Jews are lucky. We
get two birthdays – our Hebrew date and our solar calendar date. We get upwards of 10 holidays throughout the
year, separate from legal holidays. And
we get to fail at our New Year’s Resolutions twice – once at January 1st,
and again at the Jewish New Year in September!
How to beat the odds?
In 8 steps, that’s how.
1. Choose what you’re good at.
Most folks invariably make doomsday mistake
#1: they pick what they’re bad at. Fail
continuously at dieting? Resolve to lose
weight! Have an awful relationship with
your in-laws? Resolve to be nice to
them! Consistently lose your temper with
your kids! Resolve to be more patient!
While these goals are lofty and admirable,
they are bad choices for one reason: they will never work.
Choose something you’re already good at, but resolve to upgrade
it in quality or quantity. Or,
similarly, choose something you’ve been jonesing to do for awhile, want to do,
and know you can do, but needed a poke in the ribs. This is it.
New Year’s is your poke.
Example:
You
have a good marriage, but have noticed yourself slipping in disparaging your
spouse to others, all in a jokey way.
You know you can reign this in, and really want to.
2. Pinpoint an action.
Saying, “I’m going to be more healthful” is
super nice, but until you make it a specific VERB it won’t mean much in the
real world. Try: I’m only going to spend
$5 a week on junk food. Or: I’m going to
join a produce food share. Or: I’m going
to move my computer upstairs so I have to do the stairs several times a
day. Those are actions!
Example:
In
your marriage resolution, the action might be: I’m going to order a set of CD’s
on marriage improvement and keep it in my car.
Or: I’m going to use the words “sweetie” or “honey” more often. Or: I’m going to call relative x, who’s been
happily married for 50 years, and ask her if I can come over to do an informal
interview and get some nuggets of wisdom.
Note the verbs: order, use, call.
They are practical actions that you can visualize yourself doing today.
3. Make it specific.
Now that you have an action, make it more
specific. You’re going to join a food
share? When will you call? Whom will you call? Where will you store it? Get as nitty-gritty as you can – it will save
you heartache later instead of having your resolution die a slow death of
neglect and ambiguity. You’re going to
move your computer upstairs? When? To where?
Is there space? Think all the
details through.
Example:
From
whom will you order the CD’s? Do you
need to do research on a good recommendation?
Are you going to be more mushy in public, or just in private? Which relative will you call, and when? Do you have time for the interview, or is
this just wishful thinking? You know you’ve
accomplished this step when you have a plausible to-do item that is on your
list or in your calendar.
4. Limit by time.
Don’t leave your resolution
open-ended. How much time will you spend
on this? If your resolution is to be
more patient with a co-worker, give yourself a time-frame: from 9-10 am, you
will work on your attitude. Or if your
resolution is to call your mother-in-law once a week, pinpoint your time-frame:
Friday mornings, for a maximum of 10 minutes.
Also set a deadline by which you will stop
and re-assess if this resolution is the right one: ie, after a month, or
six. The length of time is less
important than that you are giving yourself a kosher endpoint to stop and take
stock. At that point you may choose to
scrap and start over – hopefully you’ll have learned something in the
process. Or you may choose to upgrade
again. Or even to continue exactly what
you’re doing.
Example:
“I
will listen to the CD’s for 10 minutes a day, when I’m on my way to my 3:30
carpool. Or, I will be especially kind
on Sunday mornings, from 8-9 am (try it at a time that you’re awake for a
greater challenge). I will try my
program for two months.”
Now
set a reminder on your iphone or Blackberry or whatever – both to remind yourself to
do it, and to let yourself know when your endpoint approaches.
5. Limit by place.
Don’t expect yourself to abide by
your resolution everywhere. We all have
times that we’re away from home, not on our own schedules, and are otherwise
not in control of life’s details. Build
that right into your resolution so it doesn’t throw you.
Example: only going to spend $5 a
week on junk food? What about when you’re
away on vacation? Will you be
exempt? Will you up your allowance to
$10 a week? Make these decisions in
advance. Going to call your
mother-in-law every Friday? What about
when you’re traveling for business?
It’s fine to limit your resolution
to only apply when you’re home, when you’re eating at your own table, or in
your car. It’s even better – both because
you’re making your resolution that much more attainable, and because you’re
planning for the unexpected – which will
happen regularly. One year, I resolved
not to make phone calls when I was driving a child to or from an appointment,
but only if that child was the only other person in the car besides me. This would be my private time with that
child. Had I resolved to not be on the
phone when my kids were around, my resolution would’ve died eons ago. As it stands, I still am in full observance
of that resolution, made a number of years ago – because it was so very
specific and limited.
Example:
“I
will work on my marriage in the car listening to the CD’s. If I’m driving someone else’s car to carpool,
I will not hold myself responsible.”
Or,
“I will be more cognizant of my language while at the breakfast table. Or, when we go out with friends to venue x, I
will be especially aware to build my spouse with positive language, and not be
denigrating.”
Specify the place where your resolution will
happen.
6. Write it down.
No, not in your head. Not in your computer. Not even in your iphone. Take an index card or piece of PAPER, and a
good ol’ fashioned PEN, and write it down.
Next, TAPE it somewhere you will
see it every morning: on your alarm clock, on the mirror in your bathroom, in
your underwear drawer.
Example:
“I
will use especially soft language to my spouse like ‘sweetie’ and ‘honey’ every
morning as we are getting ready to leave the house, from 8:00 am-8:30 am. I have set myself a reminder in my
phone. I will only do this when we are
home. I will try it for one month, then
reassess.”
Now
tape it to your bathroom mirror.
7. Share it with someone who loves you.
Make a copy of your index card or
paper and give it to someone who loves you.
No need to shout it from the rooftops, and also not smart to share it
with the butt of your resolution, but definitely make yourself externally
accountable by sharing it with someone who really wants you to succeed: your
spouse (unless you’re working on that relationship), a good, trustworthy and
discreet friend, a sister.
Example:
Make
a copy of your marriage resolution and share it with a close sibling or
girlfriend who also has a good marriage and truly wants you to succeed – but won’t
share it with others.
8. Set yourself a consequence.
When (not if) you slip, you will give yourself a consequence. Determine what that consequence will be
now. It should be a proactive action –
not a “refraining from” kind of thing.
Good: I will unplug the TV for ½ hour.
Bad: I won’t watch my favorite show.
Good: I will send a $10 donation to a cause I
disagree with.
Bad: I will skip my favorite Starbucks drink.
Good: I will spend ½ hour folding laundry [insert
your least favorite chore here]. This is
actually very good, because your household benefits.
Bad: I will do my resolution for longer tomorrow
(the time frame you chose is just right; if you couldn’t swing it today, don’t
expect yourself to surpass your original expectations tomorrow).
Example:
If I flub up my half
hour, I will spend an extra fifteen minutes prepping my spouse’s favorite
salad/dessert/picking up something special for him that day.
***
Now you see what you can do
How to choose to see this through
Try the steps, one through eight,
See how soon you celebrate!
Let me know how it goes!
