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controversial observations Archives - Page 12 of 14 - Out of the Ortho Box
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Uncategorized December 29, 2011

Religious Extremism and Me

I was supposed to be on break till 2012, but I’ve pulled myself out of retirement to deal with something that’s been, quite literally, keeping me up at night and distracting me from everything I’ve been trying to concentrate on today.

Religious extremism in Bet Shemesh.

Normally, I don’t discuss bad stuff that goes on among Jews, both for lashon hara (gossip) concerns and because it’s just not my way.  I’m an “a little bit of light dispels much of the darkness” kind of girl, and I try to go about my life attempting to shine bits of light upon my world, the world of my children, that of my friends and loved ones, my community in real life, and on this blog.  And hopefully, in the larger universe as well.

But when the Bet Shemesh insanity hit international news, I knew that I had to address this issue for a positive, constructive purpose.

Allow me to go on record saying that as a Torah-observant Jew, one that some might call ultra-Orthodox (dubbed chareidi, or haredi), I am disgusted, horrified, sickened, traumatized and embarrassed by the behaviors of the thugs in Israel who are not only acting completely contrary to Torah values, but disgracing its name publicly.

—

My little boy is four years old.  In preschool, he has a sweet little program called “Social Skills.”  He brought home a little pictorial overview of what he learned in Social Skills.

“Two rules, Mommy.”  Eyes huge.  “Nice face and nice voice.”

How wise we are, at four.

In discussing the issue with my 11-year-old son, he was aghast that anyone could actually believe such actions are Torah-true.  “Ma,” he declared, “they’re doing the opposite of you.  You’re trying to help people see that Torah is beautiful, and they’re making everyone hate it.”

True, that.

—-

A Facebook friend-of-a-friend made the following pithy observation:

But
here is the catch – let’s not worship the same god as they [the thugs] are. Don’t get
angry with them, have pity and compassion on them. And hope and pray
that these people who are also our brothers and sisters are able to come
back to sanity and balance and Truth before they do any more damage to
themselves or others or before The Universe has to knock them back in to
line by force.

Want to practically make a difference? All our
people have one soul. Go work on your own ego issues for one week.
Watch where you hurt others in your life with actions or words from this
unhealthy place. Change yourself, take responsibility for yourself
especially for blaming it on the ubiquitous “them,” as if we are clean
of these very challenges ourselves. And I have no doubt that in the
merit of this and this only, we can turn these people and all of the
Jews and all of the world back to good and G-d, speedily in our days.
Amen.

An ultra-Orthodox rabbi, Rabbi Yaakov Horowitz of Monsey, NY put out a public statement denouncing these awful behaviors, as did the Chassidic Belzer Rebbe and the Agudath Israel of America.  This is all good.

A family friend living in Israel emailed the following:

Twelve years ago when we lived here, I learned [studied Torah] with Reb Noach
Weinberg [of Aish Hatorah] in his office. He took me out on his mirpeset [balcony] where, looking
down at the Kotel Plaza, we saw two groups of protestors.  A Conservative
group demanding women’s rights at the Kotel.  The other, a Chasidishe [Chassidic] group
yelling and fighting.  Reb Noach, z”l [of blessed memory], turned to me and asked: What’s your take on
this?
I was giving a pilpul [Talmudic-style dialectic] on the pros and cons of each group’s actions. He
interrupted by saying… “Do you know what I DON’T see? I DON’T see a tear! Not a sigh.
Just fighting for the rights of zealotry.”

 —-

Around the corner from me lives a family that looks, on the outside, very similar to the thugs.  Fur hats, curly peyos (sidelocks), Chassidic garb.  This family takes my breath away with its love for all Jews.  All Jews, of all stripes, backgrounds, and degrees of socio-economic success, are literally welcomed into their home with a huge smile and a hug.

Yeah, a bear hug.

This past week I was driving carpool and my neighbor’s son had missed the bus.  I took him home, only to find that no one was in at his house.  He assured me that he was supposed to go to this Chassidic family down the block if his parents weren’t home, to be “babysitted.”

Upon corroborating this interesting tidbit, I dropped him off at the love-for-all-Jews abode and watched carefully as he entered the home as one would his own: without knocking and without preamble.  To say that this family puts my unconditional love for my fellow Jew, and my hospitality, to shame, is an embarrassing understatement.  This is a family of role models.  This is the ultra-Orthodoxy I am honored and proud to be associated with.  It would be seriously incorrect to say that “their home is open to everyone” – it simply belongs to everyone.

Can I say the same about myself?

—-

Where does all this leave me?  Insomniatic, distracted, disturbed.  I’ve written my letters to the New York Times and Israeli press.  I’ve sent a Facebook message to the mother of one of the victims, expressing my solidarity and disgust.  I’ve wondered about the perps: who are they really?  Who are their mothers, wives, sisters, and children?  Do they sleep well at night?  I’ve worked through my emotions, trying not to hate the haters.  I’ve searched my heart to examine if any traces of the personality defects of the thugs, such as ego and anger, need to be worked on in myself.

I am encouraged by those who recognize not to torch all Chareidim (ultra-Orthodox) by the fire of these thugs.  Their moderate responses are incredibly heartwarming.  I am warmed by my community here in Cleveland, where so many different types live near one another with respect.  I pray that this post be a step towards the solution.

And in my prayers this morning, I had extra passion during the prayer for peace.

Oseh shalom b’mromav, hu yaaseh shalom aleinu, v’al kol Yisrael, v’imru… Amen.
May He who creates peace in the heavenly spheres, create peace upon us, and upon all of Israel… may it, indeed, be so.

Uncategorized December 20, 2011

Please Don’t Judge Me For Not Being Orthodox Anymore

Two weeks ago, I published a post entitled: The 5 Things I Wish All Orthodox Person Knew.  It went viral (well, for me) and hit 2000 views in 5 days – which totally took me by surprise!

One of the points I made was that Orthodox people should know that there is no insularity or privacy anymore, and that sometimes people who used to be Orthodox will post negative experiences that they have had, as will journalists, bloggers, etc. – that nothing we do is private, and that one should have a healthy respect and awareness for this phenomenon.

Ususally, when I receive an Anonymous comment, I get a pit in my stomach as I open the email, because Anonymous comments on a blog like this are often trolls/angry people/negative commenters.

Yet, this one was not, and here’s what Anonymous said:

“This is one of your best posts.

Also, Ruchi, when you think
critically of us “angry former Ortho-folk” try to imagine how you might
have ended up not only without the benefit of the three influences you
listed, but with all the drawbacks of the opposite influences.

It’s
wonderful to imagine that you would have come out unscathed, that you
would never look like us, but we all imagined that kind of stuff until
we got here too :)”

See my reply there, in the comments section, where I promised Anonymous a response.


And here it is.


Dear Anonymous,

Firstly, thank you for your kind words.  I always appreciate positive feedback about this forum.  I spend a lot of time obsessing about this blog ad nauseum thinking about this blog, so the idea that others are benefiting is absolutely what keeps it going.

Secondly, while I am not thinking critically of AFOF (angry former Ortho-folk), I AM thinking critically of those who believe that it is their right or mandate to publicly spread negative information about any other group of humankind.

I just read an article this week about a former skinhead, Tom Leyden, who now works with the Simon Weisenthal Center. He decries Jews who blast other kinds of Jews online, saying “neo-Nazis don’t care what kind of Jew you are” – and points out that bigots and supremacists use just such sites to collect ammo against Jews.  Chilling: a skinhead has to remind us not to blast negativity about one another online.

That said, I turn to the end of your comment: that my experience was blessed, even charmed; that minus my charmed upbringing, there but for the grace of God go I.

True.

I speak often of judging, and I believe that humans can’t be judged, but actions and philosophies must be judged.  I look at you, Anonymous, as a whole person.  I don’t know if you are one of those folks who spreads bad stuff online.  If you are, I fully disapprove of the practice.  It is one of the awful-est things out there.  But in any event, I know I cannot judge you.  I can’t judge your pain; can’t judge your decision to leave Orthodoxy (and maybe subsequently re-embrace it, your own way?); can’t judge any experience that you had or temptation that you endured or agony that you lived through or disillusionment that you suffered.  Because any way you slice it, it’s rarely about walking away from Orthodoxy to eat a cheeseburger.  The journey is fraught with pain, disappointment and estrangement.

I think.  What do I know?

What I DO want the world to know, and is a huge reason I started this blog, is that there are many, many Orthodox Jews who are happily living the life; who had positive experiences growing up and positive experiences with their parents; who are wonderful human beings; who love God and are in healthy marriages and are raising well-adjusted kids; who try to do good things and acts of kindness and pray for others.  They don’t make a lot of noise, and the world may be oblivious to them, but I’d like that to end.  I’d like for the world to sit up and take notice.

And, Anonymous, I don’t know if this will make you feel loved or annoyed, but they are praying for your well-being too…

As this post touches on sensitive issues, I’d like to remind my readers that comments that are angry, snide or negative will not be published.

Uncategorized December 11, 2011

Non Encounter at a Bris

The Scene:  Bris of Greenstein Family.  Orthodox synagogue.

In attendance: the Greenstein’s Orthodox friends, non-Orthodox friends and relatives of both persuasions.

The service is about to begin.  Friends and relatives file in to the main lobby.

Enter stage left – Karla Greenstein, a first cousin of Melinda (the baby’s mom).  Karla is a 37-year-old mom and reading intervention specialist.  She is excited to be at the simcha, but insecure in her choice of outfit and quite intimidated about entering an Orthodox synagogue (for the first time).

Enter stage right – Chava Leah Kohn, 31 years old, mom, reading intervention specialist, and friend of Melinda’s. Orthodox born and bred, Chava Leah has had limited interactions with non-Orthodox Jews and is nervous about what to say if someone will ask her a question about Orthodoxy that she can’t answer.

Karla sees Chava Leah across the room.

Karla’s stream of consciousness:

omg i’m wearing the wrong thing i knew i would be wearing the wrong thing.  i wore a dress, but no one said it had to be BLACK and SO LONG obviously the leggings aren’t quite the new skirt just yet oy why is she looking at me like that where do i stand?  are men and women supposed to be separate or something oh no look those orthodox are all mingling and socializing ok i guess its ok.  phew.  should i ask that woman where to go she’s obviously in the know oh no i would look too stupid what if i say something to offend her oh this is very stressful i gotta find somewhere to put this gift where’s the table for gifts oh there’s melinda lemme go say hi

Chava Leah sees Karla across the room. 


Chava Leah’s stream of consciousness:

oh that woman looks a little lost and confused i should really go over to her and ask her if she needs help no that would look stupid who am i to be like the hall monitor no can’t do that but don’t want to leave her hanging either so nice how she’s wearing a dress to be respectful wow i should really go introduce myself and be a mensch no i’m much too shy what will i say what if she asks me something and i don’t know how to answer i’ll feel like such a fool she’s so cute her outfit’s really cute i wonder if i look so out of style in my clothes does she think i’m like totally out of date come on just go over and say hi what’s the big deal no i can’t it’s too weird oh she’s leaving oh there’s melinda

Chava Leah approaches Melinda just as Karla leaves.

They exchange brief smiles.

Karla exits stage right.

Chava Leah exits stage left.


Curtains.

Uncategorized December 8, 2011

Fishplating

Once upon a time, there was a shul Kiddush.  And at this shul Kiddush were both Orthodox
Jews and non-Orthodox Jews.  Included on
the Kiddush buffet were gefilte fish, cholent, salads, crackers and dips.  Yes, it was a very wonderful Kiddush.
Some of the Jews at the Kiddush had learned of the custom not to eat fish and meat together. 
Others had not.  The wise Rabbi
had not taught it, since it was a custom, and many people at the shul were
driving to shul on Shabbos and eating cheeseburgers and other more obvious
non-Orthodox habits of the sort. 
Therefore, he was very selective about which points of Jewish law he
chose to share, so as not to overburden or embarrass his constituents.
One of these Jews, unschooled in the meaning of kosher
altogether, took his fishy plate and proceeded to load up on delicious,
steaming cholent.  Another Jew, aware of
the issue, but not quite as sensitive as the Rabbi, and with truly sincere and
good intentions, maybe, honed in on said Jew and proceeded to inform him that
he must use a new plate for the cholent, as the original plate was fishy and
therefore violated the fish/meat combo custom.
The wise Rabbi, observing the debacle from afar, shook his
head in dismay.
And thus was the term “fishplating” born.
Uncategorized December 1, 2011

Do Women Want to Be in the Kitchen?

Freshly arrived back in Cleveland, I was 25 and revved to go.  With my husband newly installed as a rabbi and educator, I set forth to create programs and classes to complement his work.

Ever mindful of the “barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen” thing, I (pregnant with #4) doggedly kept my shoes on and avoided any kitchen-talk like the plague.

I created book clubs, organized talks on relationships, and offered philosophy.

And people asked for challah baking, recipes, and Kosher kitchen tips.

Did the Food Network make the kitchen trendy? In a radical pendulum-swing, did people who liked the kitchen make the Food Network trendy?  *scratches head in confusion*

Just let me know when I can kick off my shoes.

Uncategorized November 25, 2011

Black Friday

“He who has 100, wants 200” (Ecclesiastes*).
*Yes, that’s part of the Old Testament.
Q. 100 what?? Dollars? Gadgets? Jelly Bellies?
A. Yes.
Proof: Black Friday.
Shabbat Shalom.
Uncategorized November 21, 2011

What I’m Thinking When The Orthodox Make Headlines

A very thoughtful reader, alias “Should Be Working,” a self-described Reform Jew, posted the following incredibly respectful thought on my blog last week about The Danger of Being Orthodox.

“I want to take a risk here and ask a question in ‘outsider mode’, since I’m an outsider to Orthodox Judaism. This blog is one of the very few experiences I’ve had of feeling (not just seeing) the ‘inside’ of your Orthodox lives (in all the variations I’ve learned about here, thanks for all that insight into the differences), and also seen that warmth and caring and humility.

So my risky question is what it feels like from the ‘inside’ of Orthodoxy when you read about Orthodox Jews doing things that do not reflect love and joy with respect to those not in their communities–for instance in Jerusalem Orthodox Jews have spit on Christian clergy. Joy and love for one’s ‘own’ is a beautiful and admirable thing, but when you read ‘bad news’ or at least unflattering news, does it make you wish that other Orthodox people would behave more civilly and respectfully to ‘outsiders’? Does it make you feel like those people are wrong and the exception, or that they are just misunderstood, or that they have failed in responsibilities to what someone (Larry?) recently here described (don’t have the Hebrew term in my head) as representing the Jewish people in a positive light?

Such news reports, to be honest, do alienate me from Orthodox Judaism, but I want to hear from this thoughtful, positive-minded group what you think about such acts. I am, again, asking this with respect, and especially for Ruchi in creating this blog–because I can’t think of any other venue where I could actually ask Orthodox Jews how they view such incidents. (I suppose I could show up at Chabad or something and ask there, but the openness I’ve seen on this blog makes asking the question here easier.) “

A few of my other readers gave some good responses, and I’d like to add a fuller treatment of the question: it’s an important one.  Before I answer the actual question, though, I need to put forth a few general concepts.

DON’T JUDGE JUDAISM BY THE JEWS: OH, YES YOU SHOULD

The first thing that most Orthodox Jews will tell you  is, “Don’t judge Judaism by the Jews.”  This is a cute line, and a nice way to sidestep our co-denominationalists’ disgusting behavior, but it’s just not satisfactory.  Can you say “don’t judge New York by New Yorkers”?  Don’t judge Islam by Muslims?  Don’t judge yoga by yogis?  If, indeed, the system is an appropriate one, and a functional one, shouldn’t you, indeed, be able to judge Judaism by Jews??  That’s just not good enough, while true.  To some degree, you can’t judge ALL of New York by SOME New Yorkers… but to completely sidestep that degree of accountability simply doesn’t sit right with me.  (I credit Rabbi Avraham Edelstein of Moreshet with clarity here.)

Therefore, we have to be able to judge Orthodoxy by MOST of the Orthodox. 

ISRAEL IS A PLANET ALL ITS OWN

Item number two on the list: have you noticed that the vast majority of ugly news (Orthodox and non-Orthodox alike) comes out of Israel?  Why is this so?  Why is life there so fraught, so tense, so violent, so very, very on the edge of normal, polite behavior??  I just came back, and I lived there for five years, and oh, I love it so, but to be honest… it’s one of the reasons I simply could not live there.  Is it that Jews in Israel have to fight so hard, sweat so much, sacrifice so often, that simple manners become a luxury?  Is it that separation of church and state is a laughable Alice-in-Wonderland dreamworld there?  Is it that people live in such close proximity that “live-and-let-live” is for wimps?  Is it that Jerusalem has always been a place full of tension, a test of peace?  I don’t know, but it’s sad, and bad.  I don’t want to speak lashon hara (gossip) about the Land, my Land, the only Land I capitalize in respect and love, but man… it’s a tough place.

LASHON HARA

On the subject of lashon hara (gossip), it is important to distinguish between news, gossip, and opinion.  News is information that the public needs to know for a constructive purpose.  Gossip is information that the public does NOT need to know for a constructive purpose, but rather it’s to entertain or denigrate.  Opinion that is respectfully worded and deals with ideas is great.  Opinion that is personal and vindictive is lashon hara.  Not everything that is thought ought to be spoken; not everything that is spoken ought to be written; and not everything that is written ought to be published (Rabbi Y. Salanter).  I leave it to you, reader, to sort your reading material into its various categories.

THE TORAH IS PERFECT; PEOPLE ARE NOT

This is my updated version of “don’t judge Judaism by the Jews.”  Instead of having Judaism and Jews live in silos, I view the Torah as the ultimately perfect ideal.  Everything in the Torah is beautiful and perfect.  No, that doesn’t always mean it all jives with the secular values of 2011, but it oughtn’t, because those will change.  Torah is immutable.  And I know some of you, my dear readers, interpret this in different ways, and I’m glad to discuss that one day.  But here’s my point:

To the extent that a person lives according to the Torah’s instructions, will his actions be beautiful, admirable, and noteworthy.

This, of course, transcends denomination.  It’s directly proportional.  This means if a person doesn’t even know he is Jewish, but is not a gossiper, that person is living in accordance with Torah teaching in this area of his life, and this area of his life will be beautiful and special.  If a person gives tzedaka (charity) – his actions in this area are beautiful.  If a person observes Shabbat, accepts suffering with serenity and faith, smiles at a stranger on the street, bends down to retrieve someone else’s trash, prays for clarity instead of getting angry… these are all ways to behave in accordance with the Torah.

Which means that when a person behaves in way that is ugly, illegal, rude, embarrassing, or hurtful, he is NOT acting according to the Torah in that area of his life.  He may be acting according to the Torah in OTHER areas of his life (Shabbat, kosher), so those parts of his life are beautiful, but the icky stuff is in trangression of Torah.

As well, the obvious Orthodoxy in the garb and external observance just complicates the issue, because now the bad behavior is not just in direct contradiction to Torah, but makes it seem as though “Orthodoxy” sanctions the bad behavior.  Double ick!

In short, when Orthodox people behave badly, that bad behavior is CONTRARY to Torah.  He’s acting that way despite his “Orthodoxy.”  If many Orthodox Jews (however you quantify that) act that way, you have a bad trend that must be addressed from the leadership.  On that note I will tell you that every lecture I attend and nearly every article I read in the “very Orthodox” circles are focused on how Orthodox people should and can improve themselves.  Introspection and upgrading our behavior, ESPECIALLY in the areas of interpersonal relationships (yes, with outsiders too) are at the top of the list.  In fact, the most Orthodox rabbi in the world (my designation), Rabbi AL Shteinman, may he live and be well, has said this publicly many, many times: always seek to upgrade your behaviors with other people.

WHAT’S IN MY MIND WHEN BAD NEWS HITS?

Therefore, with all this information, here’s the chronology of my thoughts when bad news about the Ortho-Jews hits.

1. Denial
It’s not true.  It didn’t really happen.  That’s insane.  How could anyone seriously act that way??  OK, maybe it happened, but probably no one read it except for me.  How could anyone find this stuff??  The web is so big; maybe it got buried.

2. Anger
Anonymous (or not) Orthodox person, how could you do this to me???  To God?? Do you know how hard I try to be a good ambassador for Judaism?  Do you know how large is the gap that exists between fellow Jews??  Why are you making it worse, harder?  Don’t you  THINK before you ACT??  Journalist: why?  Why are you writing this?  Is this to denigrate, to sensationalize?  Are you happy you got people to smirk about how the supposedly-holier-than-thou Jews are finally revealed for what they really are: a bunch of no-goodniks?  ARRRR!

3. Bargaining
Let’s say this disgusting behavior really did happen.  It’s a crazy fringe group.  No one really takes them seriously.  You can’t possibly find any Rabbi who would sanction this.  None of this is in the Torah.  Torah is perfect.  There are so many Orthodox folks doing good; don’t they outweigh a few crazies?  Sure, their customs might be unfamiliar, their dress a bit different, their culture slightly divergent… so what?  I just have to work harder, blog faster, try harder to teach my kids that God wants us to behave with love, respect, and joy to all human beings… oy. 

4. Depression
I can’t.  Can’t read this stuff anymore.  Maybe I need to crawl under a rock and not read the news and DEFINITELY not read any blogs and unfollow a whole slew of people on Twitter.  I pretend I have such a thick skin, but I guess I’m kind of sensitive after all… It’s so upsetting, to try so hard, to know so well what Torah living is about, to shout from the rooftops how beautiful it can be… just to be thwarted by a bunch of bizarre crazies who make headlines and journalists who are gloating over the mound of charred hopes.  I go through my day like an automaton… have no zip…

5. Acceptance
“The work is not yours to finish; neither are you free to completely shirk it” (Ethics of the Fathers 2:21).  There will always be those, have always been those, that are a chillul hashem (disgrace to God’s Name with their bad behavior).  There is no way I’m going to change that.  What I can do, must do, is be a kiddush Hashem (elevation of God’s name with good behavior).  I can only do what is humanly possible.  I need to know enough to be productive, and that’s it.  I need to introspect and make sure no trace of bad behavior infects me.  I need to keep doing what I’m doing, reaching, teaching, learning, growing, parenting responsibly.  I need to to take things both more and less personally. 

“A little bit of light dispels a lot of darkness” (Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liadi).

Yes, readers.  These are, not coincidentally, the five stages of grief.  This is how I feel when I hear that an Orthodox person has publicly and badly failed in being a good Jew.  I grieve the Torah that was transgressed, I mourn the kiddush Hashem that was lost to us, and I wistfully miss the feeling that us Jews can indeed, be one family.  It’s hard to grieve so much.  But I care that much.  I love us that hard.  And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Thanks for reading.