controversial observations Archives - Page 14 of 14

Uncategorized August 22, 2011

The Decision Every Woman Must Make

Okay, it’s not “what to wear.”

But it is related.

Every woman that I know has boundaries around what she will allow herself to wear. Some things are just too low-cut, too tight, too skimpy, or too provocative. At the same time, every woman wants to look and feel pretty, cute, and attractive.

This creates problems. Because wherever you draw your line, chances are there are some clothes that will come awfully close to your boundary on either side – either it makes you look great, but it might be over the line, or it’s within your line, but doesn’t make you look as great as you feel you could look.

Welcome to the world of tzniyus.

The word “tzniyus” (TZNEE-yus), also pronounced “tzniyut” (tznee-OOT), is often mistranslated. It’s a very positive character trait, and is a combination of dignity, privacy, and self-respect. Not oversharing. No TMI. Boundaries. You may hear it translated as “modesty” which is only one aspect of this trait. It applies to men and women in different ways and impacts every facet of reality, including, but not limited to, speech, thought, comportment, dress, and attitude.

When a woman in particular tries to incorporate tzniyus into her dress, she may find herself struggling with what looks good, but not too provocative. This is very tough, because every woman has an individual sense of style, which is a good thing, and because the fashion world around us is so weird and capricious and markets women in incredibly stupid ways.

This is something I think about a lot.

On the one hand, I follow halacha [Jewish law], and it’s my Bible. So tzniyus means skirts only, and covering my knee or longer. It means tops will always cover my collar bone, and it means my arms will be covered till at least the elbow. I’m proud that I dress this way. I am indentifiable as an observant Jew and I feel self-respect towards my body. But there are so many other dragons to slay.

How tight? How bright? How head-turning? What am I trying to communicate about myself? Am I succeeding? I’m not immune to fashion; are you? As the styles change, do my values? Are pointy shoes really weird or do I just think they’re weird because I haven’t seen them enough? Will pop culture change how I view my body image? Is it better to look like everyone else, or is it important or healthy for me to be different?

Do you struggle with this, fellow females? Where are your boundaries? How do you deal?

Uncategorized August 18, 2011

If “Orthodox” is Offensive, What About “Non-Orthodox”?

A friend of mine emailed me this:

Hi Ruchi,

I really wanted to talk to you in person but everything is so busy (which is all good).

…I don’t like being called “secular” or “non-observant.” To me, Orthodox means you keep kosher, the laws of family purity [mikveh], and Shabbos, which I know is simplified. The word “Orthodox” to me is not as offensive as the word “non-observant” which isn’t totally true. My Reform and Conservative Jewish friends (classified by their shuls) practice Judaism in their own way. Maybe it is not okay to pick and choose but any of them make a contribution to the general society and to the Jewish community. I see frum [observant] Jews upset with other frum Jews that are different from them. I feel if you are not accepting, you are judging people, and that is wrong. That is why I don’t like the word “non-observant” or “secular.” I totally agree with your blog. I just wanted you to understand that putting anyone in a box is not good. The outreach groups [JFX, JLC, Aish, Chabad] have totally brought all Jews together. So thank you! What a Mitzvah.

… It seems like when I was in Israel everyone was going on their own journey. Some sheitels [wigs] and some scarves, some curly peyos [sidelocks] and some not. Some wear kippahs and keep kosher and some just keep kosher. …But I realize there is tension between frum and secular.

…Everyone makes their own contribution. It hurts me that Jews don’t get along. Can’t we all just get along?? I do believe there are Jews that don’t observe anything. This hurts me very much. Maybe if I must in a “box” I should be “traditional” but I really don’t mind being called Conservative because I conserve what I can, and outreach groups have helped me not stay still but strive to do more.

Would you agree with my friend’s assessment?

If you are not Orthodox, is there a name for you? Are “non-Orthodox,” “secular,” or “non-observant” offensive?

Uncategorized August 17, 2011

Hypocrites

This post is inspired by Renee of Dr. Fried’s office!

So yesterday my son had an orthodontist appointment. Which means that Renee asked me about 50,000 questions about Judaism. And she made a comment that really made me sad.

She said that some of her friends feel that Orthodox people are hypocrites.

I asked her what she means and she mentioned an example (I don’t want to get specific due to the rules of lashon hara – gossip) where Orthodox people had done something wrong.

She said she thinks people expect Orthodox people to be “better than that,” to be an example. Or at least that if they consider themselves to be “better than other people” they ought to at least live up to that notion.

This is problematic both logically and morally.

1. A hypocrite is someone who preaches one thing, and behaves in a way that is different from what he preaches. Not all Orthodox people are preachers. If a rabbi misbehaves, or a teacher of Torah, OK – that’s hypocritical.

2. Otherwise, this is called being “inconsistent.” All humans are inconsistent. Does anyone ALWAYS speak kindly? Act morally? Eat healthfully? Of course not. Some people gossip but eat kosher, others refuse to gossip while sitting at a non-kosher restaurant. Both of these are inconsistent – but not hypocritical. And still far better than doing neither.

3. The epithet “hypocrite” is very strong and negative, and should be used sparingly and carefully.

4. Just because someone is Orthodox, doesn’t mean he has a strong relationship with God or with a rabbi, which are things that will help deter bad behavior.

5. Judaism requires us to give the “benefit of the doubt” in a given situation. That means if we see something that seems odd, we are required to say, “maybe they don’t realize that’s wrong, maybe I don’t have the whole picture…” Otherwise, this is called being judgmental, which is perhaps just as bad as being hypocritical.

6. Anyone who is identifiably Jewish has a responsibility to understand that his actions will serve as an assumption point for all Jews of his affiliation. So if you’re wearing a kippah/yarmulke, you’d better be driving courteously. If you’re wearing a headscarf, you’d better wait in line patiently at Heinen’s. Because right or wrong, others will judge all religious Jews by your actions.

And finally, we have to recognize that as Jews, we are constantly being assessed by the non-Jewish world. How do we want them to view us? To treat us? Are we treating each other that way?

What are your thoughts on hypocrisy among Jews?

When did Bat Mitzvah become a verb?

The first time someone asked me if I “got Bat Mitzvahed” I had no idea what she was trying to ask. Was she asking if I turned 12? Was she asking if I had a party? Why did this question appear to be fraught? Was it a trick?

When I answered, “Yes, of course I had a Bat Mitzvah,” the reaction was invariably one of surprise. Then came the kicker: “So you read from the Torah and everything?” Now I was thoroughly confused. No, I didn’t read from the Torah. Was that supposed to be The Important Thing?

Clearly, we were speaking two different languages.

As I was growing up, say, 6, 7, 8, 9, etc, I was raised to understand a few basic tenets about life and Judaism.

1. God (we called him “Hashem” which is Hebrew for “the Name”) was a very strong presence in our lives.

2. He is a national and personal God.

3. There are all kinds of mitzvot/mitzvos we do (give tzedakah, eat in a Sukkah, pray) and all kinds of things we don’t do (gossip, drive on Shabbos, eat cheeseburgers), in accordance with the Torah, which is God’s guidebook for us.

4. When we would turn 12, and for boys 13, on our Hebrew birthdays, we would, according to the Torah, become responsible for our behavior in the eyes of God.

5. This is a big deal.

For awhile I thought the whole Torah thing was perhaps a ploy by the Adults to make us behave; I wondered if at my Bat Mitzvah my mother would tell me it was all a sham, but I should be sure to perpetuate the trick to the next generation to get them to obey their parents, not fight, etc.

I was wrong.

But many things were “practice” for post Bat Mitzvah. For example, if I skipped my daily prayers before my Bat Mitzvah, it wasn’t such a big deal, but after my Hebrew birthday, I understood that it really counted. If I fought with my siblings prior to my Bat Mitzvah, well, that wasn’t nice, but it was all really a rehearsal for post Bat Mitzvah, when my accounting in Heaven would begin. Yes, I knew all this at 12, as did my friends.
The actual celebration of The Day was a big deal, and fun to plan. My grandparents came in from out of town and we invited my friends and classmates to my home. My mother and I planned the menu and program. We had a delicious homemade dinner – all my favorites – and I got a new dress. I said a Dvar Torah from my parsha and we took lots of amateur pictures. I was happy.

But the main part was what would take place after – I was a grown-up in God’s eyes, responsible for my decisions and moral choices.

It never occurred to me to need more.

Yes, my brothers had a Bar Mitzvah. Yes, there were more guests than at my Bat Mitzvah. Yes, they read from the Torah. No, I was not jealous. Can I explain this? Here are some thoughts.

1. Just like the guy gets a bigger fuss at the Bar Mitzvah, the girl gets a bigger fuss at the wedding.

2. Somehow I just knew it wasn’t about the party. The party was so secondary to the real thing, which was life.

3. When you’re full, you don’t crave someone else’s food. I had a rich upbringing. My Judaic smorgasbord consisted of rich customs, intellectual offerings every single day, deep emotional connections to my faith, and very clear guidance on the very deepest questions of life. Why am I here? What is my soul? What does it all mean? I was offered answers to all these questions and to others I hadn’t even thought of. Reading from the Torah paled in comparison to living, breathing, and feeling Torah in my every pore.

So… yes, I was Bat Mitvahed!

Were you?

Uncategorized July 26, 2011

The “O” Word

And I don’t mean Oprah.

Let me get this elephant introduced right at the beginning. The word “Orthodox” and I are not friends. Nevertheless, he exists, and I suppose it would be rude for me not to introduce him. I don’t like him, but everyone seems to know him, so to ignore or rename him would be somewhat pointless, although I certainly try.

See, “Orthodox” did not choose his own name. It was one of those nicknames that sort of arose as a differentiation. Yuk! A name chosen by way of contrast?? Would you do that to your kids? Start calling one shorty because another was taller??

Once upon a time, all Jews followed their special book: the Torah. They weren’t all perfect, nor did they all believe in G-d, nor did they all live happily ever after.

Over time, many movements came and went. Some lasted; others didn’t. When movements began that altered some traditions and rituals, a name was chosen for those that did not change. That term was “Orthodox.” And it stuck, though its mommy and daddy never chose the name.

The sad part is, I need to use this name sometimes because it’s the one everyone seems to know. I find labels in Judaism annoying and divisive at best. To G-d, we’re all Jews. He judges us based on an incredibly complicated series of variables. Do you think there are three (4? 5?) archways in Heaven, divided out by denomination, like going through customs at the airport?? Oh my no.

When people call me Orthodox, it annoys me. Especially when they say, “In the Orthodox religion, are you allowed to….” I understand, yes, I get it, but this is not a new religion, hon. We all are one people. Our behaviors and beliefs may differ, and we may find each others’ ideologies wrong at times, but that’s been constant since time immemorial.

Why highlight our differences with labels?

Don’t worry if you use The Word though. I’ve used it, in entitling this blog. I need to, now.
But I don’t hafta like it.