The drive confuses me, sometimes,
to reach out.
Conversations
blogging
teaching
emails
lecturing
I want to take it higher bigger better
shout from the rooftops
or whatever is the professionally appropriate equivalent.
I look around.
It seems
a lot of people are content
in their own little corners
doing good
working
taking care of families
crafting
cooking
reading
talking on the phone with friends,
families
what’s that emotion, there? Come back, you.
I want to chat with you.
What are you?
Envy? I’m curious. Yes, you.
Explain yourself, little one.
You want, too, to sit in a sweet little corner of privacy? And just be?
HA!
You lie. You wouldn’t be happy.
What’s that? You want to be happy with that?
Well. This is what God gave you. He gave you this drive.
And you don’t always need to understand it.
And you don’t always need to love it.
but know: it’s yours. And always will be.
So go out there now.
and do what you need to do.
And you, little envy, sweetie… go on, now. Go find somewhere else to play.
Buh-bye.
What a beautiful way to put envy in its proper place. I loved this, Ruchi! 🙂
Aww..thank you 🙂
BEAUTIFUL Ruchi! You wouldn't be you without that drive. Your desire to teach others is "your baby." I'm glad you're owning it.
Thanks Heather! That's very kind.
I like the idea of having a talk with my envy while it ducks around trying to avoid me but stays present.
Having a drive, or a pressing talent, or a calling, is definitely a mixed thing. Not the same thing at all as what you write about, but I used to be very envious of the moms who could sit for hours at the tot-lot, patiently and relaxedly watching their toddlers toddle around, calmly admonish them when they didn't behave as expected, talk to everyone about how much they looooved being pregnant and feel soooo fulfilled now with the kids. I love my kids beyond everything, but I need more stimulation and get irritable if there isn't a plan, an activity, something to structure my time and give me a point of focus. And a chance to display my own talents among adults (or supposed adults) who can appreciate my rapid-fire approach to things.
Here is an anecdote that is not at all fitting with your poetic and introspective post: in the context of interviewing some nanny candidates I used an agency that included a personality test in their profiles. It was not an deep, interior personality test, it was more about how reportees work with people and handle challenges. I didn't really understand the summaries, and was skeptical of whether to put any stock at all in a "personality test", so I found the test online, paid $30, took it myself, made my husband take it and read the lengthy reports we received. (It's the DiSC test, used by human resources types to make up teams of people with different communication styles and strengths.) Well, we both had to laugh at how PERFECTLY ACCURATE this test was. It described me amazingly. Including, unfortunately, the kinds of things that "pose challenges" to people who have to work with me. Same thing with husband. Hilarious glimpses of self-recognition.
What reading those results did was free me a bit from my feeling that I should be different. That I should be more patient with tedious, repetitive tasks. It helped me acknowledge my need for "displaying my talents" and recognition, and also even little things like the kind of work environment that suits me best. I find myself more accepting of the weaknesses I have, and see that they are the flip sides of my strengths.
YES. I feel so understood, and validated, reading your response. Thank you for getting it!!
My New Hashkafah of Shidduchim 🙂
My new hashkafah of shidduchim is thanking and praising HASHEM always 🙂
Even when my dating experiences are far from pleasant, I realize that HASHEM is guiding my life with His infinite wisdom and abundant love, and exact precision that only He is capable of 🙂
HASHEM always knows what is truly good for me, even when I do not 🙂
Often what I need most is atonement and humility, so G_d gives me those precious things through unpleasant dating experiences 🙂
I now realize that I must always thank HASHEM for ALL of my dating experiences, because even the worst dates are for my eternal benefit, because they provide me with precious atonement and humility 🙂
Tractate Avot teaches that the reward for a good deed is proportionate to its difficulty; by giving me difficult dating experiences, HASHEM is providing me with greater reward for Olam HaBa, in addition to precious atonement and humility 🙂
G_d loves me even more than I love myself, and He would never give me an unpleasant dating experience unless it was for my eternal benefit in both Olam HaZeh and Olam HaBa 🙂
THANK YOU HASHEM!!!!
Thank you for all my dating experiences, whether pleasant or unpleasant or mediocre 🙂
You are always guiding me with endless wisdom and love; You always help me and give me everything I need 🙂
I regret all the times I complained;
instead of complaining, I should have been busy thanking You.
THANK YOU HASHEM!!!!
While it's unclear to me if you meant to respond to this particular post, this response was so heartwarming and sincere I published it anyway. Thanks! And welcome!
Love. This.
Ruchi, I relate to this on every level. EVERY one, really. Sometimes I wish I would keep my life simpler and just enjoy my hobbies and not feel the need to have something to say . . . to have people read it, connect, etc. I feel that way Jewishly too even in my small way. I've gone through stages of hosting Torah learnings, etc, in my house, in the synagogue. . . and stages where I've felt a loss of energy to encourage anyway to do more.
Yes, yes yes…I love feeling so understood :O) Thanks for letting me know.