One of the biggest chasms I’ve encountered between the Orthodox and non-Orthodox communities is the way the shiva customs are observed. So I’m here to demystify Orthodox shiva, cuz it’s a whole ‘nother animal. Some of the below might be familiar to you, and some may not; I’m approaching the subject as though I am addressing someone who is not familiar with any the customs.
1. Shiva is observed beginning after the funeral for 7 full days, excluding Shabbat and holidays (since on those days there is a mitzvah to be happy).
2. Mirrors are covered to symbolize that it’s not a time to focus on the physical.
3. Shiva is to honor the memory of the deceased, and to comfort the loved ones of the deceased. Tradition teaches that the soul is present during the shiva and is aware of all that transpires.
4. The mourners (blood relatives+spouse) sit on low chairs and do not wear shoes made of leather. They continue to wear their clothes that have been torn in grief (there’s a custom to tear clothes in grief upon learning of the death of a loved one – again, blood relatives+spouse).
5. The food at the shiva is meant for the mourners, and those that are staying with them. It is not intended for visitors; this is to prevent the atmosphere from becoming too festive.
6. The visitors are to enter without knocking and without greeting or being greeted. They are not to initiate conversation until addressed by the mourners, so they can gauge the mood of the mourners and read their cues as to where their wishes are and what they would like to discuss. The mourners are not to “host” – greet, introduce, make sure everyone has somewhere to sit.
7. The best length of time to stay is 10-15 minutes, unless you sense the mourners want you to stay longer, or unless you are very close.
8. Finally, the ideal conversation is about the deceased – specifically, inspiring stories about his/her life; memories; what we can learn from their legacy.
What are your shiva experiences?
Not super-different from our Fairmount Temple customs (although it depends on the family for a lot of this in our community). Most mourners do ask people to eat though, bc usually there is enough food sent to the shiva house to feed 50 shiva houses, and the mourners usually don't want to waste the food, or feel uncomfortable giving away food that was meant to comfort them.
Whoops forgot to say that in our community few people cover their mirrors. Not sure why, other than they maybe feel weird doing that.
I learned about shiva when I lost my father. I'll never forgot the person who showed up to support me (who had lost his mom the year before), and who explained the basics of shiva to me. Points 6 and 8 were the biggest surprise to me, and were also a huge comfort and made so much sense, and these are the rules I try hard to remember when I make a shiva call now. I'm so thankful to be Jewish whenever I'm reminded that non-Jews don't get that shiva period to reflect and grieve after the funeral. It must be so much harder for them, you know?
Among Sefardim, it is customary for the person making the shiva call to eat at the shiva house. It may be so that the house is filled with blessings; I'm not sure. But it is definitely a big deal to them.
I'm not Jewish, merely Jewishly interested (something along those lines, anyway) but I've been thinking since I read this post how lucky you are for having these set customs and expectations around death. When I lost my father, I definitely could have used a little structure like you describe here, instead of trying to play hostess on top of my mourning.
I'm really enjoying reading your blog, Ruchi, I have learned so much about Orthodox Judaism from you.
– Sara
Leslie: I remember that time well. May his memory be a blessing.
Anon #1: I did not know that. Thanks for teaching.
Anon #2 (Sara): I am so happy you have discovered OOTOB. Welcome! I agree that the structure is enormously comforting. If you have any specific areas of interest I'd love to hear them.
When I got up from shiva last March I wrote a summary of my experience. I hope you don't mind if I link to it here: http://www.amotherinisrael.com/shiva-list-tips/
mother in israel, that was really important. Especially the part about how you wanted people to stay longer. I guess everyone's different…
Ruchi, thanks for that. It means a lot.
My home community (Reform) observed much of these rituals though, like Leah, everyone eats. Also, more and more families choose to do one to three days of shiva.
One other thing that I have rarely observed in the more liberal communities is the tradition of not greeting the mourners. After the death of my grandmother, z"l, I wrote the following post in the hopes of educating my congregation about this tradition. (http://frumesarah.com/2010/04/11/a-time-to-keep-silent-and-a-time-to-speak/)
I don't think it took…
frumesarah, that was great. It's really hard to follow unless everyone is sort of "in on it." But kudos for your efforts. When observed in its entirety, shiva is truly a comfort.
Thank you for your reply and for your welcome, Ruchi! For the time being I'm more than content to read whatever you wish to post, I find each and everone of your posts so informative.
Sara