Well, the holidays are all over, and it’s time to get back to real life.
For those of you who celebrate the whole week of Sukkot and Shemini Atzeret and Simchat Torah in addition to Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur…you know exactly of what I speak. Especially if your kids have been home for like two weeks straight after just barely starting school.
So, this real life for which we pine. What is it?
Schedule.
Bedtimes.
Regular-sized meals (as opposed to feasts).
Work.
School.
Errands.
Crossing off the lists of things to do.
And what we’ve been doing the past few weeks?
Focusing on the meaning of life.
Joy.
Family.
Yeah, food.
Leisure.
Naps.
Praying.
Which is real life?
And which is the part to get over with?
Ruchi I was thinking about this a lot yesterday. The way I see it, we use the spiritual uplift from the holidays to boost us into 'real life'. It's not realistic to spend all our time doing what we've done through the holidays. Real life is how we spend our everyday time.
I'm with Shifra on this one!
That's an interesting way to look at it…
I think it is mostly about balance. I haven't observed all the holidays because it gave me a slight headache to feast for so many days on end and being torn from the "normal". Interestingly, to me the day-to-day routine grounds me and gives me strength with a little breather on the weekends. How do you feel about this?
What I wonder is – are the holidays still special after so many in a row? Or do you have a slight feeling of "thank G'd it is all over now" after Simchat Torah?
I definitely have that feeling – but I'm not proud of it. But then I remember that the "real" way to celebrate the holidays is how it's done in Israel: one day, not two, and very rarely three. How we celebrate outside of Israel is a second-rate concession. Then I feel better about the "phew" feeling 🙂 I do love the day-to-day routine. I'm a creature of schedule and routine. But on Shabbos and holidays I do feel: This is what's it's REALLY about.
I just want to point out that overeating isn't a religious requirement. You're allowed to eat normal-size meals.
Haha to DG's point. In that vein, what is with the 4 glasses of wine at Passover? Or is that just an R thing? Seems like a commandment to get drunk.
Yes DG it was illuminating! Thanks.
even the 4 glasses of wine on pesach can be rather small glasses (86 cc) and mixed with grape juice as well, so you really aren't drunk, even after all 4 – which are drunk rather spaced out – especially if you say lots of commentary on the hagada.
and DG has a very good point about not overeating.
I agree with Shifra and Tehilla. Aside from that, though, one other thing I "took" from my own holidays experience this year was mindfulness. Yes, we had lots of holidays – but each day was so different than the next!
In the daily prayers: do I say "Hamelech Hakadosh" or not? "Ledavid H'"?
housework: can I cook today? wash the clothes?
rituals: do I make kiddush? what do I say?
just being: how do I greet my neighbor today? "good shabbos", "chag sameach" or just plain "hello"?
I'm trying to work just a bit of that mindfulness into my daily routine existence now as well.
Hey, I love that thought.
What, actually, do Os do during Shemini Atzeret [which I've barely heard of] and Simchat Torah [similarly barely heard of]? And Sukkot is mostly about eating and sleeping in the sukkah, so kids don't go to school? Does O-celebrated holiday = no school in every case?
All the Jewish holidays which involve near-Shabbat levels of restrictions (Pesach, Sukkot, Shemini Atzeret/Simchat Torah, Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur) mean you can't drive a car, use electricity, or write. So school becomes pretty difficult. Note that the 'middle days' of Pesach and Sukkot are less restrictive, but in America the day schools remain closed for efficiency reasons – many people go away for the holiday, some people take a tougher line of just how restrictive the middle days should be etc. And this isn't that different from the Xmas break/February break/Easter break I remember from my days in public school – it is just that the timing is different.
I know the Sabbath is commanded to be without work, that's a biggie, everyone knows that. But does God in Torah somewhere say that these other holidays are also without work? Wait, does God even proclaim these holidays? Aren't some of them commemorations of things IN the Torah so they weren't commanded by God to be celebrated as holidays? Who decides what gets to be a holiday? And what "celebrating it" means?
I get that the idea is NOT just "day off for Jews!" but instead "go pray specifically in honor of this thing" which is an important activity. Therefore it is not analogous to some of the secular holidays that madden me because they include "day off for everyone!" Like Martin Luther King Day. Absolutely a great thing to honor the man and the ideals. But that does NOT happen if kids are at home watching tv or even playing outside. It should be a commemoration day with learning, not a free pass.
Many Orthodox schools used to be open on Chol Hamoed Sukkos (not Pesach, because of food/cleaning requirements), with minimal academic work but much recreation and festivity. From what I have been told, it was a wonderful experience for kids whose parents wanted them to go to a traditional Jewish school yet were not fully Orthodox themselves. These kids got to eat in a sukkah and experience much of the ambiance of the chag. Nowadays, the only kids who go to Orthodox schools are from fully Orthodox families (with the exception of a few schools that include a lot of Russians or Israelis). This change – both the homogenization of the day school population and the acceptance thereof – is a huge loss.
But then again, Orthodox parents don't even want non-Orthodox kids (who may eat non-kosher candy and wear immodest clothing outside of school hours) in the same schools with their kids. Homogeneity is what they want.
The day is not really about praying in honor of something. That's only one aspect of it. Almost all of these holidays, along with the prohibition of work on these days, are mentioned in the Torah (see Leviticus 23). The exception is Simchat Torah. Outside of Israel, most holidays have an extra day added. This is because in Temple times the first day of the month was declared in Jerusalem based on someone actually having seen the moon. Since people living far away from Jerusalem couldn't find out in time when the holidays were, they observed two days (they knew it was either one or the other). Later in the course of history, the second (i.e., added) day of Shemini Atzeret became known as Simchat Torah. It's the day when the yearly cycle of Torah reading ends and starts over again from Genesis, and it's a day of celebration of the Torah, involving lots of dancing with and reading from the Torah scrolls. In Israel, where the day after Shemini Atzeret is not a holiday, Shemini Atzeret and Simchat Torah are the same day.
Does that alleviate the confusion or exacerbate it?
As part of the description of Shabbat, the phrase "you shall not do melacha" (creative activity/work) is used.The same phrase is used for Yom Kippur. For RH, the first and last days of Pesach, the first day of Sukkot and Shemini Atzeret the phrase "you shall do no strenuous melacha" is used instead. The Talmud explains (to a first approximation) that those holidays have all the same restrictions as Shabbat except 1) Cooking and related activities are permitted (with some limitations, you can transfer a flame but not ignite or extinguish one), and one may transfer objects between domains as though it was a weekday(often described as 'carrying is permitted'), as long as it is for the needs of the holiday.
All of these holidays are explicitly described in the Torah, including what they commemorate. and their special mitzvot if any. Purim and Chanukah were established by rabbinic legislation, and the rabbis did not require any general restrictions on melacha. performing me
tesyaa, you say that "Nowadays, the only kids who go to Orthodox schools are from fully Orthodox families (with the exception of a few schools that include a lot of Russians or Israelis). This change – both the homogenization of the day school population and the acceptance thereof – is a huge loss" but I think a big reason for this is the advent of non-Orthodox day schools. Don't you?
No, I don't. There were plenty of non-Orthodox day schools in the 60s, 70s, and 80s (Solomon Schechter and a few independent schools). A few large Conservative congregations even ran their own day schools. I don't know what the statistics are, but I'd guess there are fewer, not more, non-O day schools than there used to be.
In general, I'm not sure non-O parents are willing to pay tuition for any day school or yeshiva. Perhaps the "homogenization" is due more to tuition increases than anything else. I know for a fact that a local yeshiva high school that charged $3,000 for one year's tuition in 1981 charges $24,000 today.
But for Orthodox schools that do have a small but significant percentage of kids from non-O homes, wouldn't it be great if they were open for full or half days on Chol Hamoed sukkos? I think one could argue that this is as much Tzorech haMoed as a trip to Funplex. I even heard of Orthodox schools that used to be open for a half day on Purim. Kids from non-O families could hear the megilla and give their friends mishloach manos.
Interesting. Here in Cleveland that's not the case. There was one community day school under Orthodox auspices that began some 75 years ago. The students varied from very Orthodox to not at all. Over the years (maybe beginning 40 years ago) Schechter and Agnon opened. Even when I was a student at the Hebrew Academy from 1982-1992, there were some kids from non-Orthodox homes. Now? I don't know if there are any. In the modern Orthodox school there are some, though, since the non-Orthodox schools have no high schools, although I know in the past and now too, parents are trying to open one here.
In a way I like your idea of half-day school on Chol Hamoed. Again, here in Cleveland, many families travel out of town for the duration of the holiday, so I'm not sure what that would look like in terms of attendance.
I was thinking the same thing as I witnessed my surrendering to the Yom Tov's over the last few weeks and then back out of them. I was more emotional yesterday then any other day this last month….all I know is that I personally come out of these holidays feeling stronger, with increased stamina and discipline that I never knew I had.
I like the way you put that: surrendering. That's really what it is.
1. We say Baruch Hamavdil for a reason. We need both parts, and the balance between those parts.
2. Being spiritual is a lot more work than the work-a-day world.
3. I think how you feel about a lot of this is about the circumstances of your life. Are you working outside the home and thus fitting shopping and laundry and ironing and cooking in late at night and in the "corners" of your life? Do you have a lot of small children, which leaves little time for reflection (or sleep)? I think it is hard to find your spirituality when you are in survival mode. Which isn't that you are pining for regularity, but just that you don't have the bandwidth to connect to the Divine when your three-year-old is throwing up on your shoes while you are trying to squeeze in a Shemonah Esrey in the living room.
4. There is something–the yezter hara, our own "davkanik" nature–that rebels when it's "time to be spiritual." (Before I was frum, I rebelled against feeling/doing romantic on February 14.)
5. It really is too much food for a lot of people. Even cooking lighter. Less meat, less starch, less dessert, it really is a lot of food.
5.
I
love #1!
Amy, I could not agree more with everything you said. With regards to #3, I already see how different my holidays are now that my kids are a bit older. I enjoy them SO much more and am so grateful to be able to chill with my older kids, whereas even 5 years ago there was so much stress around the kids being off school for so long.
Naps? Hahahahaha.
Seriously, though, it's not so much that I'm eager to get either part "over with," but by putting regularly scheduled life on its ear for almost a month, I can appreciate the steadiness of it. And while I do love aspects of the chagim, I found it exhausting to prepare and celebrate with my family in its current state (three small ones, new neighborhood, etc.).
Rivki, see my response to Amy above 🙂 It gets better!
Our day school is open on sukkos chol hamoed, with a school sukkah, hallel during davening, light or no real homework, but a full day schedule. We love the balance. Don't want to travel on sukkot because we love our sukkah and our local friends. It is a pluralist day school, with plenty of observant families, Orthodox and otherwise.
That's what I had growing up, and I wish my kids were getting the same experience. Instead, they spent chol hamoed (the middle days) at home, playing on the computer, while I worked. It would have been so much more beneficial for them to be in school doing special activities. Not to mention it would alleviate the pressure to learn everything about all the chagim in those first few days.
"Focusing on the meaning of life. Joy. Family. Yeah, food. Leisure. Naps. Praying."
Really? I too have active kids, and live in a neighborhood with few other kids (well, there are plenty of RW Ortho ones, but they won't play with MO boys who wear shrugot or gasp! light blue shirts), so "family" pretty much prevented "focus" "joy" "leisure" "naps" and certainly "praying." In the meantime, the non-work of the yamim tovim is more than offset by the massive catch-up game, whether it's errands or laundry/housework or work. Chagim are a disaster in terms of physical well-being too, killing any sleep regularity, appropriate eating, and real exercise. But it's ok, by then end of Cheshvan I'll stop regretting having BT'd.
Can you switch off naps with your spouse? It works for us, except it means we never get to do anything together aside from meals. But it's worth it to get that all-important nap.
Anonymous,
I gotta be honest with you. When I first saw your comment, I felt attacked somehow. Like you were trying to devalue or delegitimize my positive experience with your negative one.
Then I decided not to personalize it so much. It's not, after all, all about me.
So what I hear you saying is that you regret becoming religious over the holidays. It's that bad, because of your little kids preventing your enjoyment of them, and because of the close-mindedness of more religious kids refusing to play with yours. Also, because of the "forced vacation" you have to more than pay for it after.
But, for some reason, after the holidays season passes, you don't regret it anymore. You don't say why, although this intrigues me.
In any case, I am here to tell you that the stage you are in (as far as having young kids and it being so hard) is tough but temporary. I am here to tell you it gets easier as the kids get older and become less dependent.
About the forced vacation part, well, I find that's the case with *any* vacation I take. I have to play catch-up, big time. I still find it worth it. What's the alternative? Never stopping?
In any case, thanks for your comment. It got me thinking.
I attended a Modern O day school growing up that was open on chol hamoed sukkos. To me it was a confusing mix of the school trying to make it fun yet trying to make it a real school day at the same time. I don't remember any of the fun or meaningfulness of the day. All I remember is my mother being upset that we had written assignments. My parents always sent notes (before the chag) saying we were not permitted to write. I think a sukkos party in a teachers sukkah that could even include the non-O parents, would be far more beneficial to everyone. So, no, I don't see it as a huge loss. Also, interesting to note that there was never school on chol homoed pesach – that may have interfered with all of our Trips to Florida! 😉
That's interesting. Maybe it's similar to Shushan Purim, when the kids have school but it's like a quasi-weird day. I wonder if the benefits outweigh the losses. Another thought this leads me to is: is day school supposed to function as daycare for working moms?
Whether or not school is supposed to function as daycare, that is what it is. How often do people say "I'll go back to work when all the kids are in school"? But if there is no school on chol hamoed and the mother is working, the answer is to find a temporary babysitter.
Why shouldn't school function as daycare for working moms? My job is to go to work and earn a living. My children's job is to go to school and learn stuff. Why shouldn't they have similar calendars? Shouldn't they both be full time commitments? It is not to the kids' educational benefit to have so many days off and half days; it is all to make the job more attractive to the teachers who want to have their cake and eat it too. If women who work outside the ortho world are able to make yom tov without two days off in advance to prepare each time, day school teachers could function that way too.
My kids are old enough to stay home alone so a babysitter isn't necessary, but all these days off are detrimental educationally. Two steps forward one step back in terms of classroom learning with constant interruptions. It is rare for them to have three full weeks of school in a row.
Also, my understanding of why we didn't have school on chol hamoed Pesach was because that would have required completely cleaning the school, as well as concerns about what the non-Ortho kids would bring for lunch.
Your work and your kids' educational needs don't necessarily sync. Plus, your working schedule and those of your kids' friends' mothers may be out of sync as well. I don't think it's my kids' schools' responsibility to cover me when I'm working. But I know a lot of my friends think it is.