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controversial observations

Controversial Observations, Uncategorized June 12, 2014

Eli Talks #2: The Unbearable Lightness of Judaism

Alright, ladies and gents.  Welcome to our second installment of Eli Talks!

Here is Micah Lapidus, discussing a topic that is dear to my heart, but I like how he puts it: the incredible lightness of Judaism.  He raises the issue of Judaism being viewed as a burden for some – whether identity or observance – and what to do about it.


Eli Talks director Miriam Brosseau says:

We all want to live lives of meaning, of purpose. How do we get that? How do we make meaning? 
When I think about the things in my life that are most meaningful, those things that give me a sense of purpose, they’re all the really hard stuff. Family is one of those things. My husband and I have a 1 year-old who is the greatest thing on the planet, and all of the tough stuff with him is also the very best stuff. I can’t count how many hours I’ve spent humming and singing and shushing my little boy to sleep at all hours of the night. And now he’s teething and his nap schedule is off and he wakes up…oy. It’s exhausting! But then, in the middle of all this, I suddenly have that moment where he’s curled himself around me, totally trusting, his sleepy weight sinking into me…and I get it. I love it. I wouldn’t exchange those moments for anything.
The weight of a (not) sleeping baby, or family in general, or work, or community, can feel like a burden we want lightened. Judaism can feel like that. But what do we lose when we lighten the load? What does that mean for Judaism and Jewish life? Can we make still make meaning if we don’t feel that heaviness? And if we can’t, what does that, well, mean? Micah Lapidus may not answer all these questions in this talk, but he asks them in such an eloquent, genuine manner that I can’t help but think about it.

OOTOB’s Ruchi Koval says:


I sometimes feel like the object of pity.  I “have to” wear long sleeves in the summer, cover my hair, and be restricted in what I eat.  And in all honesty… those things sometimes feel burdensome to me too. But if I didn’t feel like Judaism offered me so, so much, it would feel like a heavy burden all the time. So how does Judaism feel not only light, but that IT’S carrying ME?

Judaism to me is an answer.  It gives meaning to my days, clarity to my questions, and depth to my emotions.  It’s a destination for my prayers, eternity to my feelings of smallness, and an infinite legacy for my fleeting moments of joy and sadness.

Forget about carrying a burden; how could I survive without it??

Imagine a man hiking in the desert with a backpack of food.  Is the pack heavy?  Yes, and the heavier it is – the more that’s in it – the more he will be nourished.

Now the question is, how to transmit this to the next generation?  Not a complete answer in any way, but the only way to even have a chance at successfully transmitting anything to the next generation is to be totally sure of it ourselves.  Which begs the next question… how can we teach ourselves that Judaism is not only light, but lightens our load in life?


What do you think?

Uncategorized June 6, 2014

Summer Series: Eli Talks – “Social Intelligence”

Hey OOTOB readers,

This June, you’re in for a treat.  OOTOB is partnering with Eli Talks to bring you four interesting conversation-starters of Jewish interest.  These four posts are sponsored by Eli Talks, and we are sure the OOTOB community will find its content interesting and worth pursuing further in your own conversations locally.

About ELI Talks

Judaism is a conversation. It is a religion that does not stand on faith alone, but pushes its 
adherents to wrestle with new ideas and never back down from a good argument. 

The digital age breathes new life into this grand Jewish conversation. Now we can capture, 
share, remix, and reimagine inspired Jewish ideas from across the spectrum. We can access 
them anytime, anywhere, and add our voices.

This is what ELI Talks is all about.

ELI talks are “inspired Jewish ideas” addressing issues of Jewish religious engagement (E), 
literacy (L), and identity (I) in highly produced, 12-minute presentations. ELI Talks are given 
by some of the Jewish world’s most thoughtful, inspiring, and unexpected personalities. While 
initially inspired by TED Talks, the mission of ELI is to go beyond the TED-style sharing of great 
ideas to real engagement, sparking and hosting deep conversations around the implications of 
those ideas for the community. 

Talks can be used in a variety of settings: as conversation pieces at conferences, in staff 
learning and at board meetings, as resources in adult education, and to spark discussions with 
your friends by sharing on Facebook or Twitter. If you’re interesting in developing materials 
around a Talk or series of Talks, please contact Program Director Miriam Brosseau who will be 
happy to help.

Website: http://elitalks.org/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ELItalks

Twitter: https://twitter.com/ELI_talks

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/ELItalksVideo

What Does OOTOB Have To Do With It


Eli Talks are offered by a variety of Jews – different educators and lay people.  I do not personally endorse the content, and will offer my responses where we differ, and my comments where I agree.  I’m really looking forward to this partnership.  We will share four posts on four Thursdays in June in addition to OOTOB’s usual content at the beginning of each week.  Hope you like it!

And now, for the very first talk:  Social Intelligence by Dr. Rona Novick



Eli Talk’s Program Director, Miriam Brosseau, says:


I come from a family of teachers, so we talk a lot of about the value and purpose of education. It’s a huge question, and not an easy one to answer. We have to ask ourselves: what, really, is the goal of education, Jewish or otherwise? What do children need to know, what skills do they need to have? Ultimately, what kind of people are we trying to shape? 
Social intelligence – it’s so important, yet so easy to overlook; it’s such a primal, but nuanced skill that carries us throughout our entire lives. I love Dr. Novick’s talk not only because she so eloquently argues for the value of social intelligence, but because when we re-frame the goal, when we change our intentions, we have to rethink everything. And that’s scary, and it’s hard. But it’s worth it. 
OOTOB’s Ruchi Koval says:

Very often when Orthodox kids do things that are socially or ethically wrong, people say, “Is that what the schools are teaching??”  This really, really (really) bothers me.  Schools can and do run all sorts of programs on anti-gossip, anti-bullying, kindness begins at home, blah blah blah, and these are all good and important programs.  Yet.  If the same message isn’t being loudly promulgated at home, fuggeddabbouddit.  Home.  Parents.  These are the primary, and must be the primary, place of moral and ethical teaching.  Day schools are to be considered a supplementary source of social intelligence. Not to take the heat off the schools – but to rather place it, squarely, as Dr. Novick suggests, on the parents.
What do you think?

Controversial Observations, Uncategorized May 12, 2014

Blog Roundup: Tanta Golda, the son of a Nazi, Social Orthodoxy, and more

Hey OOTOB fans,

This is the first in a series that I’ll feature occasionally, where I bring you different things I’ve discovered around the web that I’ve found interesting lately.  Call it “trending,” or whatever you want – I’ve found it interesting and I’ve decided to bring it to you.  Feel free to send me things that piqued your curiosity or sparked conversation for possible inclusion here in future posts.

ASK TANTA GOLDA

Firstly, I discovered a whole new blog that, honestly, I’m surprised I’ve never encountered before.  It’s called “Ask Tanta Golda” and the concept is somewhat similar to OOTOB.  The blogger, Geri Copitch, adopts the Tanta persona, which I find cute, although I certainly do not agree with all her responses.  It’s unclear to me what her affiliation is, and it seems she prefers it that way.  Check it out and share your impressions.

VIDEO: SON OF A NAZI

This video was sent to me by my friend’s mom and it sat in my inbox for like a month (I have precious little time for videos – I read faster than I can watch – plus it was a whopping 24 minutes long) before I watched it.  But, man, was I glad I did.  It was an immediate share on Facebook, and got a strongly positive reaction there including several shares.  You can’t find it by searching YouTube because it’s privacy-protected.  I won’t give it away – it’s a first-person account of the son of a Nazi and how he chooses to deal with his painful family history.  Seriously, pull up a chair and give this 24 minutes of eyeball time. You will not regret it.

SOCIAL ORTHODOXY

This piece has been getting a lot of attention in the Orthodox world.  A few friends sent it my way and I found it both troubling and insightful.  Here’s a response from Rabbi Maryles, a Modern Orthodox scholar, and here’s one from Rabbi Shafran, a “haredi” scholar.

MOTHER’S DAY AND RWANDA

To close, I have a Mother’s Day question for you.  One of my friends posted this on Facebook:

“Today I’d like to wish everyone a Happy Mothering Day. You do not have to have your own children to make a difference in a child’s life. You also don’t have to be female. Thank you for being in our children’s lives and loving on them – you are our village!”  

I love this friend, but this status doesn’t sit well with me at all.  Mother’s Day is actually for… mothers.  Why dilute this by universalizing it to include anyone that has anything to do with kids?  It reminds me of several years ago, when the Holocaust Museum featured a refugee from Rwanda to speak at their annual benefit.  While her story was incredibly stirring, I was in shock that the Holocaust message was being universalized, essentially losing an opportunity to hear from a Holocaust survivor.  Now, maybe I’m getting a little too worked up over Mother’s Day, which is probably just a Hallmark holiday, but I think that’s why it bothers me so much.  It’s the underlying trend to universalize everything Jewish to include everyone and anyone, thus reducing anything specific we’ve experienced to nothing more than a humanitarian mish-mash.  

Thoughts?

Controversial Observations, Uncategorized May 7, 2014

I Love My House

No one will complain when you get a bonus post in the middle of the week, right?

It’s been nearly five years since we’ve moved into our new home, and guess what?  The pretty paint job is marred with spots and dents, the tile is cracking in various places, and the white pristine molding looks… neither white nor pristine.

When we remodeled this home, I felt incredibly conflicted.  Because I really, really liked my new house.  In fact… I loved it.  But you’re not supposed to love a house.  You’re supposed to love people, experiences, God.  So I worked on myself to channel that love positively.  I will use my house for Torah!  Host guests.  Open it up for other people’s guests.  Have Shabbos and holidays here.  Have Torah classes here.  Fill it with love for my family, warm memories, and delicious meals (that I will cook quickly).  Then it will be perfectly legitimate to love my house, because it’s a house that is altruistic and not selfish.

I also asked myself two questions:

1. If the Messiah were to come tomorrow, and you had to leave this home and move to Israel, would you be sad or happy?

2. When the house shows its age, or the kids ruin it, as kids inevitably do so well, will you be resentful?

I gotta say, the first one was pretty easy.  I would do it in a heartbeat.  The second one was hard.  And every day that my kids or guests have spilled grape juice on the carpet, thrown a cordless phone at the wall (fer instance), broken the lock on the back door (true story), or otherwise systematically and ruthlessly destroyed my beautiful home, with each of these moments I’ve tried to hard to remember “we love people more than homes.”

Julia Blum, a singer and songwriter originally from Beverly Hills, California, describes her very first Shabbos in Jerusalem as a guest in someone’s tiny apartment.  The daughter was carrying in chicken on a beautiful platter, seemingly the only expensive item in the whole home.  As she did, she slipped, and the tray fell to the ground and shattered.  The parents’ eyes met over the table, and simultaneously, both shouted “Mazel tov!”

In Julia’s words, “It was the first time I had encountered the attitude that so instinctively, people were more important than things.”  She describes, hilariously, walking into a home in her native Beverly Hills where you were met by a butler, your coat could only be hung in certain places, and some rooms were off-limits to guests.

So now it’s the moment of truth.  The house is no longer new and fresh.  Its age and flaws are showing. And yet, when I think back, I recall five years of great memories, great Shabbos meals, great events, great conversations.  I love my house.  And this time, for all the right reasons.

Uncategorized April 7, 2014

My Kid, the Professional Jew

Dateline:  child is 5 years old.

Rabbi, I’d love to come to that class/Shabbat dinner/program/event, but we really can’t.  My daughter is in a dance recital/my son is in a basketball tournament.  Maybe next time.  Hopefully next time.  For sure next time!
Dateline:  child is a teen.
Rabbi, I’m so distraught.  My kids are so disinterested in Judaism.  They’re so busy with school and sports, it just really doesn’t mean much to them right now.  I worry about their future.  What will Judaism mean to them on college campuses?
What we say:
I’m so sorry.  Maybe we can meet with him/her?  Talk, take a class, a program?  Trip to Israel?  Birthright?

What we think:
Where were you when your child was 5?  If you will prioritize Judaism over dancing and basketball when your child is 5, your child will have a chance at Judaism winning over dancing and basketball as a teen.
Ask yourself this tough question, and really dig deep for the answer:
When your kid is a teen, would you prefer that your kid be a professional dancer?  Basketball player?  And what are the chances of that happening? Or a professional Jew?  One who’s well-trained, proud, and skilled?
Controversial Observations, Uncategorized March 2, 2014

Convert Stories

When I used to teach tenth grade girls in our local Jewish day school, a not-uncommon question asked was, “Of course I know there is a God, but how do I know Judaism is the right religion?  Just because I was born Jewish?  So what?”

I have never, ever heard a non-Orthodox Jew ask this question.

A more common question in the non-Orthodox world is, “How do we really know there is a God in the world, who created this world and cares what we do?”  Implicit in this question, and I’ve heard it expressed explicitly too, is “of course if I were to be religious it would be Judaism.” Non-Orthodox Jews typically do not wish for the religious observances of other religions.  They KNOW they’re Jewish, they just don’t know where God fits in.

Orthodox Jews typically KNOW where God fits in.  They’re just wondering: why Jewish?

Enter convert stories.

When speakers travel the circuit and tell their “personal journey stories” (why I became religious, why I converted to Judaism) I’ve noticed a similar dynamic.  Convert stories are like gospel (oops) to Orthodox Jews.  It basically confirms and supports what they wondered: why be Jewish?  Because here is a person who was choosing a religion, and chose… Judaism.  Without being born to it.  Orthodox Jews LOVE convert stories.  They are inspired and motivated in their born faith by hearing the struggles and journey of a person who chose religious Judaism of their own volition.

Non-Orthodox Jews, less so.  They want to know things like: okay, I see why you left the religion of your youth, but why Judaism, specifically?  Without trying to be rude, they want to know: was it circumstantial?  If another religion would have found you at the crucial moment, would the conversion have been to that religion?  If another religion comes along that resonates more, would you consider it?

Another disconnect:

A lot of converts are converting from one fundamental religious lifestyle to another.  This unnerves non-Orthodox Jews.  They can’t relate to the fundamentalism in the first place, so there’s barely any point of connection in the story.  For a non-Orthodox Jew to become religious, a huge obstacle of faith-in-the-first place must be surmounted, and this particular type of convert doesn’t address it.  Faith is in their bloodstream from their earliest memories.  In fact, when I read blogs or books by religious members of other faiths, I feel a strong kinship and support.

It took a lot of thinking for me to figure out why convert-stories that left me feeling so inspired and moved, left my fellow non-Orthodox friends feeling somewhat flat and underwhelmed.  So that’s my theory.

Your thoughts?