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how-to Judaism

Uncategorized December 5, 2011

The 5 Things I Wish All Orthodox People Knew

I was taken aback that my post on The Danger of Being Orthodox has, in two weeks, quickly climbed to being my third most widely read post since I began my blog back in July.  I’m not quite sure why that is, but the phenomenon, and its follow-up conversation that it engendered, What I’m Thinking When the Orthodox Make Headlines, have really got me thinking.  And I’ve decided to address this, then, to my fellow Orthodox men and women – of all stripes.

Hi guys.

So we’re all in this Ortho-boat together.  We have a lot in common.  And we also have our differences.  Sometimes enormous differences.  In fact, one could argue that the Jewish relationship to the world in general may parallel the relationship of the Orthodox to the Jewish community in general.  Another post for another day.  In any event, my specialty is public relations.  So communication is a must.  Here’s what you may already know.  Or maybe you know it but forget sometimes. Or maybe you have no idea.  I’d love to know which it is.  Ready?  Let’s go, in no particular order (but regular readers already knew that).

1. You are public.
You may be totally wired to the internet, or shun technology entirely (I personally have family members in both categories).  Either way, it is terribly important for you to know that, perhaps completely unbeknownst to you, your actions, decisions, insular school systems and social habits are being noted, observed and recorded.  Either by impartial journalists, judgmental bloggers, angry former Ortho-folk, or anyone.  Please don’t assume that anything you do is ever private.  Because it’s not.

2. Be a mensch.
Because you are Orthodox, people think you think you are better than others. You may truly think that, or you may not.  I don’t know.  But the best mitzvah/custom/spiritual rite you can perform is called “being a mensch.”  I did not make this up.  It’s all over our liturgy.  Also, everyone is looking for it.  “Those Orthodox… what good is it to keep kosher if you’re going to be rude on the airplane??”  When you keep the ritual stuff and aren’t a mensch, you make the ritual stuff look bad.  When you keep the ritual stuff and ARE a mensch, you make the ritual stuff look good.  It’s never been divisible, and now least of all.

3. Be proud of who you are.
Not proud as in arrogant or superior.  Proud as in take pleasure and joy in your different-ness.  There’s no need to be “just like everyone else.”  People truly respect those who live by their principles (as long as you’re a mensch…see #2).  Have a lot of kids?  Wear only skirts?  Need to do your praying?  Do it with joy, and unapologetically!  You do both yourself and your religion a disservice when you try to under-represent what you are.  It’s so awesomely cool to be Orthodox – and if you don’t feel that it is, that’s something to think about.  I have seen with my own eyes that proudly observant Jews garner respect (as long as you’re a mensch…see #2).

4. Keep learning.
Being brought up Ortho is not the end of the story.  You need a community, support, inspiration, and sources.  If you aren’t learning, you aren’t growing, and if you aren’t growing, you’re stagnating.  You don’t “arrive” till you reach the pearly gates – the journey keeps going.

5. Ask yourself if God is in your life.
This may sound ridiculously superfluous, but it’s not.  I’ve stated a number of times on this blog that being Orthodox does not equal having a relationship with God – and many times the folly of #2 lies precisely in this very area.  Do you talk to Him?  Do you ever ask yourself if He’s proud of you?  Do you feel His presence in good times and bad?  Do you think He loves you?  Do you love Him?  If it’s been awhile (or never) since these questions have been thought about, or better yet, talked about, there’s a problem.  You may be Orthodox, but what about being Jewish?

PS As a disclaimer, because I know the above can sound kind of preachy, I’d like to acknowledge the obvious.  I am a regular girl, far from perfect.  I am hyper-cognizant of the above, not because I am a superior specimen of Orthodoxy, but simply for three reasons:

One, I am married to an incredible human being, who is my teacher in so many things, and especially the above five.  And mostly, in the hugely important #2.  For that, I will forever be humbled and grateful.

Two, my experience in Jewish education and Jewish unity over the past 13 years have taught me a thing or two.  I’ve tried to learn from my own mistakes and from those of others.

And three, my parents, my siblings, my upbringing, and my schooling have given me such awareness in all of the above.  There is not enough gratitude in the world for the priceless gifts they have given me.

And finally, I’d love to hear from you.  What are your thoughts of the five?  What might your list look like?

Uncategorized November 29, 2011

What Friday Feels Like

When you are Shabbat-observant/Shomer Shabbos, Friday is a Big Deal.

Everything that you can’t do on Shabbat, you have to complete by sundown.  The candles are lit typically 18 minutes before sundown to build in a buffer and make sure you don’t light too late – because creating fire is one of the main things we don’t do on Shabbat.  So, the rush is on!

FOOD: All the food gets cooked prior to Shabbat. So Friday smells great.  Challah, chicken, soup, or whatever is on the menu smells awesome as it preps – all must be ready by sundown.  It can be kept warm over Shabbat, but not cooked.

PEOPLE: We shower and change prior to Shabbat, as though to prepare for an honored guest – which we are.  Torah literature likens the arrival of Shabbat to the arrival of a queen.  The early kabbalists actually danced out in the field and composed songs and poems to welcome her presence.  So Friday sounds like this: “Hurry!  Did you shower yet??  Well, I need to get in!  Let’s go!  Don’t use up all the hot water!  Who wants to give the baby a bath??”  etc.  As far as clothes:  “Have you seen my skirt?  It’s at the cleaners!  You didn’t pick it up??  Can I borrow your shoes?  Where’s my necklace?  Did someone borrow my mascara? You didn’t return it!  Has anyone seen my tie??”  No, we don’t live in a dysfunctionally disorganized home – Shabbat is coming.

HOUSE:  Goal: house to be spotless before Shabbat.  Many of my friends, even those whom are on a super-tight budget, get cleaning help on Friday – to make the house beautiful for the arrival of Shabbat.  Either way, it’s a vacuum-wash kitchen floors-put away laundry-sponge down counters-get rid of all dishes day.  By the time Shabbat arrives, the house looks great.  Till someone changes it.  🙂

TIME:  It’s an hour to Shabbat.  “Let’s go!  Candle-lighting is in an hour!”
TIME: Half hour to Shabbat.  Everyone is fresh and clean.  The clothes are fresh and clean.  The candles are waiting.  The table is (usually) set.  The food is warming in the oven.  The house looks beautiful.
TIME: Candle-lighting (early in winter, late in summer).  I take the match and gather my family around.  I light the candles – two for Shabbat, plus one for each of my children. I cover my eyes, say the blessing, and add my own prayers.  For us, for our kids, for those in my life that need prayer.  For the Land of Israel.  For my friend’s kid. I uncover my eyes, and give each of my children a hug.  My husband goes to services along with any of the children that wish to accompany him.

THE COUCH:  I plop on it.  My kids who are home plop on it. We read, pray, chill and chat.

Shabbat has arrived.

Have you ever experienced the Friday Rush?

Uncategorized November 24, 2011

I Pray

Lots of people associate Judaism with synagogues, and synagogues with prayer.  But some of the most important praying that I do has nothing to do with a synagogue.

See, Jewish prayer breaks down into three categories:

  1. Formal praying done at synagogue, with a minyan*, in Hebrew
  2. Formal praying done elsewhere, without a minyan, in Hebrew
  3. Spontaneous, organic praying, in English or any language

*A minyan is a when 10 adult Jewish men join together for prayer or other religious services.  10 is the tipping point where they are considered a community.  

Formal praying is done with a siddur (prayerbook) in Hebrew, at the following designated times.

Shacharit – the morning service.  Done from sunrise till midday.  Midday is determined by taking the daylight hours and finding the midpoint, so it changes somewhat each day.  Takes about 45 minutes.
Mincha – the afternoon service.  Done from midday till sunset.  Takes about 10 minutes.
Maariv – the evening service.  Done from nightfall till just before sunrise.  Takes about 10 minutes.

There is a certain advantage to praying with a minyan, and certain advantages to praying in a synagogue, even where there is no minyan.  Spiritually speaking, the very walls absorb the holiness of the services that have taken place there.  There’s also an advantage to praying in Hebrew – the words are kabbalistically arranged, for the biggest punch (so to speak).  And even if you don’t make it to synagogue very often, there is a decided advantage to using the words in the siddur, that were selected by prophets, scholars, and mystics, to unlock to gates of prayer in ways that we don’t even understand.

But my focus here is going to be on spontaneous, organic prayer.  For me, the formal praying feels very important, as it’s my anchor in a crazy day to stop and access ancient wisdom; to tie myself to the spirituality of yesteryear and add my link to the chain in a millenia-long conversation with God.  And the organic prayer – that’s my handwritten love note to God that I made up all by myself.

Here’s what it might sound like:

(Note: when talking to God organically, I use the Hebrew word “Hashem” to refer to God.  It means, literally, “the name” and is a way of referencing God respectfully without actually invoking a holy name – which is used in formal prayer only.)

(As carpool drives off) Hashem, please let my kids have a good day at school today.  Please let them learn well and have positive interactions and associations with their friends.

(As I drive to a class) Hashem, please let this go well.  Please give me eloquence and wisdom, and allow me to always remember that all successes in life are thanks to you.  Thank you for allowing me to be involved in learning and teaching.

(As I look for a parking spot) Hashem, please let me find a spot!  Thank you!!

(As I hang up the phone with a friend who is struggling with something) Hashem, please help my friend to find her way.  It’s so hard for her.  Please bless her with clarity and strength.

(As I notice that the cop behind me is actually following someone else) Thank you Hashem!  I really, really appreciate that!

I find that it is these conversations, sprinkled throughout my day, that deeply forge my relationship to God – in a way that when something truly significant happens… we’re in touch.  And sometimes, days go by where I forget to talk to God that way.

And then, I remember again, and it’s a reunion.

Is prayer foreign to you?  Do you relate more to formal or spontaneous prayer?

Uncategorized November 22, 2011

Shiva Calls

One of the biggest chasms I’ve encountered between the Orthodox and non-Orthodox communities is the way the shiva customs are observed.  So I’m here to demystify Orthodox shiva, cuz it’s a whole ‘nother animal.  Some of the below might be familiar to you, and some may not; I’m approaching the subject as though I am addressing someone who is not familiar with any the customs.

1. Shiva is observed beginning after the funeral for 7 full days, excluding Shabbat and holidays (since on those days there is a mitzvah to be happy).

2. Mirrors are covered to symbolize that it’s not a time to focus on the physical.

3. Shiva is to honor the memory of the deceased, and to comfort the loved ones of the deceased.  Tradition teaches that the soul is present during the shiva and is aware of all that transpires.

4. The mourners (blood relatives+spouse) sit on low chairs and do not wear shoes made of leather.  They continue to wear their clothes that have been torn in grief (there’s a custom to tear clothes in grief upon learning of the death of a loved one – again, blood relatives+spouse). 

5. The food at the shiva is meant for the mourners, and those that are staying with them.  It is not intended for visitors; this is to prevent the atmosphere from becoming too festive.

6. The visitors are to enter without knocking and without greeting or being greeted.  They are not to initiate conversation until addressed by the mourners, so they can gauge the mood of the mourners and read their cues as to where their wishes are and what they would like to discuss.  The mourners are not to “host” – greet, introduce, make sure everyone has somewhere to sit.

7. The best length of time to stay is 10-15 minutes, unless you sense the mourners want you to stay longer, or unless you are very close.

8. Finally, the ideal conversation is about the deceased – specifically, inspiring stories about his/her life; memories; what we can learn from their legacy.

What are your shiva experiences?

Uncategorized October 3, 2011

8 Steps To Your Favorite New Year’s Resolution

Jews are lucky.  We
get two birthdays – our Hebrew date and our solar calendar date.  We get upwards of 10 holidays throughout the
year, separate from legal holidays.  And
we get to fail at our New Year’s Resolutions twice – once at January 1st,
and again at the Jewish New Year in September!
How to beat the odds? 
In 8 steps, that’s how.
1.       Choose what you’re good at.
Most folks invariably make doomsday mistake
#1: they pick what they’re bad at.  Fail
continuously at dieting?  Resolve to lose
weight!  Have an awful relationship with
your in-laws?  Resolve to be nice to
them!  Consistently lose your temper with
your kids!  Resolve to be more patient!
While these goals are lofty and admirable,
they are bad choices for one reason: they will never work.
Choose something you’re already good at, but resolve to upgrade
it in quality or quantity.  Or,
similarly, choose something you’ve been jonesing to do for awhile, want to do,
and know you can do, but needed a poke in the ribs.  This is it. 
New Year’s is your poke.
Example:
You
have a good marriage, but have noticed yourself slipping in disparaging your
spouse to others, all in a jokey way. 
You know you can reign this in, and really want to. 
2.       Pinpoint an action.
Saying, “I’m going to be more healthful” is
super nice, but until you make it a specific VERB it won’t mean much in the
real world.  Try: I’m only going to spend
$5 a week on junk food.  Or: I’m going to
join a produce food share.  Or: I’m going
to move my computer upstairs so I have to do the stairs several times a
day.  Those are actions!
Example:
In
your marriage resolution, the action might be: I’m going to order a set of CD’s
on marriage improvement and keep it in my car. 
Or: I’m going to use the words “sweetie” or “honey” more often.  Or: I’m going to call relative x, who’s been
happily married for 50 years, and ask her if I can come over to do an informal
interview and get some nuggets of wisdom. 
Note the verbs: order, use, call. 
They are practical actions that you can visualize yourself doing today.
3.       Make it specific.
Now that you have an action, make it more
specific.  You’re going to join a food
share?  When will you call?  Whom will you call?  Where will you store it?  Get as nitty-gritty as you can – it will save
you heartache later instead of having your resolution die a slow death of
neglect and ambiguity.  You’re going to
move your computer upstairs?  When?  To where?  
Is there space?  Think all the
details through.
Example:
From
whom will you order the CD’s?  Do you
need to do research on a good recommendation? 
Are you going to be more mushy in public, or just in private?  Which relative will you call, and when?  Do you have time for the interview, or is
this just wishful thinking?  You know you’ve
accomplished this step when you have a plausible to-do item that is on your
list or in your calendar.
4.       Limit by time.
Don’t leave your resolution
open-ended.  How much time will you spend
on this?  If your resolution is to be
more patient with a co-worker, give yourself a time-frame: from 9-10 am, you
will work on your attitude.  Or if your
resolution is to call your mother-in-law once a week, pinpoint your time-frame:
Friday mornings, for a maximum of 10 minutes.
Also set a deadline by which you will stop
and re-assess if this resolution is the right one: ie, after a month, or
six.  The length of time is less
important than that you are giving yourself a kosher endpoint to stop and take
stock.  At that point you may choose to
scrap and start over – hopefully you’ll have learned something in the
process.  Or you may choose to upgrade
again.  Or even to continue exactly what
you’re doing.
Example:
“I
will listen to the CD’s for 10 minutes a day, when I’m on my way to my 3:30
carpool.  Or, I will be especially kind
on Sunday mornings, from 8-9 am (try it at a time that you’re awake for a
greater challenge).  I will try my
program for two months.”
Now
set a reminder on your iphone or Blackberry or whatever – both to remind yourself to
do it, and to let yourself know when your endpoint approaches.
5.       Limit by place.
Don’t expect yourself to abide by
your resolution everywhere.  We all have
times that we’re away from home, not on our own schedules, and are otherwise
not in control of life’s details.  Build
that right into your resolution so it doesn’t throw you. 
Example: only going to spend $5 a
week on junk food?  What about when you’re
away on vacation?  Will you be
exempt?  Will you up your allowance to
$10 a week?  Make these decisions in
advance.  Going to call your
mother-in-law every Friday?  What about
when you’re traveling for business? 
It’s fine to limit your resolution
to only apply when you’re home, when you’re eating at your own table, or in
your car.  It’s even better – both because
you’re making your resolution that much more attainable, and because you’re
planning for the unexpected  – which will
happen regularly.  One year, I resolved
not to make phone calls when I was driving a child to or from an appointment,
but only if that child was the only other person in the car besides me.  This would be my private time with that
child.  Had I resolved to not be on the
phone when my kids were around, my resolution would’ve died eons ago.  As it stands, I still am in full observance
of that resolution, made a number of years ago – because it was so very
specific and limited.
Example:
“I
will work on my marriage in the car listening to the CD’s.  If I’m driving someone else’s car to carpool,
I will not hold myself responsible.” 
Or,
“I will be more cognizant of my language while at the breakfast table.  Or, when we go out with friends to venue x, I
will be especially aware to build my spouse with positive language, and not be
denigrating.”

 Specify the place where your resolution will
happen.

6.       Write it down.
No, not in your head.  Not in your computer.  Not even in your iphone.  Take an index card or piece of PAPER, and a
good ol’ fashioned PEN, and write it down. 
Next, TAPE it somewhere  you will
see it every morning: on your alarm clock, on the mirror in your bathroom, in
your underwear drawer.
Example:
“I
will use especially soft language to my spouse like ‘sweetie’ and ‘honey’ every
morning as we are getting ready to leave the house, from 8:00 am-8:30 am.  I have set myself a reminder in my
phone.  I will only do this when we are
home.  I will try it for one month, then
reassess.”
Now
tape it to your bathroom mirror.

7.       Share it with someone who loves you.
Make a copy of your index card or
paper and give it to someone who loves you. 
No need to shout it from the rooftops, and also not smart to share it
with the butt of your resolution, but definitely make yourself externally
accountable by sharing it with someone who really wants you to succeed: your
spouse (unless you’re working on that relationship), a good, trustworthy and
discreet friend, a sister.
Example:
Make
a copy of your marriage resolution and share it with a close sibling or
girlfriend who also has a good marriage and truly wants you to succeed – but won’t
share it with others.

8.       Set yourself a consequence.
When (not if) you slip, you will give yourself a consequence.  Determine what that consequence will be
now.  It should be a proactive action –
not a “refraining from” kind of thing.
Good: I will unplug the TV for ½ hour.
Bad: I won’t watch my favorite show.
Good: I will send a $10 donation to a cause I
disagree with.
Bad: I will skip my favorite Starbucks drink.

Good: I will spend ½ hour folding laundry [insert
your least favorite chore here].  This is
actually very good, because your household benefits.
Bad: I will do my resolution for longer tomorrow
(the time frame you chose is just right; if you couldn’t swing it today, don’t
expect yourself to surpass your original expectations tomorrow).
Example:
If I flub up my half
hour, I will spend an extra fifteen minutes prepping my spouse’s favorite
salad/dessert/picking up something special for him that day.
***
Now you see what you can do
How to choose to see this through
Try the steps, one through eight,
See how soon you celebrate!
Let me know how it goes!
Uncategorized September 27, 2011

A Chicken?? Really?? Kapparos in 2011

Follow my instructions exactly:

Take one chicken.

Hold it by its wings.

Move it around your head in a circle, halo-style, three times.

Now say this:

“This is my exchange, this is my substitute, this is my atonement. This rooster/hen will go to its death (or this money will go to charity), while I will enter and proceed to a good long life and to peace.”

Now give the chicken to a kosher slaughterer (shoichet) and donate the chicken to charity.

Nice!  You’ve just done the ritual called “kapparos” – pronounced “ka-PUH-ros” (long “o”).  Or, in Yiddish, shlugged kapparos.

Allow me to qualify a few points:

1. This is a custom, that is traditionally done around Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.  NOT a law.  There’s a big difference.

2. Many have the custom to perform this ritual with money that will go to charity instead of a chicken that will go to charity.  Back in the day, fowl was currency.  It’s cool to continue traditions exactly as they were done back in the day; it certainly enhances preservation of our faith.  But the point is charity, so if you’re squeamish, vegan, or a germaphobe, money is the way to go.

3. The chicken is not harmed or mistreated.  They are handled at least as well as regular chickens are handled for normal food consumption.  If the way chickens are handled for normal food consumption bothers you, I am sorry, but that is a whole ‘nother blog.

4. The concept is that the consequences of our misdeeds can be symbolically transferred to the animal, and simultaneously, wake us up to the reality that our deeds indeed do have consequences, in a very technicolor way.  By sacrificing it (or anything of value) to charity, we have the priceless opportunity to gain absolvement for those misdeeds.  Caveat: if you do kapparos, and keep on sinning, you’ve just wasted a chicken and your time.  This ain’t no presto-chango hoojie woojie – it’s supposed to be a supplementary device in the general repentance toolbox.

5. Interested in trying it out?  Let me know… I can work it out for ya.

Ever tried kapparos??  What was your experience?

Uncategorized September 25, 2011

The K9 Hora Club

Fascinating how, no matter how secular a Jew may be, there are some things everyone knows.

Like, Jews don’t have baby showers.

Has your Jewish grandmother ever done odd things like spit when someone offers her beautiful grandbaby a compliment?  Or say stuff like, “poo poo poo!!”  Or tie a red string around the crib?

If so, congrats. You are part of the K9 Hora club.  And, uh, no relation to the “hora” that you dance at a bar mitzvah.

Let’s start with some ulpan.

The phrase K9 Hora actually stems from three words smushed together (is smushed a Yiddish word too?  When I was little I always thought “smorgasbord” and “farfetched” were Yiddish) – and I’d like to credit my source – a very cute kenohora article right here.  And just try to google kenohora – there about 613 ways to spell it.

Which is why I like my way: K9 Hora. It almost looks English.

So the three words are: kein, the Yiddish word for no or negating, ayin, Hebrew for eye, and hara, Hebrew for Evil.

What is an Evil Eye?  Are Jews superstitious??  Is God out to get us?  Why does Madonna wear a red string?

In order:
I’ll tell you.
No.
No.
And  on principle, I don’t speak for Madonna.

What’s an Evil Eye?
Jews generally earn the Divine Protection of G-d – by default.  Not necessarily because we earn it, but because He loves us.  However, there are some ways to invalidate this protection, and one of them is by flaunting our blessings in a way that makes others uncomfortable or envious.  In a way that is excessive.  Then G-d pulls out His ledgers and checks us out.  Audits us.  And may very well say: “Hey – if you don’t really deserve your blessings, but no one’s getting hurt… OK.  But if your being in-your-face with My gifts, I may have to retract them.”

So this is called the Evil Eye – of other people in our lives, viewing our gifts with a negative eye.  Now, if there’s anything smart Jews want to do, it’s protect their assets.  So us Jews have gone completely extreme with protecting ourselves from Evil Eye – in some interesting ways.

Like when someone compliments your beautiful granddaughter, to spit and say, “Ew!  She’s so ugly!” which is code for “Get your evil eyes far away from me!”

This is not really my way.

The Torah states that if you buy into being victim to this whole dynamic, you will, indeed become susceptible to it.  And if you don’t, if you trust G-d, act normal, don’t flaunt your blessings, and share your goodness with others, you will continue to merit G-d’s Divine Protection.

It’s might seem easier, though, to just omit the baby shower, hang up a hamsa, wear a red string.  But those are shortcuts – not accessing the real state of faith that offers protection from the Evil Eye.

By the way, this is also why some people won’t share news of a pregnancy till it’s obvious or say how many kids or grandkids they have, and why some will otherwise downplay their blessings.

Me, I prefer to say “Thank G-d.” It’s positive – and focuses on my gratitude.  With Divine assistance, this will be the protection I need.