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why Orthodox Jews do what they do

Uncategorized April 15, 2013

The Bnei Mitzvah Blues

Everyone’s talking about bnei mitzvah. Rabbinical students want to ban them. Kids are taking to youtube for cooler and more expensive invitations than you’ve ever dreamed of. Non-Jews want to inspire their kids by giving them some ceremony which seem to benefit no one but the party planners, photographers, and DJs.

And this might sound kind of funny coming from someone who helps people plan their kids’ rites of passage, but I think most Jews on this planet, or I should say, in North America, make far too big of a deal about this without even knowing what the ceremony is or isn’t supposed to celebrate.

On this thread, where a friend of mine gave some tips as far as what to give as gifts, I responded such:

You wrote: “a celebration of achievement. It is a spiritual rite of
passage that connects one generation to another.” I would demur. I
think it’s a celebration of arrival through an entryway. An entryway to
life as a responsible Jew. The “achievement” hasn’t actually happened
yet, and a child becomes bar or bat mitzvah when they have their
(Hebrew) birthday on the thirteenth (for girls twelfth) birthday of
their lives – this is an upgrade in spiritual status, that, according to
the Jewish sources, takes place whether they are reading from the
Torah, vacationing in St. Martin, asleep, or converted out. It happens
to you. How you celebrate it is entirely optional and has varied
greatly by community and history.

I recognize that this is radically different from how most Jews think about bnei mitzvah, but it’s what the sources say.

What do most American kids think? That you have to go to Hebrew school for (fill in the blank) years, to learn Hebrew, so that you can read from the Torah, so that you can have a party like your friends and get lots of gifts.

Wrong, wrong, and wrong. My dear American Jewish children:

1. You don’t have to go to Hebrew school.
2. You don’t have to learn Hebrew.
3. You most certainly do not have to read from the Torah.
4. You do not deserve a party for that dubious accomplishment or any other for that matter.

So what do you have to do?

1. Learn about Judaism from whichever source will inspire you most to live it, love it, breathe it, and understand it.
2. Learn how to talk to God in your own words.
3. Acknowledge in some way that the day you turn 12 or 13 is special because you are now autonomously responsible to live Jewishly.
4. Thank your parents for giving you all of the above.

Shall I tell you why I feel so strongly about this?

1. Going to Hebrew school to learn Hebrew reading, a skill that many kids will never use again soon enough to matter, often makes them hate Judaism.
2. Kids are so entitled and spoiled as it is, that we don’t need to feed the frenzy by offering them a mini-wedding (which actually deifies them far more than a wedding) for “performing” in Hebrew.
3. And of course, the problem everyone, including me, is struggling with: how to keep kids engaged once the carrot is consumed off the stick (you can’t use your gifts? won’t get your album? unless you keep studying Judaism?).

What’s the solution? Haha, if I could put that in a paragraph I’d be a wealthy woman. Of course there are no easy solutions. The way most North American congregations have evolved, they are often bnei mitzvah factories. Where else are dues coming from? But I am not here to solve the problem of congregational survival. I am here to solve the problem of bored, spoiled, disconnected kids. And parents, this is in YOUR HANDS.

Take back control. Stop feeding the cycle. Say “no” to crazy parties, to multiple thousands of dollars going, yes, down the drain, to ridiculous senses of entitlement among our kids who still think they deserve who-knows-what. If you really want your child to be “affiliated” as a Jew, find good role models in Judaism for your kids, and make sure they hang out with your kids as often and as enjoyably as possible. Don’t be afraid to talk about God as though He actually exists. Bring Judaism into your home as a living, breathing religion.

Mostly, find ways to engage in Jewish study yourself and demonstrate to your kids that Jewish learning never stops. “If you truly wish your children to study Torah, study it yourself
in their presence. They will follow your example. Otherwise, they
will not themselves study Torah but will simply instruct their
children to do so” (Rabbi Menahem Mendel of Kotzk).

And then we’ll be up to the grandkids’ bnei mitzvah. I wonder what those will look like.

Uncategorized April 11, 2013

The Growing Jew

Sorry, readers, for the LOONG lag in blog posts. Between Passover, my kids being off, getting back to all my responsibilities after the long break, and getting to my spring cleaning that I didn’t choose to do before Passover – I haven’t actually even sat in front of a real computer in days. Thanks to those of you that let me know you’ve missed my posts – that means the world to me!

Tuesday evening I taught a class for a local group of young Orthodox women in their early 20’s called “Finding and Keeping Your Soulmate.” I started the class by asking them, “Why are we here on this earth? What’s the point?” They knew the answer I was looking for: to grow.

What does it mean to grow? To be a grower? To get into the mind of a “grower,” here is an unsolicited email I received from a friend of mine who became religious in her adult life. She had had a great day, and just wanted to share it with me and few friends. It tells clearly what the life of a “grower” looks like. [Note: “Hashem” is a Hebrew term for God.]

Last night when I went to sleep I kept thanking Hashem
for an amazing day. I didn’t go anywhere special or meet anyone famous
and actually it was a very difficult, stressful day, but the greatness
and the pleasure was in the difficulty and “ordinary” day.

I started off davening [praying] after my morning coffee as I typically do, but yesterday morning I was keenly aware of my desire to rush through the davening
to get to work. I discovered this past year that I have a very strong
work ethic, which is good. A top priority in my life is to stay on top of my work, give my clients top service, try to get as much done in a
day as possible and bill as many hours as I can (to make money). I
realized yesterday when I was davening (but while my thoughts were on work) that if I put 1/100th of the drive, passion and energy into serving Hashem and grabbing mitzvahs,
as I do trying to satisfy clients and bill, I’d be in a lot better
shape. SO, I was/am so grateful to see this so clearly. Now I have
to figure out how to channel that drive into my service to Hashem.

Next thing that happened was I was on my way to a dentist
appointment when someone from my office called to tell me she made a
major mistake and sent out 28 letters over my signature that should not
have gone out. At first I was like “OH NO” and then I just dealt with
it. When I got to the office a few people were talking to her, so she
and I didn’t talk. She left work shortly after that and I didn’t get to
even say hello to her. I called her because I wanted her to know that I
wasn’t avoiding her or upset with her. I’ve made lots of mistakes in my
lifetime and wanted her to know that it was just a mistake. I left her a
message and she was so appreciative. If the roles were reversed and she
hadn’t said hi to me or spoken to me about the mistake, I think I would
have felt so much worse.

So, back to the dentist. I had an unexpected root canal and the
tooth was “hot.” I needed a lot of Novocaine and some of it dripped down
my throat causing a sensation (or perhaps reality) that I couldn’t
swallow. It was a very scary feeling. When I spoke, my voice sounded to
me like I swallowed helium, although the dentist said I sounded like my
normal self. I thought I was going to have a panic attack. I started
talking to G-d. I asked for His help and told Him I knew He was with me.
I pictured that image that is often used of Him holding me in His arms
and comforting me like a baby. Thank G-d, there was no panic attack and I
got through it ok. It’s painful today physically, but I felt such a connection to Hashem.

I am SO busy at work (thank G-d) and will be going away for 3
weeks, so the stress (that I put on myself) is pretty high right now. I davened that Hashem
should give me the clarity to work through a complicated matter at
work and do so efficiently. To my great surprise, I had an awesome day
at work! Hashem gave me clarity in areas that I didn’t have before and I was able to get a lot done.

THEN, I went to Heinen’s and was waiting on the express lane and realized I wanted to pick up a plant for someone’s
birthday today. I stepped out of line only for a minute and when I got
back 2 people pushed my cart aside and went in front of me. I was upset
for about a half a second and then realized, it’s an express lane,
moving quickly, I left my cart, they had no idea how long I’d be
gone and they had every right to go ahead of me. But I decided to go to
another lane anyway, which was now shorter.

There was an older,
heavy man with a cane in a wheelchair cart in front of me. I wasn’t
sure how he was going to get his items onto the conveyor. I’m never sure
if I should offer help in these situations or not; does the person
appreciate the help or do they want their independence? I leaned over
and asked him if I could help him and he was so appreciative. The person
in front of him took quite some time to check out so he and I had such a
nice conversation. We laughed about a number of things and talked about
his favorite candy bar, as I got one off the shelf for him. I was
thanking Hashem privately for giving me the opportunity to have this interaction with him. It felt so special. I really felt I was living Hahem’s will.

And lastly, my husband had two difficult situations yesterday
which he shared with me in depth. I felt such pleasure and pride in him
and the way he handled the challenges. I was feeling so blessed to have
him as my husband (which thank G-d, I feel often).

SO, I went to sleep, reliving my day and thanking Hashem for all of it. It felt like a day that Hashem was very happy with. I know I was!

Uncategorized March 28, 2013

My Dad

Hey Readers,

This is a cheap post, because I am posting the question and not the answer. It’s a super-busy time now, although the seders are over – I’m still celebrating Passover till next Tuesday night, with my kids off from school, lots of family coming and going, and fun times. I’d love to hear your thoughts. That said, here’s a Facebook message from a reader.

Dear Ruchi,

I know we’ve never met, but I follow your blog and I get your emails between Passover and Shavuot.
The
reason I’m writing you is because of my experience with my newly (about the last 7-10 years) Orthodox father. He is an ordained Conservative rabbi but he hasn’t had a congregation in over 40 years. I
grew up in a town where the closest synagogue was an
hour away. As the town grew, more Jews moved in, until there were finally
enough to have our own synagogue. My dad was not the rabbi – he had
returned to school and became a psychologist.

We were brought up
mostly Reform-Conservative. We didn’t keep kosher or even observe
Shabbat. I married a Reform Jew and we aren’t observant at all.

My
problem is that we drive from my home town to where my dad lives each year for Passover.
My dad has tried unsuccessfully to get us to attend his Orthodox shul.
We would prefer not to. This year he practically begged my husband to
attend and my husband tried as best he could to politely decline. My
father was more than offended. I don’t understand why it’s so important
to him that we go to his shul. He told me that he is uncomfortable at
and I quote “our church” (we belong to a Reform temple) where our daughter is becoming a bat mitzvah in October.

Thoughts? Advice?

Uncategorized March 6, 2013

Does it Come From Her Religion?

Last week, my teenage son found himself in Rockland County, NY, with a flight from La Guardia in a few hours and no ride.

To be fair, he had a perfectly legitimate ride that decided to leave early and unexpectedly, leaving him stranded. He was staying at my brother-in-law and sister-in-law’s home, and he called me to brainstorm about how to get to the airport. Well, I’m a fan of independence in kids, so I told my son that he could take a bus to Port Authority and from there take another bus to the airport. We realized that time was tight and I agreed that he should instead take a cab from Port Authority to the airport. My son wasn’t thrilled about these plans, but he agreed nevertheless.

Ten minutes later I get a phone call from my brother-in-law.

“Ruchi, Sara is going to drive him to the airport.”

“What??” I said. “That’s crazy. It’s an hour without traffic! And all the kids are home! And there’s no need for it! Really, he’s fine!” (Why does anyone bother with how long a NY drive will take without traffic? How is that information even relevant?)

“Oh, no, she says it’s perfect, because since the kids are off and they have nothing to do, this will be a great activity! A project! A trip!”

This, then is my sister-in-law. When she does you a favor (a huge one), she makes you feel as if you are doing her a favor by acquiescing. She’s truly something.

Now I ask you a question. My sister-in-law is a really, really good person. But I believe that her religiosity, her belief in chessed (kindness), that God put an opportunity in her path for good, that she will never lose out by doing a good deed, makes it much easier and more satisfying to act altruistically.

What do you think?

Uncategorized February 7, 2013

5 Questions Orthodox People Are Happy to Answer

Most Orthodox people that I know just love to talk about being Orthodox and are flattered by interest and curiosity in their lifestyle. [GENERALIZATION ALERT.] Here are some questions we’re happy to answer.

1. How did you and your spouse meet?
While we know that the way we meet and date is very different from that of most people, we’re proud of our style and, like most couples, enjoy recounting the process.

2. (For women) So is it hard to shop for clothes? Where do you find your skirts?
Again, like most women, we like to shop and the thrill of the chase is a good part of it. So the limitations of our wardrobe make it kind of like a treasure hunt. When we find a good skirt, we Facebook it so all our fellow skirt-wearers can enjoy. It’s fun to share how we make “regular” department store clothing or Target finds “kosher” for our use. Go ahead, ask!

3. How do you guys manage with so many kids?
While sometimes this question will be met with a groan and some eye-rolling, because ALL of us struggle with raising kids (whether it’s one or ten), overall we are proud of having large families and have developed tricks and tips along the way. So it’s a good feeling to be validated for this and respected for meeting the challenge.

4. Do you mind that you can’t eat all these foods and that you’re limited with what restaurants you can go to? What do you do when you travel?
Kosher is another area that is all-inclusive in our lives. Like most people, when something is a big part of our lives, it’s fun to talk about. As we do, we revisit these concepts from a fresh perspective (yours) and are reminded that our lives are pretty cool.

5. (For guys) Do you wear your kippah all the time? What about sports? Does it ever fall off? Do you wear it when you sleep?
It’s pretty easy to fall into the trap of habit with observance. Being reminded about something that is a constant is good for us.

If you are Orthodox, what are some other questions you’re happy to answer? What are some questions you don’t want to be asked?
If you are not, what are some questions you’ve wondered if you could ask?

Uncategorized January 29, 2013

Be Careful What You Name Your Kid

Most Jewish parents choose Jewish names for their kids. But they don’t always realize that one fine day, their kids may choose to really use those names.

According to Jewish thought, your Jewish name describes your essence. When you want to name your child after a relative, you should really use the Hebrew name as closely as possible to the original. Identical is best. Starting with the same letter, in either Hebrew or English, is a distant second. It’s powerful for the memory and honor, but spiritually, the connectedness is in the actual name or the same meaning.

Rabbi Akiva Tatz, originally of South Africa, who did not grow up using his Hebrew name, and who did not grow up Orthodox, for that matter, describes how his parents chose the name “Kevin” for him. First, he says, they chose Akiva – after the person for whom he was named. Then they went about searching for a secular name that he could use to navigate in the “real world” that was as similar as possible to the actual (Hebrew) name. In other words, “Akiva” was the “real him” and Kevin was a distant nickname that replicated the real deal.

Many Jewish parents go about this the opposite way – first they choose an English name that they like or that’s after a loved one, then choose a Hebrew name based on other factors. But many young parents tell me they wished they had known, when they were naming their kids, how very powerful that Hebrew name is to the essence and the soul of their children. Many Jewish parents don’t remember their kids’ Hebrew names, if they’ve fallen into disuse.

Sometimes kids will start using their Hebrew names, whether at Sunday school, in Israel, or if they become more religiously-minded. So you might want to choose carefully.

So here I am, to tell you! And now you know.

How was your name chosen? How did you choose your kids’ names?

Related posts: Your Kid’s Hebrew Name is Yechezkel Simcha Chaim?
High on Hebrew

Uncategorized January 17, 2013

What Jews Find Funny

Last spring, this cartoon was floating around Facebook:

Lots of people thought it was hilariously funny. I was aghast. I thought it was invented by Orthodox Jews to make Reform or Conservative Jews look like lightweights. But then I saw lots of non-Orthodox Jews posting it too, and finding it hilariously funny. Then I was insulted, like maybe it’s supposed to show that Orthodox Jews overcharge for the same services in the name of religion (think kosher industry?). Either way, it made me cringe.

Then, come Chanukah, this one was making its rounds:

What do you think? Funny or no? I have two opposite reactions:

1. Hey, that’s kind of cute! (Wouldn’t mind a miracle like that, myself.)
2. That is SO corny and out of touch with what Chanukah is. The spelling of “Hanukkah” kinda underscored #2 for me.

Then, the kicker, this one appeared:

I found this so annoying. So corny. So hackneyed. SO eye-rollable. I know humor is not always explicable, but what is funny about this? To be clear, I do NOT find it offensive. It’s pretty hard to offend me (OK, bad language and insulting comments are offensive) about Judaism. It’s just that I don’t see the humor. It’s the kind of thing I’d laugh at only to make someone feel good.

And btw…I NEVER find bris jokes funny.

In fact, I’m discovering that I’m pretty hard to please when it comes to “Jewish humor.” I find most of it in poor taste, sacrilegious, corny, or just plain old unfunny.

What kind of Jewish humor do I appreciate? Clever plays on words with Hebrew and English, especially textual. Intra-communal jokes about Jews from various ethnicities (German Jews – “yekkies,” Chasidim, Litvaks – Lithuanian Jews) that even the playing field. Making fun of ourselves is always awesome.

I even searched the web to find a Jewish cartoon I found funny but I couldn’t. The closest I came was this:


The Shabbos Belt

It’s pretty cute.

So… am I a culturally Jewish humor scrooge? What do you find funny? And if it’s off-color, fuggeddabouddit.

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Hi! I'm Ruchi Koval. I'm the co-founder and director of Congregation JFX, an innovative community in Cleveland, Ohio. I'm a certified relationship coach, motivational speaker, musician, and author. My two books, "Conversations with G-d" and "Soul Construction" are available on the "Books" tab. One of my passions is Jewish wisdom. This blog is a way for us to connect with education, respect, and understanding. If you're looking for a speaker, or are interested in 1:1 relationship coaching, connect with me via the icons in the upper right hand corner, or email me at outoftheorthobox@gmail.com