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why Orthodox Jews do what they do Archives - Page 11 of 17 - Out of the Ortho Box
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Uncategorized December 6, 2011

Dear Chanukah: I’m Offended

Dear Chanukah,

Hi. My name is Shavuos. Some people call me Shavuot. Many have never heard of me at all. I’m a pretty quiet holiday, so this outraged letter is really not my style. But honestly, things have just gone too far.

Not to toot my own horn, but I’m a REAL holiday. A Biblical one. I don’t like to flaunt my pedigree, but people just have to know these things. Like, the type of holiday you don’t drive on. You make kiddush on.  Y’know?

Chanukah, we can be friends and all. I like you. Your latkes rock and you sure know how to throw a party. Your theme is beautiful and your prayers contemporary and relevant. You’re a lot of fun and we actually have a lot in common. Dairy foods and all. But in some ways, we are so opposite. I’m a summer kind of thing and you’re a winter kind of thing. I’m really short and you’re… not. Is that any reason to show off?

I’m not really sure why you need to hang out in the middle of the mall decorated with gifts, starting from like November.  Really?? I think you’ve been hanging out with Christmas a little too much. Not that you asked, but you guys have nothing in common! Why are you always trying to upstage him? I know you share a birthday (sometimes). You’re not even related. Your themes are different, your customs are different. Lose the gifts, okay? It’s so not you. You’ve always been a gelt kind of guy. That means money – cash.  When did you become such a follower?

If anyone should be in the middle of the mall (which we shouldn’t) it should be us.  The threesome. The Three Major Holidays. And maybe especially me, the holiday of receiving and accepting the Torah! Where it all began!  You just seem to have forgotten your place. Me, Pesach (Passover) and Sukkot. Yep, it’s always been the three of us – no offense meant.

So why don’t you get out of the mall and do your job: fighting Jewish ignorance and apathy, and introducing people to us? It would suit you well. Oh, and by the way?  Figure out how to spell your name, because it’s becoming awfully confusing.

Looking forward to seeing you soon,

Shavuos
the forgotten holiday

Uncategorized December 5, 2011

The 5 Things I Wish All Orthodox People Knew

I was taken aback that my post on The Danger of Being Orthodox has, in two weeks, quickly climbed to being my third most widely read post since I began my blog back in July.  I’m not quite sure why that is, but the phenomenon, and its follow-up conversation that it engendered, What I’m Thinking When the Orthodox Make Headlines, have really got me thinking.  And I’ve decided to address this, then, to my fellow Orthodox men and women – of all stripes.

Hi guys.

So we’re all in this Ortho-boat together.  We have a lot in common.  And we also have our differences.  Sometimes enormous differences.  In fact, one could argue that the Jewish relationship to the world in general may parallel the relationship of the Orthodox to the Jewish community in general.  Another post for another day.  In any event, my specialty is public relations.  So communication is a must.  Here’s what you may already know.  Or maybe you know it but forget sometimes. Or maybe you have no idea.  I’d love to know which it is.  Ready?  Let’s go, in no particular order (but regular readers already knew that).

1. You are public.
You may be totally wired to the internet, or shun technology entirely (I personally have family members in both categories).  Either way, it is terribly important for you to know that, perhaps completely unbeknownst to you, your actions, decisions, insular school systems and social habits are being noted, observed and recorded.  Either by impartial journalists, judgmental bloggers, angry former Ortho-folk, or anyone.  Please don’t assume that anything you do is ever private.  Because it’s not.

2. Be a mensch.
Because you are Orthodox, people think you think you are better than others. You may truly think that, or you may not.  I don’t know.  But the best mitzvah/custom/spiritual rite you can perform is called “being a mensch.”  I did not make this up.  It’s all over our liturgy.  Also, everyone is looking for it.  “Those Orthodox… what good is it to keep kosher if you’re going to be rude on the airplane??”  When you keep the ritual stuff and aren’t a mensch, you make the ritual stuff look bad.  When you keep the ritual stuff and ARE a mensch, you make the ritual stuff look good.  It’s never been divisible, and now least of all.

3. Be proud of who you are.
Not proud as in arrogant or superior.  Proud as in take pleasure and joy in your different-ness.  There’s no need to be “just like everyone else.”  People truly respect those who live by their principles (as long as you’re a mensch…see #2).  Have a lot of kids?  Wear only skirts?  Need to do your praying?  Do it with joy, and unapologetically!  You do both yourself and your religion a disservice when you try to under-represent what you are.  It’s so awesomely cool to be Orthodox – and if you don’t feel that it is, that’s something to think about.  I have seen with my own eyes that proudly observant Jews garner respect (as long as you’re a mensch…see #2).

4. Keep learning.
Being brought up Ortho is not the end of the story.  You need a community, support, inspiration, and sources.  If you aren’t learning, you aren’t growing, and if you aren’t growing, you’re stagnating.  You don’t “arrive” till you reach the pearly gates – the journey keeps going.

5. Ask yourself if God is in your life.
This may sound ridiculously superfluous, but it’s not.  I’ve stated a number of times on this blog that being Orthodox does not equal having a relationship with God – and many times the folly of #2 lies precisely in this very area.  Do you talk to Him?  Do you ever ask yourself if He’s proud of you?  Do you feel His presence in good times and bad?  Do you think He loves you?  Do you love Him?  If it’s been awhile (or never) since these questions have been thought about, or better yet, talked about, there’s a problem.  You may be Orthodox, but what about being Jewish?

PS As a disclaimer, because I know the above can sound kind of preachy, I’d like to acknowledge the obvious.  I am a regular girl, far from perfect.  I am hyper-cognizant of the above, not because I am a superior specimen of Orthodoxy, but simply for three reasons:

One, I am married to an incredible human being, who is my teacher in so many things, and especially the above five.  And mostly, in the hugely important #2.  For that, I will forever be humbled and grateful.

Two, my experience in Jewish education and Jewish unity over the past 13 years have taught me a thing or two.  I’ve tried to learn from my own mistakes and from those of others.

And three, my parents, my siblings, my upbringing, and my schooling have given me such awareness in all of the above.  There is not enough gratitude in the world for the priceless gifts they have given me.

And finally, I’d love to hear from you.  What are your thoughts of the five?  What might your list look like?

Uncategorized November 29, 2011

What Friday Feels Like

When you are Shabbat-observant/Shomer Shabbos, Friday is a Big Deal.

Everything that you can’t do on Shabbat, you have to complete by sundown.  The candles are lit typically 18 minutes before sundown to build in a buffer and make sure you don’t light too late – because creating fire is one of the main things we don’t do on Shabbat.  So, the rush is on!

FOOD: All the food gets cooked prior to Shabbat. So Friday smells great.  Challah, chicken, soup, or whatever is on the menu smells awesome as it preps – all must be ready by sundown.  It can be kept warm over Shabbat, but not cooked.

PEOPLE: We shower and change prior to Shabbat, as though to prepare for an honored guest – which we are.  Torah literature likens the arrival of Shabbat to the arrival of a queen.  The early kabbalists actually danced out in the field and composed songs and poems to welcome her presence.  So Friday sounds like this: “Hurry!  Did you shower yet??  Well, I need to get in!  Let’s go!  Don’t use up all the hot water!  Who wants to give the baby a bath??”  etc.  As far as clothes:  “Have you seen my skirt?  It’s at the cleaners!  You didn’t pick it up??  Can I borrow your shoes?  Where’s my necklace?  Did someone borrow my mascara? You didn’t return it!  Has anyone seen my tie??”  No, we don’t live in a dysfunctionally disorganized home – Shabbat is coming.

HOUSE:  Goal: house to be spotless before Shabbat.  Many of my friends, even those whom are on a super-tight budget, get cleaning help on Friday – to make the house beautiful for the arrival of Shabbat.  Either way, it’s a vacuum-wash kitchen floors-put away laundry-sponge down counters-get rid of all dishes day.  By the time Shabbat arrives, the house looks great.  Till someone changes it.  🙂

TIME:  It’s an hour to Shabbat.  “Let’s go!  Candle-lighting is in an hour!”
TIME: Half hour to Shabbat.  Everyone is fresh and clean.  The clothes are fresh and clean.  The candles are waiting.  The table is (usually) set.  The food is warming in the oven.  The house looks beautiful.
TIME: Candle-lighting (early in winter, late in summer).  I take the match and gather my family around.  I light the candles – two for Shabbat, plus one for each of my children. I cover my eyes, say the blessing, and add my own prayers.  For us, for our kids, for those in my life that need prayer.  For the Land of Israel.  For my friend’s kid. I uncover my eyes, and give each of my children a hug.  My husband goes to services along with any of the children that wish to accompany him.

THE COUCH:  I plop on it.  My kids who are home plop on it. We read, pray, chill and chat.

Shabbat has arrived.

Have you ever experienced the Friday Rush?

Uncategorized November 28, 2011

How I Learned Yiddish

“Yiddish is written and spoken in a number of Orthodox Jewish
communities around the world, although there are also many Orthodox
Jews who do not know Yiddish. It is a home language in most Hasidic
communities, where it is the first language learned in childhood, used
in schools and in many social settings. Yiddish is also the academic
language of the study of the Talmud according to the tradition of the
great Lithuanian Yeshivohs.”

Thus opines the Great Wikipedia.


Well, I was one of those Orthodox Jews who didn’t know Yiddish.  And boy, did it bother me.  Firstly, when the adults used it as their “secret language.”  Secondly, when they laughed uproariously at a joke that was “funnier in Yiddish” (this was perhaps my first introduction to FOMO – Fear Of Missing Out, that still afflicts me today). Thirdly, when my Hungarian grandmother expressed her disappointment at my Yiddish ignorance.

Back to the GW:

“Yiddish (ייִדיש yidish or אידיש idish, literally “Jewish“) is a High German language of Ashkenazi Jewish origin, spoken throughout the world. It developed as a fusion of German dialects with Hebrew, Aramaic, Slavic languages and traces of Romance languages.[2][3] It is written in the Hebrew alphabet.”

Nice, GW, but you don’t address the burning question: why perpetuate Yiddish at all?


Well, many feel that one shouldn’t.  That it’s the language of the ghetto, of the past, the opposite of progress.  Others perpetuate it for those very reasons – it clings to our past, our Ashkenazi history, the faith of the past.  Yet others reject it as a culture but consider it to be valuable history.  This, my friends, highlights quite the fault line among Jews today – to cling to the past, or to shake it off and move forward?  And then there are those that have one foot on each tectonic plate: move forward, but hang onto the past.  (An interesting exercise: see if you can determine where you stand, then ask someone with different ideologies from yours where you stand.)

In any event, my brothers, being members of the “great Lithuanian Yishevohs (sic),” did understand that elusive, funny, secret language.  Fortunately, so did my husband.  So we made a pact: each night at dinner, we’d spend 5 minutes conversing exclusively in Yiddish.

Lesson #1:
Q. How do you say “how do you say” in Yiddish?
A. Vi zugt men…
[This was the critical lesson that enabled all future lessons.]

Lesson #2:
Q. Vi zugt men potatoes?
A. Kartuffluch.

etc.

Fortunately, two things were working in my favor.  Firstly, I had heard enough Yiddish swirling around my head as a child to have some rudimentary familiarity with the basics.  Also, my husband spoke Yiddish with a decided, um, American accent and dialect (ich vill essen broit mit peanut butter – I think I’ll have some bread with peanut butter) that assisted my linguistic skills considerably, and wasn’t I pleasantly surprised to discover that peanut butter was a Yiddish term.

And wasn’t my lovely grandmother delighted to learn that her second-generation American granddaughter had kept the chain of Yiddish proficiency alive.

And now we can laugh at the same jokes.  Success.

Uncategorized November 24, 2011

I Pray

Lots of people associate Judaism with synagogues, and synagogues with prayer.  But some of the most important praying that I do has nothing to do with a synagogue.

See, Jewish prayer breaks down into three categories:

  1. Formal praying done at synagogue, with a minyan*, in Hebrew
  2. Formal praying done elsewhere, without a minyan, in Hebrew
  3. Spontaneous, organic praying, in English or any language

*A minyan is a when 10 adult Jewish men join together for prayer or other religious services.  10 is the tipping point where they are considered a community.  

Formal praying is done with a siddur (prayerbook) in Hebrew, at the following designated times.

Shacharit – the morning service.  Done from sunrise till midday.  Midday is determined by taking the daylight hours and finding the midpoint, so it changes somewhat each day.  Takes about 45 minutes.
Mincha – the afternoon service.  Done from midday till sunset.  Takes about 10 minutes.
Maariv – the evening service.  Done from nightfall till just before sunrise.  Takes about 10 minutes.

There is a certain advantage to praying with a minyan, and certain advantages to praying in a synagogue, even where there is no minyan.  Spiritually speaking, the very walls absorb the holiness of the services that have taken place there.  There’s also an advantage to praying in Hebrew – the words are kabbalistically arranged, for the biggest punch (so to speak).  And even if you don’t make it to synagogue very often, there is a decided advantage to using the words in the siddur, that were selected by prophets, scholars, and mystics, to unlock to gates of prayer in ways that we don’t even understand.

But my focus here is going to be on spontaneous, organic prayer.  For me, the formal praying feels very important, as it’s my anchor in a crazy day to stop and access ancient wisdom; to tie myself to the spirituality of yesteryear and add my link to the chain in a millenia-long conversation with God.  And the organic prayer – that’s my handwritten love note to God that I made up all by myself.

Here’s what it might sound like:

(Note: when talking to God organically, I use the Hebrew word “Hashem” to refer to God.  It means, literally, “the name” and is a way of referencing God respectfully without actually invoking a holy name – which is used in formal prayer only.)

(As carpool drives off) Hashem, please let my kids have a good day at school today.  Please let them learn well and have positive interactions and associations with their friends.

(As I drive to a class) Hashem, please let this go well.  Please give me eloquence and wisdom, and allow me to always remember that all successes in life are thanks to you.  Thank you for allowing me to be involved in learning and teaching.

(As I look for a parking spot) Hashem, please let me find a spot!  Thank you!!

(As I hang up the phone with a friend who is struggling with something) Hashem, please help my friend to find her way.  It’s so hard for her.  Please bless her with clarity and strength.

(As I notice that the cop behind me is actually following someone else) Thank you Hashem!  I really, really appreciate that!

I find that it is these conversations, sprinkled throughout my day, that deeply forge my relationship to God – in a way that when something truly significant happens… we’re in touch.  And sometimes, days go by where I forget to talk to God that way.

And then, I remember again, and it’s a reunion.

Is prayer foreign to you?  Do you relate more to formal or spontaneous prayer?

Uncategorized November 22, 2011

Shiva Calls

One of the biggest chasms I’ve encountered between the Orthodox and non-Orthodox communities is the way the shiva customs are observed.  So I’m here to demystify Orthodox shiva, cuz it’s a whole ‘nother animal.  Some of the below might be familiar to you, and some may not; I’m approaching the subject as though I am addressing someone who is not familiar with any the customs.

1. Shiva is observed beginning after the funeral for 7 full days, excluding Shabbat and holidays (since on those days there is a mitzvah to be happy).

2. Mirrors are covered to symbolize that it’s not a time to focus on the physical.

3. Shiva is to honor the memory of the deceased, and to comfort the loved ones of the deceased.  Tradition teaches that the soul is present during the shiva and is aware of all that transpires.

4. The mourners (blood relatives+spouse) sit on low chairs and do not wear shoes made of leather.  They continue to wear their clothes that have been torn in grief (there’s a custom to tear clothes in grief upon learning of the death of a loved one – again, blood relatives+spouse). 

5. The food at the shiva is meant for the mourners, and those that are staying with them.  It is not intended for visitors; this is to prevent the atmosphere from becoming too festive.

6. The visitors are to enter without knocking and without greeting or being greeted.  They are not to initiate conversation until addressed by the mourners, so they can gauge the mood of the mourners and read their cues as to where their wishes are and what they would like to discuss.  The mourners are not to “host” – greet, introduce, make sure everyone has somewhere to sit.

7. The best length of time to stay is 10-15 minutes, unless you sense the mourners want you to stay longer, or unless you are very close.

8. Finally, the ideal conversation is about the deceased – specifically, inspiring stories about his/her life; memories; what we can learn from their legacy.

What are your shiva experiences?

Uncategorized November 21, 2011

What I’m Thinking When The Orthodox Make Headlines

A very thoughtful reader, alias “Should Be Working,” a self-described Reform Jew, posted the following incredibly respectful thought on my blog last week about The Danger of Being Orthodox.

“I want to take a risk here and ask a question in ‘outsider mode’, since I’m an outsider to Orthodox Judaism. This blog is one of the very few experiences I’ve had of feeling (not just seeing) the ‘inside’ of your Orthodox lives (in all the variations I’ve learned about here, thanks for all that insight into the differences), and also seen that warmth and caring and humility.

So my risky question is what it feels like from the ‘inside’ of Orthodoxy when you read about Orthodox Jews doing things that do not reflect love and joy with respect to those not in their communities–for instance in Jerusalem Orthodox Jews have spit on Christian clergy. Joy and love for one’s ‘own’ is a beautiful and admirable thing, but when you read ‘bad news’ or at least unflattering news, does it make you wish that other Orthodox people would behave more civilly and respectfully to ‘outsiders’? Does it make you feel like those people are wrong and the exception, or that they are just misunderstood, or that they have failed in responsibilities to what someone (Larry?) recently here described (don’t have the Hebrew term in my head) as representing the Jewish people in a positive light?

Such news reports, to be honest, do alienate me from Orthodox Judaism, but I want to hear from this thoughtful, positive-minded group what you think about such acts. I am, again, asking this with respect, and especially for Ruchi in creating this blog–because I can’t think of any other venue where I could actually ask Orthodox Jews how they view such incidents. (I suppose I could show up at Chabad or something and ask there, but the openness I’ve seen on this blog makes asking the question here easier.) “

A few of my other readers gave some good responses, and I’d like to add a fuller treatment of the question: it’s an important one.  Before I answer the actual question, though, I need to put forth a few general concepts.

DON’T JUDGE JUDAISM BY THE JEWS: OH, YES YOU SHOULD

The first thing that most Orthodox Jews will tell you  is, “Don’t judge Judaism by the Jews.”  This is a cute line, and a nice way to sidestep our co-denominationalists’ disgusting behavior, but it’s just not satisfactory.  Can you say “don’t judge New York by New Yorkers”?  Don’t judge Islam by Muslims?  Don’t judge yoga by yogis?  If, indeed, the system is an appropriate one, and a functional one, shouldn’t you, indeed, be able to judge Judaism by Jews??  That’s just not good enough, while true.  To some degree, you can’t judge ALL of New York by SOME New Yorkers… but to completely sidestep that degree of accountability simply doesn’t sit right with me.  (I credit Rabbi Avraham Edelstein of Moreshet with clarity here.)

Therefore, we have to be able to judge Orthodoxy by MOST of the Orthodox. 

ISRAEL IS A PLANET ALL ITS OWN

Item number two on the list: have you noticed that the vast majority of ugly news (Orthodox and non-Orthodox alike) comes out of Israel?  Why is this so?  Why is life there so fraught, so tense, so violent, so very, very on the edge of normal, polite behavior??  I just came back, and I lived there for five years, and oh, I love it so, but to be honest… it’s one of the reasons I simply could not live there.  Is it that Jews in Israel have to fight so hard, sweat so much, sacrifice so often, that simple manners become a luxury?  Is it that separation of church and state is a laughable Alice-in-Wonderland dreamworld there?  Is it that people live in such close proximity that “live-and-let-live” is for wimps?  Is it that Jerusalem has always been a place full of tension, a test of peace?  I don’t know, but it’s sad, and bad.  I don’t want to speak lashon hara (gossip) about the Land, my Land, the only Land I capitalize in respect and love, but man… it’s a tough place.

LASHON HARA

On the subject of lashon hara (gossip), it is important to distinguish between news, gossip, and opinion.  News is information that the public needs to know for a constructive purpose.  Gossip is information that the public does NOT need to know for a constructive purpose, but rather it’s to entertain or denigrate.  Opinion that is respectfully worded and deals with ideas is great.  Opinion that is personal and vindictive is lashon hara.  Not everything that is thought ought to be spoken; not everything that is spoken ought to be written; and not everything that is written ought to be published (Rabbi Y. Salanter).  I leave it to you, reader, to sort your reading material into its various categories.

THE TORAH IS PERFECT; PEOPLE ARE NOT

This is my updated version of “don’t judge Judaism by the Jews.”  Instead of having Judaism and Jews live in silos, I view the Torah as the ultimately perfect ideal.  Everything in the Torah is beautiful and perfect.  No, that doesn’t always mean it all jives with the secular values of 2011, but it oughtn’t, because those will change.  Torah is immutable.  And I know some of you, my dear readers, interpret this in different ways, and I’m glad to discuss that one day.  But here’s my point:

To the extent that a person lives according to the Torah’s instructions, will his actions be beautiful, admirable, and noteworthy.

This, of course, transcends denomination.  It’s directly proportional.  This means if a person doesn’t even know he is Jewish, but is not a gossiper, that person is living in accordance with Torah teaching in this area of his life, and this area of his life will be beautiful and special.  If a person gives tzedaka (charity) – his actions in this area are beautiful.  If a person observes Shabbat, accepts suffering with serenity and faith, smiles at a stranger on the street, bends down to retrieve someone else’s trash, prays for clarity instead of getting angry… these are all ways to behave in accordance with the Torah.

Which means that when a person behaves in way that is ugly, illegal, rude, embarrassing, or hurtful, he is NOT acting according to the Torah in that area of his life.  He may be acting according to the Torah in OTHER areas of his life (Shabbat, kosher), so those parts of his life are beautiful, but the icky stuff is in trangression of Torah.

As well, the obvious Orthodoxy in the garb and external observance just complicates the issue, because now the bad behavior is not just in direct contradiction to Torah, but makes it seem as though “Orthodoxy” sanctions the bad behavior.  Double ick!

In short, when Orthodox people behave badly, that bad behavior is CONTRARY to Torah.  He’s acting that way despite his “Orthodoxy.”  If many Orthodox Jews (however you quantify that) act that way, you have a bad trend that must be addressed from the leadership.  On that note I will tell you that every lecture I attend and nearly every article I read in the “very Orthodox” circles are focused on how Orthodox people should and can improve themselves.  Introspection and upgrading our behavior, ESPECIALLY in the areas of interpersonal relationships (yes, with outsiders too) are at the top of the list.  In fact, the most Orthodox rabbi in the world (my designation), Rabbi AL Shteinman, may he live and be well, has said this publicly many, many times: always seek to upgrade your behaviors with other people.

WHAT’S IN MY MIND WHEN BAD NEWS HITS?

Therefore, with all this information, here’s the chronology of my thoughts when bad news about the Ortho-Jews hits.

1. Denial
It’s not true.  It didn’t really happen.  That’s insane.  How could anyone seriously act that way??  OK, maybe it happened, but probably no one read it except for me.  How could anyone find this stuff??  The web is so big; maybe it got buried.

2. Anger
Anonymous (or not) Orthodox person, how could you do this to me???  To God?? Do you know how hard I try to be a good ambassador for Judaism?  Do you know how large is the gap that exists between fellow Jews??  Why are you making it worse, harder?  Don’t you  THINK before you ACT??  Journalist: why?  Why are you writing this?  Is this to denigrate, to sensationalize?  Are you happy you got people to smirk about how the supposedly-holier-than-thou Jews are finally revealed for what they really are: a bunch of no-goodniks?  ARRRR!

3. Bargaining
Let’s say this disgusting behavior really did happen.  It’s a crazy fringe group.  No one really takes them seriously.  You can’t possibly find any Rabbi who would sanction this.  None of this is in the Torah.  Torah is perfect.  There are so many Orthodox folks doing good; don’t they outweigh a few crazies?  Sure, their customs might be unfamiliar, their dress a bit different, their culture slightly divergent… so what?  I just have to work harder, blog faster, try harder to teach my kids that God wants us to behave with love, respect, and joy to all human beings… oy. 

4. Depression
I can’t.  Can’t read this stuff anymore.  Maybe I need to crawl under a rock and not read the news and DEFINITELY not read any blogs and unfollow a whole slew of people on Twitter.  I pretend I have such a thick skin, but I guess I’m kind of sensitive after all… It’s so upsetting, to try so hard, to know so well what Torah living is about, to shout from the rooftops how beautiful it can be… just to be thwarted by a bunch of bizarre crazies who make headlines and journalists who are gloating over the mound of charred hopes.  I go through my day like an automaton… have no zip…

5. Acceptance
“The work is not yours to finish; neither are you free to completely shirk it” (Ethics of the Fathers 2:21).  There will always be those, have always been those, that are a chillul hashem (disgrace to God’s Name with their bad behavior).  There is no way I’m going to change that.  What I can do, must do, is be a kiddush Hashem (elevation of God’s name with good behavior).  I can only do what is humanly possible.  I need to know enough to be productive, and that’s it.  I need to introspect and make sure no trace of bad behavior infects me.  I need to keep doing what I’m doing, reaching, teaching, learning, growing, parenting responsibly.  I need to to take things both more and less personally. 

“A little bit of light dispels a lot of darkness” (Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liadi).

Yes, readers.  These are, not coincidentally, the five stages of grief.  This is how I feel when I hear that an Orthodox person has publicly and badly failed in being a good Jew.  I grieve the Torah that was transgressed, I mourn the kiddush Hashem that was lost to us, and I wistfully miss the feeling that us Jews can indeed, be one family.  It’s hard to grieve so much.  But I care that much.  I love us that hard.  And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Thanks for reading.