There’s so much talk about parenting these days. Don’t be a helicopter mom. Don’t bubble-wrap your kids. Don’t hire people to write their college term papers. (Yes.) Teach them to stand up to bullying. Teach them not to bully. To clean up their language. To handle technology. And in one Dove-sponsored video, teach them to take a selfie. (Yes.)
This is all, possibly, good.
What no one is saying is this: parent yourself.
Teach yourself not to be bubble-wrapped. Teach yourself to stand up to bullies. To manage technology. To write your own work. To clean up your language.
Whenever I teach a group of adults about a particular concept in Judaism, a value, a higher, more ethical way of living, the FIRST thing people usually think about is their kids. “How can I teach this to my kids?” But that’s not really the first thing. The first question should be, “How can I teach this to myself?”
The Jewish world-view I was raised with teaches that you’re never done growing up. That ethical development and responsible decision-making is never complete. You don’t get a free pass to drink, swear, and gamble indiscriminately because “you’re a grown-up.” Being a grown-up means MORE responsible behavior, not less.
And no, not only because this is the most effective way to parent (it is), but because it is the most effective way to BE, whether you have kids or not; whether your kids are grown or small; whether you’re pleased with how they’ve turned out, or sadly, otherwise.
Take all the questions you would direct toward your child, like:
- Did you clean up your room?
- Are you careful with what you post online? It’s there forever, you know.
- Are you treating your siblings and parents with respect?
- Are you cultivating self-control?
- Are you eating healthfully?
- Are your spending habits sustainable?
- Are you succumbing to peer pressure?
- Are you dressing to impress others?
- Are you relying on others to build your self-esteem?
- Are you reaching your potential?
Now ask these questions to yourself. The answers may not come easily.
Parent, parent thyself.
This is so timely for me. Been feeling a bit discouraged with myself lately and I sometimes forget that it's a constant battle that may never be won. Nevertheless, I will keep fighting the good fight. Thank you for the reminder and the encouragement!
Tired, you've given me an idea. I think I'm going to write something for tired mommies! We all need encouragement. Thanks for commenting.
Love this
I love this except for the one question: "Are you dressing to impress others?"
I do not think we should teach our children or ourselves to dress just for others. You must like how you look and feel in your clothes before you consider wearing them in public. That's most important.
I can't speak for Ruchi, but that's not how I understood this question. For me it reads "Aren't you, by any chance, trying to flaunt your designer/expensive/loud clothes to make others feel poor/frumpy/insignificant?" and/or possibly "Are you sure you're dressed appropriately or are you giving in to peer pressure and wearing something that's out of line with what would be correct in a given circumstance?"
But maybe I interpreted it wrong.
Sort of 🙂 It was like, Are you dressing [just] to impress others? [Because I hope not.]
I find this sort of self-questioning useful when I spend too much time doing web-surfing and time-wasting, but the kids' internet cuts out (by parental design) in the evenings.
Oh, totally. I feel like a major hypocrite when I talk to my son about "limiting screen time." Am I?
Is the emphasis on more responsibility and not helicopter-parenting a Jewish thing, a Ruchi thing, or a big-family thing?
Good question. I definitely see less helicopter parenting in the Orthodox world. Hard to tease that out from large families. Would love to hear more opinions about this.
Helicopter parenting exists in the Orthodox world, it's just very different. It's one thing to helicopter your grade schooler to make sure he or she is chaperoned at play dates; it's another thing to make multiple phone calls to "references" to get details about whether your 21-year old child can even go on a date. And it's another thing to strongly insist on following social convention that unmarried "children" must live at home until they're married (even into their late 20s or so; I know this isn't universal but is often assumed that a "good" girl or boy stays living at home).
Interesting. Maybe one could say that non-Orthodox parents tend to "helicopter" more from physical dangers and Orthodox parents, from spiritual dangers.
Because let's be clear: dates lead to marriage. I imagine all parents would love to vet their kids' romantic interests more closely, if they only could.
Also, are you maligning following those social conventions because you think they're silly, or because you think it's silly to adhere to social conventions in general?
Guys don't typically live at home at that age. And even girls, here it's not uncommon for young women in their 20s to move to NY to work and date. However when I tell my secular friends that my 19 yo daughter lives at home while she works and goes to school, I sense a bit of surprise, yes, but also…envy.
Secular parents may not care about "spiritual dangers", but they care about their children's emotional well being, in addition to their physical health. We have a whole system for rating movies and other media in this country. I imagine many of the people who helped bring this about were secular people who didn't want their kids exposed to upsetting or inappropriate content. (Yes, people who are secular still have standards for appropriateness).
I think all parents do try to teach their kids about appropriate romantic relationships, but in terms of calling references and other extremely interventional aspects of the shidduch process, that's going awfully far. Kids need to learn to grow up, and sometimes that means making mistakes. (Not that mistakes don't happen in the frum world. My young yeshivish co-worker told me that three of his friends got divorced last year, and in his exact words, "that's the most of any year" since his friends started getting married).
As for social conventions, I am a very conventional person in most ways. I live a very conventional lifestyle. I don't buck convention for the sake of it. I buck convention when I don't agree with it. I do think that adult children (who are physically, emotionally, and intellectually able) do well by going away and living on their own.
Tesyaa, of course secular parents have standards (!) but movie ratings are not taken seriously by any preteen or teen. Secular parents are not "helicoptering" in this area AT ALL.
Also you have to compare apples to apples to apples. When I was 20 (and I was hardly an outlier here) I was married with a child and a job living in Israel away from almost all our relatives and friends. I was far, far more "grown up" and independent than my secular counterpart.
The Shidduch system is a long conversation that has to be delved into in context. I did write about it here: http://outoftheorthobox.blogspot.com/2011/09/so-how-did-you-guys-meet.html?m=1
With a daughter "of age" I'll say this: it's an imperfect system, for sure, but I currently known of none better in this difficult search for one's life partner. How beautiful, that parents are involved and connected with their kids in the search.
I just want to put it out there that I feel very privileged to still be living at home at 19, and to be the daughter of this amazing and talented blogger. I mean it when I say that she is the best mother I could have asked for.
Is the dating process considered as private a thing as "marriage stuff"? I mean, I guess no one wants to put their dating lives out there in public anyway. But I'd love to hear a diary/blog of what it means in the moment for the mom (and the daughter) to go through that whole process that Ruchi has described. But maybe generalities will have to suffice.
Aww Miriam 🙂 That means the world to me.
SBW, yes. It's private, because since it's for marriage, until it's clear that it's headed there, it's very uncomfortable to have everyone yakking about you. Also, there are some mystical ideas about the "evil eye" and people being jealous of you and gossiping about you and messing with your positive energies. Keeping your private life private is a good thing and helps you focus on what's important. I'll email you a link to a blog I like about a young woman who's dating.
And I'd like to add that, in your search for balance, are you doing what you can to maintain a child-like sense of fun? Children's abilities to find fun in simple things, and to abandon their self-consciousness and just experience the joy in something as basic as running down a hill, is really valuable. There is no reason that this sense of joy can't co-exist with maintaining adult responsibilities as well, and it will help the adults understand the children in their lives.
So well said . . . we absolutely should be worrying about some of these lessons ourselves!