to take multiple considerations into account:

1. Did we have a relative to name after?  (If no, proceed to #2)
2. Do we pick a name related to the Torah portion?  An upcoming holiday?
3. How will this name be spelled in English?
4. How will this child’s name appear on the birth certificate?
5. How will this name sound to people that are unfamiliar with Hebrew or Yiddish names?
6. How do we spell it?

For example (note: some of my kids’ names have been changed):

Child #1: Let’s pretend my daughter’s name is Esther.  She is our first-born, and we decide to name her after my great-grandmother on my father’s side, who was killed in the Holocaust.  There is a custom among Ashkenazic Jews that babies are named after deceased love ones, and that the first name goes to the mother’s side barring a pressing reason to name after the father’s side (like, father has no dad; mother would have to go back 3 generations).

Great-grandma had two names, common among Eastern European Jews, but her middle name coincides with my mother’s name, who is very much alive and well, thank you.  Just as it an honor to name after a deceased relative, it is SPOOKY AND NOT DONE to name after an alive relative.  Unless you are a Sephardic Jew, in which case it is a BIG HONOR.

Go figure.

So we ask her daughter, my grandmother, if she minds if we only use the one name.  She’s great with it, as “Esther” is the name great-grandma was known by.  Awesome.  Esther is SO EASY.  It’s Hebrew and English and phonetic to boot.  And it’s one name.  That simplifies life.  “Esther” goes on the birth certificate.  Daughter #1 is all set.  Woohoo!

That was the easy part.

Child #2 comes along – a son.  This is a no-brainer, as my father passed away when I was six, so even though name #2 “belongs” to the husband, it’s obvious we will name this child for my father.  Let’s pretend my father’s Hebrew name was Shlomo – one name, but it gets complicated.  For one thing, it’s customary to add a name when you name after someone who dies young, so the newborn doesn’t have exactly the same “mazel” – fortune, sort of – as the deceased.  We need to add a name.  The classical Hebrew names that are added in such a case are Chaim (“life”) and Baruch (“blessed”), but my husband’s grandfather, who, at the time, was alive and well, thank you very much, is Chaim Baruch!  So we choose a name – Nesanel (Netanel), which means “gifted by God.”  So now our son’s name is Nesanel Shlomo.

Second thing: my father was not exactly called by his Hebrew name, but was called by a Yiddish-flavored nickname of his Hebrew name – “Shloimy.”  NOT PHONETIC.  EASY TO MISPRONOUNCE.  And definitely, er, ethnic.

So we wanna call this kid “Shloimy” since it’s what my father was called, which is a very normal name in our community, but what do we put on the birth certificate?  One name?  Both?  The Ethnic Nickname?  We opt for simply (ha) “Shlomo,” which has since been mispronounced by every doctor’s office staff member since.  Ah, well.

Child #3: a girl.  We have a choice of two great-grandmothers on my husband’s side.  Finally, his turn.  Both are Yiddish.  We do some homework and find out that one was a classic Bubbie, a regular saint; and the other was a strong woman who retained her faith out in Scranton, PA.  We opt for “saint.”  My husband is scheduled to name the baby at the synagogue.  I am in the hospital.   It is Shabbat, so we are not communicating over the phone.  After Shabbat he calls: “I didn’t name the baby… I just felt it wasn’t the right name!”  Okaay – who am I to question my husband’s prophetic powers?  I didn’t feel that strongly either way, so we go for name #2 – strong personality, Scranton, PA.

This Yiddish name, Gitty, is at first glance, phonetic and easy.  Ha.  Everyone rhymes it with “pretty” and “witty” when actually the “T” is emphasized.  I would give an English rhyme for her name, except there is none.  Also, living in Israel at the time, my husband is the one who travels to East Jerusalem to the consulate to get the birth certificate, so he chooses “Gittel,” the real Yiddish name, instead of “Gitty,” the commonly used nickname.  Nice.  Now daughter has one name that appears on her BC that no one can pronounce and that no one uses except her younger brother in cruel moments, another name that everyone calls her that rhymes with “pretty” and her real name that is pronounced correctly.  *sigh*

Child #4 is named after someone in the parsha.  We didn’t have any urgent relative to name for and are married long enough that we don’t need to take turns anymore, and name after our Patriarch Abraham.  Great – easy, right??  EVERYONE knows Abraham Lincoln!  Yes, except his Hebrew name is Avraham, and his nickname shall be… Avromi.  So how easy is it to mispronounce “Avromi’?  Answer: very.  It’s pronounced “Av-RUH-mi”  (Ruh as in Run).  But some people, like Jews from more Chassidic backgrounds, like my grandparents, pronounce it “Av-ru-mi” – Ru as in the way a Bostonion would say “roof.”  Or those that are not comfy with Hebrew or Yiddish say Ru like “rah rah rah!  Sis boom bah!”  Ah, well.

Oh, and we decided to be “smart” and put “Abraham” on his BC so everyone will  be able to pronounce it… now he just seems like a relic from the 1800’s.  Really?  Your name is Abraham, and you’re… 10?  Not 89?  Ah, well.

Also: since we did not reach back multiple generations for a name we had some explaining to do to family members… ’nuff said.

Child #5: girl.  We decide to name after my great-grandmother Mindy.  She also had another name, which coincided with my husband’s grandmother’s name.  (Anyone want to become a Jewish Baby Naming Coordinator?  I’ll send you lots of clients.)  Yes, I know my side of the family is seriously winning, but I already told you, we’re done taking turns.  Also I just happen to have more dead relatives – sorry.  We ask my grandfather (she was his mother) how he feels about us just using one name and he is fine with this since she was called “Bobba Mindy” and that’s how everyone knew her.

Can I just emote for a moment?  I LOVE THIS NAME.  It has everything I need!  It’s named for someone I knew and loved, it’s easy to say, spell, and pronounce, and I can put the nickname right on the BC since we are now living in America and I don’t have to travel anywhere dangerous moments after giving birth to obtain a BC!  The lovely, nice hotel – er, hospital – does all the hard work FOR YOU!!  Yay!  Mindy Koval.  Love.

Child #6: Boy.  He is born 10 days late, on his great-grandfather’s yahrtzeit.  Like, exactly, on the Hebrew date.  Did I say “chose a name”?  I think the name chose us.  This name does not fit the profile of my perfect name.  It’s Hebrew and Yiddish, two names, neither of which are phonetic, nor easy to say, spell, or pronounce.  Yay!  Well, we go mostly with the first name and just plunk that Hebrew name right on the BC.  And if no one can pronounce it… it’s their problem.  Lots of cool people have weird names (Gwyneth?).

Child #7:  Girl.  When you get to this number of kids, my philosophy is you pick a name you just LIKE.  You’ve earned it.  We picked the name first (Nomi) then prayed for her to be born on the holiday that coincided with her name.  And… she was!  Can I just emote for a moment?  I LOVE THIS NAME!   For all the reasons I love Mindy, but one more added bonus: It’s not a nickname but the real name.  However, even this name was not hitchless.  The REAL name is “Naomi,” and is pronounced in truly grammatically correct Hebrew as “Na’ami,” and is still pronounced a variety of ways by my relatives.  Nevertheless, it’s super easy to spell and read, and we love it.  So far, it’s the only low-maintenance thing about the child, so that’s a good thing.

Was it hard to pick out your kids’ names?  What did you have to take into account?  What did you choose for their birth certificates – have you regretted it?

Faigy
Uncategorized September 13, 2011

Top 10 Questions People Ask Me About My Judaism

I get asked a lot of interesting questions.  The most interesting part is how many recur – very few are original.  The questions I get asked are usually prefaced by a few common introductions, such as, “Can I ask you a really stupid question?”  “I hope you don’t mind my asking this, but…”  But I love questions.  Because they open the lines of communication.  And that makes me happy.  And when momma is happy, everybody be happy.

And here are the winners:

1. If God is all-powerful, why do bad things happen to good people?

Note:  this questions appears in various forms and may be hard to discern under the alias.  Like, why are bad things happening to me?  Am I being punished?  Am I truly that bad?

Answer: I do not answer this question unless it’s in person; I have time to transmit the ideas I’ve learned in full; and I know the people I am talking to and what their questions really are.

2. Is that your hair sticking out from under your hat?

Answer: if you see it, it’s not my hair.  It’s my wig!

3. How do you have time for everything?

Answer: I don’t.  But I will not compromise on my sleep (though I do suffer from insomnia) or on household help.  Also I really insist on my kids’ help in accepting responsibility around the house.  Also, my husband is an amazing help.  Also, I believe that God helps me because He wants me to succeed.

4. How do you remember all your kids’ birthdays and appointments and activities?

Answer: God gifted me with a good memory and an organized orientation.  Also, my Droid.

5. Do you guys speak Hebrew at home?

Answer: no, English is my first language and that’s what we speak at home.  Although I confess, it IS liberally sprinkled with Hebrew and Yiddish references.

Example: Come here!  Let me wash your henties (hands, Yiddish).  Oy!  You’re so cute I could just plotz (pass out, Yiddish)!!

6.  How do you have three teenagers?  You look so young.

Answer:  Can you ask me that again?  I didn’t hear you the first time.
Real answer: Exercise and good genes.
Real answer, for real: I am so young.  I got started young!

7.  Were you Orthodox your whole life?

Note: I always wonder here, what the “right” answer is.  Are people hoping to hear “yes” or “no”?  Do I present as an FFB or a BT?  Does it matter?

Answer: yup.  But that doesn’t make me a blind follower.  It’s always been important to me to ask tough questions and make intellectual sense of that with which I’ve been raised.  The more I probe, the more I love.

8. Are you Chassidic?

Answer: no.

9.  Are you Amish?

Answer: no.

10.  Are you Chabad?

Answer: no.

Note: if you are Chassidic, Amish, or Chabad, I’d love to hear from you for a future post.

What questions have been posed to you about your Judaism?

Sparkling number fifteen with motivational text.
Uncategorized September 12, 2011

Cholent, Luncheon of Champions

Cholent is a food that at first seems like a simple Jewish chili.

Don’t be fooled.

Cholent is customarily eaten by Shabbat-observant Jews at lunch on Saturday.  It is such a powerful food that its mention will evoke groans, giggles, rapid salivation, the urgent need to take a nap, and the motivation to break a diet or vegan streak.

When it is eaten may be broken down by who you are: classically by yeshiva guys, in anticipation of Shabbat, anytime from Thursday night forward; by semi-normal people AFTER dessert following Shabbat dinner Friday night; by normal folk at lunch; and by hungry carnivorous husbands, as leftovers anytime from Shabbat on through Thursday of the next week.

It appears in different varieties, depending if a Jew’s genealogy stems from Germany, Poland, Italy, Morocco or what-have-you.

OK – here are some FAQ’s.

Q. Why do Jews eat cholent?

A. Years ago back in the day there was a group of Jews known as the Karaites.  They had a philosophical belief that the Oral Law was not divine, but that the Written Law was divine.  Well, the Written Law states, “Do not burn a fire in your homes on Shabbat.”  The Oral Law explains: don’t ignite it, but you can have it burning from before Shabbat.  The Karaites observed Shabbat by sitting in a cold, dark home and eating cold food.  The Jews that believed in the Oral Law developed a custom to eat a food, that had been simmering from before Shabbat to emphasize that according to the Oral Law, this is how God wants us to both observe and celebrate Shabbat (which are not the same thing, btw).

Q. What on earth does “cholent” mean?  

A. Some say it comes from chaud (“hot”) and lent (“slow”), expressing the point of cholent: that it be hot, and been cooking since Friday.

Q. What are some other things you can tell us about cholent??

A. 

  • It’s the ultimate comfort food.  When I smell it, I am brought back in time to the many, many Shabbos meals I’ve experienced in my life.  When I wake up Shabbos morning and smell it cooking, all seems right with the world.  If Shabbos had a smell, it would be the cholent simmering away. 
  • Many conversations center around it: did it come out watery or more stew-like, spicy or savory, did my husband throw in some jalapeno sauce when no one was looking? 
  • “They say” the cholent depends on the guests… if the guest are good, the cholent will be good.  I doubt this is true, but it makes for excellent conversation (when the guests compliment the cholent, that is).
  • Babies LOVE it.  It’s mushy and savory.  They can put the hungriest teenage boy to shame in a cholent-off.
Q. How do you make this super-food?
A. The easiest way to make cholent is with a crock pot, but it can be done without.  Here’s my personal recipe.  My husband tends to jack it up with barbeque sauce, bone suckin’ sauce, and other interesting condiments when I’m not looking, so if yours turns out nothing like mine, sorry.  Yield: a normal hungry family, a family with guests if you’re not starving, or one yeshiva guy.
Ingredients:
1 package short ribs (aka “flanken”) – see below for meatless variation
3 potatoes – either white or sweet, or a combo
1/2 cup beans – navy, kidney, or any combo.  They must be RAW; not from a can.
1/2 cup barley
one onion, quartered
water to cover
salt, pepper, paprika, garlic powder
ketchup
With crock pot:
Place all ingredients and add water to cover.  Turn on high anytime on Friday.  Cook on high for at least 2-3 hours.  Before Shabbat, add more water to cover if it’s dry, lower crock pot to “warm” or “simmer” and ignore till lunch.  DO NOT STIR.  Ancient Jewish wisdom teaches that stirring cholent creates negative spiritual energies (joke).
Also: you’ll have to play around with your crock pot to get it right.  Don’t fret.  It took me about a year to get it right.
In a pot:
Follow crock pot ingredients.  Bring to a boil, and cook for 2 hours.  Lower to simmer.  Prior to Shabbat, add water if necessary and place in oven at 225.  Ignore till lunch.
Note: your pot will be a bear to clean, so here’s another trick.  After it’s been cooking, transfer to a disposable tin and place in oven at 225.  Then, after serving, you can dump the pan.
Vegan cholent:
Follow all instructions and ingredients; simply omit the meat.  I use only sweet potatoes when making vegan cholent to add flavor.  I also add some beans and barley.  It’s really good!
Happy cholenting!
Have you ever tried cholent?