Two weeks ago, I published a post entitled: The 5 Things I Wish All Orthodox Person Knew. It went viral (well, for me) and hit 2000 views in 5 days – which totally took me by surprise!
One of the points I made was that Orthodox people should know that there is no insularity or privacy anymore, and that sometimes people who used to be Orthodox will post negative experiences that they have had, as will journalists, bloggers, etc. – that nothing we do is private, and that one should have a healthy respect and awareness for this phenomenon.
Ususally, when I receive an Anonymous comment, I get a pit in my stomach as I open the email, because Anonymous comments on a blog like this are often trolls/angry people/negative commenters.
Yet, this one was not, and here’s what Anonymous said:
“This is one of your best posts.
Also, Ruchi, when you think
critically of us “angry former Ortho-folk” try to imagine how you might
have ended up not only without the benefit of the three influences you
listed, but with all the drawbacks of the opposite influences.
It’s
wonderful to imagine that you would have come out unscathed, that you
would never look like us, but we all imagined that kind of stuff until
we got here too :)”
See my reply there, in the comments section, where I promised Anonymous a response.
And here it is.
Dear Anonymous,
Firstly, thank you for your kind words. I always appreciate positive feedback about this forum. I spend a lot of time obsessing about this blog ad nauseum thinking about this blog, so the idea that others are benefiting is absolutely what keeps it going.
Secondly, while I am not thinking critically of AFOF (angry former Ortho-folk), I AM thinking critically of those who believe that it is their right or mandate to publicly spread negative information about any other group of humankind.
I just read an article this week about a former skinhead, Tom Leyden, who now works with the Simon Weisenthal Center. He decries Jews who blast other kinds of Jews online, saying “neo-Nazis don’t care what kind of Jew you are” – and points out that bigots and supremacists use just such sites to collect ammo against Jews. Chilling: a skinhead has to remind us not to blast negativity about one another online.
That said, I turn to the end of your comment: that my experience was blessed, even charmed; that minus my charmed upbringing, there but for the grace of God go I.
True.
I speak often of judging, and I believe that humans can’t be judged, but actions and philosophies must be judged. I look at you, Anonymous, as a whole person. I don’t know if you are one of those folks who spreads bad stuff online. If you are, I fully disapprove of the practice. It is one of the awful-est things out there. But in any event, I know I cannot judge you. I can’t judge your pain; can’t judge your decision to leave Orthodoxy (and maybe subsequently re-embrace it, your own way?); can’t judge any experience that you had or temptation that you endured or agony that you lived through or disillusionment that you suffered. Because any way you slice it, it’s rarely about walking away from Orthodoxy to eat a cheeseburger. The journey is fraught with pain, disappointment and estrangement.
I think. What do I know?
What I DO want the world to know, and is a huge reason I started this blog, is that there are many, many Orthodox Jews who are happily living the life; who had positive experiences growing up and positive experiences with their parents; who are wonderful human beings; who love God and are in healthy marriages and are raising well-adjusted kids; who try to do good things and acts of kindness and pray for others. They don’t make a lot of noise, and the world may be oblivious to them, but I’d like that to end. I’d like for the world to sit up and take notice.
And, Anonymous, I don’t know if this will make you feel loved or annoyed, but they are praying for your well-being too…
As this post touches on sensitive issues, I’d like to remind my readers that comments that are angry, snide or negative will not be published.
Beautifully written Ruchi. This evening, as we go to light out menorahs, in the window, for all to see, we must remember that the world is constantly looking as us Jews. Even if you don't believe that G-d is watching every move you make, because G-d is just not your thing, who can deny that countless beings walking this Earth would love for us to fail and or disappear altogether. Many gleam with excitement as we sling mud at each other, for it makes their jobs that much easier. May the unifying act of lighting our candles bring us closer to one another and solidify our role as a light unto the nations. Chanukah sameach! Happy Chanukah!
heather that was beautiful. i'd love to quote this on my own blog, if I may. you can text or PM me.
I am sorry to give you a few moment's pain when you see my signature, but I write to thank you for both of your postings. We have 2 children who are AFOF, and are close to several other such young people. The truth is that they are really hurt and wounded. I don't want to detail some of the specifics lest I add anything to our enemy's fire, but you might shed a few tears if I did. I shed some everyday when I pray for them and when I recall some of the specifics and wish we could have helped and protected them. One thing we can all try to do, besides judging actions and not people, is to mentally bless each struggling person [and who isn't struggling-that is life!] when we see them. Perhaps our inner blessing will shine through to them. Tonight begins Chanukah and we celebrate incredible miracles performed for us long ago. I pray for more miracles: the healing and return of all of our children.
Anonymous, that was just beautiful.
I try to remember that we don't see G-d's scales, that neighborly acts of kindness at times may weigh more than keeping shabbos in all its minutiae – we can never know. The most important thing is for each and every one of us to try to make this world a nicer, better place to live, for one and all, and never to judge another until you've walked a mile in their shoes.
Ruchi, you are really s/thing to enable this kind of sharing of innermost thoughts "out there".
I want to thank all four if you for contributing your honest and kind thoughts. I've been thinking of all your words all day.
*sigh*
As I used to tell my students (post bar- and bat- mitzvah class at my shul), Havdalah is a reminder that Hashem gave us the gift of differentiation, but we have to use it wisely. It is so hard for any of us not to judge, whether we're talking about Hashkafah, mitzvah observance, parenting, fashion sense… we need this kind of reminder frequently.
And thanks to the previous commenters for your beautiful words.
Ruchi, I love your blog. I love that Jews from so many different perspectives and experiences are able to comment and discuss and learn. Hopefully the readers of your blog will help us all move closer to Jewish unity.
And thanks for putting the concept of happy, well-adjusted Orthodox folks out there. It's one of my goals, too.
SCJ and Rivki: thank you! Blog sistas!