April, 1993. Jerusalem.
I am 18 and studying in seminary in Israel. I have never had a boyfriend. It is Friday during the holiday of Passover (Pesach) and I am at my aunt’s house. I call my parents to wish them a good Shabbos, and my mother asks me if I am sitting down. I sit, then say yes.
Mom: Someone approached me to ask if you would be interesting in dating while in Israel.
Me: Whaaaat?
Mom: It seems the Koval boy is in yeshiva in Israel right now and was suggested for you.
Me: But-but I’m still in seminary.
Mom: Why don’t you think about it?
Explanation:
Most Orthodox girls “start dating” for marriage when they return from their year/s in Israel. Unless she’s not ready, a girl’s parents will start fielding suggestions from friends or relatives who “know someone” – ie, their neighbor, cousin, nephew. My case was unusual because the guy was my neighbor and our parents were friends, so his mother basically suggested the idea to my mother, whereas typically a middle-man or woman is involved to minimize the awkwardness if one party is disinterested. These are not “arranged marriages” – the dates are arranged, and not dissimilar from a classic blind date, and the marriage itself must be entirely consensual after getting to know one another. Parents typically do a rather thorough background check, talking to neighbors, relatives, teachers, roommates.
My thoughts:
I’m not ready for this. This is so exciting! I’m not ready for this. How cool is this! Am I ready for this? The Kovals are really special people. Are you ever truly ready for this?
April, 1993. Jerusalem.
The holiday is over. I call my mother.
Me: So, what’s going on with the Koval situation?
Mom: Well, they are definitely interested.
Me: But I can’t go out while in seminary. That’s too weird. And everyone in the dorm will know! I think we should wait till after finals.
Explanation:
Seminary is a time to focus on spiritual growth and textual knowledge. I wanted to close one chapter before opening another. It helped that seminary offered philosophical lectures and practical advice on dating and marriage, and I wanted to get that all in before I got started with the dating bit. Also, typically the dating process is very private. The guy and the girl don’t share with friends whom they are dating. This is for two reasons: one, to protect the couple from awkward explanations and gossip in the event it doesn’t work out, and two, as the Talmud states: Blessing only rests on that which is hidden from the eye. Put differently, if you’ve got it, don’t flaunt it, or you risk losing it.
My thoughts:
How will I borrow that killer outfit from my Belgian friend in the dorm without letting on that it’s for a date?
June, 1993. Jerusalem.
The “Koval guy” pulls up in a taxi to my aunt and uncle’s apartment in Jerusalem to pick me up. He knocks, comes in, and sits at the table that is set with refreshments no one will touch. We chat, and leave. All according to script. He speaks Israeli Hebrew to the cabbie and is very, very, nice.
After the date I return to my aunt and uncle’s apartment. I am happy. We went to a lounge and chatted for a few hours, then took a walk in a park. It was a good date. He’s very nice. I’m willing to go out again. My aunt and uncle are the “shadchanim” – matchmakers or middlemen, but that’s a lousy definition – meaning they mediate after each date. It is de rigueur for both boy and girl to get back to the shadchan within 24 hours. He does and also had a nice time. The second date is handled through the mediators and is set for a few days hence.
Explanation:
The purpose of Torah dating is for marriage – no delusions there. There is absolutely no touching before marriage, so the dates are spent chatting and in casual activities like touring, playing games, or eating out. The subsequent dates are either arranged via the shadchan, or by the couple themselves over the phone once they become more comfortable.
My thoughts:
He’s so nice! Could I marry this guy? Wait. I don’t need to know if I want to marry him. I just need to know if I want to go out again. I do. That Israeli accent was pretty impressive.
End of June, 1993. New York.
We’ve gone out 4 times in Israel. Our dates have included a safari trip, an air hockey stint, a pizza date, and the boardwalk in Tel Aviv. He’s really, really, really nice. I respect his values and his opinions. I am truly impressed with how he treats the waitress, the toll booth guy, and the parking attendant. He is thoughtful of my schedule and respectful of Torah leaders. I like that he’s also normal. Very spiritual, but likes to have fun too. Great family. He obviously thinks this is going places, because he left his yeshiva mid-semester in Israel to continue dating. Our next date is to meet his parents, which is hilarious, because I totally know them from the block. But OK, to spend some time chatting. As a potential daughter-in-law. We meet in Central Park, then head over to a restaurant for dinner. Future FIL jokes about my boyfriend ordering garlic spaghetti. I blush. FIL is sweet. My parents are very supportive and talk me through the whole process. At this point we do blood tests to rule out Tay-Sachs incompatibility.
Explanation:
If all continues to progress, the sixth or seventh date will be proposal time. If either party feels they need more time, or are unsure if this is it, the shadchan will be notified and will relay this info to the other party with as much tact as possible. Ideal shadchanim are kind, thoughtful, tactful, reachable, and responsible.
My thoughts:
If he would propose today, I would say yes. I feel that I know everything that I need to know. I feel confident that I making this decision with my head and not just my heart. Thank you, Hashem (God)! I am so grateful! Thank you for sending me such an amazing guy, with no effort on my part! You are so good to me. May this be good, may this be right, may I only know happiness. And if it’s not right for me, won’t you kindly alert me soon?
July, 1993. NY/Cleveland.
Three dates later, he proposes at Medici’s in Manhattan. I am glowing, I am ecstatic, I can’t believe it. We have to keep it a secret because his grandparents are on a cruise and we don’t want to announce it without them here. We’ll tell hand-picked family members only. My grandparents have tears in their eyes. They love him. I am popping with joy. A week later, we arrive in Cleveland, announce our engagement, and schedule a vort (engagement party), which the entire city attends. Delighted comments range from “I had no idea!” to “I should’ve thought of this one!” to “I thought of this idea, but you were in Israel/I didn’t think you were dating yet/you guys beat me to it” to “Mazel tov! May you build a wonderful Jewish home!” It’s wonderful and my cheeks ache from smiling. We set the wedding date for three months hence – October 18.
Explanation:
No touching = short engagements. Can’t say the David’s Bridal peeps were too keen on this. (“October 1994?” “No, October 1993.” “OCTOBER 1993?? That’s very soon, ma’am.”) However, all the Ortho-folk involved in this shindig are totally used to this (the caterer, the Italian hall owners, musicians, photographers, and flower people).
My thoughts:
I’m so excited! I’m so lucky! This is serious. I have to start learning about marriage. I’m so excited!
August-September 1993. Cleveland.
We arrange for a local Jewish rebbetzin to teach me about a Jewish marriage. This includes all the mikveh laws. I read lots of books and take classes on communication, the holiness of marriage, and the spirituality in building a family. I feel very entrusted with millennia of sacred texts and learning. The “Koval guy” has returned to Israel to continue yeshiva study, much to my chagrin and pride. We talk once a week on the phone as he stands on his friend’s balcony in Israel with a cordless. It’s noisy and hard to hear him. It has to suffice. I am so happy knowing that he, too, is taking many classes on marriage and how to be a good husband. I pray a lot, in gratitude and supplication for our future. I turn 19 in August and my birthday is celebrated with my fiance and his family, as well as mine.
My thoughts:
This is crazy! Is this me?? Getting married?? Am I playing house? Hashem, please let this be good. Please let me deserve this. Please let me know how to be a good wife and him to be a good husband. Let us be healthy and happy and build a wonderful family together, kind, spiritual, loving. This is crazy!
October 18, 1993. La Malfa, Mentor, Ohio.
Marty La Malfa joins hundreds of guests in our special day!
And… how did you meet?
Awww I have tears in my eyes reading this!!!! It's such a sweet story. Thank you for sharing!
As for us, neither of us were frum at the time…. we had both been dating others. I was staying at a friend's house a night before a convention (for future Reform Rabbis and educators) that the three of us were attending. Adam was also friends with Dan and drove from Chicago to his parents' house in Wisconsin the next day to be a spare driver because we needed to pick up people at the airport (Dan lived closest to the convention which took place at a Reform camp in Wisconsin). So we met in Dan's driveway, but beforehand Dan made it clear that he thought we'd get along well. Adam had just ended a relationship and I was currently happily dating someone else. But we got to know each other well at the convention and by the time it was over I called the guy I was dating and told him in no uncertain terms that I met my future husband that week and I was sorry we couldn't continue dating. We had a long distance relationship for 3 years while we finished college in Boston and Wisconsin and visited each other on every school break. We both had transfer apps to the other school but neither of us filled them out—- we each loved our school and handled the long distance ok. For grad school we applied to the same 3 schools agreeing that whichever school accepted us both is where we'll live. A school in Los Angeles won and we ended up in Los Angeles for the next 9 years. We became frum there, married there, and the first frum wedding we attended was our own!
Excellent description of what people ask me about all the time. I'll forward all over the place! And, of course, a lovely story 🙂
Ruchi, entertaining as usual.
Just a side point for those unfamiliar with the shidduch process, may i point out that there isn't any specified number of dates, it's a matter of when both parties are ready. my husband and I, both FFBs, got engaged on the 9th date, though i was ready on the 7th!
when i explain it to people who are unfamiliar, it's very simple- we did a massive background check to his friends and family, i asked my Rabbi from seminary who asked his Rabbi from yeshiva, got great reports from all. so my dating was about seeing if we were on the same page in values, if there's attraction on both sides, and if we enjoyed each others company.
one side point, is that my husband was the first boy i'd ever dated (i was my husband's second) and after the fifth date, i told my father that it did occur to me that i've never seen what else is out there. he offered that we put it on hold and date someone else who was available. i thought about it for about a second and i said, no, i don't want to risk losing a good guy. it was one of the easiest decisions i've ever made!
I loved reading this!! Wonderful. It's inspired me to write a blog post on my own blog about how we met!
I LOVE this! What a thorough and yet entertaining and touching account of your meeting! Like Mommy-in-Law, I'm going to do a blog post on how I met my husband!
What a fantastic post.
Great post! I love posts that are life stories like this. 🙂
I enjoy this blog, and I'm a secular/Reform/casual Jew. My comment, meant respectfully and out of genuine curiosity, is this: It has been very important for me, both for my marriage and previous relationships, to know how to argue with my partner, to be able to see whether we are people who "fight nicely" and are emotionally compatible during times of stress and/or disagreement, and it turns out that with some previous relationships the style of arguing just was not compatible and would have made me miserable in the long term. How do you assess this over just several dates? Or how does the marriage hold up once the partners see each other in less-than-rosy moments?
Thanks everyone!
SBW, that is an excellent point, and thanks for raising it.
Girls (and guys for that matter) are taught that character is the most important thing to look for. That means dating is viewed as an opportunity to observe the other party in many situations, as I mentioned above: how he treats others, does he drive respectfully, how does he talk about others. If two people with good character marry, and have learned well prior to marriage, and are continually working on their character, which is part of life-long Jewish learning, it will be OK no matter what the fighting styles are. That said, I'm not living in dream world. Yes, sometimes there are problems. The first year of marriage is termed "shana rishona" – literally, "first year" and is known as the year that bride and groom are to work on their relationship. Hopefully if they have had good teachers along the way, they will have somewhere to turn for good advice if there's a problem. (While parents might have good advice, they tend to overreact when there are issues in a marriage, which is why a neutral third party is preferable.)
Marriage workshops are very common in the Orthodox community too – classes, lectures on just these topics – kind of like "ongoing education courses." And they are very necessary.
Welcome to OOTOB!
Ruchi, this made me all giddy. Thanks for sharing!
They way you described, I felt like I was on journey with you both! Thanks for posting. Beautiful
What a lovely story! I am Catholic, but I have had a lot of Jewish friends throughout my life, so some of the terms were familiar to me.
I really enjoyed the ritual of your dating process, as well as your enthusiasm for the way that things work in your world. It's rare for young people to appreciate "the way it's been" and what has worked for ages. I still hold dear a lot of what I learned growing up in an Italian Catholic family, and though others often thought of me as a "goody two shoes," I loved my heritage and my faith.
Thanks for sharing your story! And by the way, we share a wedding date (though I was married years later).
Thanks Robin, anon, and Sproutingdaisies! Love the feedback. Sproutingdaisies, welcome to the blog! It's heartwarming for me to hear of the warmth and love for the faith of your family. I agree with you: this is rare. And how ironic – that we share a wedding date! What number anniversary for you?
I loved reading about your experience! Thank you for sharing. My story is very different. As a teen, my husband had a weekend job working in a Christmas tree lot. My family went there to buy a tree. We noticed each other, then later met near the library after school and started dating. Who would have guessed that 40 years later we would have grandchildren who are being raised to love Torah?
Anonymous, sounds like you have a pretty compelling story yourself!
Such a lovely story! I love happy endings, especially the ones that end with 7 children!
Do you want to know how my husband and I met? Like you, I also blogged about it:
http://miriyummy.wordpress.com/2010/07/14/barge-pole/
I can't believe I missed this one! Best blog post yet (can you see me crying?)!
I feel blessed too, because I am the lucky benefactor of this shiddach, Thanks Hashem!
Miriyummy, love your story! And Wendy…I was crying too 🙂
wow, ruchi – what a meritoriously short and sweet journey. The first guy you were ever set up with and you already knew the family. wow!
SBW: as a mother now in the shidduch process for my children, I can tell you that research is a very important part of this process for this very reason. One of the key questions I ask of former roommates and friends of prospective dates is if they've ever seen him angry [I hope the answer actually is yes, because otherwise either the guy isn't human or else they're covering up for him) and how he reacts to criticism. If I'm not happy with the answers I get, he's weeded out and the two don't even meet.