Hi everyone! I’m back. Kind of.
It’s been two full years since I started blogging. My first year was pretty much about “this is what my life is like, as an Orthodox woman, and here’s why I do the things I do. Welcome to my world. Are there any questions?” My second year was mostly about, “Here are the things I ponder and muse as an Orthodox woman. What do you think about that?” And here I approach my third year, and the following comes to mind:
THING THING What is that thing?
THING SING That thing can sing!
SONG LONG A long, long song.
Good-by, Thing. You sing too long.
Thanks, Dr. Seuss. Which has long been my mantra: stop before they’re tired of you.
But there’s more.
It seems that by putting myself out there as this happy, fulfilled, serene (most of the time) Orthodox woman, I have also set up a de facto “in defense of Orthodoxy” blog. And the greatest and most interesting irony of it all is that in many cases, the closer someone is to Orthodox Judaism, they more I feel that way on the blog – that my practice of my faith is on trial. Which has led to all kinds of incredible discussions on the blog: rich, deep, intelligent, caring, feeling discussions.
It has also led to me feeling wiped out.
At the risk of sounding petulant, I say this: I don’t WANT to defend religion so much here on OOTOB. So you might say, too bad. You set yourself up for this. Do you really think you are going to just emote or intellectualize about your life without tough questions? But truthfully, I don’t MIND tough questions. I like them. They’ve challenged me to find ever greater answers. The interesting part of this blog – and the fulfilling part, since it’s not all about what’s “interesting” – derives exactly from the friction here. But the exhaustion is not coming from there. It’s coming from the emotionality of it, sometimes, and the self-editing I find myself doing to avoid it. The emotionality that I and I alone (ridiculous, of course) am on the witness stand, defending Judaism with my formal education that ended 20 years ago (continuing education and being married to a rabbi notwithstanding). Questions that are simply curious do not exhaust me.
So I say this: I don’t have all the answers. Is that OK? Sometimes here on this blog, I will simply say “I don’t know” and it will be OK. And it will not be me conceding that therefore God does not exist, or does not care quite as much as I think He does, or that my practice of my faith is baseless, or any other host of issues we’ve covered here. It means that my inability to refute every challenge due to time constraints, my limited resources and brainpower, and my desire not to let this blog eclipse my life is in no way a blight on my faith or practice thereof.
I will still continue to publish comments that wipe me out, and they in no way signify my agreement or endorsement. I may alter the nature of my posts, but I might hate myself if I do 🙂 Who knows?
So I think I’ll continue on this crazy journey with a bit of self-protection. Let’s see what happens. Thanks for sticking with me.
Wisdom is knowing when to say you don't know the answer. SO excited to see you back in the blogosphere, and looking forward to reading future posts. And just so you know, the vast majority of readers don't expect you to answer every single comment with 100% assuredness. Ironically, it's only the ones who will never agree with you who expect that. Just a thought.
Welcome back!
Thanks Elad, for the encouragement!
I would respectfully submit that if you keep posting about whatever YOU think is cool, or interesting, or caught your fancy; and if you also solicit questions and sometimes take a comment from the peanut gallery (meaning the comments section) and throw that into a post of it's own…
That if you do that, this will continue to be a really neat place to come and hang out.
No apologies needed, no defense. Because as the adage goes, one fool can ask more than seven wise men (or women) can answer. And we both know which side of THAT fence I tend to stand on!
Welcome back.
Thank you ET!
Fantastic post, Ruchi!! Thrilled to witness the journey of the blog. And I'm all for self-protection here.
I appreciate you Sindy!
It's definitely emotionally exhausting to feel you have to defend something you care deeply about — especially in a public forum where you might be concerned that comments could spread misunderstandings about the subject.
Your blog is so appealing in part because you don't give pat answers that would only convince someone who already agreed with you. "I don't know" is perfectly acceptable except to people who desperately need answers (and those pushing an agenda of their own, but they would never be satisfied with any response other than "you're right"). And when you don't know an answer, you simply can't provide it no matter how desperately someone needs it. All you can do is try to direct the person to someone who might be able to answer. I find it much more convincing when an obviously intelligent person acknowledges intellectual difficulties than when someone refuses to admit that there could be any.
It's not clear to me how you plan to change the blog, but I'm glad you're back.
You're always insightful, DG. It's not clear to me either how I plan to change it 🙂
welcome back!! You can always decide, with particular posts, to close it off to comments— that way you can say what you want to say without getting endlessly questioned. I DEFINITELY think it's okay for a working mother of 7 to feel exhausted by the enormity of blogging and feeling like the sole defender of Orthodoxy (feel free to bring on guest bloggers so that the guests can take the hot seat once in a while too. As a fellow frummie I'm happy to guest blog, and I know many others would be too. I'd love to hear from the non frummies here too of course—– one of the reasons I love your blog is that ALL Jews hang out here— frum, non frum, we can all just get along— kumbayah. 🙂
I LOVE when someone else takes the hot seat! And I'd love a guest post from you. Jews of all stripes hanging here – that was exactly my goal.
L'Shana Tova/Happy New Year! Welcome back. I've missed you. So looking forward to blog year three!!
Thanks Heather 🙂
Ruchi – your blog is unusual. There are many, many blogs written by "serene, fulfilled Orthodox women" that do not elicit the type of comments this blog does. What's the difference between your blog and those blogs? I think it's because you are not just an Orthodox mom and teacher who has a blog; you are also a kiruv rebbetzin, and I think it would be unnatural for you NOT to be a cheerleader for Orthodoxy.
I initially felt uncomfortable commenting here because I didn't want to interfere in the mentor/mentee relationship. But you welcomed me, which I appreciate.
Hmmm that's interesting. I think I like "cheerleader" better than "defendant." Way better in fact. Thanks – it's a good way to think about it. And you are always welcome here. You bring a lot to the table.
Glad to see that OOTOB is back!
I think it's pretty clear about the kind of discussion that you are looking to foster here. You want to describe your passion, experience and views and hear from and respond to others, including good-faith (am I allowed to use that expression??) disagreements, but without you having to defend O at every turn.
I notice that you take great care to respond to everyone all the time, which I can imagine would be exhausting if you feel like you have to answer every last objection, complaint, resentment, anecdote, "gotcha" attempt, et al. I agree with DG that if you feel like you are in a shooting gallery (figuratively) or feel like there is not a constructive way to respond, "I don't know" or "I have tried to explain my view and now I am going to stop here" or "This line of discussion feels exhausted to me" or whatever are fine "last words".
It is difficult on the wide-open internet, and talking about Judaism, to get passionate AND openminded discussion going. For me the loooong thread on how Os see RJs was paradigmatic. Lots of passion, but managed with a kind of dispassion at the same time. Not an easy balance!
Thanks SBW. You know for what. Yeah, good-faith is entirely kosher. 🙂
Just the validation that the balance is a tough one goes a long way toward easing it.
Ruchi,
I get you. I feel wiped out by blogging, and my blog does not involve any major philosophical or religious issues or questions. I'm impressed that you're still doing this!
Honestly, I love to read your writing, and I really love the respectful and honest tone that the comments take. As long as you keep blogging, I'll keep reading.
Thanks, SCJ! I appreciate the validation. You've been there since way back. And FWIW, I read whenever you blog, too.
So glad to see you back! I don't think any human is expected to have answers for everything, Hey, even Rashi said at times "I just don't know". and that's ok – it doesn't make your/our orthodoxy any less "justified". That's why we call religion "faith", because at a certain point you have just to take it on faith that it's the right thing to do.
Thanks, rena.
This makes so much sense to me. And it being Elul, I would like to apologize for most likely writing comments that may have wiped you out. I think those of us who may trend towards such comments could also be more aware and more sensitive and more gentle.
After all, none of us are in our 20s with no children or families and unlimited time to devote to intellectual discussion. Those were fun times, but many of us had those discussions and are living the decisions we made at that time. If we are confident of our own choices, there is no need to get upset or emotional or defensive or attacking.
It is possible for us commentators to choose not to comment on everything. It is possible for us to think to ourselves "that's interesting, I don't agree" without needing to start up a challenge. It's possible to ask a genuine question if there is one to be asked and to refrain from simply reacting negatively. You are being generous — we do not need to be such impolite guests.
I think anyone who publicly represents their strongly held beliefs — a religious person, a political activist, a healer — does so because they have a great love for that thing which is at the center of their life. They love it so much that they have extra energy for it — enough to share with others. They are teachers who have a gift for building bridges. They are often very patient. But even such people get tired and frustrated if they are exposed to too many people who are negative toward the thing they love.
I'm glad you decided to continue the blog but I support you 100% in setting limits on how to spend your energy.
Wow. My friend and I are reading this blog posting in our office and we were are both blown away by it all. This comment is so insightful and beautifully written. Just wow.
I too was blown away by this comment, SDK. The more you write here the more I learn about you. I am so impressed.
I'm so happy to see you back! I think that when a person has had a negative experience with a Jewish community, it is difficult for them to see other people having a happy and fulfilled experience with their own. They want to tell you, or anyone else "cheerleading" for Jewish life (I like that, too!) that you are wrong, because then it validates their own experience and feelings. I feel very strongly that people must not "throw the baby out with the bathwater," meaning: One bad experience is not all of Judaism. Find the right community and stay close to G-d. Building relationships online can be a wonderful way to enhance one's Jewish life, so I truly hope that rather than try to make you defend your position constantly, readers will take notes from you and appreciate the good Judaism can do for a person. I'll be reading! 🙂
Kate
Thanks for your support and insight Kate!!
Ruchi, soooo glad to see you back! I don't comment often, but I follow "religiously" (hee, hee). You are always smart, thoughtful, generous and compassionate, and "I'm all in" for whatever form this blog takes.
Aw, I'm blushing. Thank you Ilene, for your online and IRL friendship.
Dear Ruchi, I'm really happy to see that you're back! I understand how difficult it is to run a blog like yours, and I am all the more grateful for it.
I apologize if any of my questions or comments were uncomfortable or out of place, it really was not my intention. I just want to say that I learn so much from you, and your blog has definitely changed the way I see Orthodoxy. It has also made me question many things I was taking for granted, and has made me review about the ways I speak/act/behave. Even if it has not necessarily changed those ways (though in several cases it might have subtly influenced me), it has definitely made me more conscious of those patterns.
Above all, your blog always makes me THINK. And for that I'm so grateful to you, and because of that I really hope you'll keep on blogging.
Thanks for being back, Ruchi! I have awaited your posts impatiently.
And again, as so many times before, I can simply subscribe to your words, W. if ever I made you uncomfortable, Ruchi, I apologize. Not only may we, the readers, challenge you – but you challenge us. And I am very grateful for that, as it makes me re-evaluate my values and find justifications for the way I behave or the values I believe in. Thank you for this!
I love your blog, I have learned so much from it. The many articles you have put up over the past two years are rich and meaningful. Even if you blog fewer times this year, the blog as a whole is abounding with information, honesty, and Truth. Thank you for pointing us to the Creator, and giving wisdom on living holy. I will go back and re-read things and use this as a resource. Less frequency does not bother me at all!! The L-rd will impress on your heart when/what to share. <3
W, Katharina: I will make the following blanket statement. If your questions are motivated by curiosity and a will to know more, rest assured that this is not what I'm talking about. In fact, those are the best conversations here. I am grateful for this forum to have those discussions.
Leigh, thank you for your encouraging and kind words.
Ruchi– I'm all for doing things exactly as you want, as it's YOUR blog and nobody (at least nobody reasonable) would expect you to represent all Orthodox Jews. You do such an excellent job of fostering good conversation here. On the weeks you have the energy, go for it. When you have too much else happening, take a break. It might be two posts one month, four the next, and no posts for a month after that. We are here to listen to whatever you want to say, whenever you want to say it. You've earned that and then some.
Nina 🙂
Thanks for the strong support, Nina!! You know what it's like!
This is fantastic!