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Do you wish you could take on more observances? Feel stretched, and wish you could scale back? Or do you feel you’re holding the tension at a good place?
Complacent? Stressing? Growing? Stagnating? Stretched? What do you say?
Friends and I were just discussing this last night. Talk about a struggle! Multiple times a day I wish I was doing more and then in other areas, I am happy where I am at and saying, "Phew. I'm glad I haven't taken on that yet." Maybe I'm giving myself credit where it is undeserved or focusing on that little word too much, but I'm happy "yet" is in my thoughts.
Lately, when I take on a "new or improved" observance I do it with the thought in mind of doing it in another person's memory or for their recovery or assistance. I usually make it a rather small step. I find I am most successful when I undertake to learn a little more about the observance at the same time. These small steps are best for me [ the BIG steps were taken years ago now ] and I find that they are very meaningful.
I do think that you have to be careful if you are becoming more observant. My dh and I took on too much too fast and it totally backfired. We are such slackers these days. It is all a very long story, but in short we discovered that we were Jewish, and the rabbi's that helped us were wonderful. The people who taught us were wonderful too, but they really were too eager for us to be super observant like them. I remember my last Shabbat in that neighborhood the lady shouting at me, that I HAD to cover my hair, that I was causing her husband to sin, and that was the last Shabbat we spent in an Orthodox neighborhood. For the record my Rabbi said not to rush it, and that when I felt it was right is when I should. I had already given up so much, for some reason that was just IT.
I really like your blog btw!
Heather, I think that's probably a sign you're in a good place. If sometimes you're wondering if it's too much, and sometimes too little… sounds like Goldilocks.
Anonymous #1: small is usually smart. And the learning that goes along with it seems obvious, but unfortunately is too often overlooked.
Anonymous #2: Thanks 🙂 So glad you are reading! I so agree with you. Very glad to hear your rabbi gave you good advice. There will always be "people" that say "things" – that's just life. The lady in question apparently needs some social skills training. Burnout can be a real issue when taking on any new system of behavior (fitness, eating habits, study/work habits) and must be addressed, but not over-indulged.
As a ba'al teshuva of 11-ish years, I think I've reached a very good place overall. I do think that I need to work more on maintaining levels of observance and sharpening certain aspects, like making sure I make it to shul on time each day, having more concentration when davening/making brachos, and making sure to build time for Torah study into my academically busy schedule. Then there's the whole marriage thing, which always needs attention 😉
Speaking of marriage…when considering the whole "where am I holding?" issue, once one is married, it becomes a whole delicate tango of who is ready to take what on when. I have a very wise mentor who assures me that in her long marriage, it was always one spouse or the other who was "leading" at any given time…but that the roles changed throughout the marriage, so that it wasn't just one of them shlepping the other along for all eternity.
Now, if only she could give me some advice about how to bring up the topic with my DH! I'd love to stretch more, but I'd love to do it within the context of our whole family. Is that too much to ask?
I definitley feel we could take on more and my husband agrees, but we disagree on what we need work on. thank gd were doing well, so its not like i walk around guilty everyday..
As someone in conversion there is a LOT of pressure to prove yourself "worthy" of being a Jew so we took on WAY too much too fast and now I regret it in some ways. It took a lot of the joy out of creating new traditions and so forth and turned them into objective goals to check of in some imaginary check list in my mind.
I still love Judaism and am converting but I also have a serious case of burn out. I had to take my observance back a notch or risk causing myself to resent Judaism. Being forced to take on too much too soon (even if you're being forced only by your own ideals) generally backfires. Oddly enough it wasn't so much the observances like dress or covering my hair which got to me–it was moving a community of Jews and being dropped into and entirely different set of cultural and social rules that I had no idea about.
I'm much happier now that I have slowed down.
I am ambivalent about Jewish observance. Honestly, for me it is about cultural identity and not so much about beliefs, since I'm pretty far over in the Reform/secular terrain. I send the kids to Jewish day camp in summer, since Camp Wise in Cleveland was such a positive Jewish experience for me and I thereby 'outsource' some of the Judaism that we don't do much of at home, but the camp is part of a Reform synagogue (we're not in Cleveland), and I actually wish it were more like Camp Wise with level of observance.
I do like to light Shabbat candles and have the basic candles/wine/challah prayers. Someone has to remember to get a challah, however, and that doesn't always happen. We lit Chanukah candles last month. We do a lovely Pesach with friends of similar ambivalence. Sometimes I wish we did more, but then I would have to be the one to organize that and I don't seem to have the 'fire' in me to do so.
It IS amazing how much marriage and kids impact this. Do you think it makes the process easier or harder?
I think right now I'm in a good place. I'm feeling comfortable with my observance, but I see areas where I want to improve, and I'm choosing small, manageable goals to achieve. And now that I'm feeling all proud of myself, I'm going to go work on developing humility…
Rivki I think that exactly sums up my thoughts too 🙂
I'm with anonymous. Shabbos is an area in which I would very much like to take on more, but my husband is reluctant and I really can't do it without his help. I feel like we'd really enjoy a "real" shabbos and it would be good for all of us, but getting him to the point where he wants it too? That's not really something I can do just by wanting it. And so I do what I can, trying to make plans that I feel are in keeping with the spirit of Shabbos at least.
Sounds like you're addressing your challenge wisely. Just was strongly reminded in a leadership conference that Shalom Bayit (harmony between husband and wife) is more important than almost anything.